One of the more positive aspects I feel Asperger Syndrome (AS) has left me with is an interest in detail. I can never just know that something works; I have to know how and why it works. This is great for my job with computers and I usually understand things at a level far deeper than most. When it comes to diagnosing a tricky problem, really understanding what is going on deep inside often helps.
It's not just computers either, my interest in the mechanics of things also runs to physics and the mechanics of the world at large. However (as with most things AS related) it does appear to be somewhat selective. I have no interest in chemistry or politics, and the mechanics of machinery is often lost on me.
I'm going to get on a bit of a high horse for a second, but I think it's important that people take an interest in the world around them and how it works. It angers me when people don't take an interest in the news, or don't seem to care about gaining knowledge. Some people even revel in it as if it's a good thing! It's one of the things that separate us from the animals, and you should always be striving to improve yourself. It also angers me when people are so quick to believe things they hear without first researching it. Gullible idiots who believe the claims from the health industry are one of my biggest bugbears. I'm not asking that you gain a PhD in biology, but at least research the basic facts about how your body works, then you won't waste your time doing 50 sit-ups a day thinking it'll give you a flat stomach.
As well as being interested in the details of how things work, I also seem to focus on smaller aspects of a bigger thing. Like if I'm looking at a big vehicle I'm usually looking in detail at an aspect of the engine, the interior, the suspension. I'll note the width and profile of the tyres, how much tread there is and the tread patterns on the tyre. Obviously this isn't beneficial to anything, but I think it's all tied in to the same thing.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Saturday, 20 September 2008
Not Alone but Feeling Lonely
Tonight was a work colleague's birthday so we had arranged to meet for food and drinks. The venue was not far from where I live so that was good at least. We were to meet at the restaurant/bar at 7pm which was, as someone with Asperger Syndrome (AS), the first problem. To me "meeting at 7pm" means meeting at 7pm. It's not hard, is it? Apparently so. Cue me waiting for a while for anyone else to turn up.
There were current work mates, past work mates and my colleague's own friends all there and I obviously got on with my own work mates better as I knew them. Some of my colleague's friends attempted to start a conversation but it didn't go well and things quickly ran dry. I actually spent most of my time talking with an ex-colleague of mine who is the opposite of who I would normally enjoy the company of. He is social and likes sport. However I think he is drawn to me as I am very candid in my views and he is quite the man's man. He knows he can talk to me about things most people would take offence at, let alone agree with. He knows no joke is too offensive to tell me, too off colour. My AS gives me an ability to see everything at face value and I call a spade a spade.
Funnily enough the guy that tried to talk to me also tried to spark a conversation with this ex- colleague and the two got on like a house on fire. I guess it's just me. By this point things were too loud and I was getting overload, people were talking but I couldn't hear, I couldn't differentiate one conversation from another. A wall of noise was forming.
After the initial venue a second one was agreed and I went there almost right away, but the others were some time behind. When they did turn up they were all firmly entrenched in their cliques, I was all but forgotten. My colleagues and this guy's own friends all lost in conversation with each other. Shock horror, I was nothing to do with it. People whose company I enjoy and want to spend time with outside of the office were all too busy with bonds they had formed in my absence. So I just went off home and no-one probably even noticed I had gone. I'm sure on Monday I'll hear all about the various pubs they went to, what club they ended up in, and what a great time they all had.
There were current work mates, past work mates and my colleague's own friends all there and I obviously got on with my own work mates better as I knew them. Some of my colleague's friends attempted to start a conversation but it didn't go well and things quickly ran dry. I actually spent most of my time talking with an ex-colleague of mine who is the opposite of who I would normally enjoy the company of. He is social and likes sport. However I think he is drawn to me as I am very candid in my views and he is quite the man's man. He knows he can talk to me about things most people would take offence at, let alone agree with. He knows no joke is too offensive to tell me, too off colour. My AS gives me an ability to see everything at face value and I call a spade a spade.
Funnily enough the guy that tried to talk to me also tried to spark a conversation with this ex- colleague and the two got on like a house on fire. I guess it's just me. By this point things were too loud and I was getting overload, people were talking but I couldn't hear, I couldn't differentiate one conversation from another. A wall of noise was forming.
