Monday, 28 February 2011


I spent a few hours in the company of one of the friends of this girl I'm kind of seeing. She knows I have Asperger's Syndrome (AS), and at a later date she filled me in on what this person does for a living. I knew he was a teacher but it turns out he teaches "special needs" and he remarked to her that I either had OCD or was on the autistic spectrum as I displayed a lot of characteristics.

It was interesting I guess, almost validating in way. She didn't tell him I have AS as she knows it's not something I tell people.

Twirling round with this familiar parabol

Everything is different now. I'm sort of seeing someone, kind of. It's early days and I'd long forgotten what these early stages are like. I'm suffering a lot from anxiety and worry. It's like I've turned into a needy child, craving reassurance like mother's milk. If hours go by without me hearing from her I start to wonder if she is going off me. She doesn't help in herself, as she isn't always the regular contact type person. When she does contact me it is always positive and seems to lift my anxiety, but that anxiety gradually returns.

It's not just my separation anxiety, but spending time with someone normal, bring around them and listening to them talk - it all reminds me of my inadequacies. My insular, lonely little life filled with unfulfilment. It's akin to learning to like yourself and then someone holding up a mirror, reminding you just how ugly you actually are. One step forward, two steps back.

I was drinking at the weekend too and I'm shocked at the effect it is having on my mental health. My anxiety today was through the roof. Off the chart. Depression too, thoughts of worthlessness and despair. Wondering just what the fucking point is. I don't know if it is affecting me this badly because I don't drink for long periods of time, or if I'm just changing as a person, rotting away.

I'm considering going to the doctor to see if I can get some kind of anti-anxiety medication.