Purely by chance I have 3 DVD players but only one I really use, and it's in my living room and surrounds me in widescreen 5.1 goodness. As time has gone on it has got more and more picky when it comes to playing DVDs and it usually takes quite a few goes before it will accept that there is a playable DVD in the tray. I know there is nothing wrong with the DVDs as they work in my other two players instantly but I'm now approaching about 50 eject/retry attempts before a DVD is played and I have now reached the stage when I've given up. I have three DVDs queued to play and my player just isn't having it :(
Movies are quite an important part of my life so tomorrow at lunch I will try and track down a similar performing DVD player with built-in 5.1 to replace my increasingly faulty one. Until then I guess I'll just have to watch a movie on another DVD player attached to a rubbish TV, in my bedroom and with no 5.1.
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
You know you have Asperger's when...
...you contemplate using plastic cutlery and paper plates so you don't have to do any washing up
...you eat with no top on because it is easier than washing your clothes if (when) you make a mess
...the pot hasn't been cleaned since yesterday but you cooked soup it in then and you're cooking soup in it now so decide that cleaning it isn't really necessary
...you eat with no top on because it is easier than washing your clothes if (when) you make a mess
...the pot hasn't been cleaned since yesterday but you cooked soup it in then and you're cooking soup in it now so decide that cleaning it isn't really necessary
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
The year is waking up
It seems that the weather is finally getting better and we're getting the odd bout of Sun. I wanted to go into work to get some overtime done without the constant attention my co-workers require. As usual I decided to take a walk to work rather than drive as it's only a half hour walk and it's through some gardens and then the town centre.
The Sun was out, the tennis courts were full, and as I approached the town square there was a crowd gathered and I could hear something musical, and making my way to the crowd there was a beat-boxer busking with a mic and portable amplifier. He was really good so I stood there and listened to him do his stuff. He used a loop machine as well and to better effect than anyone I'd ever seen; some of his stuff was quite incredible. The crowd ebbed and flowed but I remained until the end and as the crowd dissipated I went over to talk to him, and it was strange, like he was expecting me. The second the music stopped he looked right at me and watched as I made my way toward him. I dropped some coins into his hat and complimented him on his performance. It turns out he was MC Xander and I asked him if he knew Dub FX. He smiled and said he did and that they were friends. It's amazing how you can talk to some random person in the country and based on their musical interests ask if they know someone else and they do. It really is a small world. I asked what festivals he did and chatted for a brief while but I felt a bit awkward and I never know if people want to talk, or if he just wanted to get his stuff packed up so he could leave. So I left him to it and pressed on.
I popped into a bakery for some food then sat in another nearby park on a bench with the Sun in my face and ate my food and watched the world drift by. I didn't really want to leave, but work was waiting for me.
I cant wait for Summer to fully start when there'll always be something on, always someone busking or performing, always a local festival to drop in on and have a few beers, and the bars overlooking the beach for when there aren't.
The Sun was out, the tennis courts were full, and as I approached the town square there was a crowd gathered and I could hear something musical, and making my way to the crowd there was a beat-boxer busking with a mic and portable amplifier. He was really good so I stood there and listened to him do his stuff. He used a loop machine as well and to better effect than anyone I'd ever seen; some of his stuff was quite incredible. The crowd ebbed and flowed but I remained until the end and as the crowd dissipated I went over to talk to him, and it was strange, like he was expecting me. The second the music stopped he looked right at me and watched as I made my way toward him. I dropped some coins into his hat and complimented him on his performance. It turns out he was MC Xander and I asked him if he knew Dub FX. He smiled and said he did and that they were friends. It's amazing how you can talk to some random person in the country and based on their musical interests ask if they know someone else and they do. It really is a small world. I asked what festivals he did and chatted for a brief while but I felt a bit awkward and I never know if people want to talk, or if he just wanted to get his stuff packed up so he could leave. So I left him to it and pressed on.
I popped into a bakery for some food then sat in another nearby park on a bench with the Sun in my face and ate my food and watched the world drift by. I didn't really want to leave, but work was waiting for me.
I cant wait for Summer to fully start when there'll always be something on, always someone busking or performing, always a local festival to drop in on and have a few beers, and the bars overlooking the beach for when there aren't.
Monday, 2 March 2009
Mozart and the Whale
I'd heard rumblings about this movie and how it was about Asperger's Syndrome (AS) however I could never find it in the stores. Turns out there is a reason for that…it's not available in the stores and had quite a limited release. So I had to get a copy on the internet and even then couldn't get a British version; it's Dutch with Dutch text on the box, English language and Dutch subtitles, but you can turn the subtitles off.