After the initial venue a second one was agreed and I went there almost right away, but the others were some time behind. When they did turn up they were all firmly entrenched in their cliques, I was all but forgotten. My colleagues and this guy's own friends all lost in conversation with each other. Shock horror, I was nothing to do with it. People whose company I enjoy and want to spend time with outside of the office were all too busy with bonds they had formed in my absence. So I just went off home and no-one probably even noticed I had gone. I'm sure on Monday I'll hear all about the various pubs they went to, what club they ended up in, and what a great time they all had.
Thursday, 18 September 2008
I have my eye on you
One thing about me is that I'm quite a people watcher. I know lots of people are, so this is one of those things that I'm unsure is connected with my Asperger Syndrome (AS) or not. However I'm quite sure that there is an AS aspect to people watching - having AS means you have to learn social interaction instead of it coming naturally, and how better to learn than to observe?
So despite my rabid asocial nature, I'm actually quite fond of going to the pub (but only occasionally). Pubs can be problematic as they're not really geared up for non-social activity. Any woman in a pub on her own is beset with all manner of unwanted male attention; sharks circling in the menstrual blood. Any man in a pub on his own…well, he's just a weirdo, and I'm also not the kind of person who can just sit and do nothing. These two things mean that the only pubs I'll go to are ones with pool tables. This gives me something to watch, and an excuse to watch. Not just the game but the people playing the game, and not just them but everyone in the pub. I don't know why, but I feel I can stand in a pub watching pool as others might think I'm just awaiting a game. If a pub doesn't have a pool table I won't go there.
Not being particularly posh or well bred I'm not one for wine bars and pubs with dress codes, so I've always been drawn to the kind of pubs that have pool tables anyway; ones with terrible torn carpets and gaffer-taped benches. Looking back to when the social aspects of my AS were really taking hold, it doesn't surprise me that all of my haunts had pool tables. I used to think it was maybe a coincidence, but now I know it was just a sub-conscious decision. When you're living in a bedsit on an incredibly low income in a town where you don't know anyone, there isn't much to do at the weekend. So I spent mine in pubs, watching other people play pool and interact. Young people, old people, single people on the pull, single people on the defensive…I'd watch them all.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not one for small talk or pub talk, I find it cliché and tiresome. So I'm not that keen when people see the loner and try to strike up a conversation. Depending on who they are I might indulge them for a while, but it often has me leave after I've finished my drink as I don't want to get into that situation where I awkwardly drop the conversation ball. This is one aspect of my AS where I've thrown the towel in. When I was pre-diagnosed a part of me wanted someone to talk to me or strike something up. Part of me thought that was how I could instigate a friendship. Post diagnosis I now realise that I'll never be good at these things and will never strike up friendships in this way…so why bother?
So despite my rabid asocial nature, I'm actually quite fond of going to the pub (but only occasionally). Pubs can be problematic as they're not really geared up for non-social activity. Any woman in a pub on her own is beset with all manner of unwanted male attention; sharks circling in the menstrual blood. Any man in a pub on his own…well, he's just a weirdo, and I'm also not the kind of person who can just sit and do nothing. These two things mean that the only pubs I'll go to are ones with pool tables. This gives me something to watch, and an excuse to watch. Not just the game but the people playing the game, and not just them but everyone in the pub. I don't know why, but I feel I can stand in a pub watching pool as others might think I'm just awaiting a game. If a pub doesn't have a pool table I won't go there.
Not being particularly posh or well bred I'm not one for wine bars and pubs with dress codes, so I've always been drawn to the kind of pubs that have pool tables anyway; ones with terrible torn carpets and gaffer-taped benches. Looking back to when the social aspects of my AS were really taking hold, it doesn't surprise me that all of my haunts had pool tables. I used to think it was maybe a coincidence, but now I know it was just a sub-conscious decision. When you're living in a bedsit on an incredibly low income in a town where you don't know anyone, there isn't much to do at the weekend. So I spent mine in pubs, watching other people play pool and interact. Young people, old people, single people on the pull, single people on the defensive…I'd watch them all.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not one for small talk or pub talk, I find it cliché and tiresome. So I'm not that keen when people see the loner and try to strike up a conversation. Depending on who they are I might indulge them for a while, but it often has me leave after I've finished my drink as I don't want to get into that situation where I awkwardly drop the conversation ball. This is one aspect of my AS where I've thrown the towel in. When I was pre-diagnosed a part of me wanted someone to talk to me or strike something up. Part of me thought that was how I could instigate a friendship. Post diagnosis I now realise that I'll never be good at these things and will never strike up friendships in this way…so why bother?
