I took a trip to that there London to take in a show. I was going with my girlfriend and I guess the actual show we saw was not particularly relevant, it was more the overall experience of staying in London and going to the theatre that was important. The first choice of play was no longer running when we were planning to go so she chose The Curious Incident as she'd heard good things about it. She didn't actually know it was about someone who has Asperger's Syndrome (AS) when she chose it, she only found out when doing some research after choosing it.
What's curious (pun unintended) is that the author has gone on record to say he regrets saying that the protagonist has AS. However I think that is some splash-back from The Big Bang Theory effect. Many fans of that show suspect the character Sheldon has AS but the un-confirmed nature of it (he doesn't have AS, by the way) means that people can discuss the issue to their heart's content, with people arguing each side back and forth. When you come out and flat admit your character has AS it robs you of that potential for on-line discussion. Having seen the play though, the character clearly has AS.
I'm not a big fan of live theatre to be honest, and having paid for the tickets even less so. If theatres and producers want more people to start going to the theatre they're going to have to stop charging ridiculous prices. However given that a movie is seen by millions and a play is seen by hundreds, bringing live theatre to the masses may well remain a pipe dream, leaving it only to those who do it not because they enjoy it but because it is so expensive and they think it makes them cultured. £500 family night outs so that Olivia and Finlay have something to write about in English class. Given I could have gone to the cinema with my girlfriend 10 times for the same cost I don't think it was particularly good value for money.
Anyway...the play itself :) I'm going to say some things in general about the play, then I'll say some things that have minor spoilers, and then some things with more major spoilers but I'll preface each section with spoiler warnings so if you plan on seeing the play yourself (or reading the book) please feel free to stop reading at the point you feel most comfortable.
In the production I saw the stage itself was also a character. It was like a big black cube with a rear wall that could move back and forth, and it was possible to project shapes and images on the walls and floor to convey the emotions of the characters or for more pragmatic issues such as indicating doorways. There were about three major, constant characters (the protagonist and his parents) but there were lots of minor characters, or crowd scenes etc, that were all played by a handful of additional actors (some played multiple characters) who all remained on stage, sitting on the seat that the edges of the box formed, stepping into the scene only when needed. So the way the play was physically performed made it quite fluid and dynamic.
The story revolves around a boy with AS who discovers a dead dog one night and his quest to find the person responsible for its death. Now we're getting into some minor spoilers so you have been warned. The first act of the play was probably the one I found the most enjoyable, it was kind of a who-dunnit boy-adventure story that involved humorous interrogations of neighbours etc. The second and third acts ran out of steam somewhat. The second act was particularly dull for myself as it was basically an attempt to replicate how someone with AS perceives the world, however I don't want to pay that much money just to be told something I already know :)
Now we're going to get into some of the more major spoilers so you have been warned. The story gradually morphs into a fairly cliché family drama about divorced parents coping to deal with a psychologically demanding child, and overall it left me feeling less than entertained. It was as if they played all their strongest cards first as the opening was quite entertaining and unique and played heavily with the mindset of someone with AS, whereas the later acts focussed on the baggage of someone with AS. The later acts were pretty similar to any episode of Eastenders you'd care to watch.
The thing I found most interesting was that about half way through the play the protagonist sits an exam and there is a mathematical question asked that he answers, and he then says to the audience that he will explain how he worked the answer out later on. When the play was over, everyone got up to leave and they started filing past us. I stayed in my seat and my girlfriend said "Are we going?" to which I replied "No, I want to hear how he solved the maths problem." People were constantly excuse-me-ing past us and I could sense my girlfriend was getting irritated, so I added "He said he'd explain how he solved it and he hasn't yet". Staring at me, not really knowing how to answer, she was sure I was having one of my "annoying moments" (she hates it when I don't do what normal people are doing) the lights suddenly came on bright and the protagonist exploded on stage...all sorts of mathematical symbols were projected, rotating on the walls, and the protagonist asked if we'd like to know how he solved the maths problem. At this point people shuffled back to their seats en masse for the encore.
How did I know the play wasn't over? Because he said he would explain how he did it, and when someone with AS says they're going to do something, they do it.
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Thursday, 18 June 2015
Rubik's Cube
I recently had a few weeks off work, and in that time there were some things I wanted to do as well as just the usual admin stuff that builds up when you don't have the chance to tackle it. One of the things I wanted to do was learn to solve the Rubik's Cube..
Now when I say "solve", I don't mean I worked out a method of solving it myself; I'm no maths genius, I was quite happy following someone else's solution. I mainly wanted to do it "just because"...geek kudos maybe? But it turns out to have been more beneficial than I first gave it credit for. One of the things about me (and possibly other people with Asperger's Syndrome) is that I seem to get a certain comfort from repetitive tasks, or procedural tasks. I also quite like keeping my hands busy, so when the two combine I'm like a pig in muck. For example if there are cards to hand I'll just sit and shuffle them repeatedly, put them back into order, then shuffle again and so on. Before looking to solve "the cube" I actually had no idea what was involved, but it turns out it is just a number of sets of moves, and the puzzle can be solved by simply learning these moves, then executing them in sequence. No real knowledge of what you are doing is actually required.
So...sets of repetitive moves done in sequence using a device you manipulate with your hands? Why didn't I think of this sooner? So now my cube stays with me and in an evening I'll shuffle it, solve it, shuffle it, solve it, and it plays to a lot of things I quite enjoy doing. And girls love it, there is nothing a woman finds sexier than a man who can solve a cube.
If you're like me and enjoy these kinds of things then I'd definitely recommend you give this a go. It's not super easy to learn, but it's not that hard either, you just need to put in the time. I looked at a few on-line guides and I actually found the one on the official Rubik's Cube site to be the easiest to follow, and there are some videos there as well. There are seven stages needed to complete the thing from start to finish, so what I set out to do was learn one stage a day. Knowing how the brain works, and how we learn things, I thought this was the best way of doing it. By doing the same stage over and over and over it is easier to get that task committed to memory, and to fully master that stage. The next day I would learn the next task, so was doing the previous tasks again (once more, lots of repetition) as well as learning that day's stage on top. I stuck to this plan and on the seventh day I was doing an ok job at solving it (all God did on the seventh day was rest). I would still have to refer to the solution from time to time to refresh my memory of the moves, but with practice it gets easier and easier, and I can now solve it every time without any need to refer to the guide.
The stages themselves start off fairly easy but they get exponentially harder, and for the latter stages there are often two different algorithms you need to know depending on how the cube is currently configured. Given there are about 7 steps to the latter algorithms and a stage can require two to solve, that's 14 things that need committed to memory which is way beyond the short-term mental abilities of humans, so the only way to fully learn is simply by rote....just keep doing it and doing it and eventually it stops being a series of steps and instead becomes muscle memory.
By the way...I lied about women finding it sexy. Sorry.
Now when I say "solve", I don't mean I worked out a method of solving it myself; I'm no maths genius, I was quite happy following someone else's solution. I mainly wanted to do it "just because"...geek kudos maybe? But it turns out to have been more beneficial than I first gave it credit for. One of the things about me (and possibly other people with Asperger's Syndrome) is that I seem to get a certain comfort from repetitive tasks, or procedural tasks. I also quite like keeping my hands busy, so when the two combine I'm like a pig in muck. For example if there are cards to hand I'll just sit and shuffle them repeatedly, put them back into order, then shuffle again and so on. Before looking to solve "the cube" I actually had no idea what was involved, but it turns out it is just a number of sets of moves, and the puzzle can be solved by simply learning these moves, then executing them in sequence. No real knowledge of what you are doing is actually required.
So...sets of repetitive moves done in sequence using a device you manipulate with your hands? Why didn't I think of this sooner? So now my cube stays with me and in an evening I'll shuffle it, solve it, shuffle it, solve it, and it plays to a lot of things I quite enjoy doing. And girls love it, there is nothing a woman finds sexier than a man who can solve a cube.
