I've just finished my first stint of temporary work away from home, coming back on the train at the weekend. It wasn't the best situation, a lot of travelling and not much of a weekend, and spending your evenings in a stray town...but it worked out ok.
I think the most important thing I got was the feedback from the client. There are skills I think I have that make me perfect for this type of work, and the client pretty much named them all when I was finishing up as a reason for why they liked me working there. I enjoyed the work, and the people were good too. They were social and we always went out together at lunchtime. It was good just being in a normal company around normal people again. It gave my confidence a boost too to hear the client say how happy they were with my work.
I had my next piece of work lined up before I finished my last so I knew I'd only have two weeks off in between. I was hoping it would alleviate the anxiety I had between jobs the last time, but it simply replaced one anxiety with another...I had a lot of things to sort out so it has made my time off feel a bit rushed. I also failed to stop descending into quite a negative life pattern. With nothing really to fill the days, and no routine, I just swam around in alcohol. I was a bit more structured last time, but no gym, no book reading...just trying to fill the day with anything until it became a socially-acceptable time to start drinking, and that time got earlier and earlier each day.
I start my next job soon, and while the endless travel is not something I am looking forward to (or finding a place to stay), I am looking forward to getting back to work. Back to a solid daily routine, as without one I just fall apart.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Once more unto the breach
Well I was right to be worried about how I would spend my time between jobs. In the immediate aftermath I was drinking a lot, for days on end. That calmed down a little but it was fairly tough overall. In order to keep some form of control, I would set my alarm for midday and try and get out of bed in fairly good time. I'd get something to eat, check emails etc, then in the afternoon I'd study my way through a technical book to learn some new skills.
It made the weekends fairly pointless, though, as technically every day was a weekend :) I was out of work for about four weeks in total. The start was the hardest part but as the days wore on it got better. Unfortunately I wasn't attending the gym though, and my normal routine was firmly out of the window.
As the days turned into weeks I have to admit one of the reasons I didn't start looking for work was that I was anxious I wouldn't get any. That I'd be one of those struggling people, pounding the phones for hours on end, getting nothing but knock-backs and rejections. In a way I was simply guarding my self-esteem.
It was after three weeks that I thought I should really start looking, as it might have taken two weeks to find something. On the Monday I submitted my CV to some job sites, and I had three interviews lined up on Wednesday, so I guess it turned out ok in the end. I accepted one of them on Wednesday too and started the following Monday. It's a few hundred miles away from where I live, so I am renting a room there Monday through Friday and returning "home" at the weekend. I'm managed to join a small gym in the area too.
Through the week it's a fairly miserable existence. I get up around 7am, go to work, get back to my digs at 6.30. Maybe go to the gym, back to digs for something from the microwave, up to my room like a naughty teenager where I have no TV, and the internet isn't always on. I go to bed around midnight, get up and start all over again. A large chunk of the weekends are taken up with travel too, so you don't quite get the full impact of those either.
In a way, I was thinking that the drudgery of this way of life is something that keeps my mind occupied. Something that "excuses" me from not leading a normal life like other people. There is no room in this way of life for friends, relationships, or anything tangible, solid, or lasting. Instead my mind simply keeps itself occupied with thoughts of the following day.
As for the job itself, it's actually quite good. Good firm too, and normal. It's nothing like my last job at all. I found that job to be very isolating, where I have always maintained that work is a good thing as it gives you chances to be social, to be among people. This company is staffed with people my age and younger, there is a lot of chat and banter, people go out for lunch together. There is a large kitchen where you can just mill around and chat to people. People in the company are really friendly, too, and I've had a few people introduce themselves in the kitchen, noting that I'm new etc. It's given me back that "something" that I lost at my other job. Even the way to work itself, and back again...I am using public transport (train) and it gives ample opportunity for being among seas of people too. Lots of people watching as you get to see the same people getting on, and off, at the same stops day in and day out.
The dress code is "casual" and most people adhere to it. Thing is, I don't "do" casual. I have smart, and I have "me" which I wouldn't want to wear to work. Having to iron shirts, trousers etc is a bit of a pain, so in order to "fit in" and also to reduce my laundry effort, I have bought some "casual" shirts to wear with my jeans. Shopping for the shirts was an unusual process, as it isn't something I normally do. I am completely indifferent to this type of fashion...how do you choose things you neither love nor hate? Is this how it is for everyone? A bunch of people traipsing around the shops buying clothes not because they like them, but because they are not offensive, and they need to dress like everyone less? Or does someone see the exact same shirts I lovelessly took from the rails, and think "Wow, that looks great, I'll be far more attractive to the opposite sex in that shirt"? It's not cheap either, what a total waste of money.
This job is set to run for about 3 moths so I'll see how it goes, and how I feel after. The whole nature of working somewhere Mon-Fri is what has been worrying me, and now that I'm doing it it's certainly no barrel of laughs, but I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel yet.
It made the weekends fairly pointless, though, as technically every day was a weekend :) I was out of work for about four weeks in total. The start was the hardest part but as the days wore on it got better. Unfortunately I wasn't attending the gym though, and my normal routine was firmly out of the window.
As the days turned into weeks I have to admit one of the reasons I didn't start looking for work was that I was anxious I wouldn't get any. That I'd be one of those struggling people, pounding the phones for hours on end, getting nothing but knock-backs and rejections. In a way I was simply guarding my self-esteem.
It was after three weeks that I thought I should really start looking, as it might have taken two weeks to find something. On the Monday I submitted my CV to some job sites, and I had three interviews lined up on Wednesday, so I guess it turned out ok in the end. I accepted one of them on Wednesday too and started the following Monday. It's a few hundred miles away from where I live, so I am renting a room there Monday through Friday and returning "home" at the weekend. I'm managed to join a small gym in the area too.
Through the week it's a fairly miserable existence. I get up around 7am, go to work, get back to my digs at 6.30. Maybe go to the gym, back to digs for something from the microwave, up to my room like a naughty teenager where I have no TV, and the internet isn't always on. I go to bed around midnight, get up and start all over again. A large chunk of the weekends are taken up with travel too, so you don't quite get the full impact of those either.
In a way, I was thinking that the drudgery of this way of life is something that keeps my mind occupied. Something that "excuses" me from not leading a normal life like other people. There is no room in this way of life for friends, relationships, or anything tangible, solid, or lasting. Instead my mind simply keeps itself occupied with thoughts of the following day.
As for the job itself, it's actually quite good. Good firm too, and normal. It's nothing like my last job at all. I found that job to be very isolating, where I have always maintained that work is a good thing as it gives you chances to be social, to be among people. This company is staffed with people my age and younger, there is a lot of chat and banter, people go out for lunch together. There is a large kitchen where you can just mill around and chat to people. People in the company are really friendly, too, and I've had a few people introduce themselves in the kitchen, noting that I'm new etc. It's given me back that "something" that I lost at my other job. Even the way to work itself, and back again...I am using public transport (train) and it gives ample opportunity for being among seas of people too. Lots of people watching as you get to see the same people getting on, and off, at the same stops day in and day out.
The dress code is "casual" and most people adhere to it. Thing is, I don't "do" casual. I have smart, and I have "me" which I wouldn't want to wear to work. Having to iron shirts, trousers etc is a bit of a pain, so in order to "fit in" and also to reduce my laundry effort, I have bought some "casual" shirts to wear with my jeans. Shopping for the shirts was an unusual process, as it isn't something I normally do. I am completely indifferent to this type of fashion...how do you choose things you neither love nor hate? Is this how it is for everyone? A bunch of people traipsing around the shops buying clothes not because they like them, but because they are not offensive, and they need to dress like everyone less? Or does someone see the exact same shirts I lovelessly took from the rails, and think "Wow, that looks great, I'll be far more attractive to the opposite sex in that shirt"? It's not cheap either, what a total waste of money.
This job is set to run for about 3 moths so I'll see how it goes, and how I feel after. The whole nature of working somewhere Mon-Fri is what has been worrying me, and now that I'm doing it it's certainly no barrel of laughs, but I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel yet.
Friday, 4 May 2012
Still alive
Long time no update. I guess everything is different now. I'm in a different town, different job, different lifestyle.