Friday, 12 September 2008
Small talk, small minds
When people without Asperger Syndrome (AS) have conversations when they meet in the street, or at the pub, there are certain rules that seem to be followed. It seems that cliché conversations are perfectly acceptable, as are conversations that involve stating the obvious. Cries of "bloody foreigners, taking our jobs" and other such canned reactions to topical news are the norm. Listening to two non-AS people talk reveals some insights into what I, an AS sufferer, am missing. Or not, as the case may be.
To me a conversation is an exchange of information, ideas and, if needs be, opinions. If there is a news story about how some kid has run amok there really is no need for you to inform the room that in your day your dad would have given you a slap. If there is a story in the Red Tops about a neglected child, or a paedophile, or a rapist there really is no need to tell us how the perpetrator should be castrated, or "left in a room with me and a baseball bat". It appears to me to be conversation for conversation's sake. It seems that non-AS people have a desire to talk, and other non-AS people recognise this and allow them to spew forth the hackneyed opinions they've been told to have by the gutter press. I assume this occurs as they themselves also want to talk for talking's sake and may need to also utter cliché opinions. It's like an "I'll rub your back and you'll rub mine" social club.
I hate this kind of conversation. It seems like keeping up the momentum of a conversation must be done at all costs. When conversation stops you can see people rack their brains for something else to say…anything to say no matter how tired or obvious. One of the reasons I'm rubbish at small talk is that I refuse to take part in this. I'll only add to a conversation if I think I have something unique and/or funny to contribute.
That's not my only problem with small talk though. If I meet someone there is usually something that has happened that I think we have a mutual interest in so can talk about for a short while. But after that, my mind goes blank and we quickly reach uncomfortable silences. Now one thing I don't understand is that surely it takes both people for the conversation to halt, so why do my conversations always halt? Why does one AS and one non-AS conversation fail, but two non-AS conversations don't? I don't know, TBH, I can't explain it. Anyway. That's a one-on-one, if it is a group chat the result is that I am quickly excluded while the other people continue to talk among themselves. This means that I don't mind group situations but I'll quickly tire of them as I am always on the outside, and it seems too much of an effort to break back into the circle. This makes me conscious that I'm seen as "quiet" and "odd". However I get really anxious in a one on one as I know I can't keep conversation going. This is awkward enough if I just meet someone briefly on the street, but my worst nightmare is someone wanting to "do something" with me, or we're in a group situation and the other people need to leave briefly (toilet or whatever) leaving it just me and another person. Much staring into space and awkward atmosphere is guaranteed. The pair of us obviously both praying for the others to return. What is it about me that my input into any conversation is like poisoning the wine?
Even the introduction phase of a conversation is stressful for me. When someone asks how I am, I hate that. I just reply "good". I note that when a non-AS person asks another non-AS person how they are, the other person always replies "Good, and you?" However I can never bring myself to ask someone this. For a start I genuinely don't care how they are, and what if they start talking about something that is happening in their life and I don't know how to respond? Won't they be thinking "why did he ask how I was when he obviously isn't interested?" So when someone asks how I am I never reciprocate…but then I think to myself "should I have asked how they were? Do they now think I'm rude?"
Often I don't even think to make introductions, I'll just barrel into a group situation without saying anything. It's not because I'm rude, but I genuinely just don't think to make introductions. However I have had people say (when they're mad at me for something else and want additional ammo) that my lack of introductions at such-and-such an event was very rude. This just adds to the AS sufferer's general anxiety, as we now think we're constantly offending people but don't know it and they're just too polite to say anything.
