Medicated Kids

I saw an interesting documentary from Louis Theroux about America's habit of medicating children for mental illnesses. The great thing about Louis is that he is so skilful at bringing out from people themselves the very essence of what he wants from them. He always lets the subject show their true colours and it is for you to spot…there is never a voice-over to make obvious the significance of what the person has just said; you have to register it yourself.

It revolved around about three children in all, some featured more than others. One child he spent a lot of time with had Asperger's Syndrome (AS), as well as bi-polar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. He was on medication for all of these (apart from AS, of course) and it really came as no surprise to find that his whole family were on medication too. Even the dog was on anti-anxiety medication. No…that wasn't a joke.

Now I have to admit I did see some signs of AS in him but who knows, he could have just been a typical surly 10 year old boy. Louis also saw these signs and I was impressed with the research he must have done for the show. Not only was he able to spot the signs of AS, he knew instantly every type of medication these kids were on and what the active processes in them were. At one point he talked to the parents to find out where this stuff all began, and they said it started with his bi-polar (there is some doubt if bi-polar even exists in young children) that they discovered via his suicidal thoughts. These thoughts came out when he was punished for something and threatened to throw himself under a car when they chastised him. When Louis managed to spend some time alone with the child he asked him about the incident and the boy was very straightforward and nonchalant about it, saying it was only a threat and he didn't mean it. He certainly showed no signs of having suicidal thoughts at the time; he came across as a typical boy of his age. So if he didn't really have suicidal thoughts are his parents just too quick to see things that aren't there and then turn to medication? If he isn't bi-polar, is he any of the other things he is being medicated for?

The coupe de grace came in his final talk with the parents where he said that he could see signs of AS in him, but not much else. Their reply was that that proved the medication was working. They can't medicate for AS so the fact that only that is showing is proof the other issues are being controlled. I immediately thought of The Simpsons where Homer claims that the "bear patrol" (paid for by a new "bear tax") is working as he sees no bears.

Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?

Another child (around 6) also had the same issues (minus AS) and his main problem was that he was a bad loser. Ummm….ok. If he lost at something he would throw a tantrum, or hide under the desk, and these were the issues they were working on. When Louis visited them at home he brought out a simple game to play with the child, and he beat him at the game. So the kid throws a tantrum and goes screaming behind the sofa…but it was obvious to any observer that he was just playing, it was just an extension of the game. He was smiling and laughing at the camera as he was screaming behind the sofa.

Another family (same thing….OCD, ADHD, you get the picture) and the kids of this family claimed they actually felt better off the medication they'd been given.

I've always been of the opinion that people are medicated too much these days, mainly on the whim of the patient. It makes sense that these same types of people are also keen to cash in on the labelling craze and medicate their children too. I think a part of them has bought into the idea of perfect children that TV and movies preaches to us and they're neither prepared for, or happy with, the reality that children are actually difficult. Subconsciously are these parents really just hibernating their children? Turning them into zombies through the early years so they can start being real parents when the kids start being "fun"?

I also see it as an extension of the "mini-me" phenomenon where pushy parents try and stamp their own identity onto their kids. Forcing them to look like they do, to do the hobbies they do etc. Now they want them diagnosed and medicated like they are too. Having experienced many different takes on AS around the internet one thing that has struck me quite solidly is that a massive percentage of "people with AS" on the internet are not only self-diagnosed, but have diagnosed most people in their life with AS too. Or if not AS then some other "condition". There are genuinely people out there who, for some reason I don't understand, seem to revel in being diagnosed with something or diagnosing others. Almost like it is a game…like it's "fun" to be "special". Which brings me back to another poignant moment in the documentary where Louis asked the boy with AS how he feels about all of his diagnoses. "I like it." "Do you like being special?" "Yeah…it's fun".

What I did during the war

My parents sent me a copy of my full birth certificate, and with it they sent me my old school reports. I don't remember too much from my early school days so it's an interesting glimpse into the past and how I was as a child. Obviously I was interested to see if it gave any signs of Asperger's Syndrome.