I suppose I'll start with my new digs. This town is much much quieter than where I was before. Smaller too. My flat is much better though, it's like night and day. I can hardly believe that I spent about 4 years at my old place. It's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you've experienced it, but having a better flat has immediately improved my quality of life in so many ways. I used to hate going back to my old flat, it was more like a prison, it just depressed me. Not that this place is a palace, but it is much bigger, cleaner, better decorated and everything works. It's a two bedroom place with lots of storage so I'm no longer surrounded by clutter, which makes everything more pleasant. It has a more modern boiler and heating with working timers, so I get instant hot water when I need it. This means I can get out of bed in the morning and right into a hot shower, so I'm showering every morning. I'm also having something to eat every morning too. These little things all make a difference. The main bedroom has a TV in it which I find helps me unwind before I go to sleep. I used to stay up til 2 or 3am before going to bed to be bored, lying awake. Now I can go to bed just whenever knowing that I can watch TV for a while before trying to go to sleep.
Being a smaller, quieter town everything is closer, including my new gym. Two hours at the gym now takes up 2 hours and 10 minutes of my time, not the 3 hours it used to, so I'm finding I have more spare time in general and my evenings are less hurried. I have my cafes and my takeaway places sorted. I can now spend the weekend not saying a word; every place I go to asks "usual?" as I enter. The downsides are that there is much less going on. The place is very quiet at the weekend. There is a place that has regular bands but they're always cover bands, though it's better than nothing. There is a comedy club too, and I'm going to the cinema more. I'm mainly doing the cinema and comedy club more simply because everything is quiet and nothing is busy :)
The thing I was most worried about was the aspects of running a company, but now that I'm in my stride it's actually fairly easy, nothing like the nightmare I thought it would be. The company I am working with right now isn't very good, the work isn't very good, but it's not forever. The bad news is that my stint there is being cut short. It was supposed to be for a year initially, but it's now down to about 7 or 8 months, basically I have a few weeks left.
I'm not too thrilled about that, as I moved on the promise that I'd have a least a year to settle in and save up a chunk of money. I doubt I'll get another job close by, so I might have to start commuting which will make my quality of life even lower than before. I'll be up earlier, back later, plus driving lots. If I get a job very far I might have to rent a room through the week and come back at the weekend, but what about the gym? I'm just going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it...which will be very soon indeed.
The move here and getting all set up was harder than I thought it would be. Getting settled and getting into a routine was harder. All the "things" I had to do like cancelling things, moving addresses etc was all harder. For weeks on end it seemed like I was just constantly doing things, phoning people, sending off forms. I was also spending my weekends driving back and forward, packing things and moving things so I had no down time...constant high anxiety.
I'm worried that the up-coming break in job is going to push me into a bad place again. I've never been unemployed or without a job to do in my entire life, but I'll be just that in a few weeks time until I can get something else sorted out. I'm not worried about money, that I have, I just fear how I'll spend my days and that I'll go back to drinking too much and being too anxious all the time. We'll see.
I suppose I'll start with my new digs. This town is much much quieter than where I was before. Smaller too. My flat is much better though, it's like night and day. I can hardly believe that I spent about 4 years at my old place. It's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you've experienced it, but having a better flat has immediately improved my quality of life in so many ways. I used to hate going back to my old flat, it was more like a prison, it just depressed me. Not that this place is a palace, but it is much bigger, cleaner, better decorated and everything works. It's a two bedroom place with lots of storage so I'm no longer surrounded by clutter, which makes everything more pleasant. It has a more modern boiler and heating with working timers, so I get instant hot water when I need it. This means I can get out of bed in the morning and right into a hot shower, so I'm showering every morning. I'm also having something to eat every morning too. These little things all make a difference. The main bedroom has a TV in it which I find helps me unwind before I go to sleep. I used to stay up til 2 or 3am before going to bed to be bored, lying awake. Now I can go to bed just whenever knowing that I can watch TV for a while before trying to go to sleep.
Being a smaller, quieter town everything is closer, including my new gym. Two hours at the gym now takes up 2 hours and 10 minutes of my time, not the 3 hours it used to, so I'm finding I have more spare time in general and my evenings are less hurried. I have my cafes and my takeaway places sorted. I can now spend the weekend not saying a word; every place I go to asks "usual?" as I enter. The downsides are that there is much less going on. The place is very quiet at the weekend. There is a place that has regular bands but they're always cover bands, though it's better than nothing. There is a comedy club too, and I'm going to the cinema more. I'm mainly doing the cinema and comedy club more simply because everything is quiet and nothing is busy :)
The thing I was most worried about was the aspects of running a company, but now that I'm in my stride it's actually fairly easy, nothing like the nightmare I thought it would be. The company I am working with right now isn't very good, the work isn't very good, but it's not forever. The bad news is that my stint there is being cut short. It was supposed to be for a year initially, but it's now down to about 7 or 8 months, basically I have a few weeks left.
I'm not too thrilled about that, as I moved on the promise that I'd have a least a year to settle in and save up a chunk of money. I doubt I'll get another job close by, so I might have to start commuting which will make my quality of life even lower than before. I'll be up earlier, back later, plus driving lots. If I get a job very far I might have to rent a room through the week and come back at the weekend, but what about the gym? I'm just going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it...which will be very soon indeed.
The move here and getting all set up was harder than I thought it would be. Getting settled and getting into a routine was harder. All the "things" I had to do like cancelling things, moving addresses etc was all harder. For weeks on end it seemed like I was just constantly doing things, phoning people, sending off forms. I was also spending my weekends driving back and forward, packing things and moving things so I had no down time...constant high anxiety.
I'm worried that the up-coming break in job is going to push me into a bad place again. I've never been unemployed or without a job to do in my entire life, but I'll be just that in a few weeks time until I can get something else sorted out. I'm not worried about money, that I have, I just fear how I'll spend my days and that I'll go back to drinking too much and being too anxious all the time. We'll see.
Saturday, 10 September 2011
My life v2.0
Well I got the job. I've handed in my notice and I'm in the middle of all the palaver that this entails. I was filling out forms most of today and trying to get ID photocopied (unsuccessfully). I'm concentrating on the job aspect at the moment, but soon I'm going to have to contemplate the moving aspect also. In the middle of all this I have my boiler problems to deal with. Despite me having been busy all day, I now have to make a start on getting my flat in order. I suppose it has all coincided fairly well, as I would have to have done this anyway.
So that's it. I'm leaving everything behind to start completely fresh somewhere new. I'm constantly wavering between relief, anticipation and fear. I'm sure this is going to be a good thing for me overall; I just need to get over the initial trauma of it all and get settled at the other end.
So that's it. I'm leaving everything behind to start completely fresh somewhere new. I'm constantly wavering between relief, anticipation and fear. I'm sure this is going to be a good thing for me overall; I just need to get over the initial trauma of it all and get settled at the other end.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Scary Times
For the recent past I've been seeking to change my employment. The same industry and job, but I've been trying to move into freelancing, though without much success. I won't deny my lack of success is knocking my confidence, however many freelance positions require an immediate start and being fully employed at the moment I need to give a month's notice and I hope it's that that's putting people off. Anyway, a possible position has come up that doesn't start for a month so my notice period won't be a factor, and I have a telephone interview later on this week. Once I've started freelancing and I no longer have notice periods I hope the work will be easier to find.
Yeah I've changed jobs before, but this possible move into freelancing is scary for many reasons. Jobs will be short lived and dotted around so there is going to be a lot of changes...to location and routine. It is the gym that is worrying me most...how can I keep regular gym attendance? It's hard to find just one gym you like, never mind moving around. It is going to involve moving, renting houses, and basically running your own company so dealing with taxes and money yourself. Dealing with accounts and lots of "things". To be honest it is scaring the s**t out of me. I know someone who already does it so I am planning on leaning on him a lot. Right now my anxiety is sky high, I just want this interview to be over with and a decision made. I almost feel like my whole life is in limbo at the moment until I know.
If the answer is "no", I admit I'll be crushed as this is a rare opportunity and I'll feel despondent if I fail. Maybe after the interview I won't even want the job? But if the answer is "yes"? So much is going to change so drastically so quickly. I'll probably look to live close to the job temporarily then move there permanently within a month. I won't feel bad about giving up my flat, I hate it here.
Anyway...I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not very good in interview situations.
You might be wondering what I'm going to get out of this? Well the money is better - this particular job, even though not permanent, will more than double my salary. I don't spend the money I do earn, but I'm hoping extra money will maybe give me more options in life. Give me more reasons to take time off and maybe do something with it, even if it is just chilling out and learning new things for my career.
