I've written a few times about Gary McKinnon who is fighting extradition to the US over accusations of hacking. Well there is a group of hackers who have been gaining notoriety over the last month or so, and police in the UK have arrested someone in connection with those activities.
And guess what?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13916090
Yep, he has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Now what is interesting is that it is only since his arrest that he has been diagnosed. I'm already uneasy about Gary McKinnon using his AS as a form of excuse, or tool to evade justice or lesson his punishment, but this is something else altogether. How can you get a diagnosis that quick? Is this a new form of "ambulance chasing"? If you are accused of a "nerd" crime, does your solicitor immediately get you diagnosed as having AS as a get-out-of-jail-free card? McKinnon's case is on-going and long, but this will be an interesting one to keep an eye on.
Showing posts with label computer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label computer. Show all posts
Monday, 27 June 2011
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Update on work
I've been at my job for over 6 months now and I've pretty much settled in…as have others settled with me. The person I sit beside has already remarked that I eat the same thing for lunch every day. Winter's gone so at least I'm not getting comments about never wearing a jacket any more. It also turns out an ex-colleague went to university with someone at my work. I know their name but I'm not too familiar with them as a person. I had met up with this ex-colleague and he asked me if I know such-and-such and I said "not really." Someone else who was there asked "does he know AS4L?" to which the ex-colleague replied with a smile "oh, everyone knows AS4L". I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm hoping it is in reference to my legendary comedy skills :)
As for my colleagues in general…it really is same s**t different day. The things that annoyed me in my old place are just annoying me slightly less in my new place. It seems that other people's flaws are universal. Again I am finding myself frustrated at other people's lack of attention to detail and inability to come up with decent solutions to things. I know that the detail thing is maybe just me being too focussed on detail, but I don't know if it isn't also that they're just slack or don't care. Maybe it's a bit of both.
On a related note I can see myself doing some things that, in hindsight, maybe weren't the best ideas I've ever had. One colleague brought me to his computer for me to look at something they had finished but I didn't like the way they had done it. I didn't like it at all. I advised them of a better way that was in keeping with good principles and practices and would be more flexible for the client and less prone to errors but they didn't seem to care, in their mind the job was done. So when I got back to my own computer I completely re-wrote everything they had done. When my way was finished I showed the colleague my method and explained why it was better. It was only in the following days it dawned on me that it would probably piss me off if I showed something to someone and they went and re-wrote it. I suppose it could be considered disrespectful…but he should have taken my advice and implemented my method himself so I didn't have to do it for him :)
Similarly I went over reams and reams of another colleagues work and noted down every error. I fixed most of them but left the more complicated issues for them to fix. When I was done I sent them this big list of things I had fixed and a list for them still to fix. My intention of telling him the things I had fixed was so he was aware that he had done them wrong so he could look at the updated version and learn from it…but again it was only in the following days that I realised he probably just thinks I'm a prick :)
As for my colleagues in general…it really is same s**t different day. The things that annoyed me in my old place are just annoying me slightly less in my new place. It seems that other people's flaws are universal. Again I am finding myself frustrated at other people's lack of attention to detail and inability to come up with decent solutions to things. I know that the detail thing is maybe just me being too focussed on detail, but I don't know if it isn't also that they're just slack or don't care. Maybe it's a bit of both.
On a related note I can see myself doing some things that, in hindsight, maybe weren't the best ideas I've ever had. One colleague brought me to his computer for me to look at something they had finished but I didn't like the way they had done it. I didn't like it at all. I advised them of a better way that was in keeping with good principles and practices and would be more flexible for the client and less prone to errors but they didn't seem to care, in their mind the job was done. So when I got back to my own computer I completely re-wrote everything they had done. When my way was finished I showed the colleague my method and explained why it was better. It was only in the following days it dawned on me that it would probably piss me off if I showed something to someone and they went and re-wrote it. I suppose it could be considered disrespectful…but he should have taken my advice and implemented my method himself so I didn't have to do it for him :)
Similarly I went over reams and reams of another colleagues work and noted down every error. I fixed most of them but left the more complicated issues for them to fix. When I was done I sent them this big list of things I had fixed and a list for them still to fix. My intention of telling him the things I had fixed was so he was aware that he had done them wrong so he could look at the updated version and learn from it…but again it was only in the following days that I realised he probably just thinks I'm a prick :)
Monday, 18 January 2010
Damn you, cruel fate!
There's a terrible twist to having Asperger's Syndrome that leads me to believe it was either designed by the devil, or I have been a very bad person in a former life. It goes without saying that I'm not the best face-to-face communicator which makes it all the harder for starting relationships. I can only really meet women in quite controlled circumstances… pubs and clubs are out of the question, as are overly noisy places or places where there are lots of distractions. Hopefully also a place the same woman habituates to allow me to gradually get to know her and work what little charms I have. Now let's throw into the mix the fact that all of my pastimes are either solitary or male-dominated, and it'd be easier finding a bacon sandwich in a mosque than a suitable partner.
My quiver is not entirely devoid of arrows though. Via a focused and controllable medium like e-mail where it is just me, the canvas, and time, I can be quite eloquent. When the social barrier that stops me taking part in the world is not a factor I can let my real self come out, I can express myself and engage with people. I imagine that the way I communicate through e-mail is the way normal people communicate face to face. These keys…these fingers…this is my face.
So at a certain level I am able to stir interest in a member of the opposite sex…but why do we e-mail people in the first place? Because we have no physical access to them, usually because they live far away. And that's the sand in the Vaseline. The one social skill I do have rendered completely useless.
My quiver is not entirely devoid of arrows though. Via a focused and controllable medium like e-mail where it is just me, the canvas, and time, I can be quite eloquent. When the social barrier that stops me taking part in the world is not a factor I can let my real self come out, I can express myself and engage with people. I imagine that the way I communicate through e-mail is the way normal people communicate face to face. These keys…these fingers…this is my face.
So at a certain level I am able to stir interest in a member of the opposite sex…but why do we e-mail people in the first place? Because we have no physical access to them, usually because they live far away. And that's the sand in the Vaseline. The one social skill I do have rendered completely useless.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Thinking outside the box
I had an interesting day at work today. One of the main differences between my new job and my old one is that at my current job everyone is quite competent at what they do, and I'm also the "middle" developer with one developer more senior than me. So I don't spend as much time helping other people with their problems as I did in my old job.
However today we were dealing with a problem that no-one could solve or even much understand. Lots of people had had a hand in solving it to no avail. Now in these situations, what often happens is an unofficial coding free-for-all where everyone works on the problem at the same time with the aim that the person who solves it first gets the kudos.
So we were all pretty much focussed on solving this tricky problem and to paraphrase the situation, imagine a chain of events from step 1 to step 5, and step 5 is failing quite spectacularly. My colleagues were all spending their efforts looking at the ins and outs of step 5 and really tearing it apart and pouring over every line, trying to understand why it was failing. However I was the only one who seemed to contemplate the issue as a whole, and despite the obvious failure at step 5 I didn't want to make assumptions about where the fault was. So I took some time to analyse not how step 5 failed, but why it failed. After spending a few minutes on that I made some discoveries that all of my colleagues had missed. Mainly because they were looking at something else. Using my findings I back-tracked to step 4 to see the problem emerging, then back to step 3 to see the problem starting. It was step 3 that had the problem, and like dominos it was step 5 that exhibited the failure.