It's a story about a man with AS who runs a local autistic group and his relationship with a girl, who also has AS, who starts attending the group. It's unlikely to be of much (if any) interest to people not interested in Asperger's as the story alone isn't really enough to carry the movie. However it's based on real events and real people so you can only really use what you have to work with.
The protagonist did exhibit your classic AS traits and they did seem a little bit exaggerated. He had very bad eye contact, but it wasn't just eye contact he could barely face the same direction as the person he was speaking to. He also had a fascination with numbers and maths and I swear at times a hint of "I'm an excellent driver" appeared in his accent.
The love interest had quite a different set of traits and was the lesser affected of the two. Her two main issues were thinking without speaking and offending people and she had sensory problems with metallic sounds. It was an interesting way of showing how two people with the same syndrome can actually behave in completely different ways. Like most people with AS I probably identified with some traits but not others. Probably the most interesting for me was the state of his apartment. Again I'm not sure if it has been exaggerated and I'm certainly not as bad, but it was strange seeing how he lived on screen then looking around at the many empty cans, pizza boxes, diner plates, newspapers etc that litter my own floor. Also regarding his apartment the windows were just taped up with newspapers. I'm not that bad but my curtains or blinds are never even drawn, they're always closed. Those kinds of things spoke to me and made it feel like the subject matter was very well understood. I'm sure other people will have their own "moments" that they connect most with.
The other thing that really struck me to an incredibly freaky degree was the closeness of the people at the group in this movie with those of the social group that I attend. It really was scary in places.
Ultimately though it's just "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy regains girl". Outside of the AS angle not only is there nothing particularly meaty in the story…but it suffers from the weakest Hollywood cliché where everyone is gorgeous and the guy still gets the girl.
It's definitely one to check out though, I'm not aware of any other movies based around AS. Well, as with all things AS the self-diagnosed internet brigade begs to differ and they claim that any movie with a "quirky" or "socially awkward" protagonist is about AS.
It's a story about a man with AS who runs a local autistic group and his relationship with a girl, who also has AS, who starts attending the group. It's unlikely to be of much (if any) interest to people not interested in Asperger's as the story alone isn't really enough to carry the movie. However it's based on real events and real people so you can only really use what you have to work with.
The protagonist did exhibit your classic AS traits and they did seem a little bit exaggerated. He had very bad eye contact, but it wasn't just eye contact he could barely face the same direction as the person he was speaking to. He also had a fascination with numbers and maths and I swear at times a hint of "I'm an excellent driver" appeared in his accent.
The love interest had quite a different set of traits and was the lesser affected of the two. Her two main issues were thinking without speaking and offending people and she had sensory problems with metallic sounds. It was an interesting way of showing how two people with the same syndrome can actually behave in completely different ways. Like most people with AS I probably identified with some traits but not others. Probably the most interesting for me was the state of his apartment. Again I'm not sure if it has been exaggerated and I'm certainly not as bad, but it was strange seeing how he lived on screen then looking around at the many empty cans, pizza boxes, diner plates, newspapers etc that litter my own floor. Also regarding his apartment the windows were just taped up with newspapers. I'm not that bad but my curtains or blinds are never even drawn, they're always closed. Those kinds of things spoke to me and made it feel like the subject matter was very well understood. I'm sure other people will have their own "moments" that they connect most with.
The other thing that really struck me to an incredibly freaky degree was the closeness of the people at the group in this movie with those of the social group that I attend. It really was scary in places.
Ultimately though it's just "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy regains girl". Outside of the AS angle not only is there nothing particularly meaty in the story…but it suffers from the weakest Hollywood cliché where everyone is gorgeous and the guy still gets the girl.
It's definitely one to check out though, I'm not aware of any other movies based around AS. Well, as with all things AS the self-diagnosed internet brigade begs to differ and they claim that any movie with a "quirky" or "socially awkward" protagonist is about AS.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Things I've been doing
I thought that rather than just having Asperger's Syndrome (AS) I'd see if I could benefit or gain anything from the various support groups that are out there. To this end I have started attending two monthly groups in particular. It's a start anyway.