I'm thinking also that maybe I need this? With all my recent troubles maybe I just need a clean break? To move from this town and leave everything behind? Especially this flat, I see it more as a jail than a home.
Yeah I've changed jobs before, but this possible move into freelancing is scary for many reasons. Jobs will be short lived and dotted around so there is going to be a lot of changes...to location and routine. It is the gym that is worrying me most...how can I keep regular gym attendance? It's hard to find just one gym you like, never mind moving around. It is going to involve moving, renting houses, and basically running your own company so dealing with taxes and money yourself. Dealing with accounts and lots of "things". To be honest it is scaring the s**t out of me. I know someone who already does it so I am planning on leaning on him a lot. Right now my anxiety is sky high, I just want this interview to be over with and a decision made. I almost feel like my whole life is in limbo at the moment until I know.
If the answer is "no", I admit I'll be crushed as this is a rare opportunity and I'll feel despondent if I fail. Maybe after the interview I won't even want the job? But if the answer is "yes"? So much is going to change so drastically so quickly. I'll probably look to live close to the job temporarily then move there permanently within a month. I won't feel bad about giving up my flat, I hate it here.
Anyway...I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not very good in interview situations.
You might be wondering what I'm going to get out of this? Well the money is better - this particular job, even though not permanent, will more than double my salary. I don't spend the money I do earn, but I'm hoping extra money will maybe give me more options in life. Give me more reasons to take time off and maybe do something with it, even if it is just chilling out and learning new things for my career.
I'm thinking also that maybe I need this? With all my recent troubles maybe I just need a clean break? To move from this town and leave everything behind? Especially this flat, I see it more as a jail than a home.
Friday, 15 April 2011
The Joy of Nothing
One thing that the analysis of my life has revealed is that I get pleasure from nothing. I simply exist. My life goes on from day to day. Today at work was a big company meeting that everyone laughed their way through and I sat there stony-faced. After work everyone hurried down to the pub, and I went and stood there stony-faced, on the peripheral. People must enjoy this stuff. They must get pleasure from the basic interaction they have with other people. It certainly can't be the conversation as that is functional and bland. Boring.
I can watch a mediocre show on Television and stay the distance, why can't I stand mediocre social gatherings? I guess it is because it is a constant slap in the face for me. A constant reminder of the normality that I will never know. The joys people get in such simple things that will forever elude me, making my life ultimately meaningless.
I stay for one drink (a "social" one...ha!) then head home. I stop by the alcohol shop on the way back because, truth be known, I don't even enjoy my own company. I hate being with other people and I hate being on my own, so drunken oblivion is my only realistic option.
I can watch a mediocre show on Television and stay the distance, why can't I stand mediocre social gatherings? I guess it is because it is a constant slap in the face for me. A constant reminder of the normality that I will never know. The joys people get in such simple things that will forever elude me, making my life ultimately meaningless.
I stay for one drink (a "social" one...ha!) then head home. I stop by the alcohol shop on the way back because, truth be known, I don't even enjoy my own company. I hate being with other people and I hate being on my own, so drunken oblivion is my only realistic option.
Friday, 22 October 2010
Social Reciprocation
There is an aspect of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) around social reciprocation, and it is said that people with AS are less likely to share or to point out things of interest. I had quite a good example of this happen to me today. I had to walk into town at lunch as I had to buy a birthday card, and on the way to the card shop I witnessed quite an unusual and fairly serious accident. People from all over were rushing to help...people that were on the street anyway, people came out of nearby shops to help. Myself...I had a birthday card to buy and things seemed to be in hand so I just walked on. While inside the card store I heard ambulance sirens, and leaving the shop the press were in attendance also.
About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.
I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.
I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.
About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.
I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.
I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.
Friday, 15 October 2010
Secret house against the world
There is an aspect of my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) that I still haven't come to terms with, or decided on how to handle. At work today there was a presentation at the end of the day at the local pub and when it was done everyone hung around and within moments the whole place was just like any other weekend view...everyone was chatting or waiting at the bar and smiling and mingling. There is a yearning in me to fit in, an aching almost. These opportunities don't come along often and I always tell myself to grasp them when they do. Here it was...and there was I...on the outside, not really knowing what to do with myself. Not really knowing how to inject myself anywhere, not knowing how to act or what to say. Not really wanting to either. As the chatting rose to white noise I did what I always do; I left to come home and be on my own.
I feel this constant jealousy and I'm not sure why. I don't enjoy socialising so why am I jealous? I don't really like talking to people so why do I care? It's like I'm a small child who only wants a certain toy because someone else is playing with it. I don't think it's the socialising I'm jealous of, I think I'm just grieving for normality. I see people be happy, I see people enjoy themselves and I think that's what I actually want. I don't really care what it is that they are doing that makes them happy, I just want to be happy too and this is how others seem to do it. Their lives all seem so full. My life is filled like darkness fills a room, like silence fills a forest.
I also know this girl I asked out is going to end up going out with someone else from work. They'll meet the way normal people meet, while socialising outside of work where hair is down and happiness high. That will just be another constant reminder of my failures.
This inability to handle group social situations is the last thread I'm hanging onto. I still keep trying it and I still keep failing. I don't know if one day I'll just officially give up and stop trying, I mean I might as well. But something inside me doesn't want to. It's almost like trying this is the last thing I have and turning my back on it means having turned my back on everything. There will be nothing left and I will have officially given up on life. Thrown in the towel. Admitted defeat.
Coming home today I resolved to not even attend this year's work Christmas Party... like the end is drawing near already. I know I still have some fight left, so I'm going to try and go to the Christmas Party and just hope it isn't the final nail in the coffin. I also mulled over my decision about not telling anyone about my AS. Sometimes I want to...but then I ask myself what good it will do and the answer is "probably none". I ask myself how I'll ever know unless I try? Ultimately though it always, always comes back to the same thing...information is one way - once you've told someone something you can't ever take that back. If I was to "come out" at work and there were downsides then I'm stuck with those downsides. It's just too important, this secret is something I can't afford to gamble with. Something people can just never know. I'll just continue to carry its crushing weight.
I feel this constant jealousy and I'm not sure why. I don't enjoy socialising so why am I jealous? I don't really like talking to people so why do I care? It's like I'm a small child who only wants a certain toy because someone else is playing with it. I don't think it's the socialising I'm jealous of, I think I'm just grieving for normality. I see people be happy, I see people enjoy themselves and I think that's what I actually want. I don't really care what it is that they are doing that makes them happy, I just want to be happy too and this is how others seem to do it. Their lives all seem so full. My life is filled like darkness fills a room, like silence fills a forest.
I also know this girl I asked out is going to end up going out with someone else from work. They'll meet the way normal people meet, while socialising outside of work where hair is down and happiness high. That will just be another constant reminder of my failures.
This inability to handle group social situations is the last thread I'm hanging onto. I still keep trying it and I still keep failing. I don't know if one day I'll just officially give up and stop trying, I mean I might as well. But something inside me doesn't want to. It's almost like trying this is the last thing I have and turning my back on it means having turned my back on everything. There will be nothing left and I will have officially given up on life. Thrown in the towel. Admitted defeat.
Coming home today I resolved to not even attend this year's work Christmas Party... like the end is drawing near already. I know I still have some fight left, so I'm going to try and go to the Christmas Party and just hope it isn't the final nail in the coffin. I also mulled over my decision about not telling anyone about my AS. Sometimes I want to...but then I ask myself what good it will do and the answer is "probably none". I ask myself how I'll ever know unless I try? Ultimately though it always, always comes back to the same thing...information is one way - once you've told someone something you can't ever take that back. If I was to "come out" at work and there were downsides then I'm stuck with those downsides. It's just too important, this secret is something I can't afford to gamble with. Something people can just never know. I'll just continue to carry its crushing weight.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Pinocchio pt II
She sent me an e-mail today (coward :) ) apologising for her reaction, explaining that I had taken her by surprise. She said it was lovely that I asked but she already had a boyfriend. Schoolboy error! I have to admit I did think about talking with her close work colleague as a preliminary. I considered ensuring through that colleague that she was actually single, but I decided against it as it smacks of schoolchildren asking friends if their friend would go out with them. I'm still glad I didn't and chose to take the action I took as I got valuable life experience from it and I'm a firm believer that you learn from your mistakes and that you get better at things the more you do them. There is bound to be some awkwardness going forward but nothing insurmountable. We were both in a meeting today for example, and we've been e-mailing each other on a professional basis too so things are already back to the way they were before.