I'm now no more than 15 minutes into my attempt to solve the problem and I'm investigating an area none of my colleagues are. I am now confident that none of my colleagues has a chance of solving this problem as they are looking in the wrong place, so I soldier on and after half an hour I had finally solved the problem that no-one else could.
Now I'm not just blowing my own trumpet here :) the whole incident really taught me a few things. What struck me most was that my colleagues were acting in exactly the same way that my colleagues at my old job did. I was always frustrated as I felt people wasted too much energy looking for solutions in the wrong places after making too many assumptions. Not only that, but at my old job I'd often get annoyed at my colleagues' constant dialogue about what they thought was wrong, as to me that was just a distraction to my own train of thought. I'd feel like saying "stop wasting your time and stop speaking to me…you're looking into the wrong thing, you'll never solve this problem". Again today the same thing…I had to put up with a constant dialogue from my colleagues about this step 5 and I just tried to "yeah" and "uh-huh" the talk away and not let it distract me from looking at step 3.
This is a very clear-cut example of what people mean by out of the box thinking, and how the way my brain is wired gives me an advantage in problem solving over my non-autistic colleagues. When presented with a step that fails they get polarised by that step and can't see outside of its confines to contemplate that the real problem might be elsewhere. Whereas my first thought isn't "I wonder what is wrong with step 5", but "I wonder if step 5 is the problem". It's such a simple thing, such a simple concept yet other people don't seem to get it. Now that my new, rather competent, colleagues are exhibiting an identical problem solving approach to my old colleagues I can only assume that their way of thinking is just "normal".
So the sun does indeed shine on a dog's arse some days :)
However today we were dealing with a problem that no-one could solve or even much understand. Lots of people had had a hand in solving it to no avail. Now in these situations, what often happens is an unofficial coding free-for-all where everyone works on the problem at the same time with the aim that the person who solves it first gets the kudos.
So we were all pretty much focussed on solving this tricky problem and to paraphrase the situation, imagine a chain of events from step 1 to step 5, and step 5 is failing quite spectacularly. My colleagues were all spending their efforts looking at the ins and outs of step 5 and really tearing it apart and pouring over every line, trying to understand why it was failing. However I was the only one who seemed to contemplate the issue as a whole, and despite the obvious failure at step 5 I didn't want to make assumptions about where the fault was. So I took some time to analyse not how step 5 failed, but why it failed. After spending a few minutes on that I made some discoveries that all of my colleagues had missed. Mainly because they were looking at something else. Using my findings I back-tracked to step 4 to see the problem emerging, then back to step 3 to see the problem starting. It was step 3 that had the problem, and like dominos it was step 5 that exhibited the failure.
I'm now no more than 15 minutes into my attempt to solve the problem and I'm investigating an area none of my colleagues are. I am now confident that none of my colleagues has a chance of solving this problem as they are looking in the wrong place, so I soldier on and after half an hour I had finally solved the problem that no-one else could.
Now I'm not just blowing my own trumpet here :) the whole incident really taught me a few things. What struck me most was that my colleagues were acting in exactly the same way that my colleagues at my old job did. I was always frustrated as I felt people wasted too much energy looking for solutions in the wrong places after making too many assumptions. Not only that, but at my old job I'd often get annoyed at my colleagues' constant dialogue about what they thought was wrong, as to me that was just a distraction to my own train of thought. I'd feel like saying "stop wasting your time and stop speaking to me…you're looking into the wrong thing, you'll never solve this problem". Again today the same thing…I had to put up with a constant dialogue from my colleagues about this step 5 and I just tried to "yeah" and "uh-huh" the talk away and not let it distract me from looking at step 3.
This is a very clear-cut example of what people mean by out of the box thinking, and how the way my brain is wired gives me an advantage in problem solving over my non-autistic colleagues. When presented with a step that fails they get polarised by that step and can't see outside of its confines to contemplate that the real problem might be elsewhere. Whereas my first thought isn't "I wonder what is wrong with step 5", but "I wonder if step 5 is the problem". It's such a simple thing, such a simple concept yet other people don't seem to get it. Now that my new, rather competent, colleagues are exhibiting an identical problem solving approach to my old colleagues I can only assume that their way of thinking is just "normal".
So the sun does indeed shine on a dog's arse some days :)
Friday, 11 December 2009
Hello darkness my old friend
"When you meet one person with Asperger's you've met one person with Asperger's" so the saying goes. We all suffer different symptoms to different degrees, but a symptom I never really identified with was one where people get single-mindedly focused on a task to the detriment of everything else. Mainly because at work I do often have to switch active tasks, and it's something I've been aware I'm not 100% happy with doing but like many things I just get on and do it.
Last night I had a few tasks that I needed to do, and I've also started on a new personal project. I started off doing a bit of my project until I was too hungry to concentrate much, so broke for diner, then got back to my project. I was always keen to do just a bit more, then just a bit more. I knew I had other tasks to do but wanted to keep doing just a bit more. By the time 2am came I had not done any of my other tasks. I still had to finish a document I was writing for work, finish an e-mail to someone, have a shower, prepare lunch for the next day and also iron a shirt. It was 2am! I had been on my project for 5 hours.
So the e-mail just had to wait, the document was half-arsed but I knew I could finish it when I got to work, and I had to soldier with the other tasks. I didn't get to bed until just past 3am and I still couldn't shake this project from my mind and what plans I had to enhance it, what the next stages should be etc. So my mind was racing and I just couldn't switch off or get to sleep.
Then it dawned on me that this situation wasn't unique, it wasn't the first time I've done this…start a project and got so engrossed in it I just can't pull myself away and can barely sleep for thinking about it. Then thinking about it all day at work, just waiting to get back home to repeat the cycle. Yet whenever I hear about people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) getting so focused and set on a single task that you can't break them free from I always thought "that's nothing like me." It's everything like me.
This is one of those times when knowing what is wrong with you really helps you understand yourself and your behaviours and recognise when your behaviour is the result of AS. If I didn't know I had AS I'd never stop to look at the trees instead of the wood.
Last night I had a few tasks that I needed to do, and I've also started on a new personal project. I started off doing a bit of my project until I was too hungry to concentrate much, so broke for diner, then got back to my project. I was always keen to do just a bit more, then just a bit more. I knew I had other tasks to do but wanted to keep doing just a bit more. By the time 2am came I had not done any of my other tasks. I still had to finish a document I was writing for work, finish an e-mail to someone, have a shower, prepare lunch for the next day and also iron a shirt. It was 2am! I had been on my project for 5 hours.
So the e-mail just had to wait, the document was half-arsed but I knew I could finish it when I got to work, and I had to soldier with the other tasks. I didn't get to bed until just past 3am and I still couldn't shake this project from my mind and what plans I had to enhance it, what the next stages should be etc. So my mind was racing and I just couldn't switch off or get to sleep.
Then it dawned on me that this situation wasn't unique, it wasn't the first time I've done this…start a project and got so engrossed in it I just can't pull myself away and can barely sleep for thinking about it. Then thinking about it all day at work, just waiting to get back home to repeat the cycle. Yet whenever I hear about people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) getting so focused and set on a single task that you can't break them free from I always thought "that's nothing like me." It's everything like me.