I'm pretty much a cuckoo at the first group as it isn't really intended for people with AS but for people who have to care for adults with AS. Basically it's a meeting full of my parents. What it does give me is an interesting insight into the affect that AS has on other people. Having it myself I was never aware of the affect it was having on other people and I always thought everything I did was normal and without consequence. Not being able to pick up on non-verbal clues meant that I was probably annoying people and not realising. Also as it is a support group for carers they are quite candid about the issues, probably more so than if the people they care for were present. They often have guest speakers as well who are involved in local autistic services. Again not much use to me but I have discovered the existence of some social groups in my area that I didn't know existed.
Talking of social groups, the second group I am attending is a social group for people with autism, not just AS. I was a bit nervous about going to this one in case it made me question my own diagnosis as there are some rather common AS traits that I don't really identify with. On a certain level I was worried that people would be "more AS" than me. For the first meeting I pretty much sat and said nothing, but I tend to do that when meeting a lot of new people anyway. The fact that they were "my kind" didn't make any difference.
There are people who attend that are very much textbook AS, and I do wonder if they think I'm an imposter and that I can't possibly have AS as I don't behave like they do. This social group has also shown me the importance of an autistic-focussed environment. Although I didn't say a whole lot my first time around, I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't go home feeling guilty wondering if they thought I was shy or weird. I instinctively knew that no-one was judging my social skills and that just being present was enough to gain acceptance. This is the only social group I am involved with currently; I might try the one I found out about in the previous group I mentioned, however for now I think once a month is enough for me. It messes with my routine enough as it is :)
I'm pretty much a cuckoo at the first group as it isn't really intended for people with AS but for people who have to care for adults with AS. Basically it's a meeting full of my parents. What it does give me is an interesting insight into the affect that AS has on other people. Having it myself I was never aware of the affect it was having on other people and I always thought everything I did was normal and without consequence. Not being able to pick up on non-verbal clues meant that I was probably annoying people and not realising. Also as it is a support group for carers they are quite candid about the issues, probably more so than if the people they care for were present. They often have guest speakers as well who are involved in local autistic services. Again not much use to me but I have discovered the existence of some social groups in my area that I didn't know existed.
Talking of social groups, the second group I am attending is a social group for people with autism, not just AS. I was a bit nervous about going to this one in case it made me question my own diagnosis as there are some rather common AS traits that I don't really identify with. On a certain level I was worried that people would be "more AS" than me. For the first meeting I pretty much sat and said nothing, but I tend to do that when meeting a lot of new people anyway. The fact that they were "my kind" didn't make any difference.
There are people who attend that are very much textbook AS, and I do wonder if they think I'm an imposter and that I can't possibly have AS as I don't behave like they do. This social group has also shown me the importance of an autistic-focussed environment. Although I didn't say a whole lot my first time around, I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't go home feeling guilty wondering if they thought I was shy or weird. I instinctively knew that no-one was judging my social skills and that just being present was enough to gain acceptance. This is the only social group I am involved with currently; I might try the one I found out about in the previous group I mentioned, however for now I think once a month is enough for me. It messes with my routine enough as it is :)
Monday, 16 February 2009
You should have been in my shoes yesterday
When I was younger I used to walk a lot. It all started when I was a teenager still living at home with my parents. I'd sneak out the backdoor when everyone else was in bed and just walk and walk. We had a dog at the time which was quite active so I would take it with me and she loved it too. When it heard me come creeping down the stairs, or go near the back door at night it'd prick its ears up, asking if we were going out again.
I was born and raised in Scotland by the shore so there were always loads of walks, loads of great views and interesting places. I'd have all sorts of routes I'd go on, a lot by the shore, but some high up to the hills behind my home town where you could see for miles. When you have insomnia and a mind that never stops racing, just getting out for a walk can be quite calming and relaxing and I'd always have my Walkman for company. It beats being cooped up indoors with things just running over and over in your mind. Even when the dog eventually passed away I'd still go on the same walks into the early hours.
When I had to move away from home to spend my placement year in industry I was once again by the coast, once again racked with insomnia and restless thoughts. The difference now was that I didn't need to sneak out, but I still had miles and miles and coastal walks, walks around town too. This was back when Sunday trading laws were still tight and the whole town centre would be deserted like a scene from "28 Days Later". I don't know where everybody went…but I still walked around.
For my first real job after university I moved into a land-locked concrete jungle, however I was soon finding good routes to walk at night, although walking soon gave way to driving and I'd go on nightly jaunts in my car rather than walking. Again I'd have all sorts of routes that would loop through local towns and villages, maybe stopping at a service station along the way, then back home.