So on the surface it's like it never even happened, but underneath there ebbs and swells a hidden secret....tide or undertow, only time will tell.
So on the surface it's like it never even happened, but underneath there ebbs and swells a hidden secret....tide or undertow, only time will tell.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Pinocchio
Sometimes the best place to start is the beginning. There's a girl at my work that I kind of like and I think she might like me, it's hard to tell. I deal with her through my job occasionally but not a whole lot. There is someone else at work that I used to work with in a previous job and he is sometimes my port in the storm and we play pool together a fair bit. Pool's a great activity as it fills the time but you can spend most of it in silence as the activity fills the space, and you just talk a little here and there. In one of these spaces between shots I confessed to him the situation I found myself in. "Oh she definitely likes you" he said. He would though, that's his job. It's what people do. I asked how he knew and he says he can see it in her face when she comes over to deal with me. It was one of those odd moments where I'm reminded that other people see things that I don't. But it also got me wondering if he was telling the truth or if he was just doing his job of dutiful companion, egging me on and boosting my confidence.
I've been sitting on the situation for a while and it's not going away. In fact it is occupying more and more of my thoughts. My concerns are many-fold. For a start I'm kind of happy in my life right now, mainly. Do I need change? Am I ready to be in another relationship? I am also worried that I don't really want to be in a relationship with this person, I just want to know that someone likes me. Also do I really want to get involved with someone I work with? If it goes wrong I don't think I'm robust enough to be around someone I've been in a past relationship with. I mentioned this concern to my colleague who told me it was no way to think. I'm also minded that I never get a chance to meet women apart from at work. My colleague was of the opinion that I should "go for it" but he would say that, it's his job.
I sat on the situation some more and it got to the stage where it simply had to stop. I had to do something to end how I was feeling. I was anxious a lot of the time so finally resolved to take steps. I was finding that confiding in my colleague was making things easier for me so made my plans known to him. I had made my mind up that I was going to try and push things onto "the next step".
But how? I'm never really alone with her, so over a game of pool I asked my colleague what he thought about asking her over an e-mail. He laughed solidly for about 3 minutes. When he had regained his composure he said, with a grin, "You can't do that" then continued to laugh again. The saddest part is that I'd already written the e-mail out, it was sat in my "Drafts" for want of a "Send". It was full of my literary style, my humour, rhythm and flow, my way of phrasing things. It was dynamite. The only women I have ever managed to seduce have always been through the written word. Is that bad? It's who I am after all. I know real men don't do those things; real men hitch their belts, grab their crotch and ask girls out on dates. Was it so bad that I didn't want to do that? It got me thinking...here was a rare chance of me doing something that normal people do. Asking a girl out...in the flesh. But I know I'd be rubbish at it, and the as-yet-unsent email was solid gold. What was more important to me? To pretend to be normal for 5 minutes even though I'm not normal, or to just be me? Half of me was excited and half felt like a traitor.
My plans were delayed slightly when she was off ill, but when she was back at work I knew I had to do this, I had to bring this thing to a conclusion one way or the other. While calm on the outside my insides were raging. My mind was racing, my heart was thumping, the adrenalin was surging. My stomach was in knots and at points felt like it was entangled in my throat. I did some dry runs, I paced the corridors, in my head I envisioned how it might all happen, and I realised something...the crashing fear was never going to go. The pure and utter dread was never going to end. This must be what it is like doing a bungee jump or a sky-dive. Standing on the precipice gripped by utter fear and nothing you can say to yourself will calm or sooth you. Nothing is going to take away the fear. In those situations you can either back down, or do it with the fear. You either take a step back from the edge and retreat, or you grab the fear with both hands, bear hug it and take it with you. I knew I couldn't back down, I knew this had to end...I knew I had to do this despite the fear. I had to do it fear and all.
I approached her desk "Can I have a word?" It was nothing out of the ordinary and she thought nothing of it, as I said we do occasionally deal with each other. She stood to follow me and I pointed to the hallway and as I opened the office door and stepped out I heard her side to a colleague "...it's an outside word?" I was petrified. I had stepped off the precipice and now I was free-falling. Inertia gone, momentum carrying me on a journey that I now could not stop even if I wanted to. The pavement was coming up fast. I was praying the corridor would be empty and for once my prayer was answered.
Sometimes the best way to say something is to just come out and say it. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come out for a drink some time?" I think that's what I said. To be honest my memory of the whole experience is somewhat vague. "What?" In a previous failed attempt to steady my nerves I had gone over the various ways I thought this conversation could go, but "What?" wasn't one of them. "You know...a drink..." "What? Sorry?" Words were failing me now so a "how about it" shrug had to suffice. "Sorry, I didn't quite get you for a while there, I'm still recovering from being unwell" was her response. At that point the Earth opened up ready to swallow me whole. Well...not Earth exactly but the elevator that I had the foresight to summon when we first entered the corridor. "Are you going out?" she said, spying my escape route. "To the shop across the road" I said. "Ok...we'll talk about this later" were her parting words as the cold metal doors slid between us and took me down to Hell.
At lunch I relayed the debacle to my colleague over pool who was upbeat about it and keen to point out the positives. But he had to...that's his job. He said that she was probably just a little shocked and didn't know how to react right away. She was too shocked to say "yes" but not shocked enough to enunciate "We'll talk about this later"? My colleague paused, then said that maybe today wasn't the best day to ask. He said that she had just come back to work from not feeling well and you could tell she was still down and not feeling herself. I asked him to elaborate and he explained that she wasn't wearing any make-up so probably wasn't feeling that great about herself so wanted to go and talk it over with her friends first. Who spots these things? Who realises that a woman isn't wearing make-up? Again I'm half wondering if this is my lack of social observation or him just trying to make me feel better.
I may be a social retard but I've learned enough through the years to know that "We'll talk about this later" is just a polite way of saying "No." The thing is though...at least now it's over. Now it's done with. Now I can get on with things and I'm feeling quite relieved. I don't think we'll ever have the "later" talk, she'll probably never speak to me again. If my colleague was maybe encouraging me a little too much I'm not overly concerned. Because I did it. I actually did it. Maybe I chose the wrong day, wrong time, wrong location and the wrong method...maybe I was a bit full on...but I took a girl to one side and asked if she would like to go for a drink. I completely exposed myself and made myself vulnerable. I made my intentions perfectly clear, I put myself out there and I said "here I am, this is how I feel now take me or leave me." I did it...I'm a real boy now.
I've been sitting on the situation for a while and it's not going away. In fact it is occupying more and more of my thoughts. My concerns are many-fold. For a start I'm kind of happy in my life right now, mainly. Do I need change? Am I ready to be in another relationship? I am also worried that I don't really want to be in a relationship with this person, I just want to know that someone likes me. Also do I really want to get involved with someone I work with? If it goes wrong I don't think I'm robust enough to be around someone I've been in a past relationship with. I mentioned this concern to my colleague who told me it was no way to think. I'm also minded that I never get a chance to meet women apart from at work. My colleague was of the opinion that I should "go for it" but he would say that, it's his job.
I sat on the situation some more and it got to the stage where it simply had to stop. I had to do something to end how I was feeling. I was anxious a lot of the time so finally resolved to take steps. I was finding that confiding in my colleague was making things easier for me so made my plans known to him. I had made my mind up that I was going to try and push things onto "the next step".
But how? I'm never really alone with her, so over a game of pool I asked my colleague what he thought about asking her over an e-mail. He laughed solidly for about 3 minutes. When he had regained his composure he said, with a grin, "You can't do that" then continued to laugh again. The saddest part is that I'd already written the e-mail out, it was sat in my "Drafts" for want of a "Send". It was full of my literary style, my humour, rhythm and flow, my way of phrasing things. It was dynamite. The only women I have ever managed to seduce have always been through the written word. Is that bad? It's who I am after all. I know real men don't do those things; real men hitch their belts, grab their crotch and ask girls out on dates. Was it so bad that I didn't want to do that? It got me thinking...here was a rare chance of me doing something that normal people do. Asking a girl out...in the flesh. But I know I'd be rubbish at it, and the as-yet-unsent email was solid gold. What was more important to me? To pretend to be normal for 5 minutes even though I'm not normal, or to just be me? Half of me was excited and half felt like a traitor.
