Apologies for my non-UK readers, and the 99% of UK readers who don't watch Big Brother :)
There are two people who are interesting me this year. Well, three. I am finding Faye interesting as she is quite emotional and seems rather sensitive, but what interests me about her is that when someone does something she doesn't like, or says something that upsets her, she will spend a few minutes on her own and then go and talk to that person to explain what they said/did and how it upset/offended her. I'm the exact opposite; I'm a brooder. I wonder if things would be better and easier if that is how I behaved. I sometimes think that when someone does something to upset me I should say, but every time it does happen, all those thoughts go out the window and I retreat into myself and the shutters come down.
The flip side is that other people seem to be reacting badly to her and think she is too emotional. So is this a better way to behave, or not? Or is there a happy medium?
Aaron is also interesting. I see a lot of myself in him; we both seem to take things very personally and are "sensitive" and easily offended on very deep levels. Like me, he is also a brooder rather than a talker. Again this behaviour is also starting to annoy various other people, mainly with his withdrawn nature.
As well as being deeply offended maybe more easily than I should be, I also see myself as being the only one ever hurt in a situation, and that other people are indifferent and not feeling the hurt that I am. And that seems to deepen my despair. Further I find myself more likely to withdraw from a situation or circle in order to remove myself from the hurting presence, yet the other party never seems to feel the need. Again this piles more onto my misery as I feel that I have to suffer and stop doing things or going places whereas others just don't seem to care. I don't know if they do care and are also hurting but are better at hiding it, or not being affected by it, or if I'm just always being "too sensitive".
Regardless, it seems I always end up the "loser" in any given situation, the one who always has to adjust and suffer, and I see that in Aaron too.
The third thing to interest me is something that I've always suspected, but it is nice to see it played out in flesh and blood. No matter how big a dick you are, as long as you're attractive women will forgive you anything.
Showing posts with label symptom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label symptom. Show all posts
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Passive aggressive
Two people were talking about me like I wasn't there.
"AS4L isn't very open, he's quite protective."
"I disagree, he's likely to get into trouble as he often just tells it how it is."
I guess they’re both right...I don't speak much but when I do you'd better listen :)
"AS4L isn't very open, he's quite protective."
"I disagree, he's likely to get into trouble as he often just tells it how it is."
I guess they’re both right...I don't speak much but when I do you'd better listen :)
Monday, 22 November 2010
You will not fix me
The problem with non-visible disabilities like Asperger's Syndrome is that people seem disposed to forgetting about them, and dare I say even deny them. If I had no legs and I got into a relationship with someone they wouldn't think to themselves "Sure he has no legs now, and needs a wheelchair, but after going out with me for a few months he'll grow those legs back." "Sure he's blind now, but once he meets my friends he'll be seeing in no time."
Because no-one can see your disability they soon forget all about it, maybe even think it's an act, but the overall and lasting impression seems to be that you're just shy and just need to come out of your shell. That being dragged here and there and thrown into deep-ends will have you waving and not drowning. As the months drag on they begin to realise that it's not an act, that you'll never change, that this really is just how you are.
Because no-one can see your disability they soon forget all about it, maybe even think it's an act, but the overall and lasting impression seems to be that you're just shy and just need to come out of your shell. That being dragged here and there and thrown into deep-ends will have you waving and not drowning. As the months drag on they begin to realise that it's not an act, that you'll never change, that this really is just how you are.
Friday, 22 October 2010
Social Reciprocation
There is an aspect of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) around social reciprocation, and it is said that people with AS are less likely to share or to point out things of interest. I had quite a good example of this happen to me today. I had to walk into town at lunch as I had to buy a birthday card, and on the way to the card shop I witnessed quite an unusual and fairly serious accident. People from all over were rushing to help...people that were on the street anyway, people came out of nearby shops to help. Myself...I had a birthday card to buy and things seemed to be in hand so I just walked on. While inside the card store I heard ambulance sirens, and leaving the shop the press were in attendance also.
About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.
I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.
I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.
About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.
I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.
I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Update on literature
My quest to be better read is jogging along nicely. After finishing "The Picture of Dorian Gray" I went straight onto Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment" and now I'm reading Joseph Heller's "Catch 22". In the wings I already have "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "Frankenstein" waiting. Personally I think "Frankenstein" is bending the rules slightly so I'll be careful with what I choose to follow that up with.
So far though…what can I say? If this is the best literature in the world I'm glad they invented movies :)
"Catch 22" isn't that great for people with Asperger's. I have social blindness so I find it hard to build and maintain profiles of characters in books (and movies too sometimes) and Catch 22 throws lots and lots of characters around and things happen between characters that are revisited over the twisting chronology, but for me every chapter is almost like reading about these characters again for the first time. Crime and Punishment was easier as there were only a handful of main characters and it stuck to a standard time-line. There was some difficulty with the names as the characters all have at least three ways they can be named and there is little rhyme or reason as to which name is used at any time so it takes a while to realise who is being referenced. Dorian Gray was the easiest of them all as there were very few characters, a basic timeline and people only had one name :)
So far though…what can I say? If this is the best literature in the world I'm glad they invented movies :)
"Catch 22" isn't that great for people with Asperger's. I have social blindness so I find it hard to build and maintain profiles of characters in books (and movies too sometimes) and Catch 22 throws lots and lots of characters around and things happen between characters that are revisited over the twisting chronology, but for me every chapter is almost like reading about these characters again for the first time. Crime and Punishment was easier as there were only a handful of main characters and it stuck to a standard time-line. There was some difficulty with the names as the characters all have at least three ways they can be named and there is little rhyme or reason as to which name is used at any time so it takes a while to realise who is being referenced. Dorian Gray was the easiest of them all as there were very few characters, a basic timeline and people only had one name :)
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Impatience
While walking around among other people it seems that I am the most impatient person in the world. I am the only one who appears to ever have an agenda or somewhere to go or some place to be. Apart from me, everyone just seems to not care. They all dawdle and crawl and clump together causing nothing but blockages and nuisance.
It's not only when on the move, but everywhere. They can't use an ATM in under 10 minutes, they can't have their money ready when getting to the counter or the ticket machine. They can't have already decided what they want to eat when coming to order.
I think the phenomenon at work is that other people enjoy the journey, where I am just looking to reach the destination. I always have somewhere in mind that I am going to, and I just want to get there. Other people seem to enjoy ambling so that they can use the time to talk and socialise.
That explains the walking around…but why can't people use an ATM in an expedient manner or show efficiency when their actions affect others? I suppose people are just selfish.
It's not only when on the move, but everywhere. They can't use an ATM in under 10 minutes, they can't have their money ready when getting to the counter or the ticket machine. They can't have already decided what they want to eat when coming to order.
I think the phenomenon at work is that other people enjoy the journey, where I am just looking to reach the destination. I always have somewhere in mind that I am going to, and I just want to get there. Other people seem to enjoy ambling so that they can use the time to talk and socialise.
That explains the walking around…but why can't people use an ATM in an expedient manner or show efficiency when their actions affect others? I suppose people are just selfish.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Thinking outside the box
I had an interesting day at work today. One of the main differences between my new job and my old one is that at my current job everyone is quite competent at what they do, and I'm also the "middle" developer with one developer more senior than me. So I don't spend as much time helping other people with their problems as I did in my old job.
However today we were dealing with a problem that no-one could solve or even much understand. Lots of people had had a hand in solving it to no avail. Now in these situations, what often happens is an unofficial coding free-for-all where everyone works on the problem at the same time with the aim that the person who solves it first gets the kudos.
