I'm an Asperger in Neuro-typical world

The world is moving on but not always in ways that are compatible with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). I've been interested in computers and electronic games from their very beginning when the gods at Atari gave us Space Invaders, Pac Man, River Raid, Missile Command and Pitfall. I've stayed with games and computers through the Amstrad CPC, Amiga, then onto PCs and XBOXs. However now games seem to be all about "multi-player", with some games even being multi-player only. I'm fine with games having a multi-player element, but it seems there are forces at work in the games industry to make games only about multiplayer. It's like some self-serving gaming guru has decreed that multi-player is the future and we will be beaten and cajoled until we are all heading in the "right" direction.

I don't want to play multi-player games. I don't want to be forced to communicate with someone over a headpiece to negotiate playing a game. While playing a game I don't want to have to be communicating with other people, either giving or taking instructions. It's not just the unwanted communication, but have you ever played games on-line? It is populated with netizens who are 12 years old and think that throwing racist or jingoistic abuse is funny. Then there is the whole aspect of actually getting a game. No "press A to start" here…oh no. You have to find a suitable "session" that you can join. Then you have to try and last 5 seconds before being booted from it. If you do get to join a game you can do badly and get booted, do well and get booted, or be mediocre and hope to last a few games…before being booted.

In my rare forays into multi-gaming I've always found it best to host my own games. That way I just let people play. If they're rubbish noobs I don't boot them, if they're 1337 and totally pwn me I still don't boot them. I like to be fair…but it's often not enough. You see people come to expect communication from you as the game host, such as unofficial rules or even what we want to play next. So people often don't stick around to play with me much.

Then there is the internet. Once a tool for researching movies, settling arguments and finding out the news of the day, it has now been taken over by "social networking". It's the latest bandwagon and there are many sites onboard. It seems you're nobody if you don't have a facebook account, or a myspace or bebo. No group of adults can be together for more than 5 minutes without talking about facebook, or their wall or their status. Every picture taken at a nightclub is on facebook no more than 20 minutes after being committed to the camera's memory. It's like the world's biggest club and I'm not invited.

And, like multi-player gaming, it seems there are forces at work that want to force you onto their bandwagon. Facebook has launched a technology called "connect" that lets you interact with third-party sites using your facebook details. Is their dream for the future one where everyone is on facebook? That it is all of our home pages?

I guess some people with AS would actually welcome this trend. Maybe I'm being too hasty. Maybe social networking on-line is a boon to those who can't do it in real life? Not for me, though, I seek the companionship of on-line people as much as I do real people. I would get no comfort from seeing all of my "friends" crammed into a box.

Still it's not all bad. Aren't self-service checkouts great? No people on the till, no small talk, no chatty checkout girls, no feeling that people are judging you by the "meals for one" that you're buying.

Lesser symptoms

Asperger's Syndrome (AS) has some quite fundamental affects on your life and some heavy bananas symptoms, but there are some lesser symptoms too. As I keep stressing, with AS not everyone will have these symptoms and others may have lesser symptoms that I don't have. However here are a few I haven't really covered before and don't really warrant their own individual postings.

A strange gait - I've kinda grown out of this a little, but when I was younger I had a very strange way of walking. I'd bounce up and down as I walked and it's another one of those symptoms that are visible to other people. As I've grown up I don't think I walk as bad, but I still walk funny. I hate catching a view of myself in a shop widow cos it reminds me how awkward I look.

Facial tics - again something visual, and something I've all but grown out of. I used to screw my face up either randomly or when stressed in some way. This tic was like a compulsion, and unless you've have a compulsion it's a hard thing to understand. It's like I just had to do it. When I knew I wanted to do it and focused so that I didn't, the more I'd focus the stronger the urge until I had to give in. I now do this sometimes, slightly, when exercising still but that's it.

Awful handwriting - my English teacher told me I have the writing of someone who hates to write. My handwriting has always been bad, so bad even I can't read it. Alas that has carried forward until today. I'm lucky in that I hardly ever have to write as I use computers all the time, and communicate via e-mail…and now that "chip 'n' pin" is here I hardly ever put pen to paper. I do have to take notes at meetings at work though and when I look back a few days later they might as well have been written by a chimp.

The strange thing about these lesser symptoms is that they are all noticeable by other people. Maybe the combination of all three (or four if you count the eye-contact issue) could be a way of possibly identifying people with AS just by observation alone? Maybe I have subconsciously worked at eliminating these as I've gotten older as a way of masking my autism?

Turn ons and turn offs

I'm a terrible procrastinator and rubbish at actually "doing" things. To attempt to combat this I'm trying to keep a list of things I need to do. Things I need to do around the house, or chores that need done, things that need bought, bills that need paid etc etc. When I do something I mark it off the list.

I can't say it's been a 100% success, but I suppose you have to start somewhere. It has definitely helped though, there were a few things I only did because they were on the list and I wanted to do my best to see all the items crossed off.

The things that seem to stay there the longest are anything that involves shopping or phoning people. I'm not overly bothered about shopping really, but it's not my favourite thing to do, and some shops are obviously easier than others. It could also be that my shopping procrastination might just be down to the time of year. Shops are too busy and too noisy at this time of year, and I'm very quick to just walk into a shop…turn around and walk right back out. I've also been a bit busy at the weekends too, so this weekend I'll be very pleased if I can clear all the shopping tasks from my list.

Tasks that involve phoning people though - I dunno, I think they're going to be there for a while. You gotta walk before you can run after all.

Now…if only I had a nice pen with which to maintain this list…

You only get one life

When I used to watch documentaries about people with disfigured faces, 3 legs, no arms, too much hair, allergic to the Sun etc…I would think how horrible it must be; imagine living such that you'll never know normal life. Your ailment is controlling your entire being and you'll never know what it's like to be normal. You only have one life, and yours is fucked. You must feel robbed and cheated. Bitter.