The social world can be an awkward place for people with AS, all these unwritten rules and rituals we are completely blind to. All the taboos and faux pas we walk around drenched in. The self-doubt and anxiety. When you have AS you do appear to be a not nice person sometimes but we genuinely can't help it. We don't know we're breaking your rules because no-one has written them down for us.
To me a conversation is an exchange of information, ideas and, if needs be, opinions. If there is a news story about how some kid has run amok there really is no need for you to inform the room that in your day your dad would have given you a slap. If there is a story in the Red Tops about a neglected child, or a paedophile, or a rapist there really is no need to tell us how the perpetrator should be castrated, or "left in a room with me and a baseball bat". It appears to me to be conversation for conversation's sake. It seems that non-AS people have a desire to talk, and other non-AS people recognise this and allow them to spew forth the hackneyed opinions they've been told to have by the gutter press. I assume this occurs as they themselves also want to talk for talking's sake and may need to also utter cliché opinions. It's like an "I'll rub your back and you'll rub mine" social club.
I hate this kind of conversation. It seems like keeping up the momentum of a conversation must be done at all costs. When conversation stops you can see people rack their brains for something else to say…anything to say no matter how tired or obvious. One of the reasons I'm rubbish at small talk is that I refuse to take part in this. I'll only add to a conversation if I think I have something unique and/or funny to contribute.
That's not my only problem with small talk though. If I meet someone there is usually something that has happened that I think we have a mutual interest in so can talk about for a short while. But after that, my mind goes blank and we quickly reach uncomfortable silences. Now one thing I don't understand is that surely it takes both people for the conversation to halt, so why do my conversations always halt? Why does one AS and one non-AS conversation fail, but two non-AS conversations don't? I don't know, TBH, I can't explain it. Anyway. That's a one-on-one, if it is a group chat the result is that I am quickly excluded while the other people continue to talk among themselves. This means that I don't mind group situations but I'll quickly tire of them as I am always on the outside, and it seems too much of an effort to break back into the circle. This makes me conscious that I'm seen as "quiet" and "odd". However I get really anxious in a one on one as I know I can't keep conversation going. This is awkward enough if I just meet someone briefly on the street, but my worst nightmare is someone wanting to "do something" with me, or we're in a group situation and the other people need to leave briefly (toilet or whatever) leaving it just me and another person. Much staring into space and awkward atmosphere is guaranteed. The pair of us obviously both praying for the others to return. What is it about me that my input into any conversation is like poisoning the wine?
Even the introduction phase of a conversation is stressful for me. When someone asks how I am, I hate that. I just reply "good". I note that when a non-AS person asks another non-AS person how they are, the other person always replies "Good, and you?" However I can never bring myself to ask someone this. For a start I genuinely don't care how they are, and what if they start talking about something that is happening in their life and I don't know how to respond? Won't they be thinking "why did he ask how I was when he obviously isn't interested?" So when someone asks how I am I never reciprocate…but then I think to myself "should I have asked how they were? Do they now think I'm rude?"
Often I don't even think to make introductions, I'll just barrel into a group situation without saying anything. It's not because I'm rude, but I genuinely just don't think to make introductions. However I have had people say (when they're mad at me for something else and want additional ammo) that my lack of introductions at such-and-such an event was very rude. This just adds to the AS sufferer's general anxiety, as we now think we're constantly offending people but don't know it and they're just too polite to say anything.
The social world can be an awkward place for people with AS, all these unwritten rules and rituals we are completely blind to. All the taboos and faux pas we walk around drenched in. The self-doubt and anxiety. When you have AS you do appear to be a not nice person sometimes but we genuinely can't help it. We don't know we're breaking your rules because no-one has written them down for us.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Not a good day
10.30pm Wednesday and not feeling that great. Had about 3 or 4 hours sleep each night from Sunday and a stressful day at work. Was in meetings a lot, even through my break times, and when I tried to take my breaks later I still had my boss calling me up, and of course my co-workers need my constant attention too and everything piled up.
