Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Going nowhere

I've mentioned a few times that I have a talent with computers, and I've been quite lucky in that it has given me a steady career with a good salary. I do often feel like I'm wasting my talents…and often it is other people telling me I'm wasting them. My problem is that I have no real ambition.

It's not something that's frequently on my mind, but it does get to me when I see ambition in others. Others who I know aren't as skilled as myself. I know fine well that their drive will see them far more successful than I am in my career. I can't begrudge these people their success…no-one is successful by sitting around doing nothing (like me). But I suppose I can't help but feel a little jealous and left out. I don't know why cos I don't really seek status symbols or expensive things. I have enough money to get by and it does me. Maybe I subconsciously think that I'll gain easier acceptance in life if I had more money and status?

From what I've read, a lack of ambition isn't uncommon in people with Asperger Syndrome (AS) which does make me wonder if reports that Bill Gates has AS are true. It's no surprise that I'm not in contact with anyone I went to university with and for me that's a good thing. I really excelled at university and I don't think I could cope with hearing about the great careers of those who didn't do as well as me.

My lack of ambition is something that also troubles a little at work when it comes to "annual review" time. It's quite often that my employers seem frustrated that I'm happy where I am. When they say "where do you want to be in 5 years time" the answer in my head is "right where I am now" but I have to try and dress it up a little. I'll say that I enjoy my job and don't want to move to management as it would mean I couldn't do what I like, so I'd like to still be a programmer, but maybe a more senior one. Or whatever.

The other annoying thing is that fellow work colleagues are always trying to rope me into some scheme or idea they have and are working on outside of work. They recognise my abilities and want me on board. Truth be told my spare time is important to me. More important than making money on the side by giving it up to do more of what I do during the day. That's the big difference between me and most people I work with; they will happily work 9-5 then work 5-10 trying to get their own projects off the ground so they can start their own businesses…put effort in now and reap the benefits later. Me? I'm happy working 9-5 knowing I'll never be my own boss or rich, so long as when I leave work my time is my own.

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