So we were all pretty much focussed on solving this tricky problem and to paraphrase the situation, imagine a chain of events from step 1 to step 5, and step 5 is failing quite spectacularly. My colleagues were all spending their efforts looking at the ins and outs of step 5 and really tearing it apart and pouring over every line, trying to understand why it was failing. However I was the only one who seemed to contemplate the issue as a whole, and despite the obvious failure at step 5 I didn't want to make assumptions about where the fault was. So I took some time to analyse not how step 5 failed, but why it failed. After spending a few minutes on that I made some discoveries that all of my colleagues had missed. Mainly because they were looking at something else. Using my findings I back-tracked to step 4 to see the problem emerging, then back to step 3 to see the problem starting. It was step 3 that had the problem, and like dominos it was step 5 that exhibited the failure.
I'm now no more than 15 minutes into my attempt to solve the problem and I'm investigating an area none of my colleagues are. I am now confident that none of my colleagues has a chance of solving this problem as they are looking in the wrong place, so I soldier on and after half an hour I had finally solved the problem that no-one else could.
Now I'm not just blowing my own trumpet here :) the whole incident really taught me a few things. What struck me most was that my colleagues were acting in exactly the same way that my colleagues at my old job did. I was always frustrated as I felt people wasted too much energy looking for solutions in the wrong places after making too many assumptions. Not only that, but at my old job I'd often get annoyed at my colleagues' constant dialogue about what they thought was wrong, as to me that was just a distraction to my own train of thought. I'd feel like saying "stop wasting your time and stop speaking to me…you're looking into the wrong thing, you'll never solve this problem". Again today the same thing…I had to put up with a constant dialogue from my colleagues about this step 5 and I just tried to "yeah" and "uh-huh" the talk away and not let it distract me from looking at step 3.
This is a very clear-cut example of what people mean by out of the box thinking, and how the way my brain is wired gives me an advantage in problem solving over my non-autistic colleagues. When presented with a step that fails they get polarised by that step and can't see outside of its confines to contemplate that the real problem might be elsewhere. Whereas my first thought isn't "I wonder what is wrong with step 5", but "I wonder if step 5 is the problem". It's such a simple thing, such a simple concept yet other people don't seem to get it. Now that my new, rather competent, colleagues are exhibiting an identical problem solving approach to my old colleagues I can only assume that their way of thinking is just "normal".
So the sun does indeed shine on a dog's arse some days :)
However today we were dealing with a problem that no-one could solve or even much understand. Lots of people had had a hand in solving it to no avail. Now in these situations, what often happens is an unofficial coding free-for-all where everyone works on the problem at the same time with the aim that the person who solves it first gets the kudos.
So we were all pretty much focussed on solving this tricky problem and to paraphrase the situation, imagine a chain of events from step 1 to step 5, and step 5 is failing quite spectacularly. My colleagues were all spending their efforts looking at the ins and outs of step 5 and really tearing it apart and pouring over every line, trying to understand why it was failing. However I was the only one who seemed to contemplate the issue as a whole, and despite the obvious failure at step 5 I didn't want to make assumptions about where the fault was. So I took some time to analyse not how step 5 failed, but why it failed. After spending a few minutes on that I made some discoveries that all of my colleagues had missed. Mainly because they were looking at something else. Using my findings I back-tracked to step 4 to see the problem emerging, then back to step 3 to see the problem starting. It was step 3 that had the problem, and like dominos it was step 5 that exhibited the failure.
I'm now no more than 15 minutes into my attempt to solve the problem and I'm investigating an area none of my colleagues are. I am now confident that none of my colleagues has a chance of solving this problem as they are looking in the wrong place, so I soldier on and after half an hour I had finally solved the problem that no-one else could.
Now I'm not just blowing my own trumpet here :) the whole incident really taught me a few things. What struck me most was that my colleagues were acting in exactly the same way that my colleagues at my old job did. I was always frustrated as I felt people wasted too much energy looking for solutions in the wrong places after making too many assumptions. Not only that, but at my old job I'd often get annoyed at my colleagues' constant dialogue about what they thought was wrong, as to me that was just a distraction to my own train of thought. I'd feel like saying "stop wasting your time and stop speaking to me…you're looking into the wrong thing, you'll never solve this problem". Again today the same thing…I had to put up with a constant dialogue from my colleagues about this step 5 and I just tried to "yeah" and "uh-huh" the talk away and not let it distract me from looking at step 3.
This is a very clear-cut example of what people mean by out of the box thinking, and how the way my brain is wired gives me an advantage in problem solving over my non-autistic colleagues. When presented with a step that fails they get polarised by that step and can't see outside of its confines to contemplate that the real problem might be elsewhere. Whereas my first thought isn't "I wonder what is wrong with step 5", but "I wonder if step 5 is the problem". It's such a simple thing, such a simple concept yet other people don't seem to get it. Now that my new, rather competent, colleagues are exhibiting an identical problem solving approach to my old colleagues I can only assume that their way of thinking is just "normal".
So the sun does indeed shine on a dog's arse some days :)
Friday, 11 December 2009
Hello darkness my old friend
"When you meet one person with Asperger's you've met one person with Asperger's" so the saying goes. We all suffer different symptoms to different degrees, but a symptom I never really identified with was one where people get single-mindedly focused on a task to the detriment of everything else. Mainly because at work I do often have to switch active tasks, and it's something I've been aware I'm not 100% happy with doing but like many things I just get on and do it.
Last night I had a few tasks that I needed to do, and I've also started on a new personal project. I started off doing a bit of my project until I was too hungry to concentrate much, so broke for diner, then got back to my project. I was always keen to do just a bit more, then just a bit more. I knew I had other tasks to do but wanted to keep doing just a bit more. By the time 2am came I had not done any of my other tasks. I still had to finish a document I was writing for work, finish an e-mail to someone, have a shower, prepare lunch for the next day and also iron a shirt. It was 2am! I had been on my project for 5 hours.
So the e-mail just had to wait, the document was half-arsed but I knew I could finish it when I got to work, and I had to soldier with the other tasks. I didn't get to bed until just past 3am and I still couldn't shake this project from my mind and what plans I had to enhance it, what the next stages should be etc. So my mind was racing and I just couldn't switch off or get to sleep.
Then it dawned on me that this situation wasn't unique, it wasn't the first time I've done this…start a project and got so engrossed in it I just can't pull myself away and can barely sleep for thinking about it. Then thinking about it all day at work, just waiting to get back home to repeat the cycle. Yet whenever I hear about people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) getting so focused and set on a single task that you can't break them free from I always thought "that's nothing like me." It's everything like me.
This is one of those times when knowing what is wrong with you really helps you understand yourself and your behaviours and recognise when your behaviour is the result of AS. If I didn't know I had AS I'd never stop to look at the trees instead of the wood.
Last night I had a few tasks that I needed to do, and I've also started on a new personal project. I started off doing a bit of my project until I was too hungry to concentrate much, so broke for diner, then got back to my project. I was always keen to do just a bit more, then just a bit more. I knew I had other tasks to do but wanted to keep doing just a bit more. By the time 2am came I had not done any of my other tasks. I still had to finish a document I was writing for work, finish an e-mail to someone, have a shower, prepare lunch for the next day and also iron a shirt. It was 2am! I had been on my project for 5 hours.
So the e-mail just had to wait, the document was half-arsed but I knew I could finish it when I got to work, and I had to soldier with the other tasks. I didn't get to bed until just past 3am and I still couldn't shake this project from my mind and what plans I had to enhance it, what the next stages should be etc. So my mind was racing and I just couldn't switch off or get to sleep.