If you're like me and enjoy these kinds of things then I'd definitely recommend you give this a go. It's not super easy to learn, but it's not that hard either, you just need to put in the time. I looked at a few on-line guides and I actually found the one on the official Rubik's Cube site to be the easiest to follow, and there are some videos there as well. There are seven stages needed to complete the thing from start to finish, so what I set out to do was learn one stage a day. Knowing how the brain works, and how we learn things, I thought this was the best way of doing it. By doing the same stage over and over and over it is easier to get that task committed to memory, and to fully master that stage. The next day I would learn the next task, so was doing the previous tasks again (once more, lots of repetition) as well as learning that day's stage on top. I stuck to this plan and on the seventh day I was doing an ok job at solving it (all God did on the seventh day was rest). I would still have to refer to the solution from time to time to refresh my memory of the moves, but with practice it gets easier and easier, and I can now solve it every time without any need to refer to the guide.
The stages themselves start off fairly easy but they get exponentially harder, and for the latter stages there are often two different algorithms you need to know depending on how the cube is currently configured. Given there are about 7 steps to the latter algorithms and a stage can require two to solve, that's 14 things that need committed to memory which is way beyond the short-term mental abilities of humans, so the only way to fully learn is simply by rote....just keep doing it and doing it and eventually it stops being a series of steps and instead becomes muscle memory.
By the way...I lied about women finding it sexy. Sorry.
Friday, 22 August 2014
Death and taxes
Yeah I know, long time no blog. Quite sure I've already posted about this (I think I have anyway), but I suppose I started this blog to discuss my childhood, growing up, my life etc, and now I feel that I've done that, I only really have a need to blog occasionally when something happens that warrants it.
Something has been on my mind for a while, something I've blogged about previously. Not at the forefront of my mind, but at the back of it, the kind of things that you only start to worry about as an adult as these things, no matter how far back in your mind you put them, time slowly drags them to the front, under some cruel force of gravity.
Not long ago my mother passed away. She was ill for a short time, but seriously ill, however her death was still unexpected. Maybe one of the more horrible things about this post is that (trust me) I'm not posting this for sympathy; I've long feared how I would react, how I would feel...and now it has happened I can finally dissect it like some cancerous tumour.
It was hard when she got quite ill as the pressure to be a "better son" was mounting from my father. As I've already said, we've never really been a close family and I've never really had much to do with my dad, but now I was getting voicemail messages that made it perfectly clear he was less than happy with the fact that I wasn't calling her enough etc. The final call came when I was at work. My dad never calls when I'm at work. When I saw the number flash on my screen, I just knew what it was. I steeled myself, and answered. I have to admit I felt nothing at all. I tried to react as best I could but didn't really know what to say. My dad talking about it a bit, replacing emotion for pragmatism, and after the call I went back to work. Didn't tell my colleagues or anything, I just got on with my day.
I travelled up to stay with my dad for the funeral and my brother and sister did also. They got there a few days before I did, which I was glad of. I was also glad they were there, period, as I genuinely didn't know how I'd cope. Not from grief, but for myself. I've never seen any emotion from my dad at all, but he was breaking down crying at least once a day, and it was just awful, but my sister did the whole comforting thing while my brother and I just sat there feeling uncomfortable. My dad was also quite quick to anger about everything. I didn't blame him though, you just had to stand there and bear it. However I think a lot of it was just years of resentment coming out over what disappointing children we'd all been. Stood in the kitchen, listening to shouting, burned bacon excised to the bin by oncologist father, blaming the oven, the gas, the hob...everything but what he really wanted to blame.
They say these things bring people closer together and I guess it did with my siblings for the few days we were all together. My brother and my sister usually talk away about stuff I'm not interested in, but this time we had a common "thing" to talk about. I told my brother that I was glad he had children, that it was obvious our mum wanted to be a grandmother as her face always lit up when she saw babies on the street. I confessed that I will never have children and I can't see my sister having them either, so I was glad he did have them and gave her the chance to be a grandmother. He didn't say anything in response, but he did wipe a tear from his eye.
As a complete outsider, even to my own family, some things were a bit of a revelation to me. My dad spoke a little about things my mum was involved in that I didn't really know about...about sponsored African children and all things of that nature. The various relatives I met, and the eulogy etc, all spoke greatly of how much she loved her family, and so on, about how religious she was etc. My sister talked about how "dignified" and "proud" my mother was, and how she would have felt about the illness in her final months. None of these are things I'd really have associated with my mum. I don't know if people were just speaking well of the dead, or if the world just revolves oblivious to my observations.
It was a hard couple of days but I got through it, and now...well, life goes on as before really. Obviously I know all about grief, the grieving process etc, but I haven't experienced any of that. It just hasn't really had any negative effect on me at all. I don't mean any judgement by that, I don't pass any and I don't want any. I'm just telling you, my readers, that my mother died and it meant nothing to me. I don't know if that is because I have Asperger's Syndrome (AS), or if I'm just a horrible person.
The "will I" "won't I" about telling my parents I have AS has never really been an issue for me. I lived over half my life without a diagnosis, I always struggled by and I resolved that I would live the end of my life as I started it. I never had any excuses, and now I have a diagnosis I don't want them. And now the whole issue is half moot.
Something has been on my mind for a while, something I've blogged about previously. Not at the forefront of my mind, but at the back of it, the kind of things that you only start to worry about as an adult as these things, no matter how far back in your mind you put them, time slowly drags them to the front, under some cruel force of gravity.
Not long ago my mother passed away. She was ill for a short time, but seriously ill, however her death was still unexpected. Maybe one of the more horrible things about this post is that (trust me) I'm not posting this for sympathy; I've long feared how I would react, how I would feel...and now it has happened I can finally dissect it like some cancerous tumour.
It was hard when she got quite ill as the pressure to be a "better son" was mounting from my father. As I've already said, we've never really been a close family and I've never really had much to do with my dad, but now I was getting voicemail messages that made it perfectly clear he was less than happy with the fact that I wasn't calling her enough etc. The final call came when I was at work. My dad never calls when I'm at work. When I saw the number flash on my screen, I just knew what it was. I steeled myself, and answered. I have to admit I felt nothing at all. I tried to react as best I could but didn't really know what to say. My dad talking about it a bit, replacing emotion for pragmatism, and after the call I went back to work. Didn't tell my colleagues or anything, I just got on with my day.
I travelled up to stay with my dad for the funeral and my brother and sister did also. They got there a few days before I did, which I was glad of. I was also glad they were there, period, as I genuinely didn't know how I'd cope. Not from grief, but for myself. I've never seen any emotion from my dad at all, but he was breaking down crying at least once a day, and it was just awful, but my sister did the whole comforting thing while my brother and I just sat there feeling uncomfortable. My dad was also quite quick to anger about everything. I didn't blame him though, you just had to stand there and bear it. However I think a lot of it was just years of resentment coming out over what disappointing children we'd all been. Stood in the kitchen, listening to shouting, burned bacon excised to the bin by oncologist father, blaming the oven, the gas, the hob...everything but what he really wanted to blame.
They say these things bring people closer together and I guess it did with my siblings for the few days we were all together. My brother and my sister usually talk away about stuff I'm not interested in, but this time we had a common "thing" to talk about. I told my brother that I was glad he had children, that it was obvious our mum wanted to be a grandmother as her face always lit up when she saw babies on the street. I confessed that I will never have children and I can't see my sister having them either, so I was glad he did have them and gave her the chance to be a grandmother. He didn't say anything in response, but he did wipe a tear from his eye.
As a complete outsider, even to my own family, some things were a bit of a revelation to me. My dad spoke a little about things my mum was involved in that I didn't really know about...about sponsored African children and all things of that nature. The various relatives I met, and the eulogy etc, all spoke greatly of how much she loved her family, and so on, about how religious she was etc. My sister talked about how "dignified" and "proud" my mother was, and how she would have felt about the illness in her final months. None of these are things I'd really have associated with my mum. I don't know if people were just speaking well of the dead, or if the world just revolves oblivious to my observations.
It was a hard couple of days but I got through it, and now...well, life goes on as before really. Obviously I know all about grief, the grieving process etc, but I haven't experienced any of that. It just hasn't really had any negative effect on me at all. I don't mean any judgement by that, I don't pass any and I don't want any. I'm just telling you, my readers, that my mother died and it meant nothing to me. I don't know if that is because I have Asperger's Syndrome (AS), or if I'm just a horrible person.