Year 1 - 5 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory

Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
Writing: Has difficulty (note: with care and effort written work should improve)

General note: AS4L is rather immature, but he can cope with the work of the class

Year 2 - 6 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written English would improve if he put more care and effort into it)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory

Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent

General note: AS4L's work should improve with maturity

Year 3 - 7 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: AS4L finds it hard to concentrate)
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written work is both careless and badly presented)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory

Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent

General note: Progress is satisfactory

Year 6 - 10 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Written English: Competent. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: Presentation very poor due to lack of effort)

Mathematical skills;
Practical problems: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Computation: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: Presentation again poor)

Centres of interest;

Social Studies: Interested
Science: Interested

Interests and aptitudes;
Creative arts: Interested
Dramatic activities: Interested
Recreative reading: Interested
Creative writing: Interested
Musical activities: Interested
Physical education: Interested

So I was pretty average across the board. Not excelling or showing promise at anything, immature with poor written work and easily distracted.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

When I was going through school one thing made me really stand out from my peers and I suspect that it was related to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Basically I hated sport and wasn't competitive in any way. I've always been rubbish at anything physical (I know I go to the gym but any idiot can lift something up then put it back down again) or anything that requires co-ordination and teamwork. My non-competitive edge was, I think, partially my AS and partially my desire to avoid the embarrassment of failure.

Sport was mandatory at my school and the sport of choice that was forced on you was almost always football. When forced to play I would simply stand on the pitch making no attempt to go for the ball or even move. If the ball came anywhere close to me I'd still stand there and let it roll by. When they thought they'd be clever and put me in goal they'd soon change their mind when I'd just stand in goal also. If the ball was anywhere near me I'd actually get out of its way.

The school didn't seem to mind, but you can't really force someone to participate, and I think they also knew that my actual punishment would come not from them but from my peers. And of course they were right. Where I grew up football wasn't a matter of life and death…it was more important than that. Football was people's "way out". There was no real employment where I grew up and I went to a school in a disadvantaged area with people whose parents didn't work, were single parents and on benefits. Becoming a professional footballer was their way out of poverty. I always knew that university would be my way out, but by interfering with their precious game I was interfering with their future so it didn't do anything to improve my popularity.

The lack of competitive spirit is something that has stayed with me; however I have found that I can be quite competitive with myself. Getting back to the gym as an example, one thing that drives you on month after month is that you want to beat yourself. You want to lift more this week than you did last week, or lift it better, or lift it more times. It's a gradual process where week by week you improve in increments. When I use the bikes I am constantly trying to burn more calories than I did the week before, keep a higher average RPM, go further. I have all manner of statistics and figures going around in my head and I attempt to better them.

The only thing I've done that comes close to being competitive with others is racing my car. Not on track with other cars…I'm not made of money :) but special timed events where it is just one car on track at a time and your lap times are recorded. It's a good compromise as no-one really wants to race on-track with other cars in their daily driver, but trackdays don't offer any real comparison or competition as they are not timed and you don't "race". This way the only damage you'll do is if you fall off track, but you're still timed so can compare your results to others. Without wanting to blow my own trumpet I was pretty good, usually finishing at the top end of the table, however it was only myself I was really racing. Every lap I just wanted to go faster than my last one. I didn't want to beat others, I went out to beat myself. If I did well compared to others of course that's a good feeling but it's not what I did it for. Alas one of the reasons I stopped racing was the attitude of other drivers. I hated the competitive spirit of others and how it made them behave and act. I hate being around competitive people, I just wanted to get on and do my own thing but it just got harder and harder so ultimately I stopped.

If these things are AS related then if you have AS and want to try sport, or have children with AS and want them to try sport, maybe pick things where you are mainly competing against yourself. Things like golf or snooker come to mind. While they are still against a single opponent, they are mainly against yourself. You can practice both on your own and with golf you aim to get your handicap down and your course score down. With snooker you're trying to improve your break scores, your frame scores, your pots per visit etc. Compare those with something like boxing where it is only ever a competition between you and your opponent and everything is quite subjective.