Growing Old

It's funny the things you do when you get older. For example this summer I bought some art. Now I'm not an "art" person, I don't go to art galleries, or museums. I've never read a book on art and if an art show come on TV I'll see if Mythbusters is on the other side. However there was an open-air art festival in the gardens where I live so, while on a Summer's walk down to the beach, I thought it would be rude not to at least swing by. There was lots of your usual stuff, the kind of amateur art I'd have expected to see, however there was someone doing portrait art who had such a unique, edgy style. He had a series of pictures and one really caught my eye. I went back the next day and it was still drawing me in so I decided to buy it.

My latest symptom of growing old is that I thought to myself "I could do with having a nice pen." Where this thought came from I just don't know. It seems that having "nice" things becomes more attractive to you the older you get. So I googled some nice pens and found the one I wanted and I knew of a shop in town that sold them, so I decided to stop by as I did other errands around town. I found the place that sells them and they were pretty much a top-end fancy-things place. They sold Rolex watches, Gucci watches and stuff like that. That was great but here's my problem…the way I look and dress I'd get thrown out of a homeless shelter, let alone a place where you can spend £500 on a set of cufflinks. Nonetheless I entered the dragon's den.

It was a fairly small shop and there were three desks dotted around that had well suited salespeople talking to well-heeled clients. It seems in a shop like this you don't pick what you want from the shelf and take it to the till…you need "consultation". I located the pen bit of the store but the woman was busy with some guy. Three watches lay on the leather-topped table as she talked to him about his work. Why this was necessary to buy a watch I don't really know. I guess it is their job to give their clients the whole personal shopping experience. Maybe he thought he was impressing the sales girl with his job, and his expensive taste in watches. Maybe he was hoping she would think he can take her away from all this and treat her like the princess she thinks she deserves to be. Take her away from the dreary, stuffy job…and, "that man". I skulked in the background but it wasn't a very welcoming place, the atmosphere wasn't one you wanted to drink in, and as no-one was free to "help" me I left and stood outside. I watched through the window for a while but the man didn't budge from his watch-buying. I guess buying a watch is a really big deal for some people. In the end I just bought a Biro.

Maybe nice pens just aren't for people like me? Maybe that's why fat businessmen with ugly wives have nice pens. I guess if you want a status symbol you have to start from the bottom and work your way up…a nice haircut, some expensive fragrance, an Armani suit…and maybe then I could walk into a nice shop and someone will want to help me. Even though you have the money to spend, people only want to take money from people who are playing the game.

Ho ho ho

I hate Christmas. I hate everything about it, from the 3 songs that play on a loop in every store you visit, to the massive queues when you're just there buying a movie to watch at the weekend, to the forced joviality and goodwill to all men. I hate the consumerism.

However I think everyone hates those things, well, a lot of people do anyway. Having Asperger Syndrome (AS) just adds another layer of misery on top. Obviously the queues and the noise in shops mean that shopping for anything is off the agenda until after the January Sales. I'm terribly impractical and a chronic procrastinator so I always leave buying gifts etc to the last second. But the worst thing is having to deal with other people…their wants and needs and expectations. Every year I want to tell people "don't get me anything and I won't get you anything". If I want something I'll buy it. I don't "get anything" from the act of giving or the act of receiving. The only thing I get is stress and anxiety and the fear that people don't like/want what you get them, and having to pretend you like/want what you're given. It's such a sham, why do people do it year after year after year?

Plus nothing is more miserable than being alone on Christmas. AS or not.

It's not just Christmas though, it's my birthday too. I don't tell anyone when it is, mainly because I don't like being the centre of attention, even if it's just 5 minutes of attention. I'd rather not have it. My birthday is just another day. When it is someone's birthday at work it is always made known in advance and there are whip rounds, cards, cakes to be bought, drinks after work that lead on to clubs etc etc. I can do without it all. It's usually not before long that people realise they don't know when my birthday is and ask. I just tell them that I don't celebrate it.

Seven for a secret, never to be told

I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS) quite late in life. As an adult it has been my choice who to tell and who not to tell. It's a horrible responsibility, as information is one way. Once you tell someone something you can't take that back. Having AS isn't just something you might feel embarrassed about…it can have legal repercussions with your employment and might even change forever how people treat you.

To this day only two people know I have AS (three if you count my psych, but she doesn't count). Someone in America that I communicate with via e-mail (how very AS) and my then girlfriend. No-one at work knows, even my parents don't know. The thing is, I've lived many many years like this, so why bother changing? What will it change if people know? I'm sure most people in my life think I'm odd in some way…so I could tell them I have AS and it would answer their questions…but would anything change? Would it stop me being odd? No, so why bother?

If anything it is the fact that things might change that I don't want. I'd hate to feel people are patronising me. I'd hate for people to ask me things, or to do something then pause and add "Is that…ok? You know…with your…'thing'?"

My sister is dyslexic (my family has such great genes) yet she chose to pursue English at university. She made it…but with a lot of help. People had to constantly bend over backwards, give her more time for exams, allow her to resit if she failed, extra tuition etc etc etc. I'd hate that. If my AS stops me doing something I'd rather not do it, than do it only because others make allowances for me.

If I were so inclined, it would probably make things easier at work. AS is a registered disability in my country, and "we" have protection against discrimination. So I could ask my boss that I'd rather e-mail clients than phone them, I could ask for allowances for being taken off one thing and put on something else as I find it hard to switch tasks. There are lots of things I could ask for…if I were so inclined. But it would move me from being "disadvantaged" to being "a victim".