Then it dawned on me that this situation wasn't unique, it wasn't the first time I've done this…start a project and got so engrossed in it I just can't pull myself away and can barely sleep for thinking about it. Then thinking about it all day at work, just waiting to get back home to repeat the cycle. Yet whenever I hear about people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) getting so focused and set on a single task that you can't break them free from I always thought "that's nothing like me." It's everything like me.
This is one of those times when knowing what is wrong with you really helps you understand yourself and your behaviours and recognise when your behaviour is the result of AS. If I didn't know I had AS I'd never stop to look at the trees instead of the wood.
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Taking care of business
One thing about having Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is that I suffer from really bad procrastination. I'm terrible at "doing" things, be it housework, dealing with bills, or doing things I've promised people I'd do. I don't know why, but to me doing nothing just seems to be a better use of my time. I think it might be because people with AS don't seem to get the pleasure from things that other people do, so find it harder to get motivated to do them. I also never really seem to get the point of doing a lot of things. Why should I be doing this? Why can't I wear the same clothes all week? Why do I need to shower every day? Why can't I leave the dishes in the sink until I need them again? Why do I have to introduce myself to people? Why do I need to change my bedsheets? Why do I have to ask people how they are? Then there are other barriers to "doing things"…do I need to interact with other people? I hate dealing with people over the phone, in fact I hate the phone in general. I have a landline for internet use but I don't actually have a physical phone. I have a mobile but what I love about that is that I can turn it off when I don't feel like communicating.
These issues bring me onto a few lingering jobs that I haven't got around to sorting after about 2 or so years. I had a few services at my last house but one. In other words not where I used to live before I lived here but the place before that. And I never really got around to cancelling them, but I've still been paying for them. I know it probably sounds strange to you, but I'd rather bury my head in the sand than actually "deal" with things, even if it is costing me money. Especially if it means having to use the phone.
While I consider myself to be quite high functioning, it does show me how hard it would be for people with more extreme AS than I have to live alone. To be honest, if it wasn't for direct debits I'd have a much harder time living alone and I'd probably be sat here in the dark with no heating, thinking that one day I guess I should get around to opening those letters. Not only does it remind he how hard it must be for some people with AS to live alone, but also how frustrating and annoying we must all be to share a house with as partners.
Anyway, these un-cancelled services have been on my mind more and more these months and I finally said to myself that I was going to sort it once and for all. I also find I get like that with most things…the motivation to do them builds over time rather than me seeing that something needs to be done so getting on and doing it.
So in the morning I did my usual routine of turning on the TV to watch Mythbusters, fired up the laptop to deal with my e-mail, and I also hunted down some phone numbers and dug out my old address in case I needed it. So I phoned up the one I thought would be easier to deal with as I had the number for the actual branch I needed to deal with. I was on hold for ages which never helps, but I finally got through, chose to leave out some details such as the two year gap in the middle, and luckily their computer systems were good enough that everything went smoothly; they knew who I was, what service I had and they were able to cancel it with no fuss and said they'd even terminate the direct debit their end too (which was good, but I'll still have to check that myself in a few weeks).
So that was a big relief. So big that I was on too much of a high to want to deal with the other service :) I know I promised I'd deal with both, but this is better than nothing and I'll get the other one sorted next weekend…you have to walk before you can run after all. I did make up for it though by also booking a physio/sports injury appointment for next week to get a niggling injury I've had for years finally looked at. So I ended up sorting two things that were years over due, just not the two I had planned on. Roll on next week and I'll get right back on the horse.
These issues bring me onto a few lingering jobs that I haven't got around to sorting after about 2 or so years. I had a few services at my last house but one. In other words not where I used to live before I lived here but the place before that. And I never really got around to cancelling them, but I've still been paying for them. I know it probably sounds strange to you, but I'd rather bury my head in the sand than actually "deal" with things, even if it is costing me money. Especially if it means having to use the phone.
While I consider myself to be quite high functioning, it does show me how hard it would be for people with more extreme AS than I have to live alone. To be honest, if it wasn't for direct debits I'd have a much harder time living alone and I'd probably be sat here in the dark with no heating, thinking that one day I guess I should get around to opening those letters. Not only does it remind he how hard it must be for some people with AS to live alone, but also how frustrating and annoying we must all be to share a house with as partners.
Anyway, these un-cancelled services have been on my mind more and more these months and I finally said to myself that I was going to sort it once and for all. I also find I get like that with most things…the motivation to do them builds over time rather than me seeing that something needs to be done so getting on and doing it.
So in the morning I did my usual routine of turning on the TV to watch Mythbusters, fired up the laptop to deal with my e-mail, and I also hunted down some phone numbers and dug out my old address in case I needed it. So I phoned up the one I thought would be easier to deal with as I had the number for the actual branch I needed to deal with. I was on hold for ages which never helps, but I finally got through, chose to leave out some details such as the two year gap in the middle, and luckily their computer systems were good enough that everything went smoothly; they knew who I was, what service I had and they were able to cancel it with no fuss and said they'd even terminate the direct debit their end too (which was good, but I'll still have to check that myself in a few weeks).
So that was a big relief. So big that I was on too much of a high to want to deal with the other service :) I know I promised I'd deal with both, but this is better than nothing and I'll get the other one sorted next weekend…you have to walk before you can run after all. I did make up for it though by also booking a physio/sports injury appointment for next week to get a niggling injury I've had for years finally looked at. So I ended up sorting two things that were years over due, just not the two I had planned on. Roll on next week and I'll get right back on the horse.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Losing the plot
I'm a big fan of movies and I tend to enjoy all sorts…or most sorts. Even if a movie isn't that great I always like to think I at least got something out of it. I'm also a collector of movies and I like to see my collection grow. There is one thing I sometimes have problems with, and I'm beginning to wonder of it's something relating to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS).
With some movies I tend to have problems following character-related plot elements. Not always, but there are just some movie plots that revolve around a lot of characters and their interactions and relationships with each other. Invariably these change at some pivotal point in the movie and it is then that I tend to lose track of what is happening. When the defining moments come I often can't remember that particular character's past story and motivations, and their relationships to the other characters. I can tell something meaningful is happening but as I don't remember the "old" I can't compare it to the "new" so the point of the change passes over me. Often I don't even recognise people as being the same character when their role changes - I don't connect that this is the same person who has just changed and not a new actor in the movie It's especially bad in foreign language movies that are subtitled, and for some reason movies that involve the same actor playing multiple characters.
A possible reason for this is that my AS is stopping me fully connecting with, or relating with people. Stopping me engaging with their motives, desires and feelings. Maybe I'm failing to record in my mind their past deeds as it's not something I'm used to doing, so when the plot twist forces me to recall their emotional journey I just draw a blank? The dual-character issue could just be a doubling up of my problems as to me they are the same person. Maybe it's too much of a stretch to remember two sets of past motives for what is the same person given I have problems remembering just one. With subtitled movies I find it very had to relate the voice to the character and it's almost like everything is just swimming around in one big soup. All mixed together as any character could be relaying what is being related along the bottom of the screen.
Of course it could also just be that I'm not intelligent enough to be watching anything that isn't laden with special effects.
With some movies I tend to have problems following character-related plot elements. Not always, but there are just some movie plots that revolve around a lot of characters and their interactions and relationships with each other. Invariably these change at some pivotal point in the movie and it is then that I tend to lose track of what is happening. When the defining moments come I often can't remember that particular character's past story and motivations, and their relationships to the other characters. I can tell something meaningful is happening but as I don't remember the "old" I can't compare it to the "new" so the point of the change passes over me. Often I don't even recognise people as being the same character when their role changes - I don't connect that this is the same person who has just changed and not a new actor in the movie It's especially bad in foreign language movies that are subtitled, and for some reason movies that involve the same actor playing multiple characters.
