One thing that is probably a common source of frustration to people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) are the difficulties in dating, finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. It's annoying in two ways...first, we all want someone special in our lives, maybe people with AS more than others as someone with AS' significant other is probably the only person in their life they feel close to. Second, it's annoying that the things that other people seem to find easy to do is impossible for us to do. My own personal philosophy on this is that I am working to recognise my strengths and my weaknesses in this area. I have come to accept that I'll never be the type to go up to a stranger in a bar and start talking to them, or to approach someone in the other common dating hunting grounds. My own strengths tend to be with women that are in my life anyway, the getting to know people as friends first as a segue to something deeper, as that timeframe gives me time to get comfortable (and therefore, "myself") with these people. I also tend to do better with women that communicate with mainly through electronic mediums. It is this system of strengths and weakness that I try and manipulate in my favour. Basically, I have always seem my AS as my problem that I have to deal with.
However, I have been spending time analysing the behaviours of other AS sufferers on dating sites and relationship forums, and it seems that there is another way of looking at things...that your AS is actually everyone else's problem, and that everyone else should make allowances for you, they should "give you a chance" when they wouldn't normally. That people who can't "see past" your awkwardness and deficiencies are somehow shallow or bad people.
It made me think back to when I used to attend a support group and one of the members was a mother whose daughter had AS, and she would go into detail about all the help she is given from the school, the local authorities, universities and so on. I remember thinking at the time, "What about when she gets into the real world and people stop making allowances for her?" I grew up undiagnosed so no-one ever made a single allowance for me in my entire life. I grew up "the hard way". It's great that increased awareness of the condition means children are diagnosed early and get support, but is this frustration in dating the result of all that support?
Schools, the council, the police and so on...they often have legal obligations to make allowances for "disability" (in the UK, autistic orders are classed as disabilities when it comes to legal matters), but private individuals don't. Have these children grown up thinking that all through life everyone will make allowances for them? Now that they are old enough to live outside of the system, they are probably experiencing culture shock...for the first time in their lives, someone is not making allowances. A private individual, be it a friend or a potential partner, is treating them the same way that they would treat anyone else.
I think it demonstrates the balance that has to be maintained. There is nothing wrong with giving children support, but we have to be careful it doesn't become mollycoddling, that we're not wrapping them up in cotton wool. When children are given extra help, we should ensure that it is equally made clear to them that when they grow up and enter society, not everyone is going to make allowances. That private individuals are going to treat them the same way they will treat everyone else. That life is going to be hard, and sometimes unfair, but there is no point in whining about it and blaming everyone else.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Monday, 31 December 2012
Friday, 12 October 2012
Double D Dilemma
When I was away, it took me a while to settle into the town I was living, and find things like a good pub to spend time in, reading a book. I visited most a few times, then settled on a particular one. It wasn't too quiet, or too busy. They had decent music on the jukebox, but it wasn't loud. But most of all, the barmaid was pretty hot lol. Not "classically" beautiful, but she was very pretty, lovely auburn hair, great figure. She didn't work every night, only a few a week but I liked to go when she was there.
I normally only stay for one drink and a read of my book, but one particular day I decided to stay for more. There was a group of "lads" in at the bar and it was all very interesting for me. When the barmaid was at the bar they were all trying to chat her up, but quite disrespectfully. I suppose this is the "cheeky" attitude and confidence that men think women like. When the barmaid was away from the bar, collecting glasses and whatnot, the guys would talk about her amongst themselves, again in quite disrespectful tones. I'm not going to moralise on the way they spoke among themselves, as I'd be a liar if I said that I've never had some below-the-belt banter with friends. But it was obvious they all saw her as some kind of prize...literally. Just a notch on the bedpost, made valuable as she was "hard to get". When she returned they'd be asking her if she was single, asking her out for a drink and so on, all advances batted away in a tone that made her consider them disingenuous.
They didn't stay all night and soon left. Two other guys came in, older guys...late 40s maybe. Already so drunk they could barely walk. Propped at the bar they spoke among themselves. Within about two minutes of the barmaid turning up, one of the drunks tottered forward and in a slur asked her if she was "dating". She replied that she wasn't, he then asked if she'd like to go out for a drink with him. Bearing in mind, she is a beautiful girl in her early 30s and he's a drunken wretch, late 40s, face like a road map (google maps, not Apple maps), in a suit I don't doubt he woke up in. She politely declined and said she wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. "Wha? Pretty girl like you?" he slurred before slinking off the toilet. When he was gone, she explained to his slightly more sober companion that she had been single since starting work at this bar some years ago, that it just put her off men. Having been a fly in a book for the evening I guess I can understand why. Each man was in the bar barely 5 minutes before they were asking her out, all just wanting to fuck the local barmaid. How can you possibly tell who is genuine?
I'm the opposite of these people. Not by choice, but by genetics. It made me think back to a few of my relationships and in a way I wonder if that has actually helped me? The fact that I don't go chasing girls, I don't go asking all and sundry out, draping myself over them and obviously lusting after them. More aloof, I get to know girls and let them get to know me and if things happen then great for me.
I normally only stay for one drink and a read of my book, but one particular day I decided to stay for more. There was a group of "lads" in at the bar and it was all very interesting for me. When the barmaid was at the bar they were all trying to chat her up, but quite disrespectfully. I suppose this is the "cheeky" attitude and confidence that men think women like. When the barmaid was away from the bar, collecting glasses and whatnot, the guys would talk about her amongst themselves, again in quite disrespectful tones. I'm not going to moralise on the way they spoke among themselves, as I'd be a liar if I said that I've never had some below-the-belt banter with friends. But it was obvious they all saw her as some kind of prize...literally. Just a notch on the bedpost, made valuable as she was "hard to get". When she returned they'd be asking her if she was single, asking her out for a drink and so on, all advances batted away in a tone that made her consider them disingenuous.
They didn't stay all night and soon left. Two other guys came in, older guys...late 40s maybe. Already so drunk they could barely walk. Propped at the bar they spoke among themselves. Within about two minutes of the barmaid turning up, one of the drunks tottered forward and in a slur asked her if she was "dating". She replied that she wasn't, he then asked if she'd like to go out for a drink with him. Bearing in mind, she is a beautiful girl in her early 30s and he's a drunken wretch, late 40s, face like a road map (google maps, not Apple maps), in a suit I don't doubt he woke up in. She politely declined and said she wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. "Wha? Pretty girl like you?" he slurred before slinking off the toilet. When he was gone, she explained to his slightly more sober companion that she had been single since starting work at this bar some years ago, that it just put her off men. Having been a fly in a book for the evening I guess I can understand why. Each man was in the bar barely 5 minutes before they were asking her out, all just wanting to fuck the local barmaid. How can you possibly tell who is genuine?
I'm the opposite of these people. Not by choice, but by genetics. It made me think back to a few of my relationships and in a way I wonder if that has actually helped me? The fact that I don't go chasing girls, I don't go asking all and sundry out, draping myself over them and obviously lusting after them. More aloof, I get to know girls and let them get to know me and if things happen then great for me.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Everybody hurts
I know that people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) don't have a monopoly on feeling bad or upset after a break-up, that would be a fairly ridiculous thing to suggest. But I do sometimes wonder if AS affects us in different ways. I wonder if our general inability to handle or express our feelings makes things seem a little worse.
For myself, I get quite strong feelings of persecution. Like everyone is out to twist the knife. I wonder if I'm being too sensitive and maybe taking things people and seeing them in a worse light. I wonder if it is because everything is black or white, and at times likes these everything is just black. Every comment intended to be against me.
Maybe I'm just making excuses, trying to make myself feel better by using my AS as something to blame, when the reality is that this is how everyone feels. Maybe AS doesn't affect my feelings but I do wonder if it affects my actions, the results of how I choose to deal with these feelings.
My sense of persecution just grew and grew and eventually I did some stupid things, said some stupid things and burned a lot of bridges. A lot of them.
For myself, I get quite strong feelings of persecution. Like everyone is out to twist the knife. I wonder if I'm being too sensitive and maybe taking things people and seeing them in a worse light. I wonder if it is because everything is black or white, and at times likes these everything is just black. Every comment intended to be against me.
Maybe I'm just making excuses, trying to make myself feel better by using my AS as something to blame, when the reality is that this is how everyone feels. Maybe AS doesn't affect my feelings but I do wonder if it affects my actions, the results of how I choose to deal with these feelings.
My sense of persecution just grew and grew and eventually I did some stupid things, said some stupid things and burned a lot of bridges. A lot of them.