This is one of those times when knowing what is wrong with you really helps you understand yourself and your behaviours and recognise when your behaviour is the result of AS. If I didn't know I had AS I'd never stop to look at the trees instead of the wood.
Friday, 9 October 2009
First day of school
I started my new job yesterday and today (Friday) was the end of my first week…so to speak. The day before I started I was just pacing up and down the house, not knowing what to do with myself. How to kill the time.
So the job is going ok so far, but they're obviously not expecting me to be running the whole company for them yet, I'm just on light duties at the moment but that's par for the course in this industry. Helping resolve minor problems in existing systems is the best way of learning your way around how things work and how they're put together. I'm quite sure I've surprised them with how quickly I've picked things up…but I'm like that; I just look at code and I understand it, it's how my brain works. I've already played a good part of getting something finished on time which isn't bad going seeing as this is a massive computer application that I spent the morning of my first day looking at and was fixing issues with from lunch-time onward. I just hope I can rise to the real challenge which is when they start to expect more of a leadership role from me.
The people I work with are nice, quite agreeable and easy to get along with. They're quite juvenile but that's fine with me as I'm hardly Mr Mature myself so I quite like the low level of the banter and humour in the office. I far prefer it to people who are more serious and grown-up.
Alas they're also really, really social. It's a big company and the whole company seems social but our little group in our little office are very social among each other too. Naturally they expect me to just slip into this fast-lane of uber mixing but it's all too soon for me. It's too soon with these people I've just met, and socialising the way they want to in noisy clubs is just too much for me period. But what can you do? You can go along and hope to cope, or politely decline and look like the office outsider. I liked going out with my old workmates but I had time to get to know them all. With my new colleagues it's like I've been pushed into a busy road.
As well as the weekend activities I have avoided, there is an unofficial "networking" event happening at a local pub next Wednesday that apparently lots of local companies in our industry go to. They were telling me about it with glee at lunch, how great it is and what a laugh it is…drinking and meeting lots of new people. Great for you maybe…hell for me. Again I can either not go and have it look like I'm not a team-player, not fitting in, not mixing, not caring about my career…or I can go and look like a deer caught in headlights and be all awkward and drop the ball whenever someone tries to talk to me. I mean…I can't "network", and I don't want to either. There is also the risk I'll want to stick with my own colleagues and end up looking like a lost puppy following them around. On top of all of that Wednesday is a gym night. I'll either have to just get out of it, or go but say I can't stay long.
Being suddenly dropped in this world of hyper-sociality has made me feel quite disorientated and inadequate. It reminds me how different everyone else is, how much social interaction really drives their whole lives. How much joy interacting with people brings them.
Normally with smaller firms this stuff isn't an issue, but with these big firms how you "fit in" is a big thing for them, as important as your actual work. This is where them knowing I have Asperger's Syndrome would probably help as it might give me some leeway and let them know I can't help drowning in their lifestyle. I mean I know I get better given time…I just need that time to slowly adjust and integrate, and to get to know people. I can't just instantly morph into a social animal.
Which leads me onto the next thing. My line manager's wife is a teacher at an autistic school. Great. When he brought it up someone in the office said that the kids would be great to take to a casino (in reference to "Rain Man") and he corrected them on the difference between autism and being a savant. So he obviously knows a little about it all and there may be trouble ahead there. Though on the other side, if it comes down to it and my lack of "fitting in" is causing me problems I guess I'll have an ally there if I do decide to tell them. Though I can't see it getting that far. I've long suspected through my whole career that my technical abilities have helped negate the downsides of my personality and helped carry me when normally I'd have been dropped.
Interesting times ahead so batten down the hatches.
So the job is going ok so far, but they're obviously not expecting me to be running the whole company for them yet, I'm just on light duties at the moment but that's par for the course in this industry. Helping resolve minor problems in existing systems is the best way of learning your way around how things work and how they're put together. I'm quite sure I've surprised them with how quickly I've picked things up…but I'm like that; I just look at code and I understand it, it's how my brain works. I've already played a good part of getting something finished on time which isn't bad going seeing as this is a massive computer application that I spent the morning of my first day looking at and was fixing issues with from lunch-time onward. I just hope I can rise to the real challenge which is when they start to expect more of a leadership role from me.
The people I work with are nice, quite agreeable and easy to get along with. They're quite juvenile but that's fine with me as I'm hardly Mr Mature myself so I quite like the low level of the banter and humour in the office. I far prefer it to people who are more serious and grown-up.
Alas they're also really, really social. It's a big company and the whole company seems social but our little group in our little office are very social among each other too. Naturally they expect me to just slip into this fast-lane of uber mixing but it's all too soon for me. It's too soon with these people I've just met, and socialising the way they want to in noisy clubs is just too much for me period. But what can you do? You can go along and hope to cope, or politely decline and look like the office outsider. I liked going out with my old workmates but I had time to get to know them all. With my new colleagues it's like I've been pushed into a busy road.
As well as the weekend activities I have avoided, there is an unofficial "networking" event happening at a local pub next Wednesday that apparently lots of local companies in our industry go to. They were telling me about it with glee at lunch, how great it is and what a laugh it is…drinking and meeting lots of new people. Great for you maybe…hell for me. Again I can either not go and have it look like I'm not a team-player, not fitting in, not mixing, not caring about my career…or I can go and look like a deer caught in headlights and be all awkward and drop the ball whenever someone tries to talk to me. I mean…I can't "network", and I don't want to either. There is also the risk I'll want to stick with my own colleagues and end up looking like a lost puppy following them around. On top of all of that Wednesday is a gym night. I'll either have to just get out of it, or go but say I can't stay long.
Being suddenly dropped in this world of hyper-sociality has made me feel quite disorientated and inadequate. It reminds me how different everyone else is, how much social interaction really drives their whole lives. How much joy interacting with people brings them.
Normally with smaller firms this stuff isn't an issue, but with these big firms how you "fit in" is a big thing for them, as important as your actual work. This is where them knowing I have Asperger's Syndrome would probably help as it might give me some leeway and let them know I can't help drowning in their lifestyle. I mean I know I get better given time…I just need that time to slowly adjust and integrate, and to get to know people. I can't just instantly morph into a social animal.
Which leads me onto the next thing. My line manager's wife is a teacher at an autistic school. Great. When he brought it up someone in the office said that the kids would be great to take to a casino (in reference to "Rain Man") and he corrected them on the difference between autism and being a savant. So he obviously knows a little about it all and there may be trouble ahead there. Though on the other side, if it comes down to it and my lack of "fitting in" is causing me problems I guess I'll have an ally there if I do decide to tell them. Though I can't see it getting that far. I've long suspected through my whole career that my technical abilities have helped negate the downsides of my personality and helped carry me when normally I'd have been dropped.
Interesting times ahead so batten down the hatches.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Isn't it ironic?
I have a "friend" at the moment who I started spending time with when we decided to work on a project together. It started off quite well and we met up and got a fair amount of work done. We'd also meet up at the weekends sometimes. This was when he was between years at university and when he went back to do his final year we'd still meet up but the project took a back seat and I spent my time helping him with his coursework.