A possible reason for this is that my AS is stopping me fully connecting with, or relating with people. Stopping me engaging with their motives, desires and feelings. Maybe I'm failing to record in my mind their past deeds as it's not something I'm used to doing, so when the plot twist forces me to recall their emotional journey I just draw a blank? The dual-character issue could just be a doubling up of my problems as to me they are the same person. Maybe it's too much of a stretch to remember two sets of past motives for what is the same person given I have problems remembering just one. With subtitled movies I find it very had to relate the voice to the character and it's almost like everything is just swimming around in one big soup. All mixed together as any character could be relaying what is being related along the bottom of the screen.
Of course it could also just be that I'm not intelligent enough to be watching anything that isn't laden with special effects.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
What I did during the war
My parents sent me a copy of my full birth certificate, and with it they sent me my old school reports. I don't remember too much from my early school days so it's an interesting glimpse into the past and how I was as a child. Obviously I was interested to see if it gave any signs of Asperger's Syndrome.
Year 1 - 5 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
Writing: Has difficulty (note: with care and effort written work should improve)
General note: AS4L is rather immature, but he can cope with the work of the class
Year 2 - 6 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written English would improve if he put more care and effort into it)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
General note: AS4L's work should improve with maturity
Year 3 - 7 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: AS4L finds it hard to concentrate)
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written work is both careless and badly presented)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
General note: Progress is satisfactory
Year 6 - 10 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Written English: Competent. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: Presentation very poor due to lack of effort)
Mathematical skills;
Practical problems: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Computation: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: Presentation again poor)
Centres of interest;
Social Studies: Interested
Science: Interested
Interests and aptitudes;
Creative arts: Interested
Dramatic activities: Interested
Recreative reading: Interested
Creative writing: Interested
Musical activities: Interested
Physical education: Interested
So I was pretty average across the board. Not excelling or showing promise at anything, immature with poor written work and easily distracted.
Year 1 - 5 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
Writing: Has difficulty (note: with care and effort written work should improve)
General note: AS4L is rather immature, but he can cope with the work of the class
Year 2 - 6 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written English would improve if he put more care and effort into it)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
General note: AS4L's work should improve with maturity
Year 3 - 7 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: AS4L finds it hard to concentrate)
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written work is both careless and badly presented)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
General note: Progress is satisfactory
Year 6 - 10 years old
Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Written English: Competent. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: Presentation very poor due to lack of effort)
Mathematical skills;
Practical problems: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Computation: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: Presentation again poor)
Centres of interest;
Social Studies: Interested
Science: Interested
Interests and aptitudes;
Creative arts: Interested
Dramatic activities: Interested
Recreative reading: Interested
Creative writing: Interested
Musical activities: Interested
Physical education: Interested
So I was pretty average across the board. Not excelling or showing promise at anything, immature with poor written work and easily distracted.
Friday, 18 September 2009
What's in a name?
Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is a…well…a syndrome. But have you ever thought what a syndrome actually is and what qualifies something as being a syndrome?
A syndrome is something that is indicated by a group of symptoms for which the actual cause is not known. So imagine we didn't know about the influenza virus, but people would be seen to suffer the symptoms of fever, sore throat and muscle pains at the same time; we can class these as a group of symptoms. If the root cause of what causes this group of symptoms wasn't known (ie the influenza virus) then we'd class this phenomenon as a "syndrome" as we recognise that the group of symptoms must mean something is wrong, but we don't know what that "something" is.
We do know about the influenza virus, though, so flu is not a syndrome at all but a disease. However look at AIDS. AIDS is "Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome"…yep, a syndrome. When AIDS first came out we recognised the symptoms (a greatly reduced immune system giving rise to numerous conditions rarely seen in healthy people) but no-one knew the actual cause so it was classed as a syndrome. After much research the cause of AIDS was found…the HIV virus. So AIDS is no-longer officially a syndrome. This leads us nicely to another point…when a syndrome's name is very well known and wide-spread and the cause is eventually found we tend to just leave the name as it is even if it is no longer a syndrome.
Getting back to Asperger's Syndrome, if someone has the symptoms of impaired social interaction, impairment of non-verbal behaviour, failure to develop appropriate peer relationships, lack of desire to share enjoyment and lack of emotional reciprocity we recognise that group of symptoms as meaning that person has Asperger's Syndrome; however we don't know the actual cause of the impairments - remember that no-one knows the cause of autism yet. When the cause of AS is finally discovered we can be quite sure the name won't change though, it will always be called Asperger's Syndrome even if one day it ceases to be one.
A syndrome is something that is indicated by a group of symptoms for which the actual cause is not known. So imagine we didn't know about the influenza virus, but people would be seen to suffer the symptoms of fever, sore throat and muscle pains at the same time; we can class these as a group of symptoms. If the root cause of what causes this group of symptoms wasn't known (ie the influenza virus) then we'd class this phenomenon as a "syndrome" as we recognise that the group of symptoms must mean something is wrong, but we don't know what that "something" is.
We do know about the influenza virus, though, so flu is not a syndrome at all but a disease. However look at AIDS. AIDS is "Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome"…yep, a syndrome. When AIDS first came out we recognised the symptoms (a greatly reduced immune system giving rise to numerous conditions rarely seen in healthy people) but no-one knew the actual cause so it was classed as a syndrome. After much research the cause of AIDS was found…the HIV virus. So AIDS is no-longer officially a syndrome. This leads us nicely to another point…when a syndrome's name is very well known and wide-spread and the cause is eventually found we tend to just leave the name as it is even if it is no longer a syndrome.
Getting back to Asperger's Syndrome, if someone has the symptoms of impaired social interaction, impairment of non-verbal behaviour, failure to develop appropriate peer relationships, lack of desire to share enjoyment and lack of emotional reciprocity we recognise that group of symptoms as meaning that person has Asperger's Syndrome; however we don't know the actual cause of the impairments - remember that no-one knows the cause of autism yet. When the cause of AS is finally discovered we can be quite sure the name won't change though, it will always be called Asperger's Syndrome even if one day it ceases to be one.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
When I was going through school one thing made me really stand out from my peers and I suspect that it was related to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Basically I hated sport and wasn't competitive in any way. I've always been rubbish at anything physical (I know I go to the gym but any idiot can lift something up then put it back down again) or anything that requires co-ordination and teamwork. My non-competitive edge was, I think, partially my AS and partially my desire to avoid the embarrassment of failure.
Sport was mandatory at my school and the sport of choice that was forced on you was almost always football. When forced to play I would simply stand on the pitch making no attempt to go for the ball or even move. If the ball came anywhere close to me I'd still stand there and let it roll by. When they thought they'd be clever and put me in goal they'd soon change their mind when I'd just stand in goal also. If the ball was anywhere near me I'd actually get out of its way.
The school didn't seem to mind, but you can't really force someone to participate, and I think they also knew that my actual punishment would come not from them but from my peers. And of course they were right. Where I grew up football wasn't a matter of life and death…it was more important than that. Football was people's "way out". There was no real employment where I grew up and I went to a school in a disadvantaged area with people whose parents didn't work, were single parents and on benefits. Becoming a professional footballer was their way out of poverty. I always knew that university would be my way out, but by interfering with their precious game I was interfering with their future so it didn't do anything to improve my popularity.
The lack of competitive spirit is something that has stayed with me; however I have found that I can be quite competitive with myself. Getting back to the gym as an example, one thing that drives you on month after month is that you want to beat yourself. You want to lift more this week than you did last week, or lift it better, or lift it more times. It's a gradual process where week by week you improve in increments. When I use the bikes I am constantly trying to burn more calories than I did the week before, keep a higher average RPM, go further. I have all manner of statistics and figures going around in my head and I attempt to better them.