The "will I" "won't I" about telling my parents I have AS has never really been an issue for me. I lived over half my life without a diagnosis, I always struggled by and I resolved that I would live the end of my life as I started it. I never had any excuses, and now I have a diagnosis I don't want them. And now the whole issue is half moot.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Adam Lanza and the Newtown shooting
It has been mentioned that Adam Lanza, who recently killed his mother then went on to kill students at school, had Asperger's Syndrome (AS). I'm not going to get too deep into the issues surrounding if AS would cause a person to do these things. We all know that having AS doesn't directly equate to being a violent psychopath, however I'm not going to shy away from the fact that it might be a participating factor, especially when combined with other mental health issues. I'm sure there are already lots of blog posts on this subject already telling people that those with AS aren't violent people...but saying that those with AS are not violent is just a big a generalisation as saying that those with AS will end up on a mass shooting spree.
I think what is important to realise is that mental health isn't direct cause and effect, it's not a binary system of people with "this" do "that". No single thing causes someone like Adam to decide to shoot people dead, it's an amalgamation of a lifetime of experiences, probably combined with one or more mental health issues. However people are keen to dissect everything into constituent parts and put each part into a pot and depending on their own prejudices they blame a certain pot, as if that pot can be treated in isolation. People who are anti-gun will say it was his access to guns that did it, some people will say it was his mental health issues, some say it was his loner attitude...everyone wants to focus on one thing and blame it rather than accepting that it was a combination of lots of factors, not the result of a single thing. We have to remember that this is a person who shot his own mother in the head 4 times...I don't know exactly what his issues were, but I think it is safe to say he had them, and had a lot of them.
What prompted me to write about this issue was an article I saw in a UK tabloid newspaper called The Sun. It was an opinion-piece written by The Sun columnist Denise Welch. You might not be familiar with Denise Welch so I shall fill you in on who she is. She was an actress in soap operas on UK television and went on to appear on a show called "Loose Women" (if you're American, it is like "The View"), which is a show that popularises and celebrates misandry. Denise had an affair during her first marriage, her second marriage was to someone 15 years her junior, and during "Celebrity Big Brother" she got into a hot tub topless (at over 50 years old) to flirt with men half her age whilst exposing herself to the nation. Basically, she is what we Brits refer to as "a real class act".
Denise has also suffered from depression and is quite outspoken about mental health issues in the media and tries to use her celebrity to bring attention to these issues. Altruistic? Or just trying to get people to pity her, and to excuse her her transgressions? Regardless. She choose to do a column on this shooting, and what drove Adam to do these things. First up was his mental health issues. Denise used this as an opportunity to bring up her own depression and the stigma society has around those with mental health problems. She was quick to point out that not everyone with mental health issues are "nutters", so she dismissed that this shooting was a result of his mental health.
Right...let's take a moment to digest this. Here is a man with a known history of mental health problems who shot his own mother then went on to gun down innocent children, then kill himself...and because Denise has suffered from depression she thinks it was nothing to do with mental health issues? Is she serious? I don't want to trivialise depression, or claim that there is some form of "pecking order" to mental illnesses, but to equate depression with severe personality disorders that drive people to kill? I was speechless. Because Denise has suffered from depression and hasn't gone on a killing spree, no killing spree is the result of mental health issues?
So what does Denise blame this tragedy on? What did spur Adam on to cause this atrocity, in her opinion? Video games.
Denise, I know you think you're helping by bringing attention to mental health issues, but when your opinions are as whack as this, you're really being no help whatsoever.
I think what is important to realise is that mental health isn't direct cause and effect, it's not a binary system of people with "this" do "that". No single thing causes someone like Adam to decide to shoot people dead, it's an amalgamation of a lifetime of experiences, probably combined with one or more mental health issues. However people are keen to dissect everything into constituent parts and put each part into a pot and depending on their own prejudices they blame a certain pot, as if that pot can be treated in isolation. People who are anti-gun will say it was his access to guns that did it, some people will say it was his mental health issues, some say it was his loner attitude...everyone wants to focus on one thing and blame it rather than accepting that it was a combination of lots of factors, not the result of a single thing. We have to remember that this is a person who shot his own mother in the head 4 times...I don't know exactly what his issues were, but I think it is safe to say he had them, and had a lot of them.
What prompted me to write about this issue was an article I saw in a UK tabloid newspaper called The Sun. It was an opinion-piece written by The Sun columnist Denise Welch. You might not be familiar with Denise Welch so I shall fill you in on who she is. She was an actress in soap operas on UK television and went on to appear on a show called "Loose Women" (if you're American, it is like "The View"), which is a show that popularises and celebrates misandry. Denise had an affair during her first marriage, her second marriage was to someone 15 years her junior, and during "Celebrity Big Brother" she got into a hot tub topless (at over 50 years old) to flirt with men half her age whilst exposing herself to the nation. Basically, she is what we Brits refer to as "a real class act".
Denise has also suffered from depression and is quite outspoken about mental health issues in the media and tries to use her celebrity to bring attention to these issues. Altruistic? Or just trying to get people to pity her, and to excuse her her transgressions? Regardless. She choose to do a column on this shooting, and what drove Adam to do these things. First up was his mental health issues. Denise used this as an opportunity to bring up her own depression and the stigma society has around those with mental health problems. She was quick to point out that not everyone with mental health issues are "nutters", so she dismissed that this shooting was a result of his mental health.
Right...let's take a moment to digest this. Here is a man with a known history of mental health problems who shot his own mother then went on to gun down innocent children, then kill himself...and because Denise has suffered from depression she thinks it was nothing to do with mental health issues? Is she serious? I don't want to trivialise depression, or claim that there is some form of "pecking order" to mental illnesses, but to equate depression with severe personality disorders that drive people to kill? I was speechless. Because Denise has suffered from depression and hasn't gone on a killing spree, no killing spree is the result of mental health issues?
So what does Denise blame this tragedy on? What did spur Adam on to cause this atrocity, in her opinion? Video games.
Denise, I know you think you're helping by bringing attention to mental health issues, but when your opinions are as whack as this, you're really being no help whatsoever.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Internal / external
One thing that is probably a common source of frustration to people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) are the difficulties in dating, finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. It's annoying in two ways...first, we all want someone special in our lives, maybe people with AS more than others as someone with AS' significant other is probably the only person in their life they feel close to. Second, it's annoying that the things that other people seem to find easy to do is impossible for us to do. My own personal philosophy on this is that I am working to recognise my strengths and my weaknesses in this area. I have come to accept that I'll never be the type to go up to a stranger in a bar and start talking to them, or to approach someone in the other common dating hunting grounds. My own strengths tend to be with women that are in my life anyway, the getting to know people as friends first as a segue to something deeper, as that timeframe gives me time to get comfortable (and therefore, "myself") with these people. I also tend to do better with women that communicate with mainly through electronic mediums. It is this system of strengths and weakness that I try and manipulate in my favour. Basically, I have always seem my AS as my problem that I have to deal with.
However, I have been spending time analysing the behaviours of other AS sufferers on dating sites and relationship forums, and it seems that there is another way of looking at things...that your AS is actually everyone else's problem, and that everyone else should make allowances for you, they should "give you a chance" when they wouldn't normally. That people who can't "see past" your awkwardness and deficiencies are somehow shallow or bad people.
It made me think back to when I used to attend a support group and one of the members was a mother whose daughter had AS, and she would go into detail about all the help she is given from the school, the local authorities, universities and so on. I remember thinking at the time, "What about when she gets into the real world and people stop making allowances for her?" I grew up undiagnosed so no-one ever made a single allowance for me in my entire life. I grew up "the hard way". It's great that increased awareness of the condition means children are diagnosed early and get support, but is this frustration in dating the result of all that support?
Schools, the council, the police and so on...they often have legal obligations to make allowances for "disability" (in the UK, autistic orders are classed as disabilities when it comes to legal matters), but private individuals don't. Have these children grown up thinking that all through life everyone will make allowances for them? Now that they are old enough to live outside of the system, they are probably experiencing culture shock...for the first time in their lives, someone is not making allowances. A private individual, be it a friend or a potential partner, is treating them the same way that they would treat anyone else.
I think it demonstrates the balance that has to be maintained. There is nothing wrong with giving children support, but we have to be careful it doesn't become mollycoddling, that we're not wrapping them up in cotton wool. When children are given extra help, we should ensure that it is equally made clear to them that when they grow up and enter society, not everyone is going to make allowances. That private individuals are going to treat them the same way they will treat everyone else. That life is going to be hard, and sometimes unfair, but there is no point in whining about it and blaming everyone else.