Now I'm a pretty generous person I think, even with my time. I don't mind helping people but I soon started to learn that computers weren't this guy's thing. No matter how often I'd tell him something he'd never learn it. I wasn't helping him with his coursework, I was doing his coursework. At times I'd deliberately leave things half done and gave him direction and advice about how to finish them but he never would, he'd just hand in what I'd done, half finished and all. He promised he'd work on things through the week but never did. I began to really resent it as I could be having down time or doing overtime myself but instead I was giving up my time for nothing. Then he'd start putting all these pressures on me if he had a deadline and would want my help more and more. Then times I'd go to help him and he said he couldn't be bothered working that night so we'd just watch TV or something instead. Why couldn't he tell me these things before I went over? I was often putting my own things off to give him my time.
After his course was over we'd still see each other at weekends, but when we started working on the project again he'd always arrange to meet and then cancel on the day, and I only saw him when we were working on the project. Now he has a job himself and I give him advice and stuff, but now when I go over to work on the project he wants me to do his work! Work he is being paid for! He doesn't want to let them know he can't do the work so thinks he can get me to do it for him and him pass it off as his own. I showed him some stuff this week and he still doesn't understand any of the basics, he hasn't learned a thing in all this time. He sent me a message saying he could really do with my help this weekend. In other words, he went to work after I showed him what I did and he couldn't advance it on his own so needs me to give up my weekend to do his job for him.
The truth of the matter is that I've kind of had enough really. Yeah it's ok seeing him at the weekend some times but he only does it to keep me sweet, and sometimes brings his laptop for me to "show him some things". I could do without giving up the little spare time I have during the week when I'm snowed under with my own work and could do with doing overtime instead. I can do without him begging me to give up my weekend for him when I need to use the time to relax instead. I'm fed up helping him and him never learning.
What I really need is to sever the whole friendship but I know I won't be able to. Usually I can't keep a friendship going for the life of me, but now I have one I can't shift. I know it's not really a "friendship" though; I know he is just using me and wants me around as I have a purpose. I know that if I just broke off contact he'd keep calling, emailing and texting asking what’s wrong and can we meet up. And I know that I'd relent because I'm weak.
So basically I need some form of exit strategy. I'll try repeatedly cancelling our arrangements and see if he gets the message but I'm sure he won't. As I said, he needs me to do his work so I'm sure he'll be quite persistent.
Now I'm a pretty generous person I think, even with my time. I don't mind helping people but I soon started to learn that computers weren't this guy's thing. No matter how often I'd tell him something he'd never learn it. I wasn't helping him with his coursework, I was doing his coursework. At times I'd deliberately leave things half done and gave him direction and advice about how to finish them but he never would, he'd just hand in what I'd done, half finished and all. He promised he'd work on things through the week but never did. I began to really resent it as I could be having down time or doing overtime myself but instead I was giving up my time for nothing. Then he'd start putting all these pressures on me if he had a deadline and would want my help more and more. Then times I'd go to help him and he said he couldn't be bothered working that night so we'd just watch TV or something instead. Why couldn't he tell me these things before I went over? I was often putting my own things off to give him my time.
After his course was over we'd still see each other at weekends, but when we started working on the project again he'd always arrange to meet and then cancel on the day, and I only saw him when we were working on the project. Now he has a job himself and I give him advice and stuff, but now when I go over to work on the project he wants me to do his work! Work he is being paid for! He doesn't want to let them know he can't do the work so thinks he can get me to do it for him and him pass it off as his own. I showed him some stuff this week and he still doesn't understand any of the basics, he hasn't learned a thing in all this time. He sent me a message saying he could really do with my help this weekend. In other words, he went to work after I showed him what I did and he couldn't advance it on his own so needs me to give up my weekend to do his job for him.
The truth of the matter is that I've kind of had enough really. Yeah it's ok seeing him at the weekend some times but he only does it to keep me sweet, and sometimes brings his laptop for me to "show him some things". I could do without giving up the little spare time I have during the week when I'm snowed under with my own work and could do with doing overtime instead. I can do without him begging me to give up my weekend for him when I need to use the time to relax instead. I'm fed up helping him and him never learning.
What I really need is to sever the whole friendship but I know I won't be able to. Usually I can't keep a friendship going for the life of me, but now I have one I can't shift. I know it's not really a "friendship" though; I know he is just using me and wants me around as I have a purpose. I know that if I just broke off contact he'd keep calling, emailing and texting asking what’s wrong and can we meet up. And I know that I'd relent because I'm weak.
So basically I need some form of exit strategy. I'll try repeatedly cancelling our arrangements and see if he gets the message but I'm sure he won't. As I said, he needs me to do his work so I'm sure he'll be quite persistent.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Deconstructing Disasters
Since my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) there are a few things I've been second-guessing myself over. There are some AS symptoms I read about that I've never consciously thought myself as having (pre- or post- diagnosis), but now I'm going back to re-evaluate. Things like missing non-verbal cues and talking without knowing the other person is not interested. How do you know you're "missing" something you can't see, like a "non-verbal cue"? Surely to know you've missed something you must recognise the something you've missed…but then you haven't missed it. Am I making sense? And as for talking without knowing the other person is not interested…how can you know you do that? As if you knew you wouldn't do it. Right?
There was something my ex-girlfriend would do that I didn't really like, in that sometimes if I'd talk about certain things (mainly to "make conversation") she'd over-exaggerate boredom by rolling eyes, audibly yawning to her hand etc. Now it would really annoy me, as there were things she'd talk about that I wasn't interested in but I listened anyway as I was trying to be a "good" boyfriend. So obviously I would quite resent these actions and feel quite hurt by them. Especially when I was just trying to fulfil one of her many other complaints about me regarding "never talking". Yet when I did try and talk it would sometimes be thrown back in my face.
So now I'm wondering if it is normal for NT's to non-verbally indicate when a subject is one they are not interested in talking about, however as I was missing these signals she was getting fed up and frustrated and thought that the only solution was to be obvious and, frankly, rude. Then the fact that there were things she talked about that I wasn't interested in…maybe there were signals I should have been giving off to register my disinterest in the particular subject to stop it coming up again, but as I wasn't giving them she didn't know I wasn't interested?
Or maybe I'm just over-analysing this and the fact of the matter is that she was just a selfish bitch? I'm now left in a quandary where I don't know the answer; however it is planting a fear in me and I am getting paranoid that I'm exhibiting this behaviour regularly without knowing. When I have a conversation and it breaks down I keep going over everything that was said in my head, analysing if I was boring them, or if I could have done things better or differently. Was the reason they said they had to leave genuine or were they just making excuses to get away from the boring guy?
It's why I much prefer communication by e-mail, which I'll cover in my next blog as it's getting slightly off-topic here.
There was something my ex-girlfriend would do that I didn't really like, in that sometimes if I'd talk about certain things (mainly to "make conversation") she'd over-exaggerate boredom by rolling eyes, audibly yawning to her hand etc. Now it would really annoy me, as there were things she'd talk about that I wasn't interested in but I listened anyway as I was trying to be a "good" boyfriend. So obviously I would quite resent these actions and feel quite hurt by them. Especially when I was just trying to fulfil one of her many other complaints about me regarding "never talking". Yet when I did try and talk it would sometimes be thrown back in my face.
