I'm scared that one day I'll start to like classical music.
I'm scared that one day I'll dress up smart to travel.
I'm scared that one day I'll remember when this was all fields.
I'm scared that one day I'll wear three layers of clothing on a summer's day.
I'm scared that one day I'll despair about the youth.
I'm scared that one day I'll be frail.
I'm scared that one day I'll be a body undiscovered for over 6 months.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Passive aggressive
Two people were talking about me like I wasn't there.
"AS4L isn't very open, he's quite protective."
"I disagree, he's likely to get into trouble as he often just tells it how it is."
I guess they’re both right...I don't speak much but when I do you'd better listen :)
"AS4L isn't very open, he's quite protective."
"I disagree, he's likely to get into trouble as he often just tells it how it is."
I guess they’re both right...I don't speak much but when I do you'd better listen :)
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Velocity
It's that time of year again; it's not only coming but accelerating. In January I jumped off a very tall building and have been telling myself "so far so good, so far so good" but now the ground is in sight and it's coming up fast. I'm going to hit it hard.
There is an acquaintance I usually spend some of Christmas day with, or at least have lunch and maybe a drink with, it helps the day go by, helps me feel normal. I am standing still, though, and like everyone else he is moving and is now married and living with his wife and they are going away for Christmas this year. So for the first time in maybe 10 odd years I'll literally be on my own for Christmas. The longest day of the year.
I'm in training for it already, I'm regularly attending the gym and regularly not drinking. I'm back on the wagon so that the inevitable fall isn’t so bad. This year I firmly intend the entire day to drown in an alcoholic daze.
Although I suspect it's not just going to be Christmas itself that is the problem. I've kinda got involved-ish with a girl and I won't go into details but needless to say it's my usual modus operandi. It's another long-distance thing, another girl I've managed to woo with words. I've been to visit to her and mustered all of my efforts to fraudulently appear as normal as I can. To be honest I don't find it that hard to maintain normality for an evening with people I like and haven’t seen for a long time (I had a list of things to talk about pre-prepared on my phone's "To do" list that I referred to through the night so that I'd have something for when she stopped driving the conversation - there's a little tip for you).
For a week after meeting her I was in a pretty bad hole. Depression featuring heavily through my days and drinking through my nights. I felt like I was grieving for something but I don't know what. Meeting her made me feel normal I guess. Even if for just one night, and it was crushing me that I couldn't have that normality forever. In a way it was like I was playing a cruel joke on myself. A horrible bait and switch.
I've arranged to meet her again just before Christmas so I'll see if I can muster this sense of normality again or be faced with the fact that it was a fluke. I'll also see if I fall down a hole again afterward. I know it will be harder this time around, not only because my "To do" list was almost exhausted, but because I plan on telling her we can't really meet again. There are lots of reasons, not all of which I'll tell her...the main one is that there are reasons that will make any relationship between us too hard for both of us (she knows these reasons but it's something I can't really go into here, nothing related to my Aspergers). There is also the distance element. Plus the fact that I know she hasn't really seen the real me, and I think maybe I can quit while I'm ahead.
I also had to cancel my work's Christmas party to go and see her so that's that decided too. I just hope the meeting doesn't fall through due to the bad weather we're having at the moment.
I was telling a work colleague about this girl, the same one that gave me the previous ill-fated advice over my love life. He was frustrated about my negativity concerning this relationship, but he doesn't really understand. He asked me how old I was, and I told him. He asked me what I was doing, but I didn't understand so asked him to elaborate. "What are you doing with your life? You should be married with kids by now." No. He just doesn't understand.
There is an acquaintance I usually spend some of Christmas day with, or at least have lunch and maybe a drink with, it helps the day go by, helps me feel normal. I am standing still, though, and like everyone else he is moving and is now married and living with his wife and they are going away for Christmas this year. So for the first time in maybe 10 odd years I'll literally be on my own for Christmas. The longest day of the year.
I'm in training for it already, I'm regularly attending the gym and regularly not drinking. I'm back on the wagon so that the inevitable fall isn’t so bad. This year I firmly intend the entire day to drown in an alcoholic daze.
Although I suspect it's not just going to be Christmas itself that is the problem. I've kinda got involved-ish with a girl and I won't go into details but needless to say it's my usual modus operandi. It's another long-distance thing, another girl I've managed to woo with words. I've been to visit to her and mustered all of my efforts to fraudulently appear as normal as I can. To be honest I don't find it that hard to maintain normality for an evening with people I like and haven’t seen for a long time (I had a list of things to talk about pre-prepared on my phone's "To do" list that I referred to through the night so that I'd have something for when she stopped driving the conversation - there's a little tip for you).