However, I have been spending time analysing the behaviours of other AS sufferers on dating sites and relationship forums, and it seems that there is another way of looking at things...that your AS is actually everyone else's problem, and that everyone else should make allowances for you, they should "give you a chance" when they wouldn't normally. That people who can't "see past" your awkwardness and deficiencies are somehow shallow or bad people.
It made me think back to when I used to attend a support group and one of the members was a mother whose daughter had AS, and she would go into detail about all the help she is given from the school, the local authorities, universities and so on. I remember thinking at the time, "What about when she gets into the real world and people stop making allowances for her?" I grew up undiagnosed so no-one ever made a single allowance for me in my entire life. I grew up "the hard way". It's great that increased awareness of the condition means children are diagnosed early and get support, but is this frustration in dating the result of all that support?
Schools, the council, the police and so on...they often have legal obligations to make allowances for "disability" (in the UK, autistic orders are classed as disabilities when it comes to legal matters), but private individuals don't. Have these children grown up thinking that all through life everyone will make allowances for them? Now that they are old enough to live outside of the system, they are probably experiencing culture shock...for the first time in their lives, someone is not making allowances. A private individual, be it a friend or a potential partner, is treating them the same way that they would treat anyone else.
I think it demonstrates the balance that has to be maintained. There is nothing wrong with giving children support, but we have to be careful it doesn't become mollycoddling, that we're not wrapping them up in cotton wool. When children are given extra help, we should ensure that it is equally made clear to them that when they grow up and enter society, not everyone is going to make allowances. That private individuals are going to treat them the same way they will treat everyone else. That life is going to be hard, and sometimes unfair, but there is no point in whining about it and blaming everyone else.
Saturday, 1 December 2012
What's good for the goosestepper...
I was reading the following article on the BBC's website about Hitler's personality
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20237437
and a few things caught my eye. His avoidance of small talk, his annoying voice, his general social inadequacy. Normally when people mention these things about the famous dead, they are quick to follow up that the person must have had Asperger's Syndrome (AS). I didn't read that in this article though, and now I come to think of it I've never seen Hitler's name on any of those internet lists about all the great people who "must have had" AS. After all, it's such a gift, such a wonderful thing that makes you an exemplary human being...right? ;)
Hitler does feature on the Wikipedia article about famous people posthumously diagnosed, but I see he has a special note that indicates people disagree and think there isn't enough evidence for a diagnosis. Yet we know more about him than many other distance historical figures as he has only just passed from living memory.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20237437
and a few things caught my eye. His avoidance of small talk, his annoying voice, his general social inadequacy. Normally when people mention these things about the famous dead, they are quick to follow up that the person must have had Asperger's Syndrome (AS). I didn't read that in this article though, and now I come to think of it I've never seen Hitler's name on any of those internet lists about all the great people who "must have had" AS. After all, it's such a gift, such a wonderful thing that makes you an exemplary human being...right? ;)
Hitler does feature on the Wikipedia article about famous people posthumously diagnosed, but I see he has a special note that indicates people disagree and think there isn't enough evidence for a diagnosis. Yet we know more about him than many other distance historical figures as he has only just passed from living memory.
Friday, 12 October 2012
Double D Dilemma
When I was away, it took me a while to settle into the town I was living, and find things like a good pub to spend time in, reading a book. I visited most a few times, then settled on a particular one. It wasn't too quiet, or too busy. They had decent music on the jukebox, but it wasn't loud. But most of all, the barmaid was pretty hot lol. Not "classically" beautiful, but she was very pretty, lovely auburn hair, great figure. She didn't work every night, only a few a week but I liked to go when she was there.
I normally only stay for one drink and a read of my book, but one particular day I decided to stay for more. There was a group of "lads" in at the bar and it was all very interesting for me. When the barmaid was at the bar they were all trying to chat her up, but quite disrespectfully. I suppose this is the "cheeky" attitude and confidence that men think women like. When the barmaid was away from the bar, collecting glasses and whatnot, the guys would talk about her amongst themselves, again in quite disrespectful tones. I'm not going to moralise on the way they spoke among themselves, as I'd be a liar if I said that I've never had some below-the-belt banter with friends. But it was obvious they all saw her as some kind of prize...literally. Just a notch on the bedpost, made valuable as she was "hard to get". When she returned they'd be asking her if she was single, asking her out for a drink and so on, all advances batted away in a tone that made her consider them disingenuous.
They didn't stay all night and soon left. Two other guys came in, older guys...late 40s maybe. Already so drunk they could barely walk. Propped at the bar they spoke among themselves. Within about two minutes of the barmaid turning up, one of the drunks tottered forward and in a slur asked her if she was "dating". She replied that she wasn't, he then asked if she'd like to go out for a drink with him. Bearing in mind, she is a beautiful girl in her early 30s and he's a drunken wretch, late 40s, face like a road map (google maps, not Apple maps), in a suit I don't doubt he woke up in. She politely declined and said she wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. "Wha? Pretty girl like you?" he slurred before slinking off the toilet. When he was gone, she explained to his slightly more sober companion that she had been single since starting work at this bar some years ago, that it just put her off men. Having been a fly in a book for the evening I guess I can understand why. Each man was in the bar barely 5 minutes before they were asking her out, all just wanting to fuck the local barmaid. How can you possibly tell who is genuine?
I'm the opposite of these people. Not by choice, but by genetics. It made me think back to a few of my relationships and in a way I wonder if that has actually helped me? The fact that I don't go chasing girls, I don't go asking all and sundry out, draping myself over them and obviously lusting after them. More aloof, I get to know girls and let them get to know me and if things happen then great for me.
I normally only stay for one drink and a read of my book, but one particular day I decided to stay for more. There was a group of "lads" in at the bar and it was all very interesting for me. When the barmaid was at the bar they were all trying to chat her up, but quite disrespectfully. I suppose this is the "cheeky" attitude and confidence that men think women like. When the barmaid was away from the bar, collecting glasses and whatnot, the guys would talk about her amongst themselves, again in quite disrespectful tones. I'm not going to moralise on the way they spoke among themselves, as I'd be a liar if I said that I've never had some below-the-belt banter with friends. But it was obvious they all saw her as some kind of prize...literally. Just a notch on the bedpost, made valuable as she was "hard to get". When she returned they'd be asking her if she was single, asking her out for a drink and so on, all advances batted away in a tone that made her consider them disingenuous.
They didn't stay all night and soon left. Two other guys came in, older guys...late 40s maybe. Already so drunk they could barely walk. Propped at the bar they spoke among themselves. Within about two minutes of the barmaid turning up, one of the drunks tottered forward and in a slur asked her if she was "dating". She replied that she wasn't, he then asked if she'd like to go out for a drink with him. Bearing in mind, she is a beautiful girl in her early 30s and he's a drunken wretch, late 40s, face like a road map (google maps, not Apple maps), in a suit I don't doubt he woke up in. She politely declined and said she wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. "Wha? Pretty girl like you?" he slurred before slinking off the toilet. When he was gone, she explained to his slightly more sober companion that she had been single since starting work at this bar some years ago, that it just put her off men. Having been a fly in a book for the evening I guess I can understand why. Each man was in the bar barely 5 minutes before they were asking her out, all just wanting to fuck the local barmaid. How can you possibly tell who is genuine?
I'm the opposite of these people. Not by choice, but by genetics. It made me think back to a few of my relationships and in a way I wonder if that has actually helped me? The fact that I don't go chasing girls, I don't go asking all and sundry out, draping myself over them and obviously lusting after them. More aloof, I get to know girls and let them get to know me and if things happen then great for me.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Vindication to vilification
I've just finished my first stint of temporary work away from home, coming back on the train at the weekend. It wasn't the best situation, a lot of travelling and not much of a weekend, and spending your evenings in a stray town...but it worked out ok.
I think the most important thing I got was the feedback from the client. There are skills I think I have that make me perfect for this type of work, and the client pretty much named them all when I was finishing up as a reason for why they liked me working there. I enjoyed the work, and the people were good too. They were social and we always went out together at lunchtime. It was good just being in a normal company around normal people again. It gave my confidence a boost too to hear the client say how happy they were with my work.
