Will the truth set us free?

I engineered a game of pool with a friend so that I could discuss my recent relationship issues. I value his input as he's not the sort to just tell me what I want to hear, he'll tell me what he really thinks. He is my link to the normal world, the normal way of thinking. He lets me know when my thinking is just out of kilter with everyone else.

Maybe the most telling moment was when he stopped me mid-flow over something in particular, and injected; "AS4L...you're using your logic again, not everything is black and white." People seem to be telling me that with increasing frequency throughout my life.

I suspected he wouldn't be "on my side" over everything, but sometimes I was left a bit surprised...things that I thought I was definitely in the right about, or thought my thinking was sound on, he was keen to correct me.

Ah well. It was enlightening in some ways, depressing in some ways too. I always say that making mistakes is ok as long as you learn from them, but I'm not sure if these things are things I can work on and look to maybe act differently with in the future. Only time will tell.

The bottom of the spiral

Long time, no blog. The last few weeks of my life have been a bit of a train wreck. I haven't gone to the gym for three weeks, haven't been sober one night in the last two weeks. I'm not sure I can sink any further so it's time to think about getting back on track.

The girl I talked about in a previous blog...yeah we kind of got back together. I'm weak, sue me. Only things have come to an end again, and once more I am feeling completely unlovable and that I should just resign myself to being alone forever. Going out with her made me feel even more isolated than I felt before, but I've felt that before, only not as strongly.

Even though I know she is no good for me, I am still having problems dealing with it. It's like I'll put up with anything just to not be alone and that's a terrible thing to admit...but I suppose it's true. On a similar theme, it seems I just can't formally criticise someone or point out their faults even when they point out mine. It's almost as if I'll accept being walked all over rather than risk the chance of burning bridges. I'll also back to some other familiar ground, of wondering how much of this is "my fault" and how much "her fault".

For teh lulz

I've written a few times about Gary McKinnon who is fighting extradition to the US over accusations of hacking. Well there is a group of hackers who have been gaining notoriety over the last month or so, and police in the UK have arrested someone in connection with those activities.

And guess what?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13916090

Yep, he has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Now what is interesting is that it is only since his arrest that he has been diagnosed. I'm already uneasy about Gary McKinnon using his AS as a form of excuse, or tool to evade justice or lesson his punishment, but this is something else altogether. How can you get a diagnosis that quick? Is this a new form of "ambulance chasing"? If you are accused of a "nerd" crime, does your solicitor immediately get you diagnosed as having AS as a get-out-of-jail-free card? McKinnon's case is on-going and long, but this will be an interesting one to keep an eye on.

Autism File

I saw a programme called Autism File on a minority access channel so thought it was worth a watch. Oh dear. I really don't know where to begin. I'm not sure if every episode is like this, or if this was a themed special, but it seems female (mother) centric, and I always despair at anything that is mother-centric as you can guarantee it is merely playing on common guilt.

The segments were almost all diet-focused, with various mothers giving anecdotal evidence about how putting their child on various gluten-free, sugar-free, lactate-free, blah-free diets have improved things. It was basically saying that your child's issues are your fault because you are not buying the right things, you are not consuming the right things, you are not doing the right things. Needless to say there was no scientific evidence or explanation about anything that was said...but some things were very worrying indeed. Things like a mother saying their child was diagnosed as "severe Autistic", and since cutting gluten from his diet he as been reclassified as "mild Autistic". What is being implied here? That autism is caused by diet? Can be cured by diet? That if your child is not "getting better" it is because you aren't restricting their diet enough? Terrible, absolutely terrible.

Why can't people just accept that some things are how they are and not to do with consumption? Nothing to do with diet? That some things just can't be fixed?

Nerd Olympics

There was a documentary that followed the UK entrants to the International Mathematical Olympiad (IMO). It followed their preparations, their lives and what it meant to them. That's what it was billed as anyway...it turned out to be a documentary about Asperger's Syndrome (AS). It's a shame this wasn't reflected in the promotional material as a few people might have watched it where they otherwise didn't.

I'm sure this isn’t how it was intended, but of the key players some had AS diagnosis, some were undergoing diagnosis during the documentary, and for the rest AS wasn't even mentioned but they showed strong signs of it. The star of the show was a lad called Jos, who was so emotionally stunted that he functioned like a robot. Analysing family relationships on terms of material need. He said he was a rare thing; someone who was intelligent but not arrogant, yet he was the most arrogant person you've probably ever seen. However what I found quite interesting, was that he was also often wrong. His abilities didn't seem to match up to his boasts which isn't something I've ever associated with AS.

Another bit that amused me was the guy who was in the process of getting a diagnosis. For anyone who has done this you'll know that it's fairly drawn out, and sometimes almost impossible. Not when you're being filmed for a documentary though! The doctor doing the diagnosis was none other than Simon Baron-Cohen himself. After some scenes of discussion the Doctor then announces that the guy "clearly has Asperger's". It trivialised the whole process and made it look the easiest thing in the world to get a diagnosis. Anyone watching this documentary who then wishes to get a diagnosis themselves are going to be in for a shock.

The IMO is obviously open to many countries, with some doing better than others. China always puts in a strong team and always does exceptionally well. The question is, however, is this because their education system is much better than ours? Can the UK only compete in these things if we "use" people with Autism to bolster the ranks? Why can't we simply have intelligent, well-educated students like China does?

The Joy of Nothing

One thing that the analysis of my life has revealed is that I get pleasure from nothing. I simply exist. My life goes on from day to day. Today at work was a big company meeting that everyone laughed their way through and I sat there stony-faced. After work everyone hurried down to the pub, and I went and stood there stony-faced, on the peripheral. People must enjoy this stuff. They must get pleasure from the basic interaction they have with other people. It certainly can't be the conversation as that is functional and bland. Boring.

I can watch a mediocre show on Television and stay the distance, why can't I stand mediocre social gatherings? I guess it is because it is a constant slap in the face for me. A constant reminder of the normality that I will never know. The joys people get in such simple things that will forever elude me, making my life ultimately meaningless.

I stay for one drink (a "social" one...ha!) then head home. I stop by the alcohol shop on the way back because, truth be known, I don't even enjoy my own company. I hate being with other people and I hate being on my own, so drunken oblivion is my only realistic option.

Nothing to fear

I called it off with that girl I was seeing, so I am once more single and once more not getting any younger.

I think this is the first time I've ever really called off a relationship. I know I had only been seeing her about 4 months, but what is significant is that I didn't let the fear of being alone stop me. I looked at the relationship with honest eyes, and asked myself questions like "Are you happy?" "Does this person behave in a way you can tolerate?" I didn't go as far as making a "pro" and "con" list like they do on TV, but I weighed things up nonetheless and came to my decision.

Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Do I feel bad? Yes? Lonely? Yes. Do I have regrets? Sometimes...yes. Does part of me still wish I was in a relationship? Yes. Do I see hard times ahead? Yes. Do I think that maybe this was my last chance at having a relationship? Yes. Am I scared I will now be single forever? Yes. Am I happy now? No. Time heals all wounds though...and the most important thing in all of this is that for the first time I didn't let fear control me.

So where did this strength come from? I think it came from the fact that I am now finally comfortable with myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. And that has all come from my diagnosis.