When I stopped living on my own the walking kind of stopped. The main reason is that people thought it was "odd". How could I explain to a girl that I was just nipping out for an hour or so. "Where are you going?" "Nowhere, just for a walk." "Where?" "Nowhere really". In fact I even recall being stopped by the police on one of my early hours sojourns and they wanted to know what I was doing out at such an hour. "Nothing, just walking". When the late-night walks stopped I think a part of me stopped too.
I have moved again and once more I have found myself back at the coast, I don't think I could ever really live away it from it now. I've been here for years but still no routes. No walking routes or driving routes. Instead I spend the early hours watching DVDs or TV or drinking or playing my XBOX. I was feeling quite cooped up and agitated tonight. I'd had a bad day at work and was feeling anxious about a few things. To get myself out of the flat I took a walk to Blockbuster for some popcorn to accompany my movie for the night. It's only a 10 minute walk so I was there and back with my salted treats in no time. Except I didn't go back into the flat, I just tossed them into the porch and headed out to the beach.
I can't believe in all the time I've lived here I've never taken a late-night walk down to the beach. It wasn't that late so some people were still there, disturbing the silence. The piers are closed but there was a small group sitting around a fire on the beach playing acoustic guitars. Further along people were still kicking a ball around under the promenade lights. I took the long walk away from the promenade, into the darkness and toward where the waves were crashing. Such a sound, it's hypnotic. I walked along the water line where the sand was firm under foot and not hard to walk on at all. The sounds of the guitars and balls were soon lost to the sea's waves and I stared across the massive, black void to be alone with my thoughts.
I was born and raised in Scotland by the shore so there were always loads of walks, loads of great views and interesting places. I'd have all sorts of routes I'd go on, a lot by the shore, but some high up to the hills behind my home town where you could see for miles. When you have insomnia and a mind that never stops racing, just getting out for a walk can be quite calming and relaxing and I'd always have my Walkman for company. It beats being cooped up indoors with things just running over and over in your mind. Even when the dog eventually passed away I'd still go on the same walks into the early hours.
When I had to move away from home to spend my placement year in industry I was once again by the coast, once again racked with insomnia and restless thoughts. The difference now was that I didn't need to sneak out, but I still had miles and miles and coastal walks, walks around town too. This was back when Sunday trading laws were still tight and the whole town centre would be deserted like a scene from "28 Days Later". I don't know where everybody went…but I still walked around.
For my first real job after university I moved into a land-locked concrete jungle, however I was soon finding good routes to walk at night, although walking soon gave way to driving and I'd go on nightly jaunts in my car rather than walking. Again I'd have all sorts of routes that would loop through local towns and villages, maybe stopping at a service station along the way, then back home.
When I stopped living on my own the walking kind of stopped. The main reason is that people thought it was "odd". How could I explain to a girl that I was just nipping out for an hour or so. "Where are you going?" "Nowhere, just for a walk." "Where?" "Nowhere really". In fact I even recall being stopped by the police on one of my early hours sojourns and they wanted to know what I was doing out at such an hour. "Nothing, just walking". When the late-night walks stopped I think a part of me stopped too.
I have moved again and once more I have found myself back at the coast, I don't think I could ever really live away it from it now. I've been here for years but still no routes. No walking routes or driving routes. Instead I spend the early hours watching DVDs or TV or drinking or playing my XBOX. I was feeling quite cooped up and agitated tonight. I'd had a bad day at work and was feeling anxious about a few things. To get myself out of the flat I took a walk to Blockbuster for some popcorn to accompany my movie for the night. It's only a 10 minute walk so I was there and back with my salted treats in no time. Except I didn't go back into the flat, I just tossed them into the porch and headed out to the beach.
I can't believe in all the time I've lived here I've never taken a late-night walk down to the beach. It wasn't that late so some people were still there, disturbing the silence. The piers are closed but there was a small group sitting around a fire on the beach playing acoustic guitars. Further along people were still kicking a ball around under the promenade lights. I took the long walk away from the promenade, into the darkness and toward where the waves were crashing. Such a sound, it's hypnotic. I walked along the water line where the sand was firm under foot and not hard to walk on at all. The sounds of the guitars and balls were soon lost to the sea's waves and I stared across the massive, black void to be alone with my thoughts.
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
As lacking in social skills that I am, there is one arrow I seem to have in my quiver in that I think I have a good sense of humour. Now I suppose everyone says that, however if I rationally analyse a social gathering (which I can easily do, after all I'm always on the outside looking in even if we're standing next to each other) then my jokes seem to get more and harder laughs. Unfortunately it does leave me looking a little like Chandler from "Friends" in that I stand there until I have something funny to say, then shut up waiting for the next joke to float along. This is to the extent that I have actually had people watch my face, smiling already, as I add something not intended to be funny to a conversation only for their face to relax at the end and add "oh sorry…I thought you were telling a joke." Hell, I've even had some people say I should be a stand up comedian, and I admit I've thought about giving it a go, however I'll stop short of believing my own hype for the time being.