I had my next piece of work lined up before I finished my last so I knew I'd only have two weeks off in between. I was hoping it would alleviate the anxiety I had between jobs the last time, but it simply replaced one anxiety with another...I had a lot of things to sort out so it has made my time off feel a bit rushed. I also failed to stop descending into quite a negative life pattern. With nothing really to fill the days, and no routine, I just swam around in alcohol. I was a bit more structured last time, but no gym, no book reading...just trying to fill the day with anything until it became a socially-acceptable time to start drinking, and that time got earlier and earlier each day.
I start my next job soon, and while the endless travel is not something I am looking forward to (or finding a place to stay), I am looking forward to getting back to work. Back to a solid daily routine, as without one I just fall apart.
I think the most important thing I got was the feedback from the client. There are skills I think I have that make me perfect for this type of work, and the client pretty much named them all when I was finishing up as a reason for why they liked me working there. I enjoyed the work, and the people were good too. They were social and we always went out together at lunchtime. It was good just being in a normal company around normal people again. It gave my confidence a boost too to hear the client say how happy they were with my work.
I had my next piece of work lined up before I finished my last so I knew I'd only have two weeks off in between. I was hoping it would alleviate the anxiety I had between jobs the last time, but it simply replaced one anxiety with another...I had a lot of things to sort out so it has made my time off feel a bit rushed. I also failed to stop descending into quite a negative life pattern. With nothing really to fill the days, and no routine, I just swam around in alcohol. I was a bit more structured last time, but no gym, no book reading...just trying to fill the day with anything until it became a socially-acceptable time to start drinking, and that time got earlier and earlier each day.
I start my next job soon, and while the endless travel is not something I am looking forward to (or finding a place to stay), I am looking forward to getting back to work. Back to a solid daily routine, as without one I just fall apart.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Once more unto the breach
Well I was right to be worried about how I would spend my time between jobs. In the immediate aftermath I was drinking a lot, for days on end. That calmed down a little but it was fairly tough overall. In order to keep some form of control, I would set my alarm for midday and try and get out of bed in fairly good time. I'd get something to eat, check emails etc, then in the afternoon I'd study my way through a technical book to learn some new skills.
It made the weekends fairly pointless, though, as technically every day was a weekend :) I was out of work for about four weeks in total. The start was the hardest part but as the days wore on it got better. Unfortunately I wasn't attending the gym though, and my normal routine was firmly out of the window.
As the days turned into weeks I have to admit one of the reasons I didn't start looking for work was that I was anxious I wouldn't get any. That I'd be one of those struggling people, pounding the phones for hours on end, getting nothing but knock-backs and rejections. In a way I was simply guarding my self-esteem.
It was after three weeks that I thought I should really start looking, as it might have taken two weeks to find something. On the Monday I submitted my CV to some job sites, and I had three interviews lined up on Wednesday, so I guess it turned out ok in the end. I accepted one of them on Wednesday too and started the following Monday. It's a few hundred miles away from where I live, so I am renting a room there Monday through Friday and returning "home" at the weekend. I'm managed to join a small gym in the area too.
Through the week it's a fairly miserable existence. I get up around 7am, go to work, get back to my digs at 6.30. Maybe go to the gym, back to digs for something from the microwave, up to my room like a naughty teenager where I have no TV, and the internet isn't always on. I go to bed around midnight, get up and start all over again. A large chunk of the weekends are taken up with travel too, so you don't quite get the full impact of those either.
In a way, I was thinking that the drudgery of this way of life is something that keeps my mind occupied. Something that "excuses" me from not leading a normal life like other people. There is no room in this way of life for friends, relationships, or anything tangible, solid, or lasting. Instead my mind simply keeps itself occupied with thoughts of the following day.
As for the job itself, it's actually quite good. Good firm too, and normal. It's nothing like my last job at all. I found that job to be very isolating, where I have always maintained that work is a good thing as it gives you chances to be social, to be among people. This company is staffed with people my age and younger, there is a lot of chat and banter, people go out for lunch together. There is a large kitchen where you can just mill around and chat to people. People in the company are really friendly, too, and I've had a few people introduce themselves in the kitchen, noting that I'm new etc. It's given me back that "something" that I lost at my other job. Even the way to work itself, and back again...I am using public transport (train) and it gives ample opportunity for being among seas of people too. Lots of people watching as you get to see the same people getting on, and off, at the same stops day in and day out.
The dress code is "casual" and most people adhere to it. Thing is, I don't "do" casual. I have smart, and I have "me" which I wouldn't want to wear to work. Having to iron shirts, trousers etc is a bit of a pain, so in order to "fit in" and also to reduce my laundry effort, I have bought some "casual" shirts to wear with my jeans. Shopping for the shirts was an unusual process, as it isn't something I normally do. I am completely indifferent to this type of fashion...how do you choose things you neither love nor hate? Is this how it is for everyone? A bunch of people traipsing around the shops buying clothes not because they like them, but because they are not offensive, and they need to dress like everyone less? Or does someone see the exact same shirts I lovelessly took from the rails, and think "Wow, that looks great, I'll be far more attractive to the opposite sex in that shirt"? It's not cheap either, what a total waste of money.
This job is set to run for about 3 moths so I'll see how it goes, and how I feel after. The whole nature of working somewhere Mon-Fri is what has been worrying me, and now that I'm doing it it's certainly no barrel of laughs, but I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel yet.
It made the weekends fairly pointless, though, as technically every day was a weekend :) I was out of work for about four weeks in total. The start was the hardest part but as the days wore on it got better. Unfortunately I wasn't attending the gym though, and my normal routine was firmly out of the window.
As the days turned into weeks I have to admit one of the reasons I didn't start looking for work was that I was anxious I wouldn't get any. That I'd be one of those struggling people, pounding the phones for hours on end, getting nothing but knock-backs and rejections. In a way I was simply guarding my self-esteem.
It was after three weeks that I thought I should really start looking, as it might have taken two weeks to find something. On the Monday I submitted my CV to some job sites, and I had three interviews lined up on Wednesday, so I guess it turned out ok in the end. I accepted one of them on Wednesday too and started the following Monday. It's a few hundred miles away from where I live, so I am renting a room there Monday through Friday and returning "home" at the weekend. I'm managed to join a small gym in the area too.
Through the week it's a fairly miserable existence. I get up around 7am, go to work, get back to my digs at 6.30. Maybe go to the gym, back to digs for something from the microwave, up to my room like a naughty teenager where I have no TV, and the internet isn't always on. I go to bed around midnight, get up and start all over again. A large chunk of the weekends are taken up with travel too, so you don't quite get the full impact of those either.
In a way, I was thinking that the drudgery of this way of life is something that keeps my mind occupied. Something that "excuses" me from not leading a normal life like other people. There is no room in this way of life for friends, relationships, or anything tangible, solid, or lasting. Instead my mind simply keeps itself occupied with thoughts of the following day.
As for the job itself, it's actually quite good. Good firm too, and normal. It's nothing like my last job at all. I found that job to be very isolating, where I have always maintained that work is a good thing as it gives you chances to be social, to be among people. This company is staffed with people my age and younger, there is a lot of chat and banter, people go out for lunch together. There is a large kitchen where you can just mill around and chat to people. People in the company are really friendly, too, and I've had a few people introduce themselves in the kitchen, noting that I'm new etc. It's given me back that "something" that I lost at my other job. Even the way to work itself, and back again...I am using public transport (train) and it gives ample opportunity for being among seas of people too. Lots of people watching as you get to see the same people getting on, and off, at the same stops day in and day out.
The dress code is "casual" and most people adhere to it. Thing is, I don't "do" casual. I have smart, and I have "me" which I wouldn't want to wear to work. Having to iron shirts, trousers etc is a bit of a pain, so in order to "fit in" and also to reduce my laundry effort, I have bought some "casual" shirts to wear with my jeans. Shopping for the shirts was an unusual process, as it isn't something I normally do. I am completely indifferent to this type of fashion...how do you choose things you neither love nor hate? Is this how it is for everyone? A bunch of people traipsing around the shops buying clothes not because they like them, but because they are not offensive, and they need to dress like everyone less? Or does someone see the exact same shirts I lovelessly took from the rails, and think "Wow, that looks great, I'll be far more attractive to the opposite sex in that shirt"? It's not cheap either, what a total waste of money.