Got home and was literally exhausted. Lay on my bed instead of going to the gym, got off the bed around 10pm. Not really sleeping, just relaxing and maybe drifting in and out. Haven't eaten or anything. So just back from the supermarket with something to eat and something to drink and I'll sign off. But before I do I'd like to thank microwave meals, 24 hour drinking laws, and Tesco for being open 24 hours to sell alcohol.
Got home and was literally exhausted. Lay on my bed instead of going to the gym, got off the bed around 10pm. Not really sleeping, just relaxing and maybe drifting in and out. Haven't eaten or anything. So just back from the supermarket with something to eat and something to drink and I'll sign off. But before I do I'd like to thank microwave meals, 24 hour drinking laws, and Tesco for being open 24 hours to sell alcohol.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
This man's an island
Human beings are social animals, herd animals. We're meant to live in packs and societies. What is life like when this genetic link, ingrained in millions of year's evolution, isn't functioning? If you don't have Asperger Syndrome (AS) there is a whole world of things that you probably can't see yourself living without. Friends, human contact, chit chat to name a few.
Well when you do have AS, the big bad social world is such a chore that you begin to welcome time spent by yourself. Now I'm sure everyone appreciates a little "me" time, but with AS it's not so much that you like the "me" time, it's that you hate the "non-me" time. I don't enjoy being social, I don't enjoy social situations. I get no pleasure from the company of others. I don't enjoy conversing with people, I don't enjoy small talk. So when I'm done for the day and back home I can finally kick my shoes off and truly relax.
Do people with AS get "lonely"? I don't think so. To someone with AS being alone is the equivalent of someone without AS being at a party. If you don't have AS and you can't understand what this is like, imagine talking to someone is like ironing a shirt. Sometimes it is a necessary task but that's all. I don't get anything from being social, it gives me no pleasure or enjoyment. Not only do I get no direct enjoyment from it, I get no indirect enjoyment from it…it doesn't make me feel "closer" to you, it doesn't make me "bond" with you, I don't feel I'm building bridges or friendships toward you. I get nothing from dealing with people. It's often quite the opposite; a confusing chore so when I get a chance to be by my own I enjoy it.
And it doesn't just stop at sitting at home watching TV…I enjoy doing everything alone. Going shopping, going to the cinema, going to the gym - everything. If I can do something with someone or on my own I always get more pleasure doing it on my own cos if I'm doing it with someone else I have a relationship to "manage". Rather than concentrating on the activity at hand I have to think about them and if they are enjoying it, what they might want to do next, or I worry if I'm just ruining the experience for them with my AS weirdness. I have to decipher if there are non-verbal cues I'm supposed to be getting but am of course missing. When I am on my own I don't have any of that to worry about, I can just enjoy the activity.
I appreciate that when someone without AS is engaged in a group activity they have to ensure that their companions are enjoying themselves…but for people with AS it's different. I don't know if you're enjoying yourself or hating every second, and that makes me worried, paranoid and anxious. I'm constantly scanning for hints and ideas as to my companion's current state of mind.
Am I lonely? No, I don't think so. Do I enjoy being on my own? Yes I do. It's hard for us to be vocal about this as it is seen as taboo. No-one wants to be Johnny Nomates. No-one wants to be the sad guy with no friends, so of course you tell the odd white lie. Someone whose post on an internet forum you responded to becomes "This guy I know", or "This mate of mine". I don't feel particularly ashamed that I have no friends, but it's still something I tend to hide from other people because, AS or not, I still want to fit in and not unduly draw negative attention to myself.
So please don't pity our solitary existence, it's what we want.
Well when you do have AS, the big bad social world is such a chore that you begin to welcome time spent by yourself. Now I'm sure everyone appreciates a little "me" time, but with AS it's not so much that you like the "me" time, it's that you hate the "non-me" time. I don't enjoy being social, I don't enjoy social situations. I get no pleasure from the company of others. I don't enjoy conversing with people, I don't enjoy small talk. So when I'm done for the day and back home I can finally kick my shoes off and truly relax.
