How to get what you want

There is a series of TV programs running in the UK at the moment that is pseudo-science titillation dressed up as informational programming. It is called "How to get what you want" and features a team of people who can show you tips and tricks on how to be successful. Each show covers a different topic and not being very well equipped for life I thought it was the kind of thing that someone with Asperger's Syndrome should watch.

I recently caught the one on how to be successful with the opposite sex. Something I certainly need help with. The panel consisted of (and I quote) "a brain scientist" as well as your usual "relationship expert" and an expert on body language. The show comprised of information about how people's minds work and what behaviours they exhibit that they might not be aware of. They also ran a series of experiments to demonstrate various hypothesis.

What it didn't really do was tell you how to get what you want. It showed how people flirt what why they flirt and there was some explanation of what men look for in women and what women look for in men. The experiments involved a group of young, attractive 20-somethings in bar scenarios. However none of these people were being told what to do...everything they did was natural behaviour. So if we do these things naturally…what exactly is this show all about? I am guessing it is implying that if you're not successful with the opposite sex that maybe you are not doing these things so you should start doing them. In other words, be fake.

Other things that were revealed were how men concentrate on physical appearance when they first see a girl, but girls tend to draw conclusions about a man's personality from how he appears. They also demonstrated that first impressions can actually be changed so it is possible to turn someone around with conversation.

Regarding what a man wants, they want someone who looks young and healthy. So tips for women were to wear flattering clothes and make-up to enhance good features and cover bad ones. Wow, really? I'm sure that was a revelation for many. Regarding what a woman wants, they want a man to be masculine, broad-shouldered and have the appearance of someone who can protect and provide and is healthy. When it came to tips for men they fell short of saying you should hit the gym, they simply said that if your strengths are health, or youth you should show them. If you have wealth you should show that too.

Now my problem here is that I despise outward displays of personal attributes. I can't stand seeing guys in tight tops and vests showing off muscles. I can't stand people with flash jewellery and designer clothes. I think it is vulgar and shallow to behave that way. So is that why I'm not too successful with the ladies? Should I be spending my money on Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, an Armani suit and a Rolex watch? Yet again an advice show is telling me to attract women I'd have a better chance if I pretended I was someone I'm not. Is this how normal people behave?

Then in a display of serendipity I was watching another show where I gleam psychological knowledge of the workings of the woman's inner mind. It's called Take Me Out and comprises a line of about 30 girls each with a light to demonstrate they are still interested in the current male contestant. As each guy is introduced they have to endure a few rounds that include their introduction, a display of talent, sometimes their own VT or that from their family or friends. With each round the women turn off their lights if they are not interested. At the end if the guy still has girls with lights still on they can choose one to go on a date with.

On an episode I saw today a guy came out in his twenties I guess, not ugly but not the most attractive person on the planet either. He was dressed the way most contestants are, in jeans and a clean white cotton shirt. His hair was styled the same way most contestants have their hair styled. He was your common or garden guy…looks the same as every other guy. After the introduction a few girls turned their lights off. For the second round his "trick" or "talent" was simply to reveal that he was worth £10m. From that point on only two girls maybe turned their light off and similarly in subsequent rounds almost no-one turned their light off. Also from that point all he did was talk about money or his yacht or his lifestyle and how he has a lot of gold-diggers, how he wants to avoid gold-diggers blah blah blah. If you want to avoid gold-diggers why not just not tell people about your money?

Long story short, by the end of his rounds he had more lights still on than any other contestant I've ever seen. Yet if you asked women I'm sure they'd express utter revulsion at the idea that they'd date a man because he was rich. Yet here it was…spelled out in black and white. No matter what women say about how they're not shallow, and how money doesn't matter, here they were throwing themselves at a man who has done nothing but reveal he was rich.

I wonder if the Rolex shop is still open.