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Shields recharging
You know when you're playing a game like Halo (or most any similar game that came after it) and you get hit so often that your shields are gone and you have to hide somewhere safe to let them recharge, as any more hits will have serious consequences for you? That's how I'm feeling right now.
Within the not-too-distant past I had reached quite a stable, and fairly high, level of contentment. I had really come to accept a lot of things and I was actually quite happy within myself. I was in as good as place as someone like me could ever be in.
My recent relationship, and subsequent events I don't want to immortalise as I couldn't bare to look, has scattered everything to the winds. I am now in total disarray, questioning everything. I have once again seem a glimpse of how other people live and once again I am cowering in fear and despair. I have taken a step back from a lot of things in my life for now, some quite important things. But I feel I need to hide. I need to wait until those shields recharge. I need to get back in a place when I am once more happy inside myself, with myself, but it is going to be an empty happiness. The happiness of a recluse, shut off from everything.
Within the not-too-distant past I had reached quite a stable, and fairly high, level of contentment. I had really come to accept a lot of things and I was actually quite happy within myself. I was in as good as place as someone like me could ever be in.
My recent relationship, and subsequent events I don't want to immortalise as I couldn't bare to look, has scattered everything to the winds. I am now in total disarray, questioning everything. I have once again seem a glimpse of how other people live and once again I am cowering in fear and despair. I have taken a step back from a lot of things in my life for now, some quite important things. But I feel I need to hide. I need to wait until those shields recharge. I need to get back in a place when I am once more happy inside myself, with myself, but it is going to be an empty happiness. The happiness of a recluse, shut off from everything.
Monday, 1 August 2011
Will the truth set us free?
I engineered a game of pool with a friend so that I could discuss my recent relationship issues. I value his input as he's not the sort to just tell me what I want to hear, he'll tell me what he really thinks. He is my link to the normal world, the normal way of thinking. He lets me know when my thinking is just out of kilter with everyone else.
Maybe the most telling moment was when he stopped me mid-flow over something in particular, and injected; "AS4L...you're using your logic again, not everything is black and white." People seem to be telling me that with increasing frequency throughout my life.
I suspected he wouldn't be "on my side" over everything, but sometimes I was left a bit surprised...things that I thought I was definitely in the right about, or thought my thinking was sound on, he was keen to correct me.
Ah well. It was enlightening in some ways, depressing in some ways too. I always say that making mistakes is ok as long as you learn from them, but I'm not sure if these things are things I can work on and look to maybe act differently with in the future. Only time will tell.
Maybe the most telling moment was when he stopped me mid-flow over something in particular, and injected; "AS4L...you're using your logic again, not everything is black and white." People seem to be telling me that with increasing frequency throughout my life.
I suspected he wouldn't be "on my side" over everything, but sometimes I was left a bit surprised...things that I thought I was definitely in the right about, or thought my thinking was sound on, he was keen to correct me.
Ah well. It was enlightening in some ways, depressing in some ways too. I always say that making mistakes is ok as long as you learn from them, but I'm not sure if these things are things I can work on and look to maybe act differently with in the future. Only time will tell.
Sunday, 24 July 2011
The bottom of the spiral
Long time, no blog. The last few weeks of my life have been a bit of a train wreck. I haven't gone to the gym for three weeks, haven't been sober one night in the last two weeks. I'm not sure I can sink any further so it's time to think about getting back on track.
The girl I talked about in a previous blog...yeah we kind of got back together. I'm weak, sue me. Only things have come to an end again, and once more I am feeling completely unlovable and that I should just resign myself to being alone forever. Going out with her made me feel even more isolated than I felt before, but I've felt that before, only not as strongly.
Even though I know she is no good for me, I am still having problems dealing with it. It's like I'll put up with anything just to not be alone and that's a terrible thing to admit...but I suppose it's true. On a similar theme, it seems I just can't formally criticise someone or point out their faults even when they point out mine. It's almost as if I'll accept being walked all over rather than risk the chance of burning bridges. I'll also back to some other familiar ground, of wondering how much of this is "my fault" and how much "her fault".
The girl I talked about in a previous blog...yeah we kind of got back together. I'm weak, sue me. Only things have come to an end again, and once more I am feeling completely unlovable and that I should just resign myself to being alone forever. Going out with her made me feel even more isolated than I felt before, but I've felt that before, only not as strongly.
Even though I know she is no good for me, I am still having problems dealing with it. It's like I'll put up with anything just to not be alone and that's a terrible thing to admit...but I suppose it's true. On a similar theme, it seems I just can't formally criticise someone or point out their faults even when they point out mine. It's almost as if I'll accept being walked all over rather than risk the chance of burning bridges. I'll also back to some other familiar ground, of wondering how much of this is "my fault" and how much "her fault".
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Nothing to fear
I called it off with that girl I was seeing, so I am once more single and once more not getting any younger.
I think this is the first time I've ever really called off a relationship. I know I had only been seeing her about 4 months, but what is significant is that I didn't let the fear of being alone stop me. I looked at the relationship with honest eyes, and asked myself questions like "Are you happy?" "Does this person behave in a way you can tolerate?" I didn't go as far as making a "pro" and "con" list like they do on TV, but I weighed things up nonetheless and came to my decision.
Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Do I feel bad? Yes? Lonely? Yes. Do I have regrets? Sometimes...yes. Does part of me still wish I was in a relationship? Yes. Do I see hard times ahead? Yes. Do I think that maybe this was my last chance at having a relationship? Yes. Am I scared I will now be single forever? Yes. Am I happy now? No. Time heals all wounds though...and the most important thing in all of this is that for the first time I didn't let fear control me.
So where did this strength come from? I think it came from the fact that I am now finally comfortable with myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. And that has all come from my diagnosis.
I think this is the first time I've ever really called off a relationship. I know I had only been seeing her about 4 months, but what is significant is that I didn't let the fear of being alone stop me. I looked at the relationship with honest eyes, and asked myself questions like "Are you happy?" "Does this person behave in a way you can tolerate?" I didn't go as far as making a "pro" and "con" list like they do on TV, but I weighed things up nonetheless and came to my decision.
Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Do I feel bad? Yes? Lonely? Yes. Do I have regrets? Sometimes...yes. Does part of me still wish I was in a relationship? Yes. Do I see hard times ahead? Yes. Do I think that maybe this was my last chance at having a relationship? Yes. Am I scared I will now be single forever? Yes. Am I happy now? No. Time heals all wounds though...and the most important thing in all of this is that for the first time I didn't let fear control me.
So where did this strength come from? I think it came from the fact that I am now finally comfortable with myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. And that has all come from my diagnosis.
Monday, 28 February 2011
Twirling round with this familiar parabol
Everything is different now. I'm sort of seeing someone, kind of. It's early days and I'd long forgotten what these early stages are like. I'm suffering a lot from anxiety and worry. It's like I've turned into a needy child, craving reassurance like mother's milk. If hours go by without me hearing from her I start to wonder if she is going off me. She doesn't help in herself, as she isn't always the regular contact type person. When she does contact me it is always positive and seems to lift my anxiety, but that anxiety gradually returns.
It's not just my separation anxiety, but spending time with someone normal, bring around them and listening to them talk - it all reminds me of my inadequacies. My insular, lonely little life filled with unfulfilment. It's akin to learning to like yourself and then someone holding up a mirror, reminding you just how ugly you actually are. One step forward, two steps back.
I was drinking at the weekend too and I'm shocked at the effect it is having on my mental health. My anxiety today was through the roof. Off the chart. Depression too, thoughts of worthlessness and despair. Wondering just what the fucking point is. I don't know if it is affecting me this badly because I don't drink for long periods of time, or if I'm just changing as a person, rotting away.
I'm considering going to the doctor to see if I can get some kind of anti-anxiety medication.
It's not just my separation anxiety, but spending time with someone normal, bring around them and listening to them talk - it all reminds me of my inadequacies. My insular, lonely little life filled with unfulfilment. It's akin to learning to like yourself and then someone holding up a mirror, reminding you just how ugly you actually are. One step forward, two steps back.
I was drinking at the weekend too and I'm shocked at the effect it is having on my mental health. My anxiety today was through the roof. Off the chart. Depression too, thoughts of worthlessness and despair. Wondering just what the fucking point is. I don't know if it is affecting me this badly because I don't drink for long periods of time, or if I'm just changing as a person, rotting away.
I'm considering going to the doctor to see if I can get some kind of anti-anxiety medication.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Velocity
It's that time of year again; it's not only coming but accelerating. In January I jumped off a very tall building and have been telling myself "so far so good, so far so good" but now the ground is in sight and it's coming up fast. I'm going to hit it hard.