So now I'm wondering if it is normal for NT's to non-verbally indicate when a subject is one they are not interested in talking about, however as I was missing these signals she was getting fed up and frustrated and thought that the only solution was to be obvious and, frankly, rude. Then the fact that there were things she talked about that I wasn't interested in…maybe there were signals I should have been giving off to register my disinterest in the particular subject to stop it coming up again, but as I wasn't giving them she didn't know I wasn't interested?
Or maybe I'm just over-analysing this and the fact of the matter is that she was just a selfish bitch? I'm now left in a quandary where I don't know the answer; however it is planting a fear in me and I am getting paranoid that I'm exhibiting this behaviour regularly without knowing. When I have a conversation and it breaks down I keep going over everything that was said in my head, analysing if I was boring them, or if I could have done things better or differently. Was the reason they said they had to leave genuine or were they just making excuses to get away from the boring guy?
It's why I much prefer communication by e-mail, which I'll cover in my next blog as it's getting slightly off-topic here.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
I'm an Asperger in Neuro-typical world
The world is moving on but not always in ways that are compatible with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). I've been interested in computers and electronic games from their very beginning when the gods at Atari gave us Space Invaders, Pac Man, River Raid, Missile Command and Pitfall. I've stayed with games and computers through the Amstrad CPC, Amiga, then onto PCs and XBOXs. However now games seem to be all about "multi-player", with some games even being multi-player only. I'm fine with games having a multi-player element, but it seems there are forces at work in the games industry to make games only about multiplayer. It's like some self-serving gaming guru has decreed that multi-player is the future and we will be beaten and cajoled until we are all heading in the "right" direction.
I don't want to play multi-player games. I don't want to be forced to communicate with someone over a headpiece to negotiate playing a game. While playing a game I don't want to have to be communicating with other people, either giving or taking instructions. It's not just the unwanted communication, but have you ever played games on-line? It is populated with netizens who are 12 years old and think that throwing racist or jingoistic abuse is funny. Then there is the whole aspect of actually getting a game. No "press A to start" here…oh no. You have to find a suitable "session" that you can join. Then you have to try and last 5 seconds before being booted from it. If you do get to join a game you can do badly and get booted, do well and get booted, or be mediocre and hope to last a few games…before being booted.
In my rare forays into multi-gaming I've always found it best to host my own games. That way I just let people play. If they're rubbish noobs I don't boot them, if they're 1337 and totally pwn me I still don't boot them. I like to be fair…but it's often not enough. You see people come to expect communication from you as the game host, such as unofficial rules or even what we want to play next. So people often don't stick around to play with me much.
Then there is the internet. Once a tool for researching movies, settling arguments and finding out the news of the day, it has now been taken over by "social networking". It's the latest bandwagon and there are many sites onboard. It seems you're nobody if you don't have a facebook account, or a myspace or bebo. No group of adults can be together for more than 5 minutes without talking about facebook, or their wall or their status. Every picture taken at a nightclub is on facebook no more than 20 minutes after being committed to the camera's memory. It's like the world's biggest club and I'm not invited.
And, like multi-player gaming, it seems there are forces at work that want to force you onto their bandwagon. Facebook has launched a technology called "connect" that lets you interact with third-party sites using your facebook details. Is their dream for the future one where everyone is on facebook? That it is all of our home pages?
I guess some people with AS would actually welcome this trend. Maybe I'm being too hasty. Maybe social networking on-line is a boon to those who can't do it in real life? Not for me, though, I seek the companionship of on-line people as much as I do real people. I would get no comfort from seeing all of my "friends" crammed into a box.
Still it's not all bad. Aren't self-service checkouts great? No people on the till, no small talk, no chatty checkout girls, no feeling that people are judging you by the "meals for one" that you're buying.
I don't want to play multi-player games. I don't want to be forced to communicate with someone over a headpiece to negotiate playing a game. While playing a game I don't want to have to be communicating with other people, either giving or taking instructions. It's not just the unwanted communication, but have you ever played games on-line? It is populated with netizens who are 12 years old and think that throwing racist or jingoistic abuse is funny. Then there is the whole aspect of actually getting a game. No "press A to start" here…oh no. You have to find a suitable "session" that you can join. Then you have to try and last 5 seconds before being booted from it. If you do get to join a game you can do badly and get booted, do well and get booted, or be mediocre and hope to last a few games…before being booted.
In my rare forays into multi-gaming I've always found it best to host my own games. That way I just let people play. If they're rubbish noobs I don't boot them, if they're 1337 and totally pwn me I still don't boot them. I like to be fair…but it's often not enough. You see people come to expect communication from you as the game host, such as unofficial rules or even what we want to play next. So people often don't stick around to play with me much.
Then there is the internet. Once a tool for researching movies, settling arguments and finding out the news of the day, it has now been taken over by "social networking". It's the latest bandwagon and there are many sites onboard. It seems you're nobody if you don't have a facebook account, or a myspace or bebo. No group of adults can be together for more than 5 minutes without talking about facebook, or their wall or their status. Every picture taken at a nightclub is on facebook no more than 20 minutes after being committed to the camera's memory. It's like the world's biggest club and I'm not invited.
And, like multi-player gaming, it seems there are forces at work that want to force you onto their bandwagon. Facebook has launched a technology called "connect" that lets you interact with third-party sites using your facebook details. Is their dream for the future one where everyone is on facebook? That it is all of our home pages?
I guess some people with AS would actually welcome this trend. Maybe I'm being too hasty. Maybe social networking on-line is a boon to those who can't do it in real life? Not for me, though, I seek the companionship of on-line people as much as I do real people. I would get no comfort from seeing all of my "friends" crammed into a box.
Still it's not all bad. Aren't self-service checkouts great? No people on the till, no small talk, no chatty checkout girls, no feeling that people are judging you by the "meals for one" that you're buying.
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Going nowhere
I've mentioned a few times that I have a talent with computers, and I've been quite lucky in that it has given me a steady career with a good salary. I do often feel like I'm wasting my talents…and often it is other people telling me I'm wasting them. My problem is that I have no real ambition.
It's not something that's frequently on my mind, but it does get to me when I see ambition in others. Others who I know aren't as skilled as myself. I know fine well that their drive will see them far more successful than I am in my career. I can't begrudge these people their success…no-one is successful by sitting around doing nothing (like me). But I suppose I can't help but feel a little jealous and left out. I don't know why cos I don't really seek status symbols or expensive things. I have enough money to get by and it does me. Maybe I subconsciously think that I'll gain easier acceptance in life if I had more money and status?
From what I've read, a lack of ambition isn't uncommon in people with Asperger Syndrome (AS) which does make me wonder if reports that Bill Gates has AS are true. It's no surprise that I'm not in contact with anyone I went to university with and for me that's a good thing. I really excelled at university and I don't think I could cope with hearing about the great careers of those who didn't do as well as me.
My lack of ambition is something that also troubles a little at work when it comes to "annual review" time. It's quite often that my employers seem frustrated that I'm happy where I am. When they say "where do you want to be in 5 years time" the answer in my head is "right where I am now" but I have to try and dress it up a little. I'll say that I enjoy my job and don't want to move to management as it would mean I couldn't do what I like, so I'd like to still be a programmer, but maybe a more senior one. Or whatever.
