Friday, 15 October 2010

Secret house against the world

There is an aspect of my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) that I still haven't come to terms with, or decided on how to handle. At work today there was a presentation at the end of the day at the local pub and when it was done everyone hung around and within moments the whole place was just like any other weekend view...everyone was chatting or waiting at the bar and smiling and mingling. There is a yearning in me to fit in, an aching almost. These opportunities don't come along often and I always tell myself to grasp them when they do. Here it was...and there was I...on the outside, not really knowing what to do with myself. Not really knowing how to inject myself anywhere, not knowing how to act or what to say. Not really wanting to either. As the chatting rose to white noise I did what I always do; I left to come home and be on my own.

I feel this constant jealousy and I'm not sure why. I don't enjoy socialising so why am I jealous? I don't really like talking to people so why do I care? It's like I'm a small child who only wants a certain toy because someone else is playing with it. I don't think it's the socialising I'm jealous of, I think I'm just grieving for normality. I see people be happy, I see people enjoy themselves and I think that's what I actually want. I don't really care what it is that they are doing that makes them happy, I just want to be happy too and this is how others seem to do it. Their lives all seem so full. My life is filled like darkness fills a room, like silence fills a forest.

I also know this girl I asked out is going to end up going out with someone else from work. They'll meet the way normal people meet, while socialising outside of work where hair is down and happiness high. That will just be another constant reminder of my failures.

This inability to handle group social situations is the last thread I'm hanging onto. I still keep trying it and I still keep failing. I don't know if one day I'll just officially give up and stop trying, I mean I might as well. But something inside me doesn't want to. It's almost like trying this is the last thing I have and turning my back on it means having turned my back on everything. There will be nothing left and I will have officially given up on life. Thrown in the towel. Admitted defeat.

Coming home today I resolved to not even attend this year's work Christmas Party... like the end is drawing near already. I know I still have some fight left, so I'm going to try and go to the Christmas Party and just hope it isn't the final nail in the coffin. I also mulled over my decision about not telling anyone about my AS. Sometimes I want to...but then I ask myself what good it will do and the answer is "probably none". I ask myself how I'll ever know unless I try? Ultimately though it always, always comes back to the same thing...information is one way - once you've told someone something you can't ever take that back. If I was to "come out" at work and there were downsides then I'm stuck with those downsides. It's just too important, this secret is something I can't afford to gamble with. Something people can just never know. I'll just continue to carry its crushing weight.


Sarah said...

Believe me when I say, they are not always as it seems enjoying themselves. It can all be very pretentious and I'm sure with your gift of asperger's (my nephew has this and is a breath of fresh air with his knowledge) you would spot the office clown! LOL! I used to be very sociable and life and soul of the party, then one day I thought, you know what, let someone else be their entertainment. I then saw a completely different side to after work do's. When you feel comfortable, attend and be yourself. Everyone has their insecurities, some are just better at hiding them. Love your blog!!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever read The Incipient Turvey blog? "M" the author is an Aspie who blogs about these EXACT same feelings, and seems to have found a way out. You might find it beneficial to reach out to a fellow secret holder.

I'm an Aspie who also happens to suffer from depression. I know how dark it can get. I think I had friends once, but I'm pretty sure I don't have any right now. It's unsettling. Don't give up. My mom and my shrink keep telling me that I'm looking for friends "in all the wrong places". What they're trying to say is that, I'm trying to do it the NT way, but I'm not an NT. I think there's validity in that. I don't have time to attend lectures or find someplace to engage in intellectually stimulating conversation right now, so I'll have to stick to my home and family. But my husband and I are both Aspies who found each other. It's out there, keep at it. It will come, and good luck.

Beastinblack said...

I end up admitting defeat, im pretty good at 1 to 1 interaction though so in group situations I tend to pick one person and stick talking to them. If I was to be myself at work I would get the sack pretty soon - not because I am awful but simply WEIRD.