I hate myself

It's a funny weekend. Where do I start? There is a music night I attend on some Sundays and there is a girl there I like. I've mentioned it before but I can never really get a conversation going with her, it's just awkward silence. I've also blogged about my Friday night rock pub activities. Well, what can I say? The Sunday girl turned up at my rock club tonight! She made a bee line for me and we chatted a little. She went outside to smoke (yuk) and I followed and we chatted some more. Downsides are that there were times when the conversation dropped but I think I was quite good at picking it back up. Ultimately she ended it by saying she was off home but wanted to talk to her friends "over there" first. Upsides are that I think conversation went ok, I wasn't so drunk I couldn't say much but I was merry enough to be chatty (for me). There was a fair amount of her touching my arm too. But what does that mean? Does she like me? Or is she just a touchy-feely type? When I watch her at the Sunday club she is often touching people so maybe it's just her way? Damn, why can't I understand women??!!

I didn't reciprocate any of the touching but it was only afterwards that I thought I should have…have I missed a trick now? When she said she was leaving I did hold her around the waist and lean in to do the cheek kiss which is completely outside of my nature but I guess I wanted to show her…f**k, I don't know what. Should I go see her on Sunday and make a move? I don't know, I really don't know.

Other impending disasters are that a work colleague has their birthday and they are having a BBQ. I invited my "friend" to it only cos I knew he'd say no. Expect he didn't. Worst still he wants to stay at my place so he can have some drinks. Obviously I would have gone to the BBQ for 30 mins tops then left. Now I have to stay there for maybe 6 hours, absolutely bored out of my skull so that my "guest" can do the "NT" thing. And I have to spend all of tomorrow making my flat acceptable for human contact in preparation.

There's more. Someone I did some work for "off the clock" wants to meet me for a drink. It is happening in a few weeks and I am stressed about that, I have nothing to talk to him about. Also I *think* he is gay. That doesn't bother me, but should I take him to a gay bar? Or should I approach the issue and sound him out first? Or will he be offended cos he just wants to go for a drink and his sexuality is irrelevant?

Testing times ahead.