The only thing I've done that comes close to being competitive with others is racing my car. Not on track with other cars…I'm not made of money :) but special timed events where it is just one car on track at a time and your lap times are recorded. It's a good compromise as no-one really wants to race on-track with other cars in their daily driver, but trackdays don't offer any real comparison or competition as they are not timed and you don't "race". This way the only damage you'll do is if you fall off track, but you're still timed so can compare your results to others. Without wanting to blow my own trumpet I was pretty good, usually finishing at the top end of the table, however it was only myself I was really racing. Every lap I just wanted to go faster than my last one. I didn't want to beat others, I went out to beat myself. If I did well compared to others of course that's a good feeling but it's not what I did it for. Alas one of the reasons I stopped racing was the attitude of other drivers. I hated the competitive spirit of others and how it made them behave and act. I hate being around competitive people, I just wanted to get on and do my own thing but it just got harder and harder so ultimately I stopped.
If these things are AS related then if you have AS and want to try sport, or have children with AS and want them to try sport, maybe pick things where you are mainly competing against yourself. Things like golf or snooker come to mind. While they are still against a single opponent, they are mainly against yourself. You can practice both on your own and with golf you aim to get your handicap down and your course score down. With snooker you're trying to improve your break scores, your frame scores, your pots per visit etc. Compare those with something like boxing where it is only ever a competition between you and your opponent and everything is quite subjective.
Sport was mandatory at my school and the sport of choice that was forced on you was almost always football. When forced to play I would simply stand on the pitch making no attempt to go for the ball or even move. If the ball came anywhere close to me I'd still stand there and let it roll by. When they thought they'd be clever and put me in goal they'd soon change their mind when I'd just stand in goal also. If the ball was anywhere near me I'd actually get out of its way.
The school didn't seem to mind, but you can't really force someone to participate, and I think they also knew that my actual punishment would come not from them but from my peers. And of course they were right. Where I grew up football wasn't a matter of life and death…it was more important than that. Football was people's "way out". There was no real employment where I grew up and I went to a school in a disadvantaged area with people whose parents didn't work, were single parents and on benefits. Becoming a professional footballer was their way out of poverty. I always knew that university would be my way out, but by interfering with their precious game I was interfering with their future so it didn't do anything to improve my popularity.
The lack of competitive spirit is something that has stayed with me; however I have found that I can be quite competitive with myself. Getting back to the gym as an example, one thing that drives you on month after month is that you want to beat yourself. You want to lift more this week than you did last week, or lift it better, or lift it more times. It's a gradual process where week by week you improve in increments. When I use the bikes I am constantly trying to burn more calories than I did the week before, keep a higher average RPM, go further. I have all manner of statistics and figures going around in my head and I attempt to better them.
The only thing I've done that comes close to being competitive with others is racing my car. Not on track with other cars…I'm not made of money :) but special timed events where it is just one car on track at a time and your lap times are recorded. It's a good compromise as no-one really wants to race on-track with other cars in their daily driver, but trackdays don't offer any real comparison or competition as they are not timed and you don't "race". This way the only damage you'll do is if you fall off track, but you're still timed so can compare your results to others. Without wanting to blow my own trumpet I was pretty good, usually finishing at the top end of the table, however it was only myself I was really racing. Every lap I just wanted to go faster than my last one. I didn't want to beat others, I went out to beat myself. If I did well compared to others of course that's a good feeling but it's not what I did it for. Alas one of the reasons I stopped racing was the attitude of other drivers. I hated the competitive spirit of others and how it made them behave and act. I hate being around competitive people, I just wanted to get on and do my own thing but it just got harder and harder so ultimately I stopped.
If these things are AS related then if you have AS and want to try sport, or have children with AS and want them to try sport, maybe pick things where you are mainly competing against yourself. Things like golf or snooker come to mind. While they are still against a single opponent, they are mainly against yourself. You can practice both on your own and with golf you aim to get your handicap down and your course score down. With snooker you're trying to improve your break scores, your frame scores, your pots per visit etc. Compare those with something like boxing where it is only ever a competition between you and your opponent and everything is quite subjective.
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king
One of the more commonly known issues with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is empathy. When I think of empathy I always think about putting yourself in the shoes of someone else when they are undergoing a physical process...like being hurt when falling down, or feeling sad after a break-up. It seems that empathy tends to encompass more than that though, such as how another person sees the world in general. I found this out after reading some research material about autism (not specifically AS) and what tests have been conducted to show the differences between autistic children and non-autistic (NT) children.
One of the tests they do is seeing if a child knows how another child perceives the world. The classic example is that Child A has a ball in a basket and leaves the room, and Child B takes the ball from the basket and puts it in a box. When Child A comes back to the room do they look for the ball in the basket or the box? A child who knows how Child A perceives the world will say "basket", but a child who only knows how they themselves perceive the world would say "box".
What interested me most was the importance of the age of the children involved when it comes to these tests. The study is quite explicit in that it isn't saying that NT children will say "basket" and autistic children will say "box". What the study shows is that NT children of a specific age (4 in this case) will say "basket", where an autistic child of 4 would say "box". However by the time the autistic child reaches 6 they would also be saying "basket". It brought home how important it is to diagnose autism in children and how hard it must be to do in adults. It also explains the rather blasé attitude I found in professionals when trying to get diagnosed myself. After all...if these key tests can't be done at the right age then in fairness how can they ever be sure to truly diagnose autism? All they can do is give it their best shot.
It also comforted me in a way as I've read the odd thing about how children with AS act that sometimes don't resonate with me. However maybe that is because while I don't remember exhibiting a certain deficiency, the real issue is that I'm remembering how I was at an older age. So it's not that I was exhibiting "normal" behaviour so maybe I don't have AS, but that that "normal" behaviour was only happening years after it should have been happening. So while I remember thinking "basket", I was thinking it later than I should have been. Further that it is this delay in the development process that is the vital key to knowing if a child is autistic. I now fully appreciate why childhood diagnosis is so important, or failing that information from the parent if it is an adult that is seeking diagnosis. I can't be expected to know at what age certain behaviours came and went, but my parents should.
This possible delay in development ties in with my memories of my parents always showing concern about how immature I was and how I tended to prefer the company of children younger than me. Maybe my development was out of phase by a year or two? If autistic children do eventually learn what their NT counterparts learned a few years previous I suppose it's not unusual that we develop many coping strategies and grow "more normal" as we get older.
The paper did occasionally mention AS specifically and said that sometimes children with AS were able to pass these "theory of mind" tests even though children further up the austic spectrum often could not.
This concept of knowing how others see the world made me think about another vivid childhood memory I have; when watching television I'd often wonder if other people were seeing the show in the same way. When the news came on and the newsreader had a moustache I'd ask someone "does that person have a moustache?" When I saw a red car I'd ask "is that car red?" It must have seemed quite strange to others, but I was genuinely wondering if everyone saw everything the same way. Was my desire to understand the world causing me to confront my lack of knowledge on how others saw the world?
Coming full circle - I initially said that I considered empathy as knowing how someone felt after a physical event...this paper also touched on the fact then when asked what functions a brain did, autistic children tend to concentrate on the physical (tells our muscles to move, heart to beat, let's us see) while completely ignoring the emotional functions, but NT children consider both.
One of the tests they do is seeing if a child knows how another child perceives the world. The classic example is that Child A has a ball in a basket and leaves the room, and Child B takes the ball from the basket and puts it in a box. When Child A comes back to the room do they look for the ball in the basket or the box? A child who knows how Child A perceives the world will say "basket", but a child who only knows how they themselves perceive the world would say "box".