For a week after meeting her I was in a pretty bad hole. Depression featuring heavily through my days and drinking through my nights. I felt like I was grieving for something but I don't know what. Meeting her made me feel normal I guess. Even if for just one night, and it was crushing me that I couldn't have that normality forever. In a way it was like I was playing a cruel joke on myself. A horrible bait and switch.
I've arranged to meet her again just before Christmas so I'll see if I can muster this sense of normality again or be faced with the fact that it was a fluke. I'll also see if I fall down a hole again afterward. I know it will be harder this time around, not only because my "To do" list was almost exhausted, but because I plan on telling her we can't really meet again. There are lots of reasons, not all of which I'll tell her...the main one is that there are reasons that will make any relationship between us too hard for both of us (she knows these reasons but it's something I can't really go into here, nothing related to my Aspergers). There is also the distance element. Plus the fact that I know she hasn't really seen the real me, and I think maybe I can quit while I'm ahead.
I also had to cancel my work's Christmas party to go and see her so that's that decided too. I just hope the meeting doesn't fall through due to the bad weather we're having at the moment.
I was telling a work colleague about this girl, the same one that gave me the previous ill-fated advice over my love life. He was frustrated about my negativity concerning this relationship, but he doesn't really understand. He asked me how old I was, and I told him. He asked me what I was doing, but I didn't understand so asked him to elaborate. "What are you doing with your life? You should be married with kids by now." No. He just doesn't understand.
Monday, 22 November 2010
You will not fix me
The problem with non-visible disabilities like Asperger's Syndrome is that people seem disposed to forgetting about them, and dare I say even deny them. If I had no legs and I got into a relationship with someone they wouldn't think to themselves "Sure he has no legs now, and needs a wheelchair, but after going out with me for a few months he'll grow those legs back." "Sure he's blind now, but once he meets my friends he'll be seeing in no time."
Because no-one can see your disability they soon forget all about it, maybe even think it's an act, but the overall and lasting impression seems to be that you're just shy and just need to come out of your shell. That being dragged here and there and thrown into deep-ends will have you waving and not drowning. As the months drag on they begin to realise that it's not an act, that you'll never change, that this really is just how you are.
Because no-one can see your disability they soon forget all about it, maybe even think it's an act, but the overall and lasting impression seems to be that you're just shy and just need to come out of your shell. That being dragged here and there and thrown into deep-ends will have you waving and not drowning. As the months drag on they begin to realise that it's not an act, that you'll never change, that this really is just how you are.
Saturday, 20 November 2010
Friday, 22 October 2010
Social Reciprocation
There is an aspect of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) around social reciprocation, and it is said that people with AS are less likely to share or to point out things of interest. I had quite a good example of this happen to me today. I had to walk into town at lunch as I had to buy a birthday card, and on the way to the card shop I witnessed quite an unusual and fairly serious accident. People from all over were rushing to help...people that were on the street anyway, people came out of nearby shops to help. Myself...I had a birthday card to buy and things seemed to be in hand so I just walked on. While inside the card store I heard ambulance sirens, and leaving the shop the press were in attendance also.
About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.
I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.
I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.
About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.
I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.
I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Comedy Observations
I'm a big fan of comedy and I enjoy watching stand-up on TV and also going to live comedy gigs. One of the things I like about TV comedy are the crowd shots. They always try and intersperse the comedy with shots of the audience and they try very hard to pick their subjects. The people who get the close-ups have to be attractive and also visibly enjoying themselves...that's not who I'm looking at though...I'm scanning the background audience. No matter how much a knot of people are enjoying themselves there is always one person no more than 4 seats away who is sat there stony-faced, arms folded, thinking "this isn't funny in the slightest."
The main thing I've noticed though, is that when people are laughing they almost always look toward their partner. There doesn't seem to be a hard and fast gender divide; sometimes the man looks toward the woman, sometimes the woman to the man. I'm not completely sure why this is. I think it is part of NT behaviour to share experience and ensure your companions are also enjoying themselves. Maybe the glance is in case the couple want to add any in-jokes of their own to the proceedings. When I go to see comedy and I find something funny I just laugh...I have never had the desire to look toward anyone I happen to be with.
The main thing I've noticed though, is that when people are laughing they almost always look toward their partner. There doesn't seem to be a hard and fast gender divide; sometimes the man looks toward the woman, sometimes the woman to the man. I'm not completely sure why this is. I think it is part of NT behaviour to share experience and ensure your companions are also enjoying themselves. Maybe the glance is in case the couple want to add any in-jokes of their own to the proceedings. When I go to see comedy and I find something funny I just laugh...I have never had the desire to look toward anyone I happen to be with.
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