Do people with AS get "lonely"? I don't think so. To someone with AS being alone is the equivalent of someone without AS being at a party. If you don't have AS and you can't understand what this is like, imagine talking to someone is like ironing a shirt. Sometimes it is a necessary task but that's all. I don't get anything from being social, it gives me no pleasure or enjoyment. Not only do I get no direct enjoyment from it, I get no indirect enjoyment from it…it doesn't make me feel "closer" to you, it doesn't make me "bond" with you, I don't feel I'm building bridges or friendships toward you. I get nothing from dealing with people. It's often quite the opposite; a confusing chore so when I get a chance to be by my own I enjoy it.
And it doesn't just stop at sitting at home watching TV…I enjoy doing everything alone. Going shopping, going to the cinema, going to the gym - everything. If I can do something with someone or on my own I always get more pleasure doing it on my own cos if I'm doing it with someone else I have a relationship to "manage". Rather than concentrating on the activity at hand I have to think about them and if they are enjoying it, what they might want to do next, or I worry if I'm just ruining the experience for them with my AS weirdness. I have to decipher if there are non-verbal cues I'm supposed to be getting but am of course missing. When I am on my own I don't have any of that to worry about, I can just enjoy the activity.
I appreciate that when someone without AS is engaged in a group activity they have to ensure that their companions are enjoying themselves…but for people with AS it's different. I don't know if you're enjoying yourself or hating every second, and that makes me worried, paranoid and anxious. I'm constantly scanning for hints and ideas as to my companion's current state of mind.
Am I lonely? No, I don't think so. Do I enjoy being on my own? Yes I do. It's hard for us to be vocal about this as it is seen as taboo. No-one wants to be Johnny Nomates. No-one wants to be the sad guy with no friends, so of course you tell the odd white lie. Someone whose post on an internet forum you responded to becomes "This guy I know", or "This mate of mine". I don't feel particularly ashamed that I have no friends, but it's still something I tend to hide from other people because, AS or not, I still want to fit in and not unduly draw negative attention to myself.
So please don't pity our solitary existence, it's what we want.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Aye Aye, Captain
The thing about mental health is that it isn't always visible, it's not like a skin condition, or blindness or alopecia. As Asperger Syndrome (AS) manifests itself in social impairment and other subtle things it is something that is very much hidden. So much so that even the afflicted often don't know they have it. This is good for those of us with AS as it lets us tell who we want and keep secret from who we want.
Or can we?
Without a shadow of a doubt, there is one sure-fire thing to look for in someone with AS, a symptom above all that you can actually visualise…the lack of eye contact. Now as with all things AS, making poor eye contact doesn't mean someone has AS…but if someone has AS they'll almost certainly make poor eye contact.
They say a lot of communication is non-verbal, in fact they say most communication is non-verbal. Well, let's say I don't read non-verbal communication? Why should I look at you when you're only giving off information I can't see? You ever want to focus on something so hard you just close your eyes to block everything out but what you're focusing on? I'm not going to close my eyes when we talk…that would be crazy. So I'll do the next best thing. To stop being distracted and to focus on the words you're saying I won't look at you, I'll look at the wall or something. If I look at you and your expression changes it means I have to wonder what you're doing and what my response should be. If I can't see your expression change I don't have to react to it. I'm only interested in what you're saying so just let me listen. If you want to convey something non-verbal to me then learn to use your words better.
It's not just the lack of need to look someone in the eye...it just feels uncomfortable, I feel exposed and nasty. I don't know what's being asked of me. It's like the other person is trying to establish a bond that I'm not hapy with, like a hug from a stanger.
I tend to deal with some people better than others. When my boss talks to me I try and force myself to look. Mainly cos he's always bollocking me about being aloof. When my co-workers talk to me I try and look at them cos I know it means something to them. I can vary between holding eye contact if we're in a factual conversation, down to making eye contact briefly and frequently but only for a moment before looking away again if we're having anything else. However if you’re serving me a Big Mac or I'm paying for my petrol then forget about it…seriously.