There is an acquaintance I usually spend some of Christmas day with, or at least have lunch and maybe a drink with, it helps the day go by, helps me feel normal. I am standing still, though, and like everyone else he is moving and is now married and living with his wife and they are going away for Christmas this year. So for the first time in maybe 10 odd years I'll literally be on my own for Christmas. The longest day of the year.
I'm in training for it already, I'm regularly attending the gym and regularly not drinking. I'm back on the wagon so that the inevitable fall isn’t so bad. This year I firmly intend the entire day to drown in an alcoholic daze.
Although I suspect it's not just going to be Christmas itself that is the problem. I've kinda got involved-ish with a girl and I won't go into details but needless to say it's my usual modus operandi. It's another long-distance thing, another girl I've managed to woo with words. I've been to visit to her and mustered all of my efforts to fraudulently appear as normal as I can. To be honest I don't find it that hard to maintain normality for an evening with people I like and haven’t seen for a long time (I had a list of things to talk about pre-prepared on my phone's "To do" list that I referred to through the night so that I'd have something for when she stopped driving the conversation - there's a little tip for you).
For a week after meeting her I was in a pretty bad hole. Depression featuring heavily through my days and drinking through my nights. I felt like I was grieving for something but I don't know what. Meeting her made me feel normal I guess. Even if for just one night, and it was crushing me that I couldn't have that normality forever. In a way it was like I was playing a cruel joke on myself. A horrible bait and switch.
I've arranged to meet her again just before Christmas so I'll see if I can muster this sense of normality again or be faced with the fact that it was a fluke. I'll also see if I fall down a hole again afterward. I know it will be harder this time around, not only because my "To do" list was almost exhausted, but because I plan on telling her we can't really meet again. There are lots of reasons, not all of which I'll tell her...the main one is that there are reasons that will make any relationship between us too hard for both of us (she knows these reasons but it's something I can't really go into here, nothing related to my Aspergers). There is also the distance element. Plus the fact that I know she hasn't really seen the real me, and I think maybe I can quit while I'm ahead.
I also had to cancel my work's Christmas party to go and see her so that's that decided too. I just hope the meeting doesn't fall through due to the bad weather we're having at the moment.
I was telling a work colleague about this girl, the same one that gave me the previous ill-fated advice over my love life. He was frustrated about my negativity concerning this relationship, but he doesn't really understand. He asked me how old I was, and I told him. He asked me what I was doing, but I didn't understand so asked him to elaborate. "What are you doing with your life? You should be married with kids by now." No. He just doesn't understand.
There is an acquaintance I usually spend some of Christmas day with, or at least have lunch and maybe a drink with, it helps the day go by, helps me feel normal. I am standing still, though, and like everyone else he is moving and is now married and living with his wife and they are going away for Christmas this year. So for the first time in maybe 10 odd years I'll literally be on my own for Christmas. The longest day of the year.
I'm in training for it already, I'm regularly attending the gym and regularly not drinking. I'm back on the wagon so that the inevitable fall isn’t so bad. This year I firmly intend the entire day to drown in an alcoholic daze.
Although I suspect it's not just going to be Christmas itself that is the problem. I've kinda got involved-ish with a girl and I won't go into details but needless to say it's my usual modus operandi. It's another long-distance thing, another girl I've managed to woo with words. I've been to visit to her and mustered all of my efforts to fraudulently appear as normal as I can. To be honest I don't find it that hard to maintain normality for an evening with people I like and haven’t seen for a long time (I had a list of things to talk about pre-prepared on my phone's "To do" list that I referred to through the night so that I'd have something for when she stopped driving the conversation - there's a little tip for you).
For a week after meeting her I was in a pretty bad hole. Depression featuring heavily through my days and drinking through my nights. I felt like I was grieving for something but I don't know what. Meeting her made me feel normal I guess. Even if for just one night, and it was crushing me that I couldn't have that normality forever. In a way it was like I was playing a cruel joke on myself. A horrible bait and switch.
I've arranged to meet her again just before Christmas so I'll see if I can muster this sense of normality again or be faced with the fact that it was a fluke. I'll also see if I fall down a hole again afterward. I know it will be harder this time around, not only because my "To do" list was almost exhausted, but because I plan on telling her we can't really meet again. There are lots of reasons, not all of which I'll tell her...the main one is that there are reasons that will make any relationship between us too hard for both of us (she knows these reasons but it's something I can't really go into here, nothing related to my Aspergers). There is also the distance element. Plus the fact that I know she hasn't really seen the real me, and I think maybe I can quit while I'm ahead.
I also had to cancel my work's Christmas party to go and see her so that's that decided too. I just hope the meeting doesn't fall through due to the bad weather we're having at the moment.
I was telling a work colleague about this girl, the same one that gave me the previous ill-fated advice over my love life. He was frustrated about my negativity concerning this relationship, but he doesn't really understand. He asked me how old I was, and I told him. He asked me what I was doing, but I didn't understand so asked him to elaborate. "What are you doing with your life? You should be married with kids by now." No. He just doesn't understand.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Pinocchio pt II
She sent me an e-mail today (coward :) ) apologising for her reaction, explaining that I had taken her by surprise. She said it was lovely that I asked but she already had a boyfriend. Schoolboy error! I have to admit I did think about talking with her close work colleague as a preliminary. I considered ensuring through that colleague that she was actually single, but I decided against it as it smacks of schoolchildren asking friends if their friend would go out with them. I'm still glad I didn't and chose to take the action I took as I got valuable life experience from it and I'm a firm believer that you learn from your mistakes and that you get better at things the more you do them. There is bound to be some awkwardness going forward but nothing insurmountable. We were both in a meeting today for example, and we've been e-mailing each other on a professional basis too so things are already back to the way they were before.
So on the surface it's like it never even happened, but underneath there ebbs and swells a hidden secret....tide or undertow, only time will tell.
So on the surface it's like it never even happened, but underneath there ebbs and swells a hidden secret....tide or undertow, only time will tell.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Pinocchio
Sometimes the best place to start is the beginning. There's a girl at my work that I kind of like and I think she might like me, it's hard to tell. I deal with her through my job occasionally but not a whole lot. There is someone else at work that I used to work with in a previous job and he is sometimes my port in the storm and we play pool together a fair bit. Pool's a great activity as it fills the time but you can spend most of it in silence as the activity fills the space, and you just talk a little here and there. In one of these spaces between shots I confessed to him the situation I found myself in. "Oh she definitely likes you" he said. He would though, that's his job. It's what people do. I asked how he knew and he says he can see it in her face when she comes over to deal with me. It was one of those odd moments where I'm reminded that other people see things that I don't. But it also got me wondering if he was telling the truth or if he was just doing his job of dutiful companion, egging me on and boosting my confidence.
I've been sitting on the situation for a while and it's not going away. In fact it is occupying more and more of my thoughts. My concerns are many-fold. For a start I'm kind of happy in my life right now, mainly. Do I need change? Am I ready to be in another relationship? I am also worried that I don't really want to be in a relationship with this person, I just want to know that someone likes me. Also do I really want to get involved with someone I work with? If it goes wrong I don't think I'm robust enough to be around someone I've been in a past relationship with. I mentioned this concern to my colleague who told me it was no way to think. I'm also minded that I never get a chance to meet women apart from at work. My colleague was of the opinion that I should "go for it" but he would say that, it's his job.
I sat on the situation some more and it got to the stage where it simply had to stop. I had to do something to end how I was feeling. I was anxious a lot of the time so finally resolved to take steps. I was finding that confiding in my colleague was making things easier for me so made my plans known to him. I had made my mind up that I was going to try and push things onto "the next step".
But how? I'm never really alone with her, so over a game of pool I asked my colleague what he thought about asking her over an e-mail. He laughed solidly for about 3 minutes. When he had regained his composure he said, with a grin, "You can't do that" then continued to laugh again. The saddest part is that I'd already written the e-mail out, it was sat in my "Drafts" for want of a "Send". It was full of my literary style, my humour, rhythm and flow, my way of phrasing things. It was dynamite. The only women I have ever managed to seduce have always been through the written word. Is that bad? It's who I am after all. I know real men don't do those things; real men hitch their belts, grab their crotch and ask girls out on dates. Was it so bad that I didn't want to do that? It got me thinking...here was a rare chance of me doing something that normal people do. Asking a girl out...in the flesh. But I know I'd be rubbish at it, and the as-yet-unsent email was solid gold. What was more important to me? To pretend to be normal for 5 minutes even though I'm not normal, or to just be me? Half of me was excited and half felt like a traitor.