The other annoying thing is that fellow work colleagues are always trying to rope me into some scheme or idea they have and are working on outside of work. They recognise my abilities and want me on board. Truth be told my spare time is important to me. More important than making money on the side by giving it up to do more of what I do during the day. That's the big difference between me and most people I work with; they will happily work 9-5 then work 5-10 trying to get their own projects off the ground so they can start their own businesses…put effort in now and reap the benefits later. Me? I'm happy working 9-5 knowing I'll never be my own boss or rich, so long as when I leave work my time is my own.
It's not something that's frequently on my mind, but it does get to me when I see ambition in others. Others who I know aren't as skilled as myself. I know fine well that their drive will see them far more successful than I am in my career. I can't begrudge these people their success…no-one is successful by sitting around doing nothing (like me). But I suppose I can't help but feel a little jealous and left out. I don't know why cos I don't really seek status symbols or expensive things. I have enough money to get by and it does me. Maybe I subconsciously think that I'll gain easier acceptance in life if I had more money and status?
From what I've read, a lack of ambition isn't uncommon in people with Asperger Syndrome (AS) which does make me wonder if reports that Bill Gates has AS are true. It's no surprise that I'm not in contact with anyone I went to university with and for me that's a good thing. I really excelled at university and I don't think I could cope with hearing about the great careers of those who didn't do as well as me.
My lack of ambition is something that also troubles a little at work when it comes to "annual review" time. It's quite often that my employers seem frustrated that I'm happy where I am. When they say "where do you want to be in 5 years time" the answer in my head is "right where I am now" but I have to try and dress it up a little. I'll say that I enjoy my job and don't want to move to management as it would mean I couldn't do what I like, so I'd like to still be a programmer, but maybe a more senior one. Or whatever.
The other annoying thing is that fellow work colleagues are always trying to rope me into some scheme or idea they have and are working on outside of work. They recognise my abilities and want me on board. Truth be told my spare time is important to me. More important than making money on the side by giving it up to do more of what I do during the day. That's the big difference between me and most people I work with; they will happily work 9-5 then work 5-10 trying to get their own projects off the ground so they can start their own businesses…put effort in now and reap the benefits later. Me? I'm happy working 9-5 knowing I'll never be my own boss or rich, so long as when I leave work my time is my own.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Education, education, education
I think I'm pretty much the last of the people to be educated for free in my country. When I was growing up, everyone went from school to university all for free. Then the government started to introduce fees. They started prohibitively high, and then got upped to being preposterously high. These fees are either paid by parents, or just plunge the student into debt. Nowadays the average university leaver is about £10,000 or so in debt. Great way to start your career, huh?
But I digress. I don't remember much about primary school, I don't remember much from early childhood in general. Other than remembering that people who were 16 were really old, and people who were 20 were ancient. I do remember secondary school fairly well, although throughout my whole education I hadn't yet been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS).
Secondary school was where people really started to form friendships, "relationships" even, but that was rare. There were cliques and in-crowds. I had people I mucked around with, but not many, I tended to latch onto single friends. I was never popular, liked by some but actively disliked by many. I think this was probably down to the fact that I hadn't fully learned to be acceptably sociable. I was still saying things without really thinking, offending people left right and centre. I was also developing quite a strong moral code (something else popular among people with AS), a code that seemed to get a lot of people's backs up, especially the teachers. I couldn't stand to see favouritism or double standards, and always vocally fought it. It was at secondary school that I really started to feel like an outsider, to feel that no-one else was like me.
As well as the confusing social side of school, there was the academic side. I wasn't a brilliant student, but I was better than average. They didn't teach any form of computers at my school, so I couldn't study that. However I did take an interest in physics, and I was ok at maths too. I was beginning to learn that if I didn't like a subject I found it very very hard to concentrate. My mind easily wandered and after every parent's evening my folks would come back saying the teachers all said I was "clever but easily distracted".
As I was quite gifted with computers I think my parents thought I was academically gifted in general and super intelligent. Of course the truth was somewhat different, so it did cause some friction. My teachers were saying I was intelligent but didn't apply myself, my parents could see I was exceptional with computers, yet my grades were average to slightly above average. It was a time of many conflicts; I really didn't enjoy school at all.
I was really just waiting for university to start, as it would give me an opportunity to study something I was interested in - all I'd ever wanted to do was work with computers. I was also looking forward to being in a more mature learning environment, mingling with like-minded intellectuals all chasing the same dream.
How naive. University was just high school, only the people had different names and different faces. The only difference was that we were now treated like "adults", and that meant that people could get away with a lot more as you can't give adults a "telling off". While I was working on my projects, my peers were in the student bar. As deadlines neared I had my coursework all handed in, but I was usually the only one. Everyone else started their work the week before the deadline, then complained to the lecturer the day before the deadline to say that they need more time. As everyone was doing it the lecturers always gave in. Not one ever thought to say "well AS4L handed his coursework in two weeks ago so I think you do have enough time". Instead people just got extensions and leeway. Obviously this irked my strong moral code.
People also formed cliques and groups, and things were even more social than school. There were always nights out, parties etc etc. Of course I was never invited to any of them. University left me quite jaded and disillusioned, I thought for once in my life I'd be among like-minded folk, folk like me. Folk for whom socialising isn't everything. It was beginning to dawn on me just how different I was.
Not everyone at university was a waste of space, there were some who were interested in doing well academically ("nerds" I guess you could call them) but they bothered me in their own way. This was the first time I'd met people who were ambitious and talked about what they wanted to do when they left university. They were driven in a way I wasn't (I was obsessed by computers, not driven with them), they had their eyes on the prize and it made me feel quite uncomfortable. Jealous even.
The lowest point of university was the year out in industry we had to do. We had to find a placement, a real job in a real company. My lack of ambition meant I didn't get many interviews, and awful people skills meant I didn't get the jobs for the ones I did interview for. It looked like I was not going to get a placement at all, but I was thrown a pity line at the last minute. A place about 900 miles from where I lived was willing to take me on. I didn't want to move so far away (the money was a pittance too) so I turned it down. However I got a call from someone quite senior at the university who was rather insistant that I take the offer. So I did.
I said previously that I found it hard to get motivated for something I didn't enjoy…boy was that about to hit home. As this was scraping the barrel, the job was very little to do with what I was studying for my degree. I was hardly coding at all and found the job very boring. It was split between two locations so I often said I was at one when I should have been at the other. The reality was that I was often still in bed. It was an aspect of my personality that I really hated. I knew that if I wanted a job in the real world I would have to actually do the work, but I found motivation so hard to come by. I wasn't learning anything and I was 900 miles from home, I wasn't really enjoying it.
Apart from the work, it was the first time in my life that I was in a new town not knowing anyone. I was actually enjoying that aspect of it, being on my own. Always able to do my own thing. I was always at clubs and music venues, or going to the cinema or just wandering around. I was really beginning to explore my anti-social nature, beginning to indulge it. Work was less than happy, though…beginning to realise how often I was actually absent. After six months I'd had enough and told work that I was leaving. The university was furious, but I didn't care. I returned home, dossed for the next 6 months then went back to finish my degree. Of course when university started back everyone was full of stories about how great their placement was, how much they'd learned, how they had job offers for when they'd done their degree. Once more I was left feeling jealous and bitter.