My plans were delayed slightly when she was off ill, but when she was back at work I knew I had to do this, I had to bring this thing to a conclusion one way or the other. While calm on the outside my insides were raging. My mind was racing, my heart was thumping, the adrenalin was surging. My stomach was in knots and at points felt like it was entangled in my throat. I did some dry runs, I paced the corridors, in my head I envisioned how it might all happen, and I realised something...the crashing fear was never going to go. The pure and utter dread was never going to end. This must be what it is like doing a bungee jump or a sky-dive. Standing on the precipice gripped by utter fear and nothing you can say to yourself will calm or sooth you. Nothing is going to take away the fear. In those situations you can either back down, or do it with the fear. You either take a step back from the edge and retreat, or you grab the fear with both hands, bear hug it and take it with you. I knew I couldn't back down, I knew this had to end...I knew I had to do this despite the fear. I had to do it fear and all.
I approached her desk "Can I have a word?" It was nothing out of the ordinary and she thought nothing of it, as I said we do occasionally deal with each other. She stood to follow me and I pointed to the hallway and as I opened the office door and stepped out I heard her side to a colleague "...it's an outside word?" I was petrified. I had stepped off the precipice and now I was free-falling. Inertia gone, momentum carrying me on a journey that I now could not stop even if I wanted to. The pavement was coming up fast. I was praying the corridor would be empty and for once my prayer was answered.
Sometimes the best way to say something is to just come out and say it. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come out for a drink some time?" I think that's what I said. To be honest my memory of the whole experience is somewhat vague. "What?" In a previous failed attempt to steady my nerves I had gone over the various ways I thought this conversation could go, but "What?" wasn't one of them. "You know...a drink..." "What? Sorry?" Words were failing me now so a "how about it" shrug had to suffice. "Sorry, I didn't quite get you for a while there, I'm still recovering from being unwell" was her response. At that point the Earth opened up ready to swallow me whole. Well...not Earth exactly but the elevator that I had the foresight to summon when we first entered the corridor. "Are you going out?" she said, spying my escape route. "To the shop across the road" I said. "Ok...we'll talk about this later" were her parting words as the cold metal doors slid between us and took me down to Hell.
At lunch I relayed the debacle to my colleague over pool who was upbeat about it and keen to point out the positives. But he had to...that's his job. He said that she was probably just a little shocked and didn't know how to react right away. She was too shocked to say "yes" but not shocked enough to enunciate "We'll talk about this later"? My colleague paused, then said that maybe today wasn't the best day to ask. He said that she had just come back to work from not feeling well and you could tell she was still down and not feeling herself. I asked him to elaborate and he explained that she wasn't wearing any make-up so probably wasn't feeling that great about herself so wanted to go and talk it over with her friends first. Who spots these things? Who realises that a woman isn't wearing make-up? Again I'm half wondering if this is my lack of social observation or him just trying to make me feel better.
I may be a social retard but I've learned enough through the years to know that "We'll talk about this later" is just a polite way of saying "No." The thing is though...at least now it's over. Now it's done with. Now I can get on with things and I'm feeling quite relieved. I don't think we'll ever have the "later" talk, she'll probably never speak to me again. If my colleague was maybe encouraging me a little too much I'm not overly concerned. Because I did it. I actually did it. Maybe I chose the wrong day, wrong time, wrong location and the wrong method...maybe I was a bit full on...but I took a girl to one side and asked if she would like to go for a drink. I completely exposed myself and made myself vulnerable. I made my intentions perfectly clear, I put myself out there and I said "here I am, this is how I feel now take me or leave me." I did it...I'm a real boy now.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Call me Mr Nobody
It seems to me that conversations have different levels that are obtained in sequential order. When people initially meet, they grab the first rung of the ladder which is social chat; chit chat and the like. Nothing of any depth, just conversing about whatever. Like two boxers eyeing each other up in the ring…circling and throwing the odd, testing jab to see their opponent's form, style and reach. During this stage of conversation two people get a gauge for if they like each other and how much they enjoyed each other's conversation and general countenance.
If people are driven to spend enough time with each other, or if they just connect strongly enough, they move up to the next level of conversation where things are more meaningful. They may discuss on their opinions and views of things, now safe that their companion is sympathetic to their views. They may be more candid about their life situations, or they may discuss in detail about the things that interest them now they know their companion is reciprocal. As people tend to like people with similar interests there is more range of things they can talk about in a more in-depth manner. If sense of humour is similar then they can add a humorous angle to their experiences, or bring something into conversation purely down to the fact that they found it amusing. It is from these types of conversation that lasting friendship can spawn.
The thing about me, and I guess most people with Asperger's Syndrome, is that I am actually a socially boring person. I'm not a boring person, I can converse in-depth and with articulation and knowledge on many, many topics. I also have a pretty good sense of humour and can throw the odd joke or humorous observation into most topics. When it comes to the upper-rungs of the conversation ladder I can hold my own along with the best of them, I just can't handle that first step. If a stranger were to come up to me and attempt to spark up a conversation they'd soon find themselves frustrated and bored, as general meaningless chit-chat isn't something in my vocabulary.
As you can well imagine this is quite frustrating. I know I'm a fairly decent guy with a lot to offer, but no-one else does. Not through any fault of their own, but mine. I have things to say and discuss and talk about but no-one to really share my thoughts with. I realise I give off an impression to people that I'm curt and uninteresting and I suppose in these initial moments of meeting they're right…I am a socially uninteresting person.
Even though I can converse at those upper rungs of the ladder, I myself still can't instantly jump there. I can't approach a stranger, or have a stranger approach me, and converse on higher subjects right away; I too need that initial phase where you get comfortable with people, but for me that stage involves much less conversation :) So how do we get past that first rung of the ladder? How do we convince people to persevere with us? How can we drag them to our heights? If I had the answer I'd bottle it.
For me anyway, two things do help. First is working with people via your job. That way you're forced to be around each other and spend time with each other. In this captive situation you can conduct the "getting to know you" stage at your own pace. On-line situations also help where people tend to be in the same community due to a shared interest, and again you can get involved in a level you're comfortable with.
I mentioned the frustration before; having all these things inside you that you feel are going to waste. But the other aspect of frustration is when other people insist that you "just need to come out of your shell" and "stop being shy". I have no shell and I'm not shy. Yet again it is just that our worlds don't align, that I'm a square peg trying to fit your round hole because your round hole is what is considered to be correct.
If people are driven to spend enough time with each other, or if they just connect strongly enough, they move up to the next level of conversation where things are more meaningful. They may discuss on their opinions and views of things, now safe that their companion is sympathetic to their views. They may be more candid about their life situations, or they may discuss in detail about the things that interest them now they know their companion is reciprocal. As people tend to like people with similar interests there is more range of things they can talk about in a more in-depth manner. If sense of humour is similar then they can add a humorous angle to their experiences, or bring something into conversation purely down to the fact that they found it amusing. It is from these types of conversation that lasting friendship can spawn.
The thing about me, and I guess most people with Asperger's Syndrome, is that I am actually a socially boring person. I'm not a boring person, I can converse in-depth and with articulation and knowledge on many, many topics. I also have a pretty good sense of humour and can throw the odd joke or humorous observation into most topics. When it comes to the upper-rungs of the conversation ladder I can hold my own along with the best of them, I just can't handle that first step. If a stranger were to come up to me and attempt to spark up a conversation they'd soon find themselves frustrated and bored, as general meaningless chit-chat isn't something in my vocabulary.
As you can well imagine this is quite frustrating. I know I'm a fairly decent guy with a lot to offer, but no-one else does. Not through any fault of their own, but mine. I have things to say and discuss and talk about but no-one to really share my thoughts with. I realise I give off an impression to people that I'm curt and uninteresting and I suppose in these initial moments of meeting they're right…I am a socially uninteresting person.
Even though I can converse at those upper rungs of the ladder, I myself still can't instantly jump there. I can't approach a stranger, or have a stranger approach me, and converse on higher subjects right away; I too need that initial phase where you get comfortable with people, but for me that stage involves much less conversation :) So how do we get past that first rung of the ladder? How do we convince people to persevere with us? How can we drag them to our heights? If I had the answer I'd bottle it.