My plans were delayed slightly when she was off ill, but when she was back at work I knew I had to do this, I had to bring this thing to a conclusion one way or the other. While calm on the outside my insides were raging. My mind was racing, my heart was thumping, the adrenalin was surging. My stomach was in knots and at points felt like it was entangled in my throat. I did some dry runs, I paced the corridors, in my head I envisioned how it might all happen, and I realised something...the crashing fear was never going to go. The pure and utter dread was never going to end. This must be what it is like doing a bungee jump or a sky-dive. Standing on the precipice gripped by utter fear and nothing you can say to yourself will calm or sooth you. Nothing is going to take away the fear. In those situations you can either back down, or do it with the fear. You either take a step back from the edge and retreat, or you grab the fear with both hands, bear hug it and take it with you. I knew I couldn't back down, I knew this had to end...I knew I had to do this despite the fear. I had to do it fear and all.
I approached her desk "Can I have a word?" It was nothing out of the ordinary and she thought nothing of it, as I said we do occasionally deal with each other. She stood to follow me and I pointed to the hallway and as I opened the office door and stepped out I heard her side to a colleague "...it's an outside word?" I was petrified. I had stepped off the precipice and now I was free-falling. Inertia gone, momentum carrying me on a journey that I now could not stop even if I wanted to. The pavement was coming up fast. I was praying the corridor would be empty and for once my prayer was answered.
Sometimes the best way to say something is to just come out and say it. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come out for a drink some time?" I think that's what I said. To be honest my memory of the whole experience is somewhat vague. "What?" In a previous failed attempt to steady my nerves I had gone over the various ways I thought this conversation could go, but "What?" wasn't one of them. "You know...a drink..." "What? Sorry?" Words were failing me now so a "how about it" shrug had to suffice. "Sorry, I didn't quite get you for a while there, I'm still recovering from being unwell" was her response. At that point the Earth opened up ready to swallow me whole. Well...not Earth exactly but the elevator that I had the foresight to summon when we first entered the corridor. "Are you going out?" she said, spying my escape route. "To the shop across the road" I said. "Ok...we'll talk about this later" were her parting words as the cold metal doors slid between us and took me down to Hell.
At lunch I relayed the debacle to my colleague over pool who was upbeat about it and keen to point out the positives. But he had to...that's his job. He said that she was probably just a little shocked and didn't know how to react right away. She was too shocked to say "yes" but not shocked enough to enunciate "We'll talk about this later"? My colleague paused, then said that maybe today wasn't the best day to ask. He said that she had just come back to work from not feeling well and you could tell she was still down and not feeling herself. I asked him to elaborate and he explained that she wasn't wearing any make-up so probably wasn't feeling that great about herself so wanted to go and talk it over with her friends first. Who spots these things? Who realises that a woman isn't wearing make-up? Again I'm half wondering if this is my lack of social observation or him just trying to make me feel better.
I may be a social retard but I've learned enough through the years to know that "We'll talk about this later" is just a polite way of saying "No." The thing is though...at least now it's over. Now it's done with. Now I can get on with things and I'm feeling quite relieved. I don't think we'll ever have the "later" talk, she'll probably never speak to me again. If my colleague was maybe encouraging me a little too much I'm not overly concerned. Because I did it. I actually did it. Maybe I chose the wrong day, wrong time, wrong location and the wrong method...maybe I was a bit full on...but I took a girl to one side and asked if she would like to go for a drink. I completely exposed myself and made myself vulnerable. I made my intentions perfectly clear, I put myself out there and I said "here I am, this is how I feel now take me or leave me." I did it...I'm a real boy now.
I've been sitting on the situation for a while and it's not going away. In fact it is occupying more and more of my thoughts. My concerns are many-fold. For a start I'm kind of happy in my life right now, mainly. Do I need change? Am I ready to be in another relationship? I am also worried that I don't really want to be in a relationship with this person, I just want to know that someone likes me. Also do I really want to get involved with someone I work with? If it goes wrong I don't think I'm robust enough to be around someone I've been in a past relationship with. I mentioned this concern to my colleague who told me it was no way to think. I'm also minded that I never get a chance to meet women apart from at work. My colleague was of the opinion that I should "go for it" but he would say that, it's his job.
I sat on the situation some more and it got to the stage where it simply had to stop. I had to do something to end how I was feeling. I was anxious a lot of the time so finally resolved to take steps. I was finding that confiding in my colleague was making things easier for me so made my plans known to him. I had made my mind up that I was going to try and push things onto "the next step".
But how? I'm never really alone with her, so over a game of pool I asked my colleague what he thought about asking her over an e-mail. He laughed solidly for about 3 minutes. When he had regained his composure he said, with a grin, "You can't do that" then continued to laugh again. The saddest part is that I'd already written the e-mail out, it was sat in my "Drafts" for want of a "Send". It was full of my literary style, my humour, rhythm and flow, my way of phrasing things. It was dynamite. The only women I have ever managed to seduce have always been through the written word. Is that bad? It's who I am after all. I know real men don't do those things; real men hitch their belts, grab their crotch and ask girls out on dates. Was it so bad that I didn't want to do that? It got me thinking...here was a rare chance of me doing something that normal people do. Asking a girl out...in the flesh. But I know I'd be rubbish at it, and the as-yet-unsent email was solid gold. What was more important to me? To pretend to be normal for 5 minutes even though I'm not normal, or to just be me? Half of me was excited and half felt like a traitor.
My plans were delayed slightly when she was off ill, but when she was back at work I knew I had to do this, I had to bring this thing to a conclusion one way or the other. While calm on the outside my insides were raging. My mind was racing, my heart was thumping, the adrenalin was surging. My stomach was in knots and at points felt like it was entangled in my throat. I did some dry runs, I paced the corridors, in my head I envisioned how it might all happen, and I realised something...the crashing fear was never going to go. The pure and utter dread was never going to end. This must be what it is like doing a bungee jump or a sky-dive. Standing on the precipice gripped by utter fear and nothing you can say to yourself will calm or sooth you. Nothing is going to take away the fear. In those situations you can either back down, or do it with the fear. You either take a step back from the edge and retreat, or you grab the fear with both hands, bear hug it and take it with you. I knew I couldn't back down, I knew this had to end...I knew I had to do this despite the fear. I had to do it fear and all.
I approached her desk "Can I have a word?" It was nothing out of the ordinary and she thought nothing of it, as I said we do occasionally deal with each other. She stood to follow me and I pointed to the hallway and as I opened the office door and stepped out I heard her side to a colleague "...it's an outside word?" I was petrified. I had stepped off the precipice and now I was free-falling. Inertia gone, momentum carrying me on a journey that I now could not stop even if I wanted to. The pavement was coming up fast. I was praying the corridor would be empty and for once my prayer was answered.
Sometimes the best way to say something is to just come out and say it. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come out for a drink some time?" I think that's what I said. To be honest my memory of the whole experience is somewhat vague. "What?" In a previous failed attempt to steady my nerves I had gone over the various ways I thought this conversation could go, but "What?" wasn't one of them. "You know...a drink..." "What? Sorry?" Words were failing me now so a "how about it" shrug had to suffice. "Sorry, I didn't quite get you for a while there, I'm still recovering from being unwell" was her response. At that point the Earth opened up ready to swallow me whole. Well...not Earth exactly but the elevator that I had the foresight to summon when we first entered the corridor. "Are you going out?" she said, spying my escape route. "To the shop across the road" I said. "Ok...we'll talk about this later" were her parting words as the cold metal doors slid between us and took me down to Hell.
At lunch I relayed the debacle to my colleague over pool who was upbeat about it and keen to point out the positives. But he had to...that's his job. He said that she was probably just a little shocked and didn't know how to react right away. She was too shocked to say "yes" but not shocked enough to enunciate "We'll talk about this later"? My colleague paused, then said that maybe today wasn't the best day to ask. He said that she had just come back to work from not feeling well and you could tell she was still down and not feeling herself. I asked him to elaborate and he explained that she wasn't wearing any make-up so probably wasn't feeling that great about herself so wanted to go and talk it over with her friends first. Who spots these things? Who realises that a woman isn't wearing make-up? Again I'm half wondering if this is my lack of social observation or him just trying to make me feel better.