Leaving university firmly behind me I took my education door to door, trying to find a job. However that was only another hurdle I had yet to discover…I was still rubbish at interviews. I always passed the technical part, but failed the call-back when you have to speak to the HR manager, or the MD or something. To this day the only jobs I have ever got have been from interviews that have been purely technical, focusing on what you can and can't do.
It's been a struggle, but I came through it in the end and it all taught me a lot about myself and my capabilities. My strengths and weaknesses.
But I digress. I don't remember much about primary school, I don't remember much from early childhood in general. Other than remembering that people who were 16 were really old, and people who were 20 were ancient. I do remember secondary school fairly well, although throughout my whole education I hadn't yet been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS).
Secondary school was where people really started to form friendships, "relationships" even, but that was rare. There were cliques and in-crowds. I had people I mucked around with, but not many, I tended to latch onto single friends. I was never popular, liked by some but actively disliked by many. I think this was probably down to the fact that I hadn't fully learned to be acceptably sociable. I was still saying things without really thinking, offending people left right and centre. I was also developing quite a strong moral code (something else popular among people with AS), a code that seemed to get a lot of people's backs up, especially the teachers. I couldn't stand to see favouritism or double standards, and always vocally fought it. It was at secondary school that I really started to feel like an outsider, to feel that no-one else was like me.
As well as the confusing social side of school, there was the academic side. I wasn't a brilliant student, but I was better than average. They didn't teach any form of computers at my school, so I couldn't study that. However I did take an interest in physics, and I was ok at maths too. I was beginning to learn that if I didn't like a subject I found it very very hard to concentrate. My mind easily wandered and after every parent's evening my folks would come back saying the teachers all said I was "clever but easily distracted".
As I was quite gifted with computers I think my parents thought I was academically gifted in general and super intelligent. Of course the truth was somewhat different, so it did cause some friction. My teachers were saying I was intelligent but didn't apply myself, my parents could see I was exceptional with computers, yet my grades were average to slightly above average. It was a time of many conflicts; I really didn't enjoy school at all.
I was really just waiting for university to start, as it would give me an opportunity to study something I was interested in - all I'd ever wanted to do was work with computers. I was also looking forward to being in a more mature learning environment, mingling with like-minded intellectuals all chasing the same dream.
How naive. University was just high school, only the people had different names and different faces. The only difference was that we were now treated like "adults", and that meant that people could get away with a lot more as you can't give adults a "telling off". While I was working on my projects, my peers were in the student bar. As deadlines neared I had my coursework all handed in, but I was usually the only one. Everyone else started their work the week before the deadline, then complained to the lecturer the day before the deadline to say that they need more time. As everyone was doing it the lecturers always gave in. Not one ever thought to say "well AS4L handed his coursework in two weeks ago so I think you do have enough time". Instead people just got extensions and leeway. Obviously this irked my strong moral code.
People also formed cliques and groups, and things were even more social than school. There were always nights out, parties etc etc. Of course I was never invited to any of them. University left me quite jaded and disillusioned, I thought for once in my life I'd be among like-minded folk, folk like me. Folk for whom socialising isn't everything. It was beginning to dawn on me just how different I was.
Not everyone at university was a waste of space, there were some who were interested in doing well academically ("nerds" I guess you could call them) but they bothered me in their own way. This was the first time I'd met people who were ambitious and talked about what they wanted to do when they left university. They were driven in a way I wasn't (I was obsessed by computers, not driven with them), they had their eyes on the prize and it made me feel quite uncomfortable. Jealous even.
The lowest point of university was the year out in industry we had to do. We had to find a placement, a real job in a real company. My lack of ambition meant I didn't get many interviews, and awful people skills meant I didn't get the jobs for the ones I did interview for. It looked like I was not going to get a placement at all, but I was thrown a pity line at the last minute. A place about 900 miles from where I lived was willing to take me on. I didn't want to move so far away (the money was a pittance too) so I turned it down. However I got a call from someone quite senior at the university who was rather insistant that I take the offer. So I did.
I said previously that I found it hard to get motivated for something I didn't enjoy…boy was that about to hit home. As this was scraping the barrel, the job was very little to do with what I was studying for my degree. I was hardly coding at all and found the job very boring. It was split between two locations so I often said I was at one when I should have been at the other. The reality was that I was often still in bed. It was an aspect of my personality that I really hated. I knew that if I wanted a job in the real world I would have to actually do the work, but I found motivation so hard to come by. I wasn't learning anything and I was 900 miles from home, I wasn't really enjoying it.
Apart from the work, it was the first time in my life that I was in a new town not knowing anyone. I was actually enjoying that aspect of it, being on my own. Always able to do my own thing. I was always at clubs and music venues, or going to the cinema or just wandering around. I was really beginning to explore my anti-social nature, beginning to indulge it. Work was less than happy, though…beginning to realise how often I was actually absent. After six months I'd had enough and told work that I was leaving. The university was furious, but I didn't care. I returned home, dossed for the next 6 months then went back to finish my degree. Of course when university started back everyone was full of stories about how great their placement was, how much they'd learned, how they had job offers for when they'd done their degree. Once more I was left feeling jealous and bitter.
Leaving university firmly behind me I took my education door to door, trying to find a job. However that was only another hurdle I had yet to discover…I was still rubbish at interviews. I always passed the technical part, but failed the call-back when you have to speak to the HR manager, or the MD or something. To this day the only jobs I have ever got have been from interviews that have been purely technical, focusing on what you can and can't do.
It's been a struggle, but I came through it in the end and it all taught me a lot about myself and my capabilities. My strengths and weaknesses.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
The Devil's in the detail
One of the more positive aspects I feel Asperger Syndrome (AS) has left me with is an interest in detail. I can never just know that something works; I have to know how and why it works. This is great for my job with computers and I usually understand things at a level far deeper than most. When it comes to diagnosing a tricky problem, really understanding what is going on deep inside often helps.
It's not just computers either, my interest in the mechanics of things also runs to physics and the mechanics of the world at large. However (as with most things AS related) it does appear to be somewhat selective. I have no interest in chemistry or politics, and the mechanics of machinery is often lost on me.
I'm going to get on a bit of a high horse for a second, but I think it's important that people take an interest in the world around them and how it works. It angers me when people don't take an interest in the news, or don't seem to care about gaining knowledge. Some people even revel in it as if it's a good thing! It's one of the things that separate us from the animals, and you should always be striving to improve yourself. It also angers me when people are so quick to believe things they hear without first researching it. Gullible idiots who believe the claims from the health industry are one of my biggest bugbears. I'm not asking that you gain a PhD in biology, but at least research the basic facts about how your body works, then you won't waste your time doing 50 sit-ups a day thinking it'll give you a flat stomach.
As well as being interested in the details of how things work, I also seem to focus on smaller aspects of a bigger thing. Like if I'm looking at a big vehicle I'm usually looking in detail at an aspect of the engine, the interior, the suspension. I'll note the width and profile of the tyres, how much tread there is and the tread patterns on the tyre. Obviously this isn't beneficial to anything, but I think it's all tied in to the same thing.