For me anyway, two things do help. First is working with people via your job. That way you're forced to be around each other and spend time with each other. In this captive situation you can conduct the "getting to know you" stage at your own pace. On-line situations also help where people tend to be in the same community due to a shared interest, and again you can get involved in a level you're comfortable with.
I mentioned the frustration before; having all these things inside you that you feel are going to waste. But the other aspect of frustration is when other people insist that you "just need to come out of your shell" and "stop being shy". I have no shell and I'm not shy. Yet again it is just that our worlds don't align, that I'm a square peg trying to fit your round hole because your round hole is what is considered to be correct.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
My telephone poles, my dark trenches, my broken windows, my park benches
Well my holiday is almost all but over and it's been a journey of mixed emotions. I really enjoyed by trip back to my home city, however it only reminded me how much I'd love to live in a big city again, a thriving city full of things to do and places to go. It is a city of options and opportunities. A place one could truly get lost. I did have one "AS moment" though when my companion and I tried to get into a particular bar one evening. I did what I normally do…head down and no eye contact as my companion satisfied the social requirements of entering the premises. I could hear the usual pawns being exchanged such as "Y'all right?" and I stood, fixed on the door waiting for the bouncer to open it. Then an unusual move, "Y'all right?" I know enough that "Y'all right" is rhetorical and never repeated so I looked at the bouncer who was staring right at me with incredible intent. "Y'all right?" "Yeah" I said and tried for a moment to be "normal", I looked him in the eye and answered "yeah mate". He stared suspiciously then said to my companion "Not tonight…yeah?" and with that we left. I'm guessing he took my lack of eye contact to be a deliberate attempt to conceal some form of narcotics use and my detachment from the world as being the smoking gun. The irony was that I was stone cold sober, I was just being me.
That aside, during my long-weekend back home I really felt that I had re-gained something that I'd lost since my diagnosis. I spent a long time in the company of others and of course there were lots of silences…I doubt I'm ever going to be a social butterfly and unless it is a topic I'm interested in conversation will always dry. But I pretty much pulled it off. If I ever revealed my dirty secret I doubt they'd be surprised, I don't think "but you seem so normal" would be the first thing they'd say. I did re-discover some confidence though and I came back feeling quite happy and pleased.
Though naturally I was still delighted to get back, back to my current home, my current town. By the end of the week I was even actually enjoying my time off. I was enjoying just pottering around and not doing a lot. Enjoying not having the stress of work. That didn't last though…come Saturday I started feeling a lot of anxiety, and today was no different. I've been anxious all day, pacing up and down, every second feeling like an hour. This is all too familiar to me…that wait for Monday when I can recommence my routine of work and gym. Only then will my happiness return. It's not just the anxiety though…everything has fallen apart. In the week since my holiday started everything has broken…my flat is a tip, clothes are everywhere, nothing has been done, dishes are piling up, rubbish is piling up. I'm just watching the clock, for tomorrow will be truly magical.
That aside, during my long-weekend back home I really felt that I had re-gained something that I'd lost since my diagnosis. I spent a long time in the company of others and of course there were lots of silences…I doubt I'm ever going to be a social butterfly and unless it is a topic I'm interested in conversation will always dry. But I pretty much pulled it off. If I ever revealed my dirty secret I doubt they'd be surprised, I don't think "but you seem so normal" would be the first thing they'd say. I did re-discover some confidence though and I came back feeling quite happy and pleased.
Though naturally I was still delighted to get back, back to my current home, my current town. By the end of the week I was even actually enjoying my time off. I was enjoying just pottering around and not doing a lot. Enjoying not having the stress of work. That didn't last though…come Saturday I started feeling a lot of anxiety, and today was no different. I've been anxious all day, pacing up and down, every second feeling like an hour. This is all too familiar to me…that wait for Monday when I can recommence my routine of work and gym. Only then will my happiness return. It's not just the anxiety though…everything has fallen apart. In the week since my holiday started everything has broken…my flat is a tip, clothes are everywhere, nothing has been done, dishes are piling up, rubbish is piling up. I'm just watching the clock, for tomorrow will be truly magical.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Hands upon my back again
Tomorrow is my last day at work for just over a week as I've taken some time off. It's a good time for me to take a break as the job is definitely more stressful than my last job and it's been 8 months with no break for me now. Plus I really need to use the holiday up before the end of the year.
It's just that I've been here before. So many times. I hate taking time off, I hate breaking the routine. Most people would be joyous and excited, whereas I am fretful and nervous. It's not just the break in routine but once more I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and travelling back to the place of my birth (only for the long weekend, the rest I'll spend back here). Further more I'll be staying with someone rather than staying in a hotel, and I don't do well in the constant company of others. What I'm wondering is if this "comfort zone" stuff is actually worth it. None of this stuff gets any easier the more I do it, so if it never gets any easier, and makes you feel uncomfortable, then is it worth it? Am I actually making things better for myself in the long-term, or just worse for myself in the short-term?
I just hope that when I get back I'll be blogging that I don't know what I was so worried about and that it was great and that I had a great time. We'll see.
It's just that I've been here before. So many times. I hate taking time off, I hate breaking the routine. Most people would be joyous and excited, whereas I am fretful and nervous. It's not just the break in routine but once more I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and travelling back to the place of my birth (only for the long weekend, the rest I'll spend back here). Further more I'll be staying with someone rather than staying in a hotel, and I don't do well in the constant company of others. What I'm wondering is if this "comfort zone" stuff is actually worth it. None of this stuff gets any easier the more I do it, so if it never gets any easier, and makes you feel uncomfortable, then is it worth it? Am I actually making things better for myself in the long-term, or just worse for myself in the short-term?
I just hope that when I get back I'll be blogging that I don't know what I was so worried about and that it was great and that I had a great time. We'll see.
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
A life half lived
When I was younger we had a board game called The Game of Life. Despite its facetious name I suppose it was fairly accurate. You went to school and got a degree, got a job, married, bought a house, had kids then retired. In a way that's what life is to most people. Now that I'm getting on in years I see that people around me are all in long-term relationships, or getting married, or having kids, or buying houses, or planning retirement…playing The Game.
When I was a kid we spent our days pulling pigtails and playing computer games. Now that I'm an adult it's kinda weird how everyone else is playing The Game but I'm still pulling pigtails and playing computer games. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes I think about all of the normal things I've never known, and probably never will know. Time is marching on relentlessly but I'm staying the same, getting more and more distant from my peers, never being able to advance beyond those first few squares. They're developing their lives while I'm treading water. Next they'll all be dying, just to make me jealous.
I suppose in a way my current abstinence from alcohol is simply a subconscious furtherance of this retraction from life. I was never the social butterfly, but when I was drinking I did at least have a reason to leave my house at the weekend when the sun was down. I wasn't socialising as such, but at least I was out among people. I wasn't diving from the high board, but at least I had my toes in the water. At least I was rolling the dice.
Every day when I go into work and hear about the lives of others it's dawning on me what "life" is supposed to be and the pleasure people get from it. If they knew the truth, my life to them would seem like the plot from some futuristic horror movie. They don't know the truth though, so instead each Monday they ask "What did you do at the weekend?"; faces aglow with fresh memories and enthusiasm.
"Nothing."
When I was a kid we spent our days pulling pigtails and playing computer games. Now that I'm an adult it's kinda weird how everyone else is playing The Game but I'm still pulling pigtails and playing computer games. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes I think about all of the normal things I've never known, and probably never will know. Time is marching on relentlessly but I'm staying the same, getting more and more distant from my peers, never being able to advance beyond those first few squares. They're developing their lives while I'm treading water. Next they'll all be dying, just to make me jealous.
I suppose in a way my current abstinence from alcohol is simply a subconscious furtherance of this retraction from life. I was never the social butterfly, but when I was drinking I did at least have a reason to leave my house at the weekend when the sun was down. I wasn't socialising as such, but at least I was out among people. I wasn't diving from the high board, but at least I had my toes in the water. At least I was rolling the dice.
Every day when I go into work and hear about the lives of others it's dawning on me what "life" is supposed to be and the pleasure people get from it. If they knew the truth, my life to them would seem like the plot from some futuristic horror movie. They don't know the truth though, so instead each Monday they ask "What did you do at the weekend?"; faces aglow with fresh memories and enthusiasm.