This job is set to run for about 3 moths so I'll see how it goes, and how I feel after. The whole nature of working somewhere Mon-Fri is what has been worrying me, and now that I'm doing it it's certainly no barrel of laughs, but I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel yet.
Friday, 4 May 2012
Still alive
Long time no update. I guess everything is different now. I'm in a different town, different job, different lifestyle.
I suppose I'll start with my new digs. This town is much much quieter than where I was before. Smaller too. My flat is much better though, it's like night and day. I can hardly believe that I spent about 4 years at my old place. It's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you've experienced it, but having a better flat has immediately improved my quality of life in so many ways. I used to hate going back to my old flat, it was more like a prison, it just depressed me. Not that this place is a palace, but it is much bigger, cleaner, better decorated and everything works. It's a two bedroom place with lots of storage so I'm no longer surrounded by clutter, which makes everything more pleasant. It has a more modern boiler and heating with working timers, so I get instant hot water when I need it. This means I can get out of bed in the morning and right into a hot shower, so I'm showering every morning. I'm also having something to eat every morning too. These little things all make a difference. The main bedroom has a TV in it which I find helps me unwind before I go to sleep. I used to stay up til 2 or 3am before going to bed to be bored, lying awake. Now I can go to bed just whenever knowing that I can watch TV for a while before trying to go to sleep.
Being a smaller, quieter town everything is closer, including my new gym. Two hours at the gym now takes up 2 hours and 10 minutes of my time, not the 3 hours it used to, so I'm finding I have more spare time in general and my evenings are less hurried. I have my cafes and my takeaway places sorted. I can now spend the weekend not saying a word; every place I go to asks "usual?" as I enter. The downsides are that there is much less going on. The place is very quiet at the weekend. There is a place that has regular bands but they're always cover bands, though it's better than nothing. There is a comedy club too, and I'm going to the cinema more. I'm mainly doing the cinema and comedy club more simply because everything is quiet and nothing is busy :)
The thing I was most worried about was the aspects of running a company, but now that I'm in my stride it's actually fairly easy, nothing like the nightmare I thought it would be. The company I am working with right now isn't very good, the work isn't very good, but it's not forever. The bad news is that my stint there is being cut short. It was supposed to be for a year initially, but it's now down to about 7 or 8 months, basically I have a few weeks left.
I'm not too thrilled about that, as I moved on the promise that I'd have a least a year to settle in and save up a chunk of money. I doubt I'll get another job close by, so I might have to start commuting which will make my quality of life even lower than before. I'll be up earlier, back later, plus driving lots. If I get a job very far I might have to rent a room through the week and come back at the weekend, but what about the gym? I'm just going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it...which will be very soon indeed.
The move here and getting all set up was harder than I thought it would be. Getting settled and getting into a routine was harder. All the "things" I had to do like cancelling things, moving addresses etc was all harder. For weeks on end it seemed like I was just constantly doing things, phoning people, sending off forms. I was also spending my weekends driving back and forward, packing things and moving things so I had no down time...constant high anxiety.
I'm worried that the up-coming break in job is going to push me into a bad place again. I've never been unemployed or without a job to do in my entire life, but I'll be just that in a few weeks time until I can get something else sorted out. I'm not worried about money, that I have, I just fear how I'll spend my days and that I'll go back to drinking too much and being too anxious all the time. We'll see.
I suppose I'll start with my new digs. This town is much much quieter than where I was before. Smaller too. My flat is much better though, it's like night and day. I can hardly believe that I spent about 4 years at my old place. It's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you've experienced it, but having a better flat has immediately improved my quality of life in so many ways. I used to hate going back to my old flat, it was more like a prison, it just depressed me. Not that this place is a palace, but it is much bigger, cleaner, better decorated and everything works. It's a two bedroom place with lots of storage so I'm no longer surrounded by clutter, which makes everything more pleasant. It has a more modern boiler and heating with working timers, so I get instant hot water when I need it. This means I can get out of bed in the morning and right into a hot shower, so I'm showering every morning. I'm also having something to eat every morning too. These little things all make a difference. The main bedroom has a TV in it which I find helps me unwind before I go to sleep. I used to stay up til 2 or 3am before going to bed to be bored, lying awake. Now I can go to bed just whenever knowing that I can watch TV for a while before trying to go to sleep.
Being a smaller, quieter town everything is closer, including my new gym. Two hours at the gym now takes up 2 hours and 10 minutes of my time, not the 3 hours it used to, so I'm finding I have more spare time in general and my evenings are less hurried. I have my cafes and my takeaway places sorted. I can now spend the weekend not saying a word; every place I go to asks "usual?" as I enter. The downsides are that there is much less going on. The place is very quiet at the weekend. There is a place that has regular bands but they're always cover bands, though it's better than nothing. There is a comedy club too, and I'm going to the cinema more. I'm mainly doing the cinema and comedy club more simply because everything is quiet and nothing is busy :)
The thing I was most worried about was the aspects of running a company, but now that I'm in my stride it's actually fairly easy, nothing like the nightmare I thought it would be. The company I am working with right now isn't very good, the work isn't very good, but it's not forever. The bad news is that my stint there is being cut short. It was supposed to be for a year initially, but it's now down to about 7 or 8 months, basically I have a few weeks left.
I'm not too thrilled about that, as I moved on the promise that I'd have a least a year to settle in and save up a chunk of money. I doubt I'll get another job close by, so I might have to start commuting which will make my quality of life even lower than before. I'll be up earlier, back later, plus driving lots. If I get a job very far I might have to rent a room through the week and come back at the weekend, but what about the gym? I'm just going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it...which will be very soon indeed.
The move here and getting all set up was harder than I thought it would be. Getting settled and getting into a routine was harder. All the "things" I had to do like cancelling things, moving addresses etc was all harder. For weeks on end it seemed like I was just constantly doing things, phoning people, sending off forms. I was also spending my weekends driving back and forward, packing things and moving things so I had no down time...constant high anxiety.
I'm worried that the up-coming break in job is going to push me into a bad place again. I've never been unemployed or without a job to do in my entire life, but I'll be just that in a few weeks time until I can get something else sorted out. I'm not worried about money, that I have, I just fear how I'll spend my days and that I'll go back to drinking too much and being too anxious all the time. We'll see.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Big Brother again
Apologies for my non-UK readers, and the 99% of UK readers who don't watch Big Brother :)
There are two people who are interesting me this year. Well, three. I am finding Faye interesting as she is quite emotional and seems rather sensitive, but what interests me about her is that when someone does something she doesn't like, or says something that upsets her, she will spend a few minutes on her own and then go and talk to that person to explain what they said/did and how it upset/offended her. I'm the exact opposite; I'm a brooder. I wonder if things would be better and easier if that is how I behaved. I sometimes think that when someone does something to upset me I should say, but every time it does happen, all those thoughts go out the window and I retreat into myself and the shutters come down.
The flip side is that other people seem to be reacting badly to her and think she is too emotional. So is this a better way to behave, or not? Or is there a happy medium?
Aaron is also interesting. I see a lot of myself in him; we both seem to take things very personally and are "sensitive" and easily offended on very deep levels. Like me, he is also a brooder rather than a talker. Again this behaviour is also starting to annoy various other people, mainly with his withdrawn nature.
As well as being deeply offended maybe more easily than I should be, I also see myself as being the only one ever hurt in a situation, and that other people are indifferent and not feeling the hurt that I am. And that seems to deepen my despair. Further I find myself more likely to withdraw from a situation or circle in order to remove myself from the hurting presence, yet the other party never seems to feel the need. Again this piles more onto my misery as I feel that I have to suffer and stop doing things or going places whereas others just don't seem to care. I don't know if they do care and are also hurting but are better at hiding it, or not being affected by it, or if I'm just always being "too sensitive".
Regardless, it seems I always end up the "loser" in any given situation, the one who always has to adjust and suffer, and I see that in Aaron too.
The third thing to interest me is something that I've always suspected, but it is nice to see it played out in flesh and blood. No matter how big a dick you are, as long as you're attractive women will forgive you anything.