In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king

One of the more commonly known issues with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is empathy. When I think of empathy I always think about putting yourself in the shoes of someone else when they are undergoing a physical process...like being hurt when falling down, or feeling sad after a break-up. It seems that empathy tends to encompass more than that though, such as how another person sees the world in general. I found this out after reading some research material about autism (not specifically AS) and what tests have been conducted to show the differences between autistic children and non-autistic (NT) children.

One of the tests they do is seeing if a child knows how another child perceives the world. The classic example is that Child A has a ball in a basket and leaves the room, and Child B takes the ball from the basket and puts it in a box. When Child A comes back to the room do they look for the ball in the basket or the box? A child who knows how Child A perceives the world will say "basket", but a child who only knows how they themselves perceive the world would say "box".

What interested me most was the importance of the age of the children involved when it comes to these tests. The study is quite explicit in that it isn't saying that NT children will say "basket" and autistic children will say "box". What the study shows is that NT children of a specific age (4 in this case) will say "basket", where an autistic child of 4 would say "box". However by the time the autistic child reaches 6 they would also be saying "basket". It brought home how important it is to diagnose autism in children and how hard it must be to do in adults. It also explains the rather blasé attitude I found in professionals when trying to get diagnosed myself. After all...if these key tests can't be done at the right age then in fairness how can they ever be sure to truly diagnose autism? All they can do is give it their best shot.

It also comforted me in a way as I've read the odd thing about how children with AS act that sometimes don't resonate with me. However maybe that is because while I don't remember exhibiting a certain deficiency, the real issue is that I'm remembering how I was at an older age. So it's not that I was exhibiting "normal" behaviour so maybe I don't have AS, but that that "normal" behaviour was only happening years after it should have been happening. So while I remember thinking "basket", I was thinking it later than I should have been. Further that it is this delay in the development process that is the vital key to knowing if a child is autistic. I now fully appreciate why childhood diagnosis is so important, or failing that information from the parent if it is an adult that is seeking diagnosis. I can't be expected to know at what age certain behaviours came and went, but my parents should.

This possible delay in development ties in with my memories of my parents always showing concern about how immature I was and how I tended to prefer the company of children younger than me. Maybe my development was out of phase by a year or two? If autistic children do eventually learn what their NT counterparts learned a few years previous I suppose it's not unusual that we develop many coping strategies and grow "more normal" as we get older.

The paper did occasionally mention AS specifically and said that sometimes children with AS were able to pass these "theory of mind" tests even though children further up the austic spectrum often could not.

This concept of knowing how others see the world made me think about another vivid childhood memory I have; when watching television I'd often wonder if other people were seeing the show in the same way. When the news came on and the newsreader had a moustache I'd ask someone "does that person have a moustache?" When I saw a red car I'd ask "is that car red?" It must have seemed quite strange to others, but I was genuinely wondering if everyone saw everything the same way. Was my desire to understand the world causing me to confront my lack of knowledge on how others saw the world?

Coming full circle - I initially said that I considered empathy as knowing how someone felt after a physical event...this paper also touched on the fact then when asked what functions a brain did, autistic children tend to concentrate on the physical (tells our muscles to move, heart to beat, let's us see) while completely ignoring the emotional functions, but NT children consider both.

Hard knocks or hard candy?

I lived most of my life undiagnosed, including all the way through my early years right up until adulthood. I went through the educational system from age 5 through to age 22 undiagnosed. I didn't have a great childhood, or a great adolescence. Adulthood aint that great so far either. Things are definitely better since my diagnosis though, now that my mind is clear of confusion and fear…flushed out by understanding and replaced with knowledge and…well, fear. Just of a different kind. What if I knew about my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) sooner? From a young child?

Obviously growing up undiagnosed has played a large part in who I am now, and maybe saddled me with some baggage too. But has it helped sculpt my abilities to "look normal"? Casual acquaintances usually see me as fairly normal, maybe at worst a little quiet or shy. People who know me better might start to see other facets of me. All in all, though, I'm outwardly fairly normal. However getting here has been a long process paved with failure, embarrassment, humiliation and self-loathing. But I'm here. I've walked through Hell and now I am where I am…robust and full of self-knowledge.