However there is one kind of person I just can't look in the face. There is also a faint tie to my childhood in this respect also, as there was someone in my school with this "trait" much like I have a co-worker with it now - the person who speaks every line like it's a joke. I'm sure you know the person…they're not funny, not at all, but they want to be. So they speak every line with a comedic intonation and a put-on smile cos they know that when they smile the rules dictate you smile also. Well I don't follow the rules, I hate the tone you use to speak when nothing you say is funny, and I hate the grin plastered all over your face. I can't genuinely react to any of it so I can't look at it. I found it hard to deal with as a child, but with my co-worker as we are in a technical environment I use the "thoughtful look away". I look intently into the near distance as if deep in thought, contemplating what they're saying as if it was a great mystery. Or I'll just look at my own monitor as if what I'm doing is so important I can't look away, but I'll still try and talk to you.
It's an annoying trait only found in people with no sense of humour at all, people with very little personality. Rather than be funny, they paint what they say with the trappings of funny as if that on its own makes it funny. And as nothing they say is funny they don't bother discriminating, they just do it with everything they say. Seriously. They can tell you what they had for breakfast but their tone will rise and their grin will widen as if delivering a punchline. I HATE IT. If you're the type of person who only ever gets "nervous laughs" to your constant verbal diarrhoea then just stop doing it…people aren't laughing cos they find you funny, they're doing it cos you're making them uncomfortable.
Or can we?
Without a shadow of a doubt, there is one sure-fire thing to look for in someone with AS, a symptom above all that you can actually visualise…the lack of eye contact. Now as with all things AS, making poor eye contact doesn't mean someone has AS…but if someone has AS they'll almost certainly make poor eye contact.
They say a lot of communication is non-verbal, in fact they say most communication is non-verbal. Well, let's say I don't read non-verbal communication? Why should I look at you when you're only giving off information I can't see? You ever want to focus on something so hard you just close your eyes to block everything out but what you're focusing on? I'm not going to close my eyes when we talk…that would be crazy. So I'll do the next best thing. To stop being distracted and to focus on the words you're saying I won't look at you, I'll look at the wall or something. If I look at you and your expression changes it means I have to wonder what you're doing and what my response should be. If I can't see your expression change I don't have to react to it. I'm only interested in what you're saying so just let me listen. If you want to convey something non-verbal to me then learn to use your words better.
It's not just the lack of need to look someone in the eye...it just feels uncomfortable, I feel exposed and nasty. I don't know what's being asked of me. It's like the other person is trying to establish a bond that I'm not hapy with, like a hug from a stanger.
I tend to deal with some people better than others. When my boss talks to me I try and force myself to look. Mainly cos he's always bollocking me about being aloof. When my co-workers talk to me I try and look at them cos I know it means something to them. I can vary between holding eye contact if we're in a factual conversation, down to making eye contact briefly and frequently but only for a moment before looking away again if we're having anything else. However if you’re serving me a Big Mac or I'm paying for my petrol then forget about it…seriously.
However there is one kind of person I just can't look in the face. There is also a faint tie to my childhood in this respect also, as there was someone in my school with this "trait" much like I have a co-worker with it now - the person who speaks every line like it's a joke. I'm sure you know the person…they're not funny, not at all, but they want to be. So they speak every line with a comedic intonation and a put-on smile cos they know that when they smile the rules dictate you smile also. Well I don't follow the rules, I hate the tone you use to speak when nothing you say is funny, and I hate the grin plastered all over your face. I can't genuinely react to any of it so I can't look at it. I found it hard to deal with as a child, but with my co-worker as we are in a technical environment I use the "thoughtful look away". I look intently into the near distance as if deep in thought, contemplating what they're saying as if it was a great mystery. Or I'll just look at my own monitor as if what I'm doing is so important I can't look away, but I'll still try and talk to you.
It's an annoying trait only found in people with no sense of humour at all, people with very little personality. Rather than be funny, they paint what they say with the trappings of funny as if that on its own makes it funny. And as nothing they say is funny they don't bother discriminating, they just do it with everything they say. Seriously. They can tell you what they had for breakfast but their tone will rise and their grin will widen as if delivering a punchline. I HATE IT. If you're the type of person who only ever gets "nervous laughs" to your constant verbal diarrhoea then just stop doing it…people aren't laughing cos they find you funny, they're doing it cos you're making them uncomfortable.
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