Sunday, 6 June 2010

My telephone poles, my dark trenches, my broken windows, my park benches

Well my holiday is almost all but over and it's been a journey of mixed emotions. I really enjoyed by trip back to my home city, however it only reminded me how much I'd love to live in a big city again, a thriving city full of things to do and places to go. It is a city of options and opportunities. A place one could truly get lost. I did have one "AS moment" though when my companion and I tried to get into a particular bar one evening. I did what I normally do…head down and no eye contact as my companion satisfied the social requirements of entering the premises. I could hear the usual pawns being exchanged such as "Y'all right?" and I stood, fixed on the door waiting for the bouncer to open it. Then an unusual move, "Y'all right?" I know enough that "Y'all right" is rhetorical and never repeated so I looked at the bouncer who was staring right at me with incredible intent. "Y'all right?" "Yeah" I said and tried for a moment to be "normal", I looked him in the eye and answered "yeah mate". He stared suspiciously then said to my companion "Not tonight…yeah?" and with that we left. I'm guessing he took my lack of eye contact to be a deliberate attempt to conceal some form of narcotics use and my detachment from the world as being the smoking gun. The irony was that I was stone cold sober, I was just being me.

That aside, during my long-weekend back home I really felt that I had re-gained something that I'd lost since my diagnosis. I spent a long time in the company of others and of course there were lots of silences…I doubt I'm ever going to be a social butterfly and unless it is a topic I'm interested in conversation will always dry. But I pretty much pulled it off. If I ever revealed my dirty secret I doubt they'd be surprised, I don't think "but you seem so normal" would be the first thing they'd say. I did re-discover some confidence though and I came back feeling quite happy and pleased.

Though naturally I was still delighted to get back, back to my current home, my current town. By the end of the week I was even actually enjoying my time off. I was enjoying just pottering around and not doing a lot. Enjoying not having the stress of work. That didn't last though…come Saturday I started feeling a lot of anxiety, and today was no different. I've been anxious all day, pacing up and down, every second feeling like an hour. This is all too familiar to me…that wait for Monday when I can recommence my routine of work and gym. Only then will my happiness return. It's not just the anxiety though…everything has fallen apart. In the week since my holiday started everything has broken…my flat is a tip, clothes are everywhere, nothing has been done, dishes are piling up, rubbish is piling up. I'm just watching the clock, for tomorrow will be truly magical.

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