"Nothing."
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Update on work
I've been at my job for over 6 months now and I've pretty much settled in…as have others settled with me. The person I sit beside has already remarked that I eat the same thing for lunch every day. Winter's gone so at least I'm not getting comments about never wearing a jacket any more. It also turns out an ex-colleague went to university with someone at my work. I know their name but I'm not too familiar with them as a person. I had met up with this ex-colleague and he asked me if I know such-and-such and I said "not really." Someone else who was there asked "does he know AS4L?" to which the ex-colleague replied with a smile "oh, everyone knows AS4L". I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm hoping it is in reference to my legendary comedy skills :)
As for my colleagues in general…it really is same s**t different day. The things that annoyed me in my old place are just annoying me slightly less in my new place. It seems that other people's flaws are universal. Again I am finding myself frustrated at other people's lack of attention to detail and inability to come up with decent solutions to things. I know that the detail thing is maybe just me being too focussed on detail, but I don't know if it isn't also that they're just slack or don't care. Maybe it's a bit of both.
On a related note I can see myself doing some things that, in hindsight, maybe weren't the best ideas I've ever had. One colleague brought me to his computer for me to look at something they had finished but I didn't like the way they had done it. I didn't like it at all. I advised them of a better way that was in keeping with good principles and practices and would be more flexible for the client and less prone to errors but they didn't seem to care, in their mind the job was done. So when I got back to my own computer I completely re-wrote everything they had done. When my way was finished I showed the colleague my method and explained why it was better. It was only in the following days it dawned on me that it would probably piss me off if I showed something to someone and they went and re-wrote it. I suppose it could be considered disrespectful…but he should have taken my advice and implemented my method himself so I didn't have to do it for him :)
Similarly I went over reams and reams of another colleagues work and noted down every error. I fixed most of them but left the more complicated issues for them to fix. When I was done I sent them this big list of things I had fixed and a list for them still to fix. My intention of telling him the things I had fixed was so he was aware that he had done them wrong so he could look at the updated version and learn from it…but again it was only in the following days that I realised he probably just thinks I'm a prick :)
As for my colleagues in general…it really is same s**t different day. The things that annoyed me in my old place are just annoying me slightly less in my new place. It seems that other people's flaws are universal. Again I am finding myself frustrated at other people's lack of attention to detail and inability to come up with decent solutions to things. I know that the detail thing is maybe just me being too focussed on detail, but I don't know if it isn't also that they're just slack or don't care. Maybe it's a bit of both.
On a related note I can see myself doing some things that, in hindsight, maybe weren't the best ideas I've ever had. One colleague brought me to his computer for me to look at something they had finished but I didn't like the way they had done it. I didn't like it at all. I advised them of a better way that was in keeping with good principles and practices and would be more flexible for the client and less prone to errors but they didn't seem to care, in their mind the job was done. So when I got back to my own computer I completely re-wrote everything they had done. When my way was finished I showed the colleague my method and explained why it was better. It was only in the following days it dawned on me that it would probably piss me off if I showed something to someone and they went and re-wrote it. I suppose it could be considered disrespectful…but he should have taken my advice and implemented my method himself so I didn't have to do it for him :)
Similarly I went over reams and reams of another colleagues work and noted down every error. I fixed most of them but left the more complicated issues for them to fix. When I was done I sent them this big list of things I had fixed and a list for them still to fix. My intention of telling him the things I had fixed was so he was aware that he had done them wrong so he could look at the updated version and learn from it…but again it was only in the following days that I realised he probably just thinks I'm a prick :)
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
I'm "that guy"
Today at work I had a triumph and an "AS" moment all in one. We have a mailing distribution list for "off topic" emails such as jokes, funny videos etc. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a comic and if I can blow my own trumpet a little I think my contribution to the list is rather well received. Of course I don't post many e-mails, I find no humour in just "passing on" something I've found, but my responses to other e-mails and the like have not gone without note.
For background information, there is someone at work who seems rather well liked by the ladies and if I put my "AS" hat on, I'd say it is a combination of him being flirtatious, as well as him being engaged. I think women respond favourably to men who are attached as they can indulge in "harmless" flirtation themselves. Maybe it gives them an even greater boost to know that they can still turn the head of someone who is engaged to be married, to flirt and cause them to flirt back. He is also very keen (scarily keen) to share his flaws with others and I think that's something women might be responding to; someone "in touch" with themselves rather than just touching themselves. Whatever it is, it's certainly not his looks and I'd love to drink a bottle of it.
Well there is a girl in particular at work that I've noticed he has a bit of a relationship with that a man who is engaged should not really be having. Nothing is "going on", but I can tell the flirting is just something more than flirting. Well today was most unfortunate for this woman, as she responded to an email he had sent to this "off topic" list obviously intending it to go directly to him, but she had sent it by mistake to the distribution list instead. The mail wasn't "terrible", but for a man who prefers to read between lines more than on them, the language used betrayed this hidden relationship of theirs that I think they have. More so I feel that maybe they are verbally acknowledging this relationship to each other in secret. Feeding off it.
Now a man has an option of simply ignoring the mistaken email to hide the embarrassment of all involved. He also has an option of responding to the distribution list highlighting the mistake in a cleverly worded fashion for comic effect… I'm not completely without a conscience and my finger did hover over the "Send" button for a moment while I told myself, internally, that if I didn't have Asperger's I probably wouldn't be sending the e-mail I was about to send. But on the other hand it was f**king hilarious. So I sent it.
The reaction was fairly instant with stifled laughter being heard around the office, I could even hear in some corners my very name being mentioned; "Did you read AS4L's email?" Responses came to me direct with all manner of grandiose exclamations of how funny it was and how much they had enjoyed it. Yet not a single, solitary person sent to the distribution list that they thought it was funny…the replies all came directly to me. Directly in a way that said "I've always thought there was something up between those two, I'm just glad someone came out and said it, and I'm glad it wasn't me who was that guy."
For background information, there is someone at work who seems rather well liked by the ladies and if I put my "AS" hat on, I'd say it is a combination of him being flirtatious, as well as him being engaged. I think women respond favourably to men who are attached as they can indulge in "harmless" flirtation themselves. Maybe it gives them an even greater boost to know that they can still turn the head of someone who is engaged to be married, to flirt and cause them to flirt back. He is also very keen (scarily keen) to share his flaws with others and I think that's something women might be responding to; someone "in touch" with themselves rather than just touching themselves. Whatever it is, it's certainly not his looks and I'd love to drink a bottle of it.
Well there is a girl in particular at work that I've noticed he has a bit of a relationship with that a man who is engaged should not really be having. Nothing is "going on", but I can tell the flirting is just something more than flirting. Well today was most unfortunate for this woman, as she responded to an email he had sent to this "off topic" list obviously intending it to go directly to him, but she had sent it by mistake to the distribution list instead. The mail wasn't "terrible", but for a man who prefers to read between lines more than on them, the language used betrayed this hidden relationship of theirs that I think they have. More so I feel that maybe they are verbally acknowledging this relationship to each other in secret. Feeding off it.
Now a man has an option of simply ignoring the mistaken email to hide the embarrassment of all involved. He also has an option of responding to the distribution list highlighting the mistake in a cleverly worded fashion for comic effect… I'm not completely without a conscience and my finger did hover over the "Send" button for a moment while I told myself, internally, that if I didn't have Asperger's I probably wouldn't be sending the e-mail I was about to send. But on the other hand it was f**king hilarious. So I sent it.
The reaction was fairly instant with stifled laughter being heard around the office, I could even hear in some corners my very name being mentioned; "Did you read AS4L's email?" Responses came to me direct with all manner of grandiose exclamations of how funny it was and how much they had enjoyed it. Yet not a single, solitary person sent to the distribution list that they thought it was funny…the replies all came directly to me. Directly in a way that said "I've always thought there was something up between those two, I'm just glad someone came out and said it, and I'm glad it wasn't me who was that guy."
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Turning off
Since I've started my new job I've been almost over-stimulated mentally and I'm finding it hard to switch off when I leave. It's not just when I leave either; I often work through a bit of my lunch too. It's like I'm so focussed on what I'm doing and what the next step is, that I just want to get to that step. Usually I'm lifting my feet up for the cleaners while everyone else has gone home, just wanting to do that little bit more. When I finally leave I just can't turn off and what I need to do the next day just goes around and around my head.