What interested me most was the importance of the age of the children involved when it comes to these tests. The study is quite explicit in that it isn't saying that NT children will say "basket" and autistic children will say "box". What the study shows is that NT children of a specific age (4 in this case) will say "basket", where an autistic child of 4 would say "box". However by the time the autistic child reaches 6 they would also be saying "basket". It brought home how important it is to diagnose autism in children and how hard it must be to do in adults. It also explains the rather blasé attitude I found in professionals when trying to get diagnosed myself. After all...if these key tests can't be done at the right age then in fairness how can they ever be sure to truly diagnose autism? All they can do is give it their best shot.
It also comforted me in a way as I've read the odd thing about how children with AS act that sometimes don't resonate with me. However maybe that is because while I don't remember exhibiting a certain deficiency, the real issue is that I'm remembering how I was at an older age. So it's not that I was exhibiting "normal" behaviour so maybe I don't have AS, but that that "normal" behaviour was only happening years after it should have been happening. So while I remember thinking "basket", I was thinking it later than I should have been. Further that it is this delay in the development process that is the vital key to knowing if a child is autistic. I now fully appreciate why childhood diagnosis is so important, or failing that information from the parent if it is an adult that is seeking diagnosis. I can't be expected to know at what age certain behaviours came and went, but my parents should.
This possible delay in development ties in with my memories of my parents always showing concern about how immature I was and how I tended to prefer the company of children younger than me. Maybe my development was out of phase by a year or two? If autistic children do eventually learn what their NT counterparts learned a few years previous I suppose it's not unusual that we develop many coping strategies and grow "more normal" as we get older.
The paper did occasionally mention AS specifically and said that sometimes children with AS were able to pass these "theory of mind" tests even though children further up the austic spectrum often could not.
This concept of knowing how others see the world made me think about another vivid childhood memory I have; when watching television I'd often wonder if other people were seeing the show in the same way. When the news came on and the newsreader had a moustache I'd ask someone "does that person have a moustache?" When I saw a red car I'd ask "is that car red?" It must have seemed quite strange to others, but I was genuinely wondering if everyone saw everything the same way. Was my desire to understand the world causing me to confront my lack of knowledge on how others saw the world?
Coming full circle - I initially said that I considered empathy as knowing how someone felt after a physical event...this paper also touched on the fact then when asked what functions a brain did, autistic children tend to concentrate on the physical (tells our muscles to move, heart to beat, let's us see) while completely ignoring the emotional functions, but NT children consider both.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Food for Thought
Another quick one about minor Asperger's Syndrome (AS) symptoms. Again this is something I have always been conscious of doing but never really thought if it was connected to my AS until recently.
I'm a very quick eater.
In a restaurant, at home, at other people's homes…no matter where - I've cleaned my entire plate before anyone else has even pushed their potatoes around. I've come up with a theory that has me wonder if it is AS related… To me food is, well, food. It is energy you need to maintain life. However for other people food seems to be a group activity and an opportunity for communication and chit chat. It is something that people get together over to have a catch up. Eating slowly is a way of extending this time together. However for me I don't care that no-one can talk to me while my hands are a blur, shovelling food into my gob as if I hadn't eaten in a decade, and I don't care that I can't talk to them either. I don't care that my quick eating cuts short on their chit-chat time. Food and social interaction are just not connected in my brain; to me food is functional and nothing else.
However it's also one more thing that leaves me looking rude in the eyes of other people.
I'm a very quick eater.
In a restaurant, at home, at other people's homes…no matter where - I've cleaned my entire plate before anyone else has even pushed their potatoes around. I've come up with a theory that has me wonder if it is AS related… To me food is, well, food. It is energy you need to maintain life. However for other people food seems to be a group activity and an opportunity for communication and chit chat. It is something that people get together over to have a catch up. Eating slowly is a way of extending this time together. However for me I don't care that no-one can talk to me while my hands are a blur, shovelling food into my gob as if I hadn't eaten in a decade, and I don't care that I can't talk to them either. I don't care that my quick eating cuts short on their chit-chat time. Food and social interaction are just not connected in my brain; to me food is functional and nothing else.
However it's also one more thing that leaves me looking rude in the eyes of other people.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Deconstructing Disasters
Since my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) there are a few things I've been second-guessing myself over. There are some AS symptoms I read about that I've never consciously thought myself as having (pre- or post- diagnosis), but now I'm going back to re-evaluate. Things like missing non-verbal cues and talking without knowing the other person is not interested. How do you know you're "missing" something you can't see, like a "non-verbal cue"? Surely to know you've missed something you must recognise the something you've missed…but then you haven't missed it. Am I making sense? And as for talking without knowing the other person is not interested…how can you know you do that? As if you knew you wouldn't do it. Right?
There was something my ex-girlfriend would do that I didn't really like, in that sometimes if I'd talk about certain things (mainly to "make conversation") she'd over-exaggerate boredom by rolling eyes, audibly yawning to her hand etc. Now it would really annoy me, as there were things she'd talk about that I wasn't interested in but I listened anyway as I was trying to be a "good" boyfriend. So obviously I would quite resent these actions and feel quite hurt by them. Especially when I was just trying to fulfil one of her many other complaints about me regarding "never talking". Yet when I did try and talk it would sometimes be thrown back in my face.
So now I'm wondering if it is normal for NT's to non-verbally indicate when a subject is one they are not interested in talking about, however as I was missing these signals she was getting fed up and frustrated and thought that the only solution was to be obvious and, frankly, rude. Then the fact that there were things she talked about that I wasn't interested in…maybe there were signals I should have been giving off to register my disinterest in the particular subject to stop it coming up again, but as I wasn't giving them she didn't know I wasn't interested?
Or maybe I'm just over-analysing this and the fact of the matter is that she was just a selfish bitch? I'm now left in a quandary where I don't know the answer; however it is planting a fear in me and I am getting paranoid that I'm exhibiting this behaviour regularly without knowing. When I have a conversation and it breaks down I keep going over everything that was said in my head, analysing if I was boring them, or if I could have done things better or differently. Was the reason they said they had to leave genuine or were they just making excuses to get away from the boring guy?
It's why I much prefer communication by e-mail, which I'll cover in my next blog as it's getting slightly off-topic here.
There was something my ex-girlfriend would do that I didn't really like, in that sometimes if I'd talk about certain things (mainly to "make conversation") she'd over-exaggerate boredom by rolling eyes, audibly yawning to her hand etc. Now it would really annoy me, as there were things she'd talk about that I wasn't interested in but I listened anyway as I was trying to be a "good" boyfriend. So obviously I would quite resent these actions and feel quite hurt by them. Especially when I was just trying to fulfil one of her many other complaints about me regarding "never talking". Yet when I did try and talk it would sometimes be thrown back in my face.
So now I'm wondering if it is normal for NT's to non-verbally indicate when a subject is one they are not interested in talking about, however as I was missing these signals she was getting fed up and frustrated and thought that the only solution was to be obvious and, frankly, rude. Then the fact that there were things she talked about that I wasn't interested in…maybe there were signals I should have been giving off to register my disinterest in the particular subject to stop it coming up again, but as I wasn't giving them she didn't know I wasn't interested?
Or maybe I'm just over-analysing this and the fact of the matter is that she was just a selfish bitch? I'm now left in a quandary where I don't know the answer; however it is planting a fear in me and I am getting paranoid that I'm exhibiting this behaviour regularly without knowing. When I have a conversation and it breaks down I keep going over everything that was said in my head, analysing if I was boring them, or if I could have done things better or differently. Was the reason they said they had to leave genuine or were they just making excuses to get away from the boring guy?