It's not just computers either, my interest in the mechanics of things also runs to physics and the mechanics of the world at large. However (as with most things AS related) it does appear to be somewhat selective. I have no interest in chemistry or politics, and the mechanics of machinery is often lost on me.
I'm going to get on a bit of a high horse for a second, but I think it's important that people take an interest in the world around them and how it works. It angers me when people don't take an interest in the news, or don't seem to care about gaining knowledge. Some people even revel in it as if it's a good thing! It's one of the things that separate us from the animals, and you should always be striving to improve yourself. It also angers me when people are so quick to believe things they hear without first researching it. Gullible idiots who believe the claims from the health industry are one of my biggest bugbears. I'm not asking that you gain a PhD in biology, but at least research the basic facts about how your body works, then you won't waste your time doing 50 sit-ups a day thinking it'll give you a flat stomach.
As well as being interested in the details of how things work, I also seem to focus on smaller aspects of a bigger thing. Like if I'm looking at a big vehicle I'm usually looking in detail at an aspect of the engine, the interior, the suspension. I'll note the width and profile of the tyres, how much tread there is and the tread patterns on the tyre. Obviously this isn't beneficial to anything, but I think it's all tied in to the same thing.
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
How to win friends and influence people
I'll say upfront that my Asperger Syndrome (AS) is on the milder end of the scale. I'm not a shut-in, I don't live with my parents, I'm not a virgin, I can get a bus if I have to, I can go to new places if I need to. In fact I live on my own, I have a good job and always have had, I drive quite a desirable and expensive car, and I have a girlfriend (chicks dig fast cars).
I don't want to pander to stereotypes, but…yes, computers are my thing. I've been blessed in that from a very early age I've always known that I've wanted to work with computers. It's been a blessing as there are so many people who just don't know what they want to do with their lives and they drift from career to career, being the master of none. Not for me. One aspect of AS is that you often have concentrated and singular interests and computers is it for me. From year dot I have been fascinated by computers. Not just fascinated but very good at it too. You see, another aspect of AS is your thinking and problem solving processes, they're often "out of the box" and that helps immensely with computers.
There were always computers in my house. My dad had one and when I still thought Father Christmas was real I too had one. Sure, I played games and pretended it was helping me with my schoolwork, who didn't? But I also delved into programming and really tearing the thing apart (not literally). I've always had a great need to know how things work at the detail level. I don't just want to know what works, I want to know why it works and how it works.
At school age I continued with computers in my spare time cos there were no computer classes available at my school. After school I went on to study programming at university and in the first year I didn't learn anything I hadn't already taught myself. I stuck university out and graduated top of the year and have had a small string of programming jobs since.
Computers are still obvious to me, and while my skills have been described in all manners of hyperbole I still see computers as easy and simple. I've never met a problem I can't solve and often come up with wild and varied solutions. I'm methodical and pay a lot of attention to detail. No mater the company I work for I always rise quickly to the top and I'm always the "go to" guy when you have a problem you just can't solve. Am I super intelligent? No, my brain is just wired differently. I sometimes get frustrated that my co-workers can't see the solution to problems that I often see as obvious, but I'm always just glad to help.
Not to say that work is plain-sailing. Not by a long shot. I have the obvious problems of eye contact and social issues (my boss has told me at annual reviews that he feels I am aloof). I'm also a big procrastinator and don't deal well with changes in tasks. Once I start something I like to finish it, but the nature of my job means that I can be pulled off something to work briefly on something else then have to go back to what I was doing. I hate having to deal with people on the phone and I also get bored very very easily and spend a lot of time just goofing off and mucking around. If I'm doing something new and interesting I can stick at it, but a lot of the time I'm working at a much-reduced rate cos I find what I'm doing boring and I'm easily distracted. Funnily enough that is something my teachers always wrote on my report card…easily distracted. I felt at university too I struggled really badly with subjects I wasn't interested in or didn't see the use of.
I couldn't do without work though. If I won the lottery I would still work. It aids my social world quite a lot, cos if you think about it you can have occasional 5 minute chats here and there at the water cooler or wherever. You can go to lunch with people if you want, take breaks with them if you want, and go for a drink after work if you want. It allows me to be as social or as ant-social as I want. My workmates and my girlfriend are really the only people I ever deal with.
So you can have AS and have what some might consider a successful life, but there is no guarantee of this at all. I was lucky in that I can make a career from my interest, but your special interest might be the cigars most loved by Winston Churchill, and if it is you're kinda screwed.
I don't want to pander to stereotypes, but…yes, computers are my thing. I've been blessed in that from a very early age I've always known that I've wanted to work with computers. It's been a blessing as there are so many people who just don't know what they want to do with their lives and they drift from career to career, being the master of none. Not for me. One aspect of AS is that you often have concentrated and singular interests and computers is it for me. From year dot I have been fascinated by computers. Not just fascinated but very good at it too. You see, another aspect of AS is your thinking and problem solving processes, they're often "out of the box" and that helps immensely with computers.
There were always computers in my house. My dad had one and when I still thought Father Christmas was real I too had one. Sure, I played games and pretended it was helping me with my schoolwork, who didn't? But I also delved into programming and really tearing the thing apart (not literally). I've always had a great need to know how things work at the detail level. I don't just want to know what works, I want to know why it works and how it works.
At school age I continued with computers in my spare time cos there were no computer classes available at my school. After school I went on to study programming at university and in the first year I didn't learn anything I hadn't already taught myself. I stuck university out and graduated top of the year and have had a small string of programming jobs since.
Computers are still obvious to me, and while my skills have been described in all manners of hyperbole I still see computers as easy and simple. I've never met a problem I can't solve and often come up with wild and varied solutions. I'm methodical and pay a lot of attention to detail. No mater the company I work for I always rise quickly to the top and I'm always the "go to" guy when you have a problem you just can't solve. Am I super intelligent? No, my brain is just wired differently. I sometimes get frustrated that my co-workers can't see the solution to problems that I often see as obvious, but I'm always just glad to help.
Not to say that work is plain-sailing. Not by a long shot. I have the obvious problems of eye contact and social issues (my boss has told me at annual reviews that he feels I am aloof). I'm also a big procrastinator and don't deal well with changes in tasks. Once I start something I like to finish it, but the nature of my job means that I can be pulled off something to work briefly on something else then have to go back to what I was doing. I hate having to deal with people on the phone and I also get bored very very easily and spend a lot of time just goofing off and mucking around. If I'm doing something new and interesting I can stick at it, but a lot of the time I'm working at a much-reduced rate cos I find what I'm doing boring and I'm easily distracted. Funnily enough that is something my teachers always wrote on my report card…easily distracted. I felt at university too I struggled really badly with subjects I wasn't interested in or didn't see the use of.
I couldn't do without work though. If I won the lottery I would still work. It aids my social world quite a lot, cos if you think about it you can have occasional 5 minute chats here and there at the water cooler or wherever. You can go to lunch with people if you want, take breaks with them if you want, and go for a drink after work if you want. It allows me to be as social or as ant-social as I want. My workmates and my girlfriend are really the only people I ever deal with.
So you can have AS and have what some might consider a successful life, but there is no guarantee of this at all. I was lucky in that I can make a career from my interest, but your special interest might be the cigars most loved by Winston Churchill, and if it is you're kinda screwed.
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