Saturday, 20 June 2009

Piecemeal we die

Things are not going so good right now. Nothing major; no-one has died, helicopters do not need deployed and my DVD player is working fine. In fact I can't really put my finger on one single thing, it's just the culmination of lots of little things. I think this is what doctors refer to as depression.

The venue I go to at the weekend has now closed down so it's a major blow to a lot of things in my life. My routine, the fact that if I ever left the house at the weekend then 70% of the time that was where I went, I could fit in there, there were interesting people to watch, I liked the music...they had a pool table. What am I going to do at the weekend now? The only other pubs are those ghastly ones that play dance music and are populated by "lads" in this stupid uniform they all have at the weekend where everyone wants to wear the same clothes. I'm going to have to find a new pub now, form a new routine.

There is a nice music festival that happens around this time of year that I always go to. It's local so I can walk, have a drink and just chill. I checked the internet to see when it was on this year...this weekend! So I missed today's event totally but I'll go to tomorrow's. I just hope the weather is fine. I am supposed to be going to someone else's BBQ but I'm going to cancel that. I'll have to lie about the reason I can't go because;

a) they will want to come with me to the festival
b) I'm a horrible person

I'm actually writing this at work right now. Something else I'm hating in my life. I work too much, I care too much...I spend time running after people who don't care, do sloppy work and have no attention to detail. I shouldn't care as much as I do but I can't help it. I should be like everyone a bad job, enjoy myself at the weekend then come in on Monday to find out some schmuck gave up his weekend to fix my work. I should be out and about at the weekend relaxing and doing what I want, or doing nothing. Not at work the whole time, I never seem to get to rest.

I have stuff I need to do for other people but haven't yet done. I always tell myself I'll do it at the weekend, then I spend my weekend in work and don't feel like it. I start to go for long periods with my phone off, I stop checking my e-mail. One of these days I'm going to buy a sandwich board that says "LEAVE ME ALONE".

I can feel myself slipping away. Giving up. Resigning.


indigo said...

hey AS-4-L

i do this too. i relate to what you're saying.

it ebbs and flows but the phone gets ignored, the door goes unanswered, i walk around for days avoiding eye contact, too overwhelmed by the investment of energy required for human interaction. i don't mean anyone any harm, but i resent anyone having expectations of me.

you are not a horrible person.

Beastinblack said...

Bloody hell sounds exactly like me, hermit mode! On a side note My routine was destroyed recently, lost my motorcycle license cos I had a seizure at work a couple of weeks ago. My mind has turned to mush.

Ditto to what you said as well indigo. My manager wants a doctors report about my aspergers, its doing my head in.

AS-4-L said...

Damn, losing my license would hit me pretty hard. Hopefully your health problems aren't too bad and there is something that can be done to help.