In my previous blog I detailed things I'm not very good at with forms of instant communication. I much prefer communication by e-mail as I can sit and think and go over and revise and re-edit. I can keep going over to make sure I have a balance of providing information while still showing interest in the other person. It's a skill I think I'm quite good at as people have complimented me on my written communication. I just can't do it in an actual conversation while thinking on my feet.
I was quite annoyed at myself recently as I have been exchanging emails with someone [no-one who reads this, by the way, so don't worry :) ] and I think the exchange has been going quite well. However I rebooted my machine (I usually leave it on but re-boot once a week) and MSN did its usual thing of logging me on automatically and before I could log off this person pops up on it. Oh s**t. I really didn't want an MSN conversation with this person as I knew it would undo the e-mail groundwork I had been laying down. Anyway, we chatted for a bit and things were ok and I was getting to enjoy it, then conversation started to drop off then the excuse as to why they had to terminate the chat came. I know I should have called it off sooner myself, but I'm terrible at "making excuses", I always feel guilty for doing it. What then followed was my usual trick of pouring over what was said, where I think I could have done better and basically beating myself up over it. I guess the proof of the pudding will be the next e-mail I get from them, if any.
I'm coming to terms with my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and this person is the third person I've told that I have AS (outside of my autistic circle) so why can't I just be honest? Why can't I say "look…the truth of the matter is that MSN logged me on automatically and I'm not that keen about chatting on MSN, I much prefer e-mail. Nothing to do with you, it's just the way I am with my AS". I think I still have an issue admitting weaknesses to other people, admitting I'm not normal and asking for special treatment. I think I am always going to be my own worse enemy.