I actually think that my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) has something to do with this…in a "God giveth and God taketh away" kind of deal. The same "out of the box" thinking that helps me in my computing career can seemingly also be used to find the funny lines that others didn't think of, and find them quite quickly too. Add to that my lack of empathy and "nothing is too much" attitude, not only can I seem to find lines that others didn't think of, but my range of possible material is also a lot more diverse as no subjects are "taboo" to me. And even if the end result is not taboo in itself, you can sometimes get there going by way of areas that are taboo.
This wide-ranging aspect to humour is something that I have learned to temper as I have gotten older. Like most social aspects, people with AS have to learn what comes naturally to others. I have had to learn (unfortunately by trial and error) that not everyone finds certain topics funny, and there are some things that you are seemingly never allowed to joke about, mainly gallows humour. However again I tend to apply my rational way of thinking to gallows type jokes and will crack them anyway and if people are offended I can go off on a lecture about how gallows humour has always existed and it is important to help people deal with difficult situations. What I have learned about gallows humour on my own travels is that it seems to split people into two camps…those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation via humour, and those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation by chastising gallows humour via righteous indignation. No matter what camp you lie in, gallows humour is at least of some use for you.
In a way I'm glad that it is at least one social skill that I have. It means that if I am in a group conversation it usually gives me the odd thing to chip in here and there (although it means waiting for others to do the ground work). I also think it gives people something they can warm to about you; it gives you a facet of personality, a hint of likability…just "something". Alas you can't build a circus on a one-trick pony, and if anything it might also make people not take you seriously and think you just mess around and that's all you are. Also as someone or something is usually the butt of a joke it can maybe also make you appear a bit negative and bitchy. Still, overall I don't mind, it's my "thing". If you can make someone laugh it's always good, and girls seem to say they like someone with a sense of humour and I've found that to be fairly true. I'd never go as far as to say I have "laughed someone into bed" (maybe out of one) but my sense of humour has always been a fairly large part of my relationships. Getting back to the one-trick show, however, it's a precarious edge to balance a whole relationship on.
I actually think that my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) has something to do with this…in a "God giveth and God taketh away" kind of deal. The same "out of the box" thinking that helps me in my computing career can seemingly also be used to find the funny lines that others didn't think of, and find them quite quickly too. Add to that my lack of empathy and "nothing is too much" attitude, not only can I seem to find lines that others didn't think of, but my range of possible material is also a lot more diverse as no subjects are "taboo" to me. And even if the end result is not taboo in itself, you can sometimes get there going by way of areas that are taboo.
This wide-ranging aspect to humour is something that I have learned to temper as I have gotten older. Like most social aspects, people with AS have to learn what comes naturally to others. I have had to learn (unfortunately by trial and error) that not everyone finds certain topics funny, and there are some things that you are seemingly never allowed to joke about, mainly gallows humour. However again I tend to apply my rational way of thinking to gallows type jokes and will crack them anyway and if people are offended I can go off on a lecture about how gallows humour has always existed and it is important to help people deal with difficult situations. What I have learned about gallows humour on my own travels is that it seems to split people into two camps…those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation via humour, and those for whom it is a tool to help them deal with a situation by chastising gallows humour via righteous indignation. No matter what camp you lie in, gallows humour is at least of some use for you.
In a way I'm glad that it is at least one social skill that I have. It means that if I am in a group conversation it usually gives me the odd thing to chip in here and there (although it means waiting for others to do the ground work). I also think it gives people something they can warm to about you; it gives you a facet of personality, a hint of likability…just "something". Alas you can't build a circus on a one-trick pony, and if anything it might also make people not take you seriously and think you just mess around and that's all you are. Also as someone or something is usually the butt of a joke it can maybe also make you appear a bit negative and bitchy. Still, overall I don't mind, it's my "thing". If you can make someone laugh it's always good, and girls seem to say they like someone with a sense of humour and I've found that to be fairly true. I'd never go as far as to say I have "laughed someone into bed" (maybe out of one) but my sense of humour has always been a fairly large part of my relationships. Getting back to the one-trick show, however, it's a precarious edge to balance a whole relationship on.
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