I may be a social retard but I've learned enough through the years to know that "We'll talk about this later" is just a polite way of saying "No." The thing is though...at least now it's over. Now it's done with. Now I can get on with things and I'm feeling quite relieved. I don't think we'll ever have the "later" talk, she'll probably never speak to me again. If my colleague was maybe encouraging me a little too much I'm not overly concerned. Because I did it. I actually did it. Maybe I chose the wrong day, wrong time, wrong location and the wrong method...maybe I was a bit full on...but I took a girl to one side and asked if she would like to go for a drink. I completely exposed myself and made myself vulnerable. I made my intentions perfectly clear, I put myself out there and I said "here I am, this is how I feel now take me or leave me." I did it...I'm a real boy now.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
How to get what you want
There is a series of TV programs running in the UK at the moment that is pseudo-science titillation dressed up as informational programming. It is called "How to get what you want" and features a team of people who can show you tips and tricks on how to be successful. Each show covers a different topic and not being very well equipped for life I thought it was the kind of thing that someone with Asperger's Syndrome should watch.
I recently caught the one on how to be successful with the opposite sex. Something I certainly need help with. The panel consisted of (and I quote) "a brain scientist" as well as your usual "relationship expert" and an expert on body language. The show comprised of information about how people's minds work and what behaviours they exhibit that they might not be aware of. They also ran a series of experiments to demonstrate various hypothesis.
What it didn't really do was tell you how to get what you want. It showed how people flirt what why they flirt and there was some explanation of what men look for in women and what women look for in men. The experiments involved a group of young, attractive 20-somethings in bar scenarios. However none of these people were being told what to do...everything they did was natural behaviour. So if we do these things naturally…what exactly is this show all about? I am guessing it is implying that if you're not successful with the opposite sex that maybe you are not doing these things so you should start doing them. In other words, be fake.
Other things that were revealed were how men concentrate on physical appearance when they first see a girl, but girls tend to draw conclusions about a man's personality from how he appears. They also demonstrated that first impressions can actually be changed so it is possible to turn someone around with conversation.
Regarding what a man wants, they want someone who looks young and healthy. So tips for women were to wear flattering clothes and make-up to enhance good features and cover bad ones. Wow, really? I'm sure that was a revelation for many. Regarding what a woman wants, they want a man to be masculine, broad-shouldered and have the appearance of someone who can protect and provide and is healthy. When it came to tips for men they fell short of saying you should hit the gym, they simply said that if your strengths are health, or youth you should show them. If you have wealth you should show that too.
Now my problem here is that I despise outward displays of personal attributes. I can't stand seeing guys in tight tops and vests showing off muscles. I can't stand people with flash jewellery and designer clothes. I think it is vulgar and shallow to behave that way. So is that why I'm not too successful with the ladies? Should I be spending my money on Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, an Armani suit and a Rolex watch? Yet again an advice show is telling me to attract women I'd have a better chance if I pretended I was someone I'm not. Is this how normal people behave?
Then in a display of serendipity I was watching another show where I gleam psychological knowledge of the workings of the woman's inner mind. It's called Take Me Out and comprises a line of about 30 girls each with a light to demonstrate they are still interested in the current male contestant. As each guy is introduced they have to endure a few rounds that include their introduction, a display of talent, sometimes their own VT or that from their family or friends. With each round the women turn off their lights if they are not interested. At the end if the guy still has girls with lights still on they can choose one to go on a date with.
On an episode I saw today a guy came out in his twenties I guess, not ugly but not the most attractive person on the planet either. He was dressed the way most contestants are, in jeans and a clean white cotton shirt. His hair was styled the same way most contestants have their hair styled. He was your common or garden guy…looks the same as every other guy. After the introduction a few girls turned their lights off. For the second round his "trick" or "talent" was simply to reveal that he was worth £10m. From that point on only two girls maybe turned their light off and similarly in subsequent rounds almost no-one turned their light off. Also from that point all he did was talk about money or his yacht or his lifestyle and how he has a lot of gold-diggers, how he wants to avoid gold-diggers blah blah blah. If you want to avoid gold-diggers why not just not tell people about your money?
Long story short, by the end of his rounds he had more lights still on than any other contestant I've ever seen. Yet if you asked women I'm sure they'd express utter revulsion at the idea that they'd date a man because he was rich. Yet here it was…spelled out in black and white. No matter what women say about how they're not shallow, and how money doesn't matter, here they were throwing themselves at a man who has done nothing but reveal he was rich.
I wonder if the Rolex shop is still open.
I recently caught the one on how to be successful with the opposite sex. Something I certainly need help with. The panel consisted of (and I quote) "a brain scientist" as well as your usual "relationship expert" and an expert on body language. The show comprised of information about how people's minds work and what behaviours they exhibit that they might not be aware of. They also ran a series of experiments to demonstrate various hypothesis.
What it didn't really do was tell you how to get what you want. It showed how people flirt what why they flirt and there was some explanation of what men look for in women and what women look for in men. The experiments involved a group of young, attractive 20-somethings in bar scenarios. However none of these people were being told what to do...everything they did was natural behaviour. So if we do these things naturally…what exactly is this show all about? I am guessing it is implying that if you're not successful with the opposite sex that maybe you are not doing these things so you should start doing them. In other words, be fake.
Other things that were revealed were how men concentrate on physical appearance when they first see a girl, but girls tend to draw conclusions about a man's personality from how he appears. They also demonstrated that first impressions can actually be changed so it is possible to turn someone around with conversation.
Regarding what a man wants, they want someone who looks young and healthy. So tips for women were to wear flattering clothes and make-up to enhance good features and cover bad ones. Wow, really? I'm sure that was a revelation for many. Regarding what a woman wants, they want a man to be masculine, broad-shouldered and have the appearance of someone who can protect and provide and is healthy. When it came to tips for men they fell short of saying you should hit the gym, they simply said that if your strengths are health, or youth you should show them. If you have wealth you should show that too.
Now my problem here is that I despise outward displays of personal attributes. I can't stand seeing guys in tight tops and vests showing off muscles. I can't stand people with flash jewellery and designer clothes. I think it is vulgar and shallow to behave that way. So is that why I'm not too successful with the ladies? Should I be spending my money on Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, an Armani suit and a Rolex watch? Yet again an advice show is telling me to attract women I'd have a better chance if I pretended I was someone I'm not. Is this how normal people behave?
Then in a display of serendipity I was watching another show where I gleam psychological knowledge of the workings of the woman's inner mind. It's called Take Me Out and comprises a line of about 30 girls each with a light to demonstrate they are still interested in the current male contestant. As each guy is introduced they have to endure a few rounds that include their introduction, a display of talent, sometimes their own VT or that from their family or friends. With each round the women turn off their lights if they are not interested. At the end if the guy still has girls with lights still on they can choose one to go on a date with.
On an episode I saw today a guy came out in his twenties I guess, not ugly but not the most attractive person on the planet either. He was dressed the way most contestants are, in jeans and a clean white cotton shirt. His hair was styled the same way most contestants have their hair styled. He was your common or garden guy…looks the same as every other guy. After the introduction a few girls turned their lights off. For the second round his "trick" or "talent" was simply to reveal that he was worth £10m. From that point on only two girls maybe turned their light off and similarly in subsequent rounds almost no-one turned their light off. Also from that point all he did was talk about money or his yacht or his lifestyle and how he has a lot of gold-diggers, how he wants to avoid gold-diggers blah blah blah. If you want to avoid gold-diggers why not just not tell people about your money?
Long story short, by the end of his rounds he had more lights still on than any other contestant I've ever seen. Yet if you asked women I'm sure they'd express utter revulsion at the idea that they'd date a man because he was rich. Yet here it was…spelled out in black and white. No matter what women say about how they're not shallow, and how money doesn't matter, here they were throwing themselves at a man who has done nothing but reveal he was rich.
I wonder if the Rolex shop is still open.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Damn you, cruel fate!
There's a terrible twist to having Asperger's Syndrome that leads me to believe it was either designed by the devil, or I have been a very bad person in a former life. It goes without saying that I'm not the best face-to-face communicator which makes it all the harder for starting relationships. I can only really meet women in quite controlled circumstances… pubs and clubs are out of the question, as are overly noisy places or places where there are lots of distractions. Hopefully also a place the same woman habituates to allow me to gradually get to know her and work what little charms I have. Now let's throw into the mix the fact that all of my pastimes are either solitary or male-dominated, and it'd be easier finding a bacon sandwich in a mosque than a suitable partner.