In the evening I usually send an e-mail from my home account to my work account detailing what I have to do the next day and in it I make any notes about things I need to check, things I need to make sure other people are doing and so on. It seems to help me and I do go down a gear after I've sent the email, almost like it's the full stop to the working day. It can be worse on Friday as I have the whole weekend to mull things over before I can get back to it!
I'm sure it's partially just the novelty factor and it'll wear off, but I've obviously had jobs before and don't remember ever being like this. It's good in a way as it shows I am focussed…but it's bad because no-one wants to come home and be plagued with thoughts of work - you want to relax.
Something else I'm having to deal with is the meeting culture. I'm rubbish at multi-tasking and switching tasks. I like to do one thing and see it through, but when there are meetings set up left right and centre you just have to stop what you're doing to attend. It isn't just you but other people have all resolved to get together at that time and you need to attend there and then.
In the evening I usually send an e-mail from my home account to my work account detailing what I have to do the next day and in it I make any notes about things I need to check, things I need to make sure other people are doing and so on. It seems to help me and I do go down a gear after I've sent the email, almost like it's the full stop to the working day. It can be worse on Friday as I have the whole weekend to mull things over before I can get back to it!
I'm sure it's partially just the novelty factor and it'll wear off, but I've obviously had jobs before and don't remember ever being like this. It's good in a way as it shows I am focussed…but it's bad because no-one wants to come home and be plagued with thoughts of work - you want to relax.
Something else I'm having to deal with is the meeting culture. I'm rubbish at multi-tasking and switching tasks. I like to do one thing and see it through, but when there are meetings set up left right and centre you just have to stop what you're doing to attend. It isn't just you but other people have all resolved to get together at that time and you need to attend there and then.
Monday, 8 February 2010
Big spaces and small spaces
After my initial introduction to my new company I have been moved into the general population…namely the main open-plan office. I know many people with Asperger's Syndrome have problems with open-plan offices and such but I'm not that bothered by it. I'm missing the reduction in screen privacy, and I guess I am occasionally annoyed by the idiotic discussions that go on around me, both technical (someone didn't understand why when updating something using jQuery the html in view->source did not also change (sorry if you don't understand that)) and non-technical (someone telling an anecdote about someone they knew who worked at a bank and programmed the computers to siphon off spare money…I swear this actually took place, I couldn't bite my lip and had to inform him that wasn't an anecdote, it was the plot for Superman III).
Stranger than the open-plan office is the lift that I need to take each morning, and each evening. It's only a few floors but when you’re in a confined space with someone you're constantly thinking in your head "please no-one start a conversation"…but they always do. We're in there for 20 seconds or less…how can you have a conversation? Gah! This morning I had to actually go the wrong way out of the office so I didn't cut my co-converser off mid anecdote (he was telling me about his friend who got bitten by a radioactive spider). Then on the way home rather than go to the car park I had to walk half way down the road so I didn't cut off someone else mid-anecdote.
Stranger than the open-plan office is the lift that I need to take each morning, and each evening. It's only a few floors but when you’re in a confined space with someone you're constantly thinking in your head "please no-one start a conversation"…but they always do. We're in there for 20 seconds or less…how can you have a conversation? Gah! This morning I had to actually go the wrong way out of the office so I didn't cut my co-converser off mid anecdote (he was telling me about his friend who got bitten by a radioactive spider). Then on the way home rather than go to the car park I had to walk half way down the road so I didn't cut off someone else mid-anecdote.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
I am Jack's lonely liver
Last year when I had that time off between jobs and went on a tour of the country, I entered into that state where you drink so much it just has no effect on you any more and you're drinking purely for the 2 seconds it wastes lifting up your arm then putting it back down again. When I returned I vowed to dry up a little. I mainly had my new job in mind as I wanted to stay acute and focussed, not obtuse and hung-over.
My problem is that "moderation" isn’t in my vocabulary. I've tried cutting back, I've desperately tried not drinking on Sundays so I am fine for work the next day but all I end up doing is breaking promises. I guess I'm just an all-or-nothing kinda guy, so I decided to just stop drinking altogether. I was off the wagon for Christmas and New Year as I knew I couldn't possibly handle the stress and anxiety without it, but that's been my only blip so far in four months now.
In terms of the health benefits I've already lost over half a stone which isn't bad seeing as I haven't changed what I eat or how much I exercise. My sleep is a lot better too. During the week I still don't get much sleep, but I haven't had to go to work with a hangover for a long time so I'm always fresh and alert in the mornings. At the weekend I usually turn my phone off when I go to bed and just sleep right through to the morning, waking up naturally. Usually when you're drinking you don't get a particularly restful sleep…but now I sleep for a good 7 or 8 hours and when I wake up I actually feel like I've had a good, solid sleep too. I feel really rested and rejuvenated, not all dehydrated and restless.
It's not all good though…obviously I do miss it and things just don't "feel right" at the weekend when you're not drinking. I still go out to see local bands and things but it's not quite the same when you're drinking coke at £3 a pint. When you're sat at home of a weekend watching TV, movies or playing games it's just not as relaxing without a few drinks. Having Asperger's Syndrome (AS) my mind is always racing and I miss the down time that being drunk gives me. In terms of work nights out and things, it's never fun being around drunk people when you're sober. So I'm not saying I'm teetotal now or anything, I'm just trying this out for now to see where it goes. Recovered alcoholics must have a terrible time; at least people who have never drunk don't know what they're missing.
Maybe my AS is actually helping me here. I'm always telling people who are "trying" to give up smoking; "why don't you just not smoke?" "You don't understand…" they bleat. Maybe as I'm so centred around routines I've just made this my new routine? "Not drinking" is now what I do.
My problem is that "moderation" isn’t in my vocabulary. I've tried cutting back, I've desperately tried not drinking on Sundays so I am fine for work the next day but all I end up doing is breaking promises. I guess I'm just an all-or-nothing kinda guy, so I decided to just stop drinking altogether. I was off the wagon for Christmas and New Year as I knew I couldn't possibly handle the stress and anxiety without it, but that's been my only blip so far in four months now.
In terms of the health benefits I've already lost over half a stone which isn't bad seeing as I haven't changed what I eat or how much I exercise. My sleep is a lot better too. During the week I still don't get much sleep, but I haven't had to go to work with a hangover for a long time so I'm always fresh and alert in the mornings. At the weekend I usually turn my phone off when I go to bed and just sleep right through to the morning, waking up naturally. Usually when you're drinking you don't get a particularly restful sleep…but now I sleep for a good 7 or 8 hours and when I wake up I actually feel like I've had a good, solid sleep too. I feel really rested and rejuvenated, not all dehydrated and restless.
It's not all good though…obviously I do miss it and things just don't "feel right" at the weekend when you're not drinking. I still go out to see local bands and things but it's not quite the same when you're drinking coke at £3 a pint. When you're sat at home of a weekend watching TV, movies or playing games it's just not as relaxing without a few drinks. Having Asperger's Syndrome (AS) my mind is always racing and I miss the down time that being drunk gives me. In terms of work nights out and things, it's never fun being around drunk people when you're sober. So I'm not saying I'm teetotal now or anything, I'm just trying this out for now to see where it goes. Recovered alcoholics must have a terrible time; at least people who have never drunk don't know what they're missing.
Maybe my AS is actually helping me here. I'm always telling people who are "trying" to give up smoking; "why don't you just not smoke?" "You don't understand…" they bleat. Maybe as I'm so centred around routines I've just made this my new routine? "Not drinking" is now what I do.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Ho, ho, horrible
My anxiety levels have been through the roof today, all day. My flat looks like the only gift I got this year was squatters. I honestly can't remember the last time I did the dishes, and the only thing with more dust than the cans and bottles on my floor is the vacuum cleaner. I'm living off takeaways and alcohol as each day is as without structure as the last. Getting up later and later each day, starting to drink earlier and earlier each evening. My deep depression has now turned into absolute anxiety.
I'm back at work for two days which is a strain to be honest, and then it all starts again until the New Year when I'll have a whole new batch of people to lie to about how great my Christmas was.
I'm back at work for two days which is a strain to be honest, and then it all starts again until the New Year when I'll have a whole new batch of people to lie to about how great my Christmas was.
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