Awareness of AS is gaining momentum and more and more people are being diagnosed younger and younger. What does life have in store for them? Even "normal" children are wrapped up in cotton wool these days; prevented from sports days in case they "lose", having exams results re-worded in case they "fail", not being allowed to play in the street in case they "come to harm". And it's doing them no good at all. We're raising a nation of fat brats who watch TV all day and think they have a right to have everything they want without a thought for others. Their whole life revolves around them and the fulfilment of their every need. In a similar fashion are we also harming children with AS by telling them of their diagnosis?

I read articles from parents who have children diagnosed with AS and want the education system to bend for them. They want people to make allowances for them. They sometimes seem to want to remove responsibility from the child for their own actions. They look for medicines and pills to alter their behaviour. As human beings we learn by failing. If you remove all failure from a child's life how will they ever learn anything? No-one ever made allowances for me. No system bent for me. I fell, I got up, I dusted myself off and I learned from it. Battle by battle, scrape by scrape, I got stronger and stronger. If someone was there to make excuses for me or to stop me all the times my mouth got me in trouble, or my actions offend someone, or my thoughtlessness drove someone away then I'd be even less well equipped to deal with life than I am now. I have a whole bag of failure to dip into to remind me how not to behave, what not to say and what not to do. I've learned to enjoy my own company and be happy on my own. I've learned how to cope with other people's disappointment.

If a child with AS is brought up wrapped in cotton wool will they need that cotton wool their whole life? Will they become adults thinking it is the norm for other people to make allowances for them? Will they be able to cope when they come across a system that won't bend? People that won't make allowances?

I appreciate that my own AS is not as debilitating as others have, and that some people do have a genuine need for special care. I'm really talking about the in-betweeners, the high functioners. By teaching children that their actions can sometimes be excused, or that it is other people at fault because they're not accommodating you, are we doing them a disservice in the long run? Should we be teaching children with AS that they're "special" or should we be teaching them that life is hard…and for you harder still?

Maybe I just feel resentful that I did it the hard way so think other people should have to also? Maybe tough love really is the way? I don't have the answers, I'm just glad I'm not in the position of having to make a decision about what you tell a young child with AS.

Education, education, education

I think I'm pretty much the last of the people to be educated for free in my country. When I was growing up, everyone went from school to university all for free. Then the government started to introduce fees. They started prohibitively high, and then got upped to being preposterously high. These fees are either paid by parents, or just plunge the student into debt. Nowadays the average university leaver is about £10,000 or so in debt. Great way to start your career, huh?

But I digress. I don't remember much about primary school, I don't remember much from early childhood in general. Other than remembering that people who were 16 were really old, and people who were 20 were ancient. I do remember secondary school fairly well, although throughout my whole education I hadn't yet been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS).

Secondary school was where people really started to form friendships, "relationships" even, but that was rare. There were cliques and in-crowds. I had people I mucked around with, but not many, I tended to latch onto single friends. I was never popular, liked by some but actively disliked by many. I think this was probably down to the fact that I hadn't fully learned to be acceptably sociable. I was still saying things without really thinking, offending people left right and centre. I was also developing quite a strong moral code (something else popular among people with AS), a code that seemed to get a lot of people's backs up, especially the teachers. I couldn't stand to see favouritism or double standards, and always vocally fought it. It was at secondary school that I really started to feel like an outsider, to feel that no-one else was like me.

As well as the confusing social side of school, there was the academic side. I wasn't a brilliant student, but I was better than average. They didn't teach any form of computers at my school, so I couldn't study that. However I did take an interest in physics, and I was ok at maths too. I was beginning to learn that if I didn't like a subject I found it very very hard to concentrate. My mind easily wandered and after every parent's evening my folks would come back saying the teachers all said I was "clever but easily distracted".

As I was quite gifted with computers I think my parents thought I was academically gifted in general and super intelligent. Of course the truth was somewhat different, so it did cause some friction. My teachers were saying I was intelligent but didn't apply myself, my parents could see I was exceptional with computers, yet my grades were average to slightly above average. It was a time of many conflicts; I really didn't enjoy school at all.