There are two people who are interesting me this year. Well, three. I am finding Faye interesting as she is quite emotional and seems rather sensitive, but what interests me about her is that when someone does something she doesn't like, or says something that upsets her, she will spend a few minutes on her own and then go and talk to that person to explain what they said/did and how it upset/offended her. I'm the exact opposite; I'm a brooder. I wonder if things would be better and easier if that is how I behaved. I sometimes think that when someone does something to upset me I should say, but every time it does happen, all those thoughts go out the window and I retreat into myself and the shutters come down.
The flip side is that other people seem to be reacting badly to her and think she is too emotional. So is this a better way to behave, or not? Or is there a happy medium?
Aaron is also interesting. I see a lot of myself in him; we both seem to take things very personally and are "sensitive" and easily offended on very deep levels. Like me, he is also a brooder rather than a talker. Again this behaviour is also starting to annoy various other people, mainly with his withdrawn nature.
As well as being deeply offended maybe more easily than I should be, I also see myself as being the only one ever hurt in a situation, and that other people are indifferent and not feeling the hurt that I am. And that seems to deepen my despair. Further I find myself more likely to withdraw from a situation or circle in order to remove myself from the hurting presence, yet the other party never seems to feel the need. Again this piles more onto my misery as I feel that I have to suffer and stop doing things or going places whereas others just don't seem to care. I don't know if they do care and are also hurting but are better at hiding it, or not being affected by it, or if I'm just always being "too sensitive".
Regardless, it seems I always end up the "loser" in any given situation, the one who always has to adjust and suffer, and I see that in Aaron too.
The third thing to interest me is something that I've always suspected, but it is nice to see it played out in flesh and blood. No matter how big a dick you are, as long as you're attractive women will forgive you anything.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Transient Man
My recent life upheaval is odd. Here I am, hating change but going through a change that is huge, and doing it voluntarily. At these times I always think back to my diagnosis when it was put to me that I had actually moved a few times, and for someone with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) that is unusual. I said that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do...and now is one of those times. Am I hating every second? Yes. Am I feeling incredibly anxious, worried and fearful? Yes. But, like going to the dentist, I know these are short-term concerns and within a month, two maximum, I'm sure I'll be over it and back to normal.
The strange thing is that when people hear what I'm doing they say things like "that's really brave", "what a big change", "I couldn't do that" and so on. I don't know if they're being polite saying these things, or if they mean them. When I think about it rationally...I'm in my late thirties having lived at a location for 6 years yet I can drop an entire life at the drop of a hat. Is that why people think I am being "brave"? Are they judging my life by their own standards? Are they thinking about what it must be like to leave all the friends and family behind? The upheaval of relocating with their partner, and children, to a new place?
The truth of the matter, of course, is that for me none of these things are an issue. I'm in my late thirties, I have been here 6 years yet have no friends, family or partner. I have nothing and no-one to miss. I am a totally transient human being. A bum with a car and a flat. The things I am stressing about are if I'll find a comic shop and a gym. My mother said to me that I'll have to "start over" and "make new friends". New friends?
I suppose, at a stretch, you could consider this a positive aspect of having AS.
The strange thing is that when people hear what I'm doing they say things like "that's really brave", "what a big change", "I couldn't do that" and so on. I don't know if they're being polite saying these things, or if they mean them. When I think about it rationally...I'm in my late thirties having lived at a location for 6 years yet I can drop an entire life at the drop of a hat. Is that why people think I am being "brave"? Are they judging my life by their own standards? Are they thinking about what it must be like to leave all the friends and family behind? The upheaval of relocating with their partner, and children, to a new place?
The truth of the matter, of course, is that for me none of these things are an issue. I'm in my late thirties, I have been here 6 years yet have no friends, family or partner. I have nothing and no-one to miss. I am a totally transient human being. A bum with a car and a flat. The things I am stressing about are if I'll find a comic shop and a gym. My mother said to me that I'll have to "start over" and "make new friends". New friends?
I suppose, at a stretch, you could consider this a positive aspect of having AS.
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Internet troll jailed
This story has been doing the rounds;
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-14894576
A man has been jailed for making offensive online comments about people who have died. It was only today that it has come out that the offender has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). The article above merely mentions it, but this article goes into a bit more detail;
http://www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk/Internet-troll-jailed-malicious-posts-dead/story-13321429-detail/story.html
It was argued that his AS meant he had no "theory of mind" so wouldn't have known how people would react to his postings. Thing is...does this come under lack of theory of mind? You might get confused about how people will react to things, I have experienced this myself numerous times....but I know that making jokes to a parent about their dead child is going to elicit a fairly bad reaction! Not always being able to understand what other people are feeling, or experiencing, doesn't mean you have no common sense. Also he must have known his actions would have been taken badly otherwise it wouldn't be trolling.
My favourite quote from the article is;
"Drinking alone he leads a very miserable existence"
Welcome to Asperger's :)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-14894576
A man has been jailed for making offensive online comments about people who have died. It was only today that it has come out that the offender has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). The article above merely mentions it, but this article goes into a bit more detail;
http://www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk/Internet-troll-jailed-malicious-posts-dead/story-13321429-detail/story.html
It was argued that his AS meant he had no "theory of mind" so wouldn't have known how people would react to his postings. Thing is...does this come under lack of theory of mind? You might get confused about how people will react to things, I have experienced this myself numerous times....but I know that making jokes to a parent about their dead child is going to elicit a fairly bad reaction! Not always being able to understand what other people are feeling, or experiencing, doesn't mean you have no common sense. Also he must have known his actions would have been taken badly otherwise it wouldn't be trolling.
My favourite quote from the article is;
"Drinking alone he leads a very miserable existence"
Welcome to Asperger's :)
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Big Brother
In the UK there is a new series of Big Brother. Big Brother (BB) is one of my favourite shows as it plays to a lot of my interests...I enjoy studying "normal" people (which is a stretch when it comes to BB).
I have to admit I'm not a big fan of the early days/weeks as everyone is still wearing their masks and is very obviously fake. I find that kind of behaviour quite tedious and annoying. I much prefer a week or so in when everyone is being their true selves.
This series it is on a different channel and they've gone for a different type of housemate. When it was on the last channel, every year it went further and further in a set direction, and that direction was the gay/"bi sexual" (the type of "bi sexual" that labels themselves as such as they think it makes them more interesting, but in reality they are no such thing). It got to the stage where each housemate was camper than the last and it all gets quite dull. This year, on the new channel, the housemates are all young and attractive ("almost" in some cases).
Oh.....my....God.
That's not me, by the way...that's just one of the 10 things that are said constantly. Jesus how tedious are these people?
"Who do you fancy?"
"What type of guy/girl do you go for?"
"Who's the best looking guy/girl here?"
"Would you have sex in the house?"
Guy to girl [after doing nothing but talk about all the girls he's "banged"] "That talk is all an act...I'm actually a really sensitive guy, I've never cheated on a girl" (while the girl twirls with her hair and seemingly falls for it all)
"How many people have you slept with?"
[to a girl] "Have you ever been with a girl?"
"Guy A's the fittest, but he's not my type...then Guy B, then Guy C..."
Constantly. That is all these people talk about day in, day out. Seriously...is that the only thing that occupies your tiny mind? I'm wondering if these people are ever going to settle down and start talking about other things, or (more to the point) start arguing.
I have to admit I'm not a big fan of the early days/weeks as everyone is still wearing their masks and is very obviously fake. I find that kind of behaviour quite tedious and annoying. I much prefer a week or so in when everyone is being their true selves.
This series it is on a different channel and they've gone for a different type of housemate. When it was on the last channel, every year it went further and further in a set direction, and that direction was the gay/"bi sexual" (the type of "bi sexual" that labels themselves as such as they think it makes them more interesting, but in reality they are no such thing). It got to the stage where each housemate was camper than the last and it all gets quite dull. This year, on the new channel, the housemates are all young and attractive ("almost" in some cases).
Oh.....my....God.
That's not me, by the way...that's just one of the 10 things that are said constantly. Jesus how tedious are these people?
"Who do you fancy?"
"What type of guy/girl do you go for?"
"Who's the best looking guy/girl here?"
"Would you have sex in the house?"
Guy to girl [after doing nothing but talk about all the girls he's "banged"] "That talk is all an act...I'm actually a really sensitive guy, I've never cheated on a girl" (while the girl twirls with her hair and seemingly falls for it all)
"How many people have you slept with?"