My quiver is not entirely devoid of arrows though. Via a focused and controllable medium like e-mail where it is just me, the canvas, and time, I can be quite eloquent. When the social barrier that stops me taking part in the world is not a factor I can let my real self come out, I can express myself and engage with people. I imagine that the way I communicate through e-mail is the way normal people communicate face to face. These keys…these fingers…this is my face.
So at a certain level I am able to stir interest in a member of the opposite sex…but why do we e-mail people in the first place? Because we have no physical access to them, usually because they live far away. And that's the sand in the Vaseline. The one social skill I do have rendered completely useless.
My quiver is not entirely devoid of arrows though. Via a focused and controllable medium like e-mail where it is just me, the canvas, and time, I can be quite eloquent. When the social barrier that stops me taking part in the world is not a factor I can let my real self come out, I can express myself and engage with people. I imagine that the way I communicate through e-mail is the way normal people communicate face to face. These keys…these fingers…this is my face.
So at a certain level I am able to stir interest in a member of the opposite sex…but why do we e-mail people in the first place? Because we have no physical access to them, usually because they live far away. And that's the sand in the Vaseline. The one social skill I do have rendered completely useless.
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Transmogrification
It's dawning on me that my concept of friendship isn't quite what I thought it was. I think I've been under the influence of friendship-by-proximity. I've changed jobs a few times and I know the drill…everyone says they want to keep in touch but you all drift apart anyway. Lots of people I know are still friends with people from old jobs so I know it's just me…or more accurately people with Asperger's Syndrome.
I've always liked the people I worked with in my previous job and liked spending time with them. Or so I thought. Now that I've changed jobs and don't have to spend time with them and will only have to go to things I'm invited to…I have a strange feeling coming over me. Almost like a weight off my shoulder. Not a big weight, not a boulder…more like a few handfuls of sand. I'm subconsciously coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever see any of them ever again and it's actually a strange relief of sorts.
So does part of my brain force me to believe I am friends with these people because I have to be? Because I work with them? Or do I do my best to be friends but I don't recognise the mental effort it takes, so now I don't have to be friends with them I can avoid having to make that effort? Sure I lose the friends, but my life is easier.
The other aspect to this is one of paranoia I guess. Not being able to read people's motives or genuine feelings very well I don't know if they also are only friends-by-proximity too. Do they only pretend to be friends with me because they have to? Because they work with me? I don't know to be honest, and I'm not sure I want to contact these people to say "hey you want to go for a drink tonight?" only to be met with ums and ahs and excuses.
I just feel like as the days drift on I'm getting more and more used to the fact that that part of my life is now over and I'll probably never return to it. And not only that, but for the rest of my life I might never really find a genuine, stay-with-me friend. For many reasons - not just because I find it hard to know what is involved in maintaining a friendship, but now I also realise I have a fear of committing myself to something that is not reciprocated. A fear that as I don't know who is a genuine friend I could end up feeling humiliated.
I've always liked the people I worked with in my previous job and liked spending time with them. Or so I thought. Now that I've changed jobs and don't have to spend time with them and will only have to go to things I'm invited to…I have a strange feeling coming over me. Almost like a weight off my shoulder. Not a big weight, not a boulder…more like a few handfuls of sand. I'm subconsciously coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever see any of them ever again and it's actually a strange relief of sorts.
So does part of my brain force me to believe I am friends with these people because I have to be? Because I work with them? Or do I do my best to be friends but I don't recognise the mental effort it takes, so now I don't have to be friends with them I can avoid having to make that effort? Sure I lose the friends, but my life is easier.
The other aspect to this is one of paranoia I guess. Not being able to read people's motives or genuine feelings very well I don't know if they also are only friends-by-proximity too. Do they only pretend to be friends with me because they have to? Because they work with me? I don't know to be honest, and I'm not sure I want to contact these people to say "hey you want to go for a drink tonight?" only to be met with ums and ahs and excuses.
I just feel like as the days drift on I'm getting more and more used to the fact that that part of my life is now over and I'll probably never return to it. And not only that, but for the rest of my life I might never really find a genuine, stay-with-me friend. For many reasons - not just because I find it hard to know what is involved in maintaining a friendship, but now I also realise I have a fear of committing myself to something that is not reciprocated. A fear that as I don't know who is a genuine friend I could end up feeling humiliated.
Friday, 14 August 2009
Moving down
All routine has gone. Every day is now different in some way. Recently I've been really good and I've been using positivity to stitch my routine together. Monday to Friday is drink free and at the gym. A few drinks at the weekend and then my usual weekend routine. Sober on Sunday ready for Monday. Cleaning, tidying up, shopping, cooking…it all fell into place.
Now I've realised that I wasn't using positivity to stitch my routine together. The positivity came from my routine. My routine harboured and fostered it, teased it to grow and flourish. Now I don't know what the days will bring. Interrogation from co-workers? From my boss about why I'm leaving? Being asked to interview my replacements at the last second? That's for starters…imagine all the new thoughts going on in my head?
Nothing is the same now and I'm yearning to get back to stability but now that routine has rent my positivity asunder I have no motivation for work, I'm not going to the gym, I'm drinking all the time. I know this is just a temporary blip, but I still don't like it.
Anyway.
I successfully negotiated almost two weeks off at the end of my current job with my boss. Now that he has my replacement in the bag I think he's feeling more relaxed about me leaving. Again I'm planning on what to do with my time off, and again I really would like to spend some time touring the country. Maybe spending a few days making my way back to my town of birth. See my parents along the way. Maybe catch up with some other people along the way. Maybe catch up with my "fling" that e-mailed me recently ;) Maybe hook up with all sorts of people on some whirlwind "you can only realistically deal with me for a day anyway" tour.
Now I've realised that I wasn't using positivity to stitch my routine together. The positivity came from my routine. My routine harboured and fostered it, teased it to grow and flourish. Now I don't know what the days will bring. Interrogation from co-workers? From my boss about why I'm leaving? Being asked to interview my replacements at the last second? That's for starters…imagine all the new thoughts going on in my head?
Nothing is the same now and I'm yearning to get back to stability but now that routine has rent my positivity asunder I have no motivation for work, I'm not going to the gym, I'm drinking all the time. I know this is just a temporary blip, but I still don't like it.
Anyway.
I successfully negotiated almost two weeks off at the end of my current job with my boss. Now that he has my replacement in the bag I think he's feeling more relaxed about me leaving. Again I'm planning on what to do with my time off, and again I really would like to spend some time touring the country. Maybe spending a few days making my way back to my town of birth. See my parents along the way. Maybe catch up with some other people along the way. Maybe catch up with my "fling" that e-mailed me recently ;) Maybe hook up with all sorts of people on some whirlwind "you can only realistically deal with me for a day anyway" tour.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Things I did this week...
...that I had no idea I'd do at the start of the week.
1) Bought a fruit bowl
2) Bought a self-help book for people with Autism who are looking for help with relationships
3) Put my CV on-line and started applying for new jobs.
It's weird but in the space of a week my life seems to have changed quite a lot. I can hardly get my head around it...my fruit won't just be lying on the kitchen worktop anymore.
Wow.
1) Bought a fruit bowl
2) Bought a self-help book for people with Autism who are looking for help with relationships
3) Put my CV on-line and started applying for new jobs.
It's weird but in the space of a week my life seems to have changed quite a lot. I can hardly get my head around it...my fruit won't just be lying on the kitchen worktop anymore.
Wow.
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Catching up
Just a few things that are going on with me really.
I'm on a bit of a self-improvement kick at the moment with my usual mixed success. I'm trying to turn my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) to my advantage by developing "positive" habits and routines to combat some issues I have. One habit I've already managed to break is drinking mid-week, something I haven't done for quite a while. My next target is to stop drinking on a Sunday as it affects me quite badly on the following Monday at work. While still in the moment I set up a reminder on my phone for next Sunday at 7pm that urges me not to drink and explaining the reasons why. We'll see if it works. Alas I didn't break the habit last Sunday so I didn't feel up to going to the gym this week. Which brings me to my next point…
I did something rather spontaneous tonight and decided to go to the cinema. I haven't been in a long time really and I'm not quite sure where the idea came from…but what the hell? I went to see "Bruno" because my humour is usually in the gutter anyway and it was laugh-out-loud funny in a fair few places. Was also good to see an Autism joke in the movies (good news…Autism is "in" this season)…not something you see much of, though Sasha Baron Cohen's cousin is an autism researcher so I'm sure there is a connection there. Alas it did also remind me why I hate being around other people.