I was really just waiting for university to start, as it would give me an opportunity to study something I was interested in - all I'd ever wanted to do was work with computers. I was also looking forward to being in a more mature learning environment, mingling with like-minded intellectuals all chasing the same dream.

How naive. University was just high school, only the people had different names and different faces. The only difference was that we were now treated like "adults", and that meant that people could get away with a lot more as you can't give adults a "telling off". While I was working on my projects, my peers were in the student bar. As deadlines neared I had my coursework all handed in, but I was usually the only one. Everyone else started their work the week before the deadline, then complained to the lecturer the day before the deadline to say that they need more time. As everyone was doing it the lecturers always gave in. Not one ever thought to say "well AS4L handed his coursework in two weeks ago so I think you do have enough time". Instead people just got extensions and leeway. Obviously this irked my strong moral code.

People also formed cliques and groups, and things were even more social than school. There were always nights out, parties etc etc. Of course I was never invited to any of them. University left me quite jaded and disillusioned, I thought for once in my life I'd be among like-minded folk, folk like me. Folk for whom socialising isn't everything. It was beginning to dawn on me just how different I was.

Not everyone at university was a waste of space, there were some who were interested in doing well academically ("nerds" I guess you could call them) but they bothered me in their own way. This was the first time I'd met people who were ambitious and talked about what they wanted to do when they left university. They were driven in a way I wasn't (I was obsessed by computers, not driven with them), they had their eyes on the prize and it made me feel quite uncomfortable. Jealous even.

The lowest point of university was the year out in industry we had to do. We had to find a placement, a real job in a real company. My lack of ambition meant I didn't get many interviews, and awful people skills meant I didn't get the jobs for the ones I did interview for. It looked like I was not going to get a placement at all, but I was thrown a pity line at the last minute. A place about 900 miles from where I lived was willing to take me on. I didn't want to move so far away (the money was a pittance too) so I turned it down. However I got a call from someone quite senior at the university who was rather insistant that I take the offer. So I did.

I said previously that I found it hard to get motivated for something I didn't enjoy…boy was that about to hit home. As this was scraping the barrel, the job was very little to do with what I was studying for my degree. I was hardly coding at all and found the job very boring. It was split between two locations so I often said I was at one when I should have been at the other. The reality was that I was often still in bed. It was an aspect of my personality that I really hated. I knew that if I wanted a job in the real world I would have to actually do the work, but I found motivation so hard to come by. I wasn't learning anything and I was 900 miles from home, I wasn't really enjoying it.

Apart from the work, it was the first time in my life that I was in a new town not knowing anyone. I was actually enjoying that aspect of it, being on my own. Always able to do my own thing. I was always at clubs and music venues, or going to the cinema or just wandering around. I was really beginning to explore my anti-social nature, beginning to indulge it. Work was less than happy, though…beginning to realise how often I was actually absent. After six months I'd had enough and told work that I was leaving. The university was furious, but I didn't care. I returned home, dossed for the next 6 months then went back to finish my degree. Of course when university started back everyone was full of stories about how great their placement was, how much they'd learned, how they had job offers for when they'd done their degree. Once more I was left feeling jealous and bitter.

Leaving university firmly behind me I took my education door to door, trying to find a job. However that was only another hurdle I had yet to discover…I was still rubbish at interviews. I always passed the technical part, but failed the call-back when you have to speak to the HR manager, or the MD or something. To this day the only jobs I have ever got have been from interviews that have been purely technical, focusing on what you can and can't do.

It's been a struggle, but I came through it in the end and it all taught me a lot about myself and my capabilities. My strengths and weaknesses.

Constant over-stimulation numbs me, but I would not want you any other way

One of the more enduring symptoms of Asperger Syndrome (AS) are issues with external stimulus. Common problems revolve around noise, touch, the feeling of clothes on your body. Again every person with AS suffers in their own unique way and there is a collective pool of sensory issues we all dip our toes in. My major issues revolve around temperature and sound.