It's why I much prefer communication by e-mail, which I'll cover in my next blog as it's getting slightly off-topic here.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
The man who wasn't there
There's a curious aspect to my life that I find myself putting down to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS), even though I can't possibly understand why it is connected in any rational, scientific way. I'll give you some background here - in my own life, and in my recent journeys, I have come across situations already that I have no rational explanation for and put them down to things we don't yet fully understand…I'm mainly talking about thought processes. It is only since I have realised that I have AS that I've appreciated that my more advanced thought process are not normal. I have no explanation for them other than "it's just how my mind works". To the casual observer it may appear almost in the realms of genius, but to me it's just how I think. I have also seen, first-hand, feats of incredibly memory and I'm sure if I asked these people how they can remember these things their answer would be exactly the same; "I don't know, it's just how my mind works."
It's no big secret that we don't fully understand how the brain works, so writing these unusual thought processes off as something we don't understand now, but might in the future, is a fairly easy thing to do. However the phenomenon I want to address here is something quite, quite different.
It's like I don't exist.
I'm not talking about how if there is a social function that I want to attend I have to invite myself as no-one will think to invite me themselves despite inviting everyone else. I'm talking about when I'm walking down the street and I always have to get out of the way of other people…sometimes quite abruptly. People just bound down the street toward me and if I don't jump out of their way, or quickly go side-on, they'd surely knock me over. They don't even flinch like they've not been paying attention and have had a last-moment realisation that they're about to bang into me. They don't even acknowledge that they're forcing me from my stride. When I look around this isn't happening to anyone else. If two people are on a collision course what is going through the other person's mind that they decide it is them who will walk on uninterrupted and it is you who should get out of the way? Some days I wonder to myself; "Can people actually see me? Am I really here? Did I get ran over three streets ago and I'm now a ghost?"
Is this down to my AS? Are we all connected to each other with some form of unseen social tethers? All tied together but not realising it…the ties stretching, disconnecting, breaking, re-joining and interweaving as people walk through this huge web as it lives and breathes around them. Around them. Not me. I'm the odd one out, the one not playing the game, not joining the system. No-one is connected to me, joined to me…no-one feels my presence, no-one knows I'm even there. Instead I crash through the web, bounced from person to person like a Whiffle Board.
Maybe in the future they'll prove the existence of aether and demonstrate that people with AS really are disconnected from the world in more ways than was originally thought.
It's no big secret that we don't fully understand how the brain works, so writing these unusual thought processes off as something we don't understand now, but might in the future, is a fairly easy thing to do. However the phenomenon I want to address here is something quite, quite different.
It's like I don't exist.
I'm not talking about how if there is a social function that I want to attend I have to invite myself as no-one will think to invite me themselves despite inviting everyone else. I'm talking about when I'm walking down the street and I always have to get out of the way of other people…sometimes quite abruptly. People just bound down the street toward me and if I don't jump out of their way, or quickly go side-on, they'd surely knock me over. They don't even flinch like they've not been paying attention and have had a last-moment realisation that they're about to bang into me. They don't even acknowledge that they're forcing me from my stride. When I look around this isn't happening to anyone else. If two people are on a collision course what is going through the other person's mind that they decide it is them who will walk on uninterrupted and it is you who should get out of the way? Some days I wonder to myself; "Can people actually see me? Am I really here? Did I get ran over three streets ago and I'm now a ghost?"
Is this down to my AS? Are we all connected to each other with some form of unseen social tethers? All tied together but not realising it…the ties stretching, disconnecting, breaking, re-joining and interweaving as people walk through this huge web as it lives and breathes around them. Around them. Not me. I'm the odd one out, the one not playing the game, not joining the system. No-one is connected to me, joined to me…no-one feels my presence, no-one knows I'm even there. Instead I crash through the web, bounced from person to person like a Whiffle Board.
Maybe in the future they'll prove the existence of aether and demonstrate that people with AS really are disconnected from the world in more ways than was originally thought.
Monday, 2 March 2009
Mozart and the Whale
I'd heard rumblings about this movie and how it was about Asperger's Syndrome (AS) however I could never find it in the stores. Turns out there is a reason for that…it's not available in the stores and had quite a limited release. So I had to get a copy on the internet and even then couldn't get a British version; it's Dutch with Dutch text on the box, English language and Dutch subtitles, but you can turn the subtitles off.
It's a story about a man with AS who runs a local autistic group and his relationship with a girl, who also has AS, who starts attending the group. It's unlikely to be of much (if any) interest to people not interested in Asperger's as the story alone isn't really enough to carry the movie. However it's based on real events and real people so you can only really use what you have to work with.
The protagonist did exhibit your classic AS traits and they did seem a little bit exaggerated. He had very bad eye contact, but it wasn't just eye contact he could barely face the same direction as the person he was speaking to. He also had a fascination with numbers and maths and I swear at times a hint of "I'm an excellent driver" appeared in his accent.
The love interest had quite a different set of traits and was the lesser affected of the two. Her two main issues were thinking without speaking and offending people and she had sensory problems with metallic sounds. It was an interesting way of showing how two people with the same syndrome can actually behave in completely different ways. Like most people with AS I probably identified with some traits but not others. Probably the most interesting for me was the state of his apartment. Again I'm not sure if it has been exaggerated and I'm certainly not as bad, but it was strange seeing how he lived on screen then looking around at the many empty cans, pizza boxes, diner plates, newspapers etc that litter my own floor. Also regarding his apartment the windows were just taped up with newspapers. I'm not that bad but my curtains or blinds are never even drawn, they're always closed. Those kinds of things spoke to me and made it feel like the subject matter was very well understood. I'm sure other people will have their own "moments" that they connect most with.
The other thing that really struck me to an incredibly freaky degree was the closeness of the people at the group in this movie with those of the social group that I attend. It really was scary in places.
Ultimately though it's just "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy regains girl". Outside of the AS angle not only is there nothing particularly meaty in the story…but it suffers from the weakest Hollywood cliché where everyone is gorgeous and the guy still gets the girl.
It's definitely one to check out though, I'm not aware of any other movies based around AS. Well, as with all things AS the self-diagnosed internet brigade begs to differ and they claim that any movie with a "quirky" or "socially awkward" protagonist is about AS.
It's a story about a man with AS who runs a local autistic group and his relationship with a girl, who also has AS, who starts attending the group. It's unlikely to be of much (if any) interest to people not interested in Asperger's as the story alone isn't really enough to carry the movie. However it's based on real events and real people so you can only really use what you have to work with.
The protagonist did exhibit your classic AS traits and they did seem a little bit exaggerated. He had very bad eye contact, but it wasn't just eye contact he could barely face the same direction as the person he was speaking to. He also had a fascination with numbers and maths and I swear at times a hint of "I'm an excellent driver" appeared in his accent.
The love interest had quite a different set of traits and was the lesser affected of the two. Her two main issues were thinking without speaking and offending people and she had sensory problems with metallic sounds. It was an interesting way of showing how two people with the same syndrome can actually behave in completely different ways. Like most people with AS I probably identified with some traits but not others. Probably the most interesting for me was the state of his apartment. Again I'm not sure if it has been exaggerated and I'm certainly not as bad, but it was strange seeing how he lived on screen then looking around at the many empty cans, pizza boxes, diner plates, newspapers etc that litter my own floor. Also regarding his apartment the windows were just taped up with newspapers. I'm not that bad but my curtains or blinds are never even drawn, they're always closed. Those kinds of things spoke to me and made it feel like the subject matter was very well understood. I'm sure other people will have their own "moments" that they connect most with.