The other routine I'm trying to get into is a cleaning one. I had a fairly large clean-up two weeks ago and I'm striving to do less but more often to keep it up and I think I'm doing quite well. When I see something that needs done I try and do it rather than postpone it. I'm cleaning the oven hob and bathroom sink etc more frequently so that it just needs a quick once-over and that's it done. I'm trying to keep clutter down and mess cleaned away and the recycling done rather than letting it pile up, and also get the dishes done rather than those also piling up. So far it's going ok I think. I've been here before though so I won't be too surprised if I gradually slip back to my old ways.
To close off this Christmas letter, I had a girl I was "involved" with when I was younger contact me after tracking me down on the internet. It's been about 16 years I think since I last saw or spoke to her, but it was good to hear from her (stalking tendencies forgiven). To be honest all my life I've regularly thought back to my relationship with her, as brief as it was. It never really progressed the way I wanted it to even though I really liked her and I could never understand why I acted as I did. Now, looking back knowing I have AS it all makes perfect sense and I now understand why I did the things I did. So to have her contact me out of the blue was a mix of emotions.
We've since exchanged a few emails and I confess that I've fallen for her again. It's like she hasn't changed one bit and those 16 years never existed. It's like I last saw her yesterday. It's like she is some kind of key to my life, something I need to tie up the past. I'm torn, though. Up front I'll say that nothing is going to happen…she is 700 miles from me. But there are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I can now explain why things happened the way they did, I want to spell things out to her. But what's the point? I could detail so many things that are fresh in my mind but she probably doesn't even remember them. Could I face the fact that the things that have dogged me all my life are so insignificant to her that she can't even remember them?
I dunno…I'll sit on it and think about it. Why are the people you want never available? I suppose I should really just leave things as they are. Knowledge isn't always good; sometimes ships just need to pass in the night.
I'm on a bit of a self-improvement kick at the moment with my usual mixed success. I'm trying to turn my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) to my advantage by developing "positive" habits and routines to combat some issues I have. One habit I've already managed to break is drinking mid-week, something I haven't done for quite a while. My next target is to stop drinking on a Sunday as it affects me quite badly on the following Monday at work. While still in the moment I set up a reminder on my phone for next Sunday at 7pm that urges me not to drink and explaining the reasons why. We'll see if it works. Alas I didn't break the habit last Sunday so I didn't feel up to going to the gym this week. Which brings me to my next point…
I did something rather spontaneous tonight and decided to go to the cinema. I haven't been in a long time really and I'm not quite sure where the idea came from…but what the hell? I went to see "Bruno" because my humour is usually in the gutter anyway and it was laugh-out-loud funny in a fair few places. Was also good to see an Autism joke in the movies (good news…Autism is "in" this season)…not something you see much of, though Sasha Baron Cohen's cousin is an autism researcher so I'm sure there is a connection there. Alas it did also remind me why I hate being around other people.
The other routine I'm trying to get into is a cleaning one. I had a fairly large clean-up two weeks ago and I'm striving to do less but more often to keep it up and I think I'm doing quite well. When I see something that needs done I try and do it rather than postpone it. I'm cleaning the oven hob and bathroom sink etc more frequently so that it just needs a quick once-over and that's it done. I'm trying to keep clutter down and mess cleaned away and the recycling done rather than letting it pile up, and also get the dishes done rather than those also piling up. So far it's going ok I think. I've been here before though so I won't be too surprised if I gradually slip back to my old ways.
To close off this Christmas letter, I had a girl I was "involved" with when I was younger contact me after tracking me down on the internet. It's been about 16 years I think since I last saw or spoke to her, but it was good to hear from her (stalking tendencies forgiven). To be honest all my life I've regularly thought back to my relationship with her, as brief as it was. It never really progressed the way I wanted it to even though I really liked her and I could never understand why I acted as I did. Now, looking back knowing I have AS it all makes perfect sense and I now understand why I did the things I did. So to have her contact me out of the blue was a mix of emotions.
We've since exchanged a few emails and I confess that I've fallen for her again. It's like she hasn't changed one bit and those 16 years never existed. It's like I last saw her yesterday. It's like she is some kind of key to my life, something I need to tie up the past. I'm torn, though. Up front I'll say that nothing is going to happen…she is 700 miles from me. But there are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I can now explain why things happened the way they did, I want to spell things out to her. But what's the point? I could detail so many things that are fresh in my mind but she probably doesn't even remember them. Could I face the fact that the things that have dogged me all my life are so insignificant to her that she can't even remember them?
I dunno…I'll sit on it and think about it. Why are the people you want never available? I suppose I should really just leave things as they are. Knowledge isn't always good; sometimes ships just need to pass in the night.
Friday, 26 June 2009
This is my love for you
It pretty much goes without saying that I've never really been that great with the opposite sex. Instigating significant relationships is probably one of the biggest challenges to people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS), fraught as they are with everything we're not. It requires much non-verbal communication, flirting, conversation skills, showing an interest in other people, eye-contact, subtle body contact and so on and so forth.
Before my diagnosis I'd always done my best, you know? I mean, God loves a trier. It usually takes me a while to get comfortable enough around someone to talk at least semi-freely instead of being all tight and nervous and self-conscious. It's bad enough with everyday people, but faced with a girl I find attractive or like and it seems to render me fairly useless. I just clam up. It's not so bad if it is with someone you are around a lot as you get a chance to get comfortable and relax, but I'm not around women a lot. When most of the people you meet are in small bites I just lack the skills to make those instant, lasting impressions. I lack that "confidence" that women seem to value above all else.
Since my diagnosis I kind of know how Adam felt in the Garden of Eden. Although I've always had AS, plucking my diagnosis has opened my eyes, made me aware, and made me ashamed. Although I've had girlfriends in the past…now I can't see how I'll ever have one again, which is odd because I'm still the same person after all. Now that I know what is wrong with me the fear of failing is stopping me trying. I seem to resign myself to "this isn't going to work so why bother" right from the outset. In fact when I think about it, it's almost as if I've been subconsciously pushing women away my whole life. Women don't really dig the facial hair, and I'm certainly no Schwarzenegger but my body type is already beyond what most women would "go for."
And that's just the initial flirty stuff, how would I ever cope actually going out with someone again knowing what I know now? Could I put myself through "Why do we never just talk" again? Could I put myself through "Let's go down the pub" again? Could I put myself through "Come meet all my friends" again? Could I put myself through "Why are you so rude" again? Could I put myself through "You never listen to me" again? Could I put up with making all of the sacrifices again? Could I put up with having to keep my flat clean again? Don't get me wrong, there are plus sides to relationships too; it's great always having someone to text or email just to say about something funny you thought of, or something interesting you've heard. It's great having someone to cuddle and sometimes go places with. But I can't help seeing a relationship as the greater of all evils.
I guess the truth doesn't always set you free.
Before my diagnosis I'd always done my best, you know? I mean, God loves a trier. It usually takes me a while to get comfortable enough around someone to talk at least semi-freely instead of being all tight and nervous and self-conscious. It's bad enough with everyday people, but faced with a girl I find attractive or like and it seems to render me fairly useless. I just clam up. It's not so bad if it is with someone you are around a lot as you get a chance to get comfortable and relax, but I'm not around women a lot. When most of the people you meet are in small bites I just lack the skills to make those instant, lasting impressions. I lack that "confidence" that women seem to value above all else.
Since my diagnosis I kind of know how Adam felt in the Garden of Eden. Although I've always had AS, plucking my diagnosis has opened my eyes, made me aware, and made me ashamed. Although I've had girlfriends in the past…now I can't see how I'll ever have one again, which is odd because I'm still the same person after all. Now that I know what is wrong with me the fear of failing is stopping me trying. I seem to resign myself to "this isn't going to work so why bother" right from the outset. In fact when I think about it, it's almost as if I've been subconsciously pushing women away my whole life. Women don't really dig the facial hair, and I'm certainly no Schwarzenegger but my body type is already beyond what most women would "go for."
And that's just the initial flirty stuff, how would I ever cope actually going out with someone again knowing what I know now? Could I put myself through "Why do we never just talk" again? Could I put myself through "Let's go down the pub" again? Could I put myself through "Come meet all my friends" again? Could I put myself through "Why are you so rude" again? Could I put myself through "You never listen to me" again? Could I put up with making all of the sacrifices again? Could I put up with having to keep my flat clean again? Don't get me wrong, there are plus sides to relationships too; it's great always having someone to text or email just to say about something funny you thought of, or something interesting you've heard. It's great having someone to cuddle and sometimes go places with. But I can't help seeing a relationship as the greater of all evils.
I guess the truth doesn't always set you free.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Isn't it ironic?