Going back even earlier than my insomnia, a bad reaction to heat is probably the only AS-related thing I've ever heard my parents tell me about when I was younger. Apparently from baby onward I have always hated the heat and hated being in the sun. I'd cry like the baby I was until taken into the shade. This particular symptom seems to have forked into issues with both heat and cold. I appear to be almost impervious to cold, it nears superhero proportions…as if I have a secret Fortress of Solitude, carved from ice somewhere in the Antarctic. No matter how low the temperature gets I never seem to feel it. I can walk around in a gale, the rain or a blizzard and not feel its effects. This in itself is not a problem for me, far from it. It makes "heating" my flat cheaper at least. However every Superman has his kryptonite…

I can't stand the heat. And when I say heat, I mean normal temperatures. It doesn't take much to get me hot and flustered, and when I get hot I sweat buckets. Walking is especially bad for me. When I have to walk somewhere I'm fine on the way, taking advantage of the breeze as I make progress, but as soon as I stop I suddenly overheat and drip sweat. I mean it drips off my nose, runs down my face, drips down the back of my neck.

The worst scenarios are having to go to a shop, and stuff like that. It's not that great when you get to the counter looking like you've ran a marathon. Haircuts are especially embarrassing. It's bad enough when your face is running in sweat, but when someone else has to cut your hair at the same time it's a bit grim. What I tend to do is walk to the hairdresser then wait outside until my core temperate balances out a little and the worst over the sweats is over and mopped up.

Other bad situations are coming out of a shower. I stay soaking for ages…I can dry the shower off but the water is just replaced by a thick coating of sweat pouring down my body as I sit in front of a fan trying to get my body temperature down. In the summer I try and offset this a little by turning the shower cold for a few minutes before I step out of it. I let the cold water crash against the top of my head and carom down my limbs to the gutter below. Also physical activity…even as small as doing the washing up or the vacuuming is again enough to have it dripping off my face.

I have a very minor issue with clothes, I'm not a fan of layers and that includes jackets or anything worn over a T-shirt, but that might be linked with my attempts to not overheat. I'll cover sound in a future post.

Never really asleep...never really awake

The first symptom of Asperger Syndrome (AS) that I ever remember having is insomnia. When it was my "bed time" I hated it cos I would never get off to sleep, instead it was like being consigned to jail. I'd be in my bedroom and having to amuse myself but not being able to do anything as my parents would hear and come to my room to remonstrate.

My insomnia really came to the fore when I was involved in a sleep-over with friends. Every single time the friend would just drop right off to sleep but I would remain awake for hours. When you are in someone else's house, what do you do? Nothing. All you can do is just lie awake for hours on end, swimming in unrelenting boredom.

As I got a bit older and stayed over with girls (yes…you can have AS and a girlfriend) at their homes I had all of the same issues. I remember with one girlfriend (I was still an early teen) I had to sleep in her brother's room and I would just be awake for hours and hours. It is bad enough in a normal room, but when your roommate snores (be they male or female) then sleeping becomes almost impossible.

When I'm in bed one of the reasons I can't ever sleep is because my mind just races and races with all these thoughts. Thoughts of what happened that day, thoughts of what I want to do tomorrow, and (the worst) memories of horrors from the past. As a child and young adult I guess I just dealt with it. Not well, but I dealt with it. As an adult I've started to use alcohol as a way of controlling my insomnia. Alcohol is freely available and it is the only thing that I've found works. A few drinks and I'm dropping off the second my head hits the pillow. There are downsides, of course, in a way it is being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can either not sleep much (I usually get to bed around 3 or 4am and absolute exhaustion usually gets me to sleep) or I can have a few drinks and get 6 or 7 hours sleep. The problem with the former is that I am exhausted the next day, the problem with the latter is that I feel like shit the next day. Take your pick.

I've tried the traditional thing of going to the doctor and been given sleeping tablets but they didn't work. I took the recommended dose but nothing. Next night I took double the dose and nothing. Next night I took double the dose washed down with a lot of alcohol and the next day I was incredibly anxious and jittery, and very depressed. So I went back to the doctor and handed the remaining pills over. And that was the end of that experiment.