The other thing that really struck me to an incredibly freaky degree was the closeness of the people at the group in this movie with those of the social group that I attend. It really was scary in places.
Ultimately though it's just "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy regains girl". Outside of the AS angle not only is there nothing particularly meaty in the story…but it suffers from the weakest Hollywood cliché where everyone is gorgeous and the guy still gets the girl.
It's definitely one to check out though, I'm not aware of any other movies based around AS. Well, as with all things AS the self-diagnosed internet brigade begs to differ and they claim that any movie with a "quirky" or "socially awkward" protagonist is about AS.
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
As lacking in social skills that I am, there is one arrow I seem to have in my quiver in that I think I have a good sense of humour. Now I suppose everyone says that, however if I rationally analyse a social gathering (which I can easily do, after all I'm always on the outside looking in even if we're standing next to each other) then my jokes seem to get more and harder laughs. Unfortunately it does leave me looking a little like Chandler from "Friends" in that I stand there until I have something funny to say, then shut up waiting for the next joke to float along. This is to the extent that I have actually had people watch my face, smiling already, as I add something not intended to be funny to a conversation only for their face to relax at the end and add "oh sorry…I thought you were telling a joke." Hell, I've even had some people say I should be a stand up comedian, and I admit I've thought about giving it a go, however I'll stop short of believing my own hype for the time being.
I actually think that my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) has something to do with this…in a "God giveth and God taketh away" kind of deal. The same "out of the box" thinking that helps me in my computing career can seemingly also be used to find the funny lines that others didn't think of, and find them quite quickly too. Add to that my lack of empathy and "nothing is too much" attitude, not only can I seem to find lines that others didn't think of, but my range of possible material is also a lot more diverse as no subjects are "taboo" to me. And even if the end result is not taboo in itself, you can sometimes get there going by way of areas that are taboo.
This wide-ranging aspect to humour is something that I have learned to temper as I have gotten older. Like most social aspects, people with AS have to learn what comes naturally to others. I have had to learn (unfortunately by trial and error) that not everyone finds certain topics funny, and there are some things that you are seemingly never allowed to joke about, mainly gallows humour. However again I tend to apply my rational way of thinking to gallows type jokes and will crack them anyway and if people are offended I can go off on a lecture about how gallows humour has always existed and it is important to help people deal with difficult situations. What I have learned about gallows humour on my own travels is that it seems to split people into two camps…those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation via humour, and those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation by chastising gallows humour via righteous indignation. No matter what camp you lie in, gallows humour is at least of some use for you.
In a way I'm glad that it is at least one social skill that I have. It means that if I am in a group conversation it usually gives me the odd thing to chip in here and there (although it means waiting for others to do the ground work). I also think it gives people something they can warm to about you; it gives you a facet of personality, a hint of likability…just "something". Alas you can't build a circus on a one-trick pony, and if anything it might also make people not take you seriously and think you just mess around and that's all you are. Also as someone or something is usually the butt of a joke it can maybe also make you appear a bit negative and bitchy. Still, overall I don't mind, it's my "thing". If you can make someone laugh it's always good, and girls seem to say they like someone with a sense of humour and I've found that to be fairly true. I'd never go as far as to say I have "laughed someone into bed" (maybe out of one) but my sense of humour has always been a fairly large part of my relationships. Getting back to the one-trick show, however, it's a precarious edge to balance a whole relationship on.
I actually think that my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) has something to do with this…in a "God giveth and God taketh away" kind of deal. The same "out of the box" thinking that helps me in my computing career can seemingly also be used to find the funny lines that others didn't think of, and find them quite quickly too. Add to that my lack of empathy and "nothing is too much" attitude, not only can I seem to find lines that others didn't think of, but my range of possible material is also a lot more diverse as no subjects are "taboo" to me. And even if the end result is not taboo in itself, you can sometimes get there going by way of areas that are taboo.
This wide-ranging aspect to humour is something that I have learned to temper as I have gotten older. Like most social aspects, people with AS have to learn what comes naturally to others. I have had to learn (unfortunately by trial and error) that not everyone finds certain topics funny, and there are some things that you are seemingly never allowed to joke about, mainly gallows humour. However again I tend to apply my rational way of thinking to gallows type jokes and will crack them anyway and if people are offended I can go off on a lecture about how gallows humour has always existed and it is important to help people deal with difficult situations. What I have learned about gallows humour on my own travels is that it seems to split people into two camps…those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation via humour, and those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation by chastising gallows humour via righteous indignation. No matter what camp you lie in, gallows humour is at least of some use for you.
In a way I'm glad that it is at least one social skill that I have. It means that if I am in a group conversation it usually gives me the odd thing to chip in here and there (although it means waiting for others to do the ground work). I also think it gives people something they can warm to about you; it gives you a facet of personality, a hint of likability…just "something". Alas you can't build a circus on a one-trick pony, and if anything it might also make people not take you seriously and think you just mess around and that's all you are. Also as someone or something is usually the butt of a joke it can maybe also make you appear a bit negative and bitchy. Still, overall I don't mind, it's my "thing". If you can make someone laugh it's always good, and girls seem to say they like someone with a sense of humour and I've found that to be fairly true. I'd never go as far as to say I have "laughed someone into bed" (maybe out of one) but my sense of humour has always been a fairly large part of my relationships. Getting back to the one-trick show, however, it's a precarious edge to balance a whole relationship on.
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Messy minds and messy lives
One of the more annoying aspects of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is my bad life organisation. I'm quite a messy person and left to my own devices I can be very messy indeed, and it's true what they say about mess detracting from your overall quality of life.
A lot of it is just my major procrastination where I always put things off until they have to be done. So I'll maybe one day not do the dishes and then that turns into three days. I won't tidy up after a night on the pop and then that turns into a week of not tidying up. It's one thing I'd really like to change about myself as it has a slight impact elsewhere. For a start I need about two days notice before anyone wants to come in, and if I meet someone outside as they pick me up/drop me off I always dread them asking if they can just pop in to use the toilet. What I'd do in an emergency like my boiler braking or something I just don't know.
It's also related a little to routines. I just don't have a routine for cleaning or tidying up. I have routines for some things…shower, laundry and stuff, but not for dishes, recycling, vacuuming and stuff like that. If only I could somehow get into a routine it would be good, and I'd be fine. I often tell myself I'll have a tidy up at the weekend, and sometimes I'll do a little, but never much. The only time I have a major clean up is when the landlord is coming over. Every time I do that I always like it and tell myself I should just make an effort to keep it that way…but over time I always slip.
A lot of it is just my major procrastination where I always put things off until they have to be done. So I'll maybe one day not do the dishes and then that turns into three days. I won't tidy up after a night on the pop and then that turns into a week of not tidying up. It's one thing I'd really like to change about myself as it has a slight impact elsewhere. For a start I need about two days notice before anyone wants to come in, and if I meet someone outside as they pick me up/drop me off I always dread them asking if they can just pop in to use the toilet. What I'd do in an emergency like my boiler braking or something I just don't know.
It's also related a little to routines. I just don't have a routine for cleaning or tidying up. I have routines for some things…shower, laundry and stuff, but not for dishes, recycling, vacuuming and stuff like that. If only I could somehow get into a routine it would be good, and I'd be fine. I often tell myself I'll have a tidy up at the weekend, and sometimes I'll do a little, but never much. The only time I have a major clean up is when the landlord is coming over. Every time I do that I always like it and tell myself I should just make an effort to keep it that way…but over time I always slip.
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