I have a "friend" at the moment who I started spending time with when we decided to work on a project together. It started off quite well and we met up and got a fair amount of work done. We'd also meet up at the weekends sometimes. This was when he was between years at university and when he went back to do his final year we'd still meet up but the project took a back seat and I spent my time helping him with his coursework.
Now I'm a pretty generous person I think, even with my time. I don't mind helping people but I soon started to learn that computers weren't this guy's thing. No matter how often I'd tell him something he'd never learn it. I wasn't helping him with his coursework, I was doing his coursework. At times I'd deliberately leave things half done and gave him direction and advice about how to finish them but he never would, he'd just hand in what I'd done, half finished and all. He promised he'd work on things through the week but never did. I began to really resent it as I could be having down time or doing overtime myself but instead I was giving up my time for nothing. Then he'd start putting all these pressures on me if he had a deadline and would want my help more and more. Then times I'd go to help him and he said he couldn't be bothered working that night so we'd just watch TV or something instead. Why couldn't he tell me these things before I went over? I was often putting my own things off to give him my time.
After his course was over we'd still see each other at weekends, but when we started working on the project again he'd always arrange to meet and then cancel on the day, and I only saw him when we were working on the project. Now he has a job himself and I give him advice and stuff, but now when I go over to work on the project he wants me to do his work! Work he is being paid for! He doesn't want to let them know he can't do the work so thinks he can get me to do it for him and him pass it off as his own. I showed him some stuff this week and he still doesn't understand any of the basics, he hasn't learned a thing in all this time. He sent me a message saying he could really do with my help this weekend. In other words, he went to work after I showed him what I did and he couldn't advance it on his own so needs me to give up my weekend to do his job for him.
The truth of the matter is that I've kind of had enough really. Yeah it's ok seeing him at the weekend some times but he only does it to keep me sweet, and sometimes brings his laptop for me to "show him some things". I could do without giving up the little spare time I have during the week when I'm snowed under with my own work and could do with doing overtime instead. I can do without him begging me to give up my weekend for him when I need to use the time to relax instead. I'm fed up helping him and him never learning.
What I really need is to sever the whole friendship but I know I won't be able to. Usually I can't keep a friendship going for the life of me, but now I have one I can't shift. I know it's not really a "friendship" though; I know he is just using me and wants me around as I have a purpose. I know that if I just broke off contact he'd keep calling, emailing and texting asking what’s wrong and can we meet up. And I know that I'd relent because I'm weak.
So basically I need some form of exit strategy. I'll try repeatedly cancelling our arrangements and see if he gets the message but I'm sure he won't. As I said, he needs me to do his work so I'm sure he'll be quite persistent.
Now I'm a pretty generous person I think, even with my time. I don't mind helping people but I soon started to learn that computers weren't this guy's thing. No matter how often I'd tell him something he'd never learn it. I wasn't helping him with his coursework, I was doing his coursework. At times I'd deliberately leave things half done and gave him direction and advice about how to finish them but he never would, he'd just hand in what I'd done, half finished and all. He promised he'd work on things through the week but never did. I began to really resent it as I could be having down time or doing overtime myself but instead I was giving up my time for nothing. Then he'd start putting all these pressures on me if he had a deadline and would want my help more and more. Then times I'd go to help him and he said he couldn't be bothered working that night so we'd just watch TV or something instead. Why couldn't he tell me these things before I went over? I was often putting my own things off to give him my time.
After his course was over we'd still see each other at weekends, but when we started working on the project again he'd always arrange to meet and then cancel on the day, and I only saw him when we were working on the project. Now he has a job himself and I give him advice and stuff, but now when I go over to work on the project he wants me to do his work! Work he is being paid for! He doesn't want to let them know he can't do the work so thinks he can get me to do it for him and him pass it off as his own. I showed him some stuff this week and he still doesn't understand any of the basics, he hasn't learned a thing in all this time. He sent me a message saying he could really do with my help this weekend. In other words, he went to work after I showed him what I did and he couldn't advance it on his own so needs me to give up my weekend to do his job for him.
The truth of the matter is that I've kind of had enough really. Yeah it's ok seeing him at the weekend some times but he only does it to keep me sweet, and sometimes brings his laptop for me to "show him some things". I could do without giving up the little spare time I have during the week when I'm snowed under with my own work and could do with doing overtime instead. I can do without him begging me to give up my weekend for him when I need to use the time to relax instead. I'm fed up helping him and him never learning.
What I really need is to sever the whole friendship but I know I won't be able to. Usually I can't keep a friendship going for the life of me, but now I have one I can't shift. I know it's not really a "friendship" though; I know he is just using me and wants me around as I have a purpose. I know that if I just broke off contact he'd keep calling, emailing and texting asking what’s wrong and can we meet up. And I know that I'd relent because I'm weak.
So basically I need some form of exit strategy. I'll try repeatedly cancelling our arrangements and see if he gets the message but I'm sure he won't. As I said, he needs me to do his work so I'm sure he'll be quite persistent.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Deconstructing Disasters
Since my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) there are a few things I've been second-guessing myself over. There are some AS symptoms I read about that I've never consciously thought myself as having (pre- or post- diagnosis), but now I'm going back to re-evaluate. Things like missing non-verbal cues and talking without knowing the other person is not interested. How do you know you're "missing" something you can't see, like a "non-verbal cue"? Surely to know you've missed something you must recognise the something you've missed…but then you haven't missed it. Am I making sense? And as for talking without knowing the other person is not interested…how can you know you do that? As if you knew you wouldn't do it. Right?
There was something my ex-girlfriend would do that I didn't really like, in that sometimes if I'd talk about certain things (mainly to "make conversation") she'd over-exaggerate boredom by rolling eyes, audibly yawning to her hand etc. Now it would really annoy me, as there were things she'd talk about that I wasn't interested in but I listened anyway as I was trying to be a "good" boyfriend. So obviously I would quite resent these actions and feel quite hurt by them. Especially when I was just trying to fulfil one of her many other complaints about me regarding "never talking". Yet when I did try and talk it would sometimes be thrown back in my face.
So now I'm wondering if it is normal for NT's to non-verbally indicate when a subject is one they are not interested in talking about, however as I was missing these signals she was getting fed up and frustrated and thought that the only solution was to be obvious and, frankly, rude. Then the fact that there were things she talked about that I wasn't interested in…maybe there were signals I should have been giving off to register my disinterest in the particular subject to stop it coming up again, but as I wasn't giving them she didn't know I wasn't interested?
Or maybe I'm just over-analysing this and the fact of the matter is that she was just a selfish bitch? I'm now left in a quandary where I don't know the answer; however it is planting a fear in me and I am getting paranoid that I'm exhibiting this behaviour regularly without knowing. When I have a conversation and it breaks down I keep going over everything that was said in my head, analysing if I was boring them, or if I could have done things better or differently. Was the reason they said they had to leave genuine or were they just making excuses to get away from the boring guy?
It's why I much prefer communication by e-mail, which I'll cover in my next blog as it's getting slightly off-topic here.
There was something my ex-girlfriend would do that I didn't really like, in that sometimes if I'd talk about certain things (mainly to "make conversation") she'd over-exaggerate boredom by rolling eyes, audibly yawning to her hand etc. Now it would really annoy me, as there were things she'd talk about that I wasn't interested in but I listened anyway as I was trying to be a "good" boyfriend. So obviously I would quite resent these actions and feel quite hurt by them. Especially when I was just trying to fulfil one of her many other complaints about me regarding "never talking". Yet when I did try and talk it would sometimes be thrown back in my face.
So now I'm wondering if it is normal for NT's to non-verbally indicate when a subject is one they are not interested in talking about, however as I was missing these signals she was getting fed up and frustrated and thought that the only solution was to be obvious and, frankly, rude. Then the fact that there were things she talked about that I wasn't interested in…maybe there were signals I should have been giving off to register my disinterest in the particular subject to stop it coming up again, but as I wasn't giving them she didn't know I wasn't interested?
Or maybe I'm just over-analysing this and the fact of the matter is that she was just a selfish bitch? I'm now left in a quandary where I don't know the answer; however it is planting a fear in me and I am getting paranoid that I'm exhibiting this behaviour regularly without knowing. When I have a conversation and it breaks down I keep going over everything that was said in my head, analysing if I was boring them, or if I could have done things better or differently. Was the reason they said they had to leave genuine or were they just making excuses to get away from the boring guy?
It's why I much prefer communication by e-mail, which I'll cover in my next blog as it's getting slightly off-topic here.
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