The other side affect of (ab)using alcohol to control your sleep is that you start to tick some worrying boxes. Do you drink every night? Yes. Do you drink alone? Yes. Do you drink to cope? Yes. I'd always been seeking an answer to my insomnia but now I know I have AS it has brought a small bit of relief. I still don't have a solution, but I can now come to terms with the fact that I will never have a solution. I can now focus my attention on just coping. I now stay up till 3am most nights (unless I'm drinking), sometimes later. In the morning I just deal with it. To be honest I think I cope with being tired after not drinking much better than I cope with feeling like shit after drinking. But again it is another compromise…I can have a better night and worse morning, or a worse night but better morning. I have no option that satisfies me both evening and morning, I have to enjoy one and suffer the other.

The problem with people

People with Asperger Syndrome (AS) have their brains wired up differently from normal people; it's almost as if the social element of it has been turned off. To have a stab at an analogy, do you ever remember learning to breathe? Or have you just always done it? Now image someone for who the breathing instinct has been turned off and they need to learn how to breathe and consciously think about it the whole time. As you're sat there watching TV they are sat thinking "breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out…" In social situations it can be like that for people with AS. In social situations we are exhibiting behaviour that we have learned from experience and observation…behaviour that just comes natural to other people.

Now for another analogy. As mentioned above, social interaction is, for us, an effort. Think of something else that is an effort, such as running on a treadmill. It's easy at the start, then it gets a bit of a chore, then it gets tiresome, then it gets too much and you have to stop. That's what it's like for us at a party or a group gathering. As time wears on we wear out and eventually zone out. This "zoned out" situation is one we refer to as overloading. When everything has gotten too much for us the shutters just come down. All desire to pretend to be social have evaporated. That's when we're sat in the corner at our rudest and quietest. It's not because we're horrible people…it's simply that while you've been enjoying yourself and relaxing, we've been running a damn marathon! Now we're exhausted and just want to be left alone.

It is this need to learn social behaviours that probably leads to a lot of confusion in a young person's life. I remember as a child, when someone would fall over and hurt themselves I couldn't care less, it didn't bother me. But other children would rush to the injured child's aid and I could never understand why. Little did I know that my AS was robbing me of empathy, I didn't care for people in peril as (frankly) the person in peril wasn't me. Seeing other people react in a totally different way from you is confusing and worrying when you're a child. So we do something we end up doing a lot of…we fake it. As a child I learned to fake concern by studying the reactions of others. So when a playmate fell over I would mimic the behaviours I saw in others. I still do it now…when a work mate or friend announces their grand parents have died or some disease has befallen them I screw my face up in concern and mutter "Oh no"s and "that's terrible"s just like everyone else in the room does. The reality is that I don't actually care. I know it sounds a horrible thing to say, but I can't help what my brain makes me consciously feel.

As I grew into a (still undiagnosed) adult my perception of this phenomenon changed and as my vulnerability to peer pressure waned and I began to grow in the confidence of my own skin I started to see people as being fake. As a child all you care about is fitting in, so you learn to mimic. As an adult you don't care about fitting in so much and instead start to question the behaviour you see in others. I would think that as I didn't care about this person, others couldn't either so their displays of affection were something I assumed were fake. That they felt just as I do but chose to demonstrate othewise. As I had to learn social interaction I think I view it in a far more clinical manner; to me it is simple cause and effect. I seem to view people's actions in a far more objective and critical way and tend to form opinions about people from their behaviour that others appear to be blind to. It's the classic "wood for the trees" scenario. Normal, social people seem to me to get enveloped in other's personalities, whereas I stand back and view things in a cold, analytical manner. A side affect of this process is that, of everyone I know, I'm far the quickest to say I don't like someone. It's rare for me to hear anyone say they don't like people, or they'll say things like "Don't get me wrong, I really like Joe, he's a great guy, but sometimes he does things that annoy me." You won't get that from me. I call a spade and a spade and I'll just come out and say "I don't like him" and I'll launch into an intimate character assassination, picking off flaws like shooting fish in a barrel.

That then leads onto another facet of AS (are you beginning to see that it all ties together into a big, complicated structure?) - namely that we tend to see things in black and white. I like you or I don't like you. I think you're right or I think you're wrong. I think you should obey a rule, or not obey it. Appreciating shades of grey is hard for me. Maybe I'll expand on that in a later post.