[to a girl] "Have you ever been with a girl?"
"Guy A's the fittest, but he's not my type...then Guy B, then Guy C..."
Constantly. That is all these people talk about day in, day out. Seriously...is that the only thing that occupies your tiny mind? I'm wondering if these people are ever going to settle down and start talking about other things, or (more to the point) start arguing.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
The sky at night
One app I was looking forward to getting, if I ever got an appropriate phone, was the Google Sky Map. It uses the phone's location and the positioning sensors to detect exactly where it is being pointed, and it shows a map of objects in the sky that tally with where the phone is pointing.
In a way I see constellations and stars like classic literature...something I admit I am ignorant of but would like to know more of as I feel it is every intelligent person's duty to know such things. I'd love to be able to look at the sky and know what the constellations and planets are.
The problem is that since I have got my new phone, and installed the app, the sky has usually been fairly cloudy. The other interesting thing is the effect of light pollution. In the city, if you look up you can't really see anything; like looking into God's headlights.
This is where the beach really comes into its own. On the beach, the whole city is behind you, as is all the light. As you walk from the promenade onto the sand, and look to the sky...it unveils itself like a sliding door. The effect is immediate and the orange fades to be replaced with purest black and all of the stars step out for you to witness.
I'm so glad the place I am moving to is also on the coast, however I have no idea what the beach is going to be like, or if where I live will even be within walking distance.
In a way I see constellations and stars like classic literature...something I admit I am ignorant of but would like to know more of as I feel it is every intelligent person's duty to know such things. I'd love to be able to look at the sky and know what the constellations and planets are.
The problem is that since I have got my new phone, and installed the app, the sky has usually been fairly cloudy. The other interesting thing is the effect of light pollution. In the city, if you look up you can't really see anything; like looking into God's headlights.
This is where the beach really comes into its own. On the beach, the whole city is behind you, as is all the light. As you walk from the promenade onto the sand, and look to the sky...it unveils itself like a sliding door. The effect is immediate and the orange fades to be replaced with purest black and all of the stars step out for you to witness.
I'm so glad the place I am moving to is also on the coast, however I have no idea what the beach is going to be like, or if where I live will even be within walking distance.
Saturday, 10 September 2011
My life v2.0
Well I got the job. I've handed in my notice and I'm in the middle of all the palaver that this entails. I was filling out forms most of today and trying to get ID photocopied (unsuccessfully). I'm concentrating on the job aspect at the moment, but soon I'm going to have to contemplate the moving aspect also. In the middle of all this I have my boiler problems to deal with. Despite me having been busy all day, I now have to make a start on getting my flat in order. I suppose it has all coincided fairly well, as I would have to have done this anyway.
So that's it. I'm leaving everything behind to start completely fresh somewhere new. I'm constantly wavering between relief, anticipation and fear. I'm sure this is going to be a good thing for me overall; I just need to get over the initial trauma of it all and get settled at the other end.
So that's it. I'm leaving everything behind to start completely fresh somewhere new. I'm constantly wavering between relief, anticipation and fear. I'm sure this is going to be a good thing for me overall; I just need to get over the initial trauma of it all and get settled at the other end.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Scary Times
For the recent past I've been seeking to change my employment. The same industry and job, but I've been trying to move into freelancing, though without much success. I won't deny my lack of success is knocking my confidence, however many freelance positions require an immediate start and being fully employed at the moment I need to give a month's notice and I hope it's that that's putting people off. Anyway, a possible position has come up that doesn't start for a month so my notice period won't be a factor, and I have a telephone interview later on this week. Once I've started freelancing and I no longer have notice periods I hope the work will be easier to find.
Yeah I've changed jobs before, but this possible move into freelancing is scary for many reasons. Jobs will be short lived and dotted around so there is going to be a lot of changes...to location and routine. It is the gym that is worrying me most...how can I keep regular gym attendance? It's hard to find just one gym you like, never mind moving around. It is going to involve moving, renting houses, and basically running your own company so dealing with taxes and money yourself. Dealing with accounts and lots of "things". To be honest it is scaring the s**t out of me. I know someone who already does it so I am planning on leaning on him a lot. Right now my anxiety is sky high, I just want this interview to be over with and a decision made. I almost feel like my whole life is in limbo at the moment until I know.
If the answer is "no", I admit I'll be crushed as this is a rare opportunity and I'll feel despondent if I fail. Maybe after the interview I won't even want the job? But if the answer is "yes"? So much is going to change so drastically so quickly. I'll probably look to live close to the job temporarily then move there permanently within a month. I won't feel bad about giving up my flat, I hate it here.
Anyway...I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not very good in interview situations.
You might be wondering what I'm going to get out of this? Well the money is better - this particular job, even though not permanent, will more than double my salary. I don't spend the money I do earn, but I'm hoping extra money will maybe give me more options in life. Give me more reasons to take time off and maybe do something with it, even if it is just chilling out and learning new things for my career.
I'm thinking also that maybe I need this? With all my recent troubles maybe I just need a clean break? To move from this town and leave everything behind? Especially this flat, I see it more as a jail than a home.
Yeah I've changed jobs before, but this possible move into freelancing is scary for many reasons. Jobs will be short lived and dotted around so there is going to be a lot of changes...to location and routine. It is the gym that is worrying me most...how can I keep regular gym attendance? It's hard to find just one gym you like, never mind moving around. It is going to involve moving, renting houses, and basically running your own company so dealing with taxes and money yourself. Dealing with accounts and lots of "things". To be honest it is scaring the s**t out of me. I know someone who already does it so I am planning on leaning on him a lot. Right now my anxiety is sky high, I just want this interview to be over with and a decision made. I almost feel like my whole life is in limbo at the moment until I know.
If the answer is "no", I admit I'll be crushed as this is a rare opportunity and I'll feel despondent if I fail. Maybe after the interview I won't even want the job? But if the answer is "yes"? So much is going to change so drastically so quickly. I'll probably look to live close to the job temporarily then move there permanently within a month. I won't feel bad about giving up my flat, I hate it here.
Anyway...I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not very good in interview situations.
You might be wondering what I'm going to get out of this? Well the money is better - this particular job, even though not permanent, will more than double my salary. I don't spend the money I do earn, but I'm hoping extra money will maybe give me more options in life. Give me more reasons to take time off and maybe do something with it, even if it is just chilling out and learning new things for my career.
I'm thinking also that maybe I need this? With all my recent troubles maybe I just need a clean break? To move from this town and leave everything behind? Especially this flat, I see it more as a jail than a home.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Everybody hurts
I know that people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) don't have a monopoly on feeling bad or upset after a break-up, that would be a fairly ridiculous thing to suggest. But I do sometimes wonder if AS affects us in different ways. I wonder if our general inability to handle or express our feelings makes things seem a little worse.
For myself, I get quite strong feelings of persecution. Like everyone is out to twist the knife. I wonder if I'm being too sensitive and maybe taking things people and seeing them in a worse light. I wonder if it is because everything is black or white, and at times likes these everything is just black. Every comment intended to be against me.
Maybe I'm just making excuses, trying to make myself feel better by using my AS as something to blame, when the reality is that this is how everyone feels. Maybe AS doesn't affect my feelings but I do wonder if it affects my actions, the results of how I choose to deal with these feelings.
My sense of persecution just grew and grew and eventually I did some stupid things, said some stupid things and burned a lot of bridges. A lot of them.
For myself, I get quite strong feelings of persecution. Like everyone is out to twist the knife. I wonder if I'm being too sensitive and maybe taking things people and seeing them in a worse light. I wonder if it is because everything is black or white, and at times likes these everything is just black. Every comment intended to be against me.
Maybe I'm just making excuses, trying to make myself feel better by using my AS as something to blame, when the reality is that this is how everyone feels. Maybe AS doesn't affect my feelings but I do wonder if it affects my actions, the results of how I choose to deal with these feelings.
My sense of persecution just grew and grew and eventually I did some stupid things, said some stupid things and burned a lot of bridges. A lot of them.
Saturday, 3 September 2011
New brooms
I'm not one for keeping with the Joneses, or with the Zeitgeists. I wait for things to break before I replace them, and mobile phones are no different. I had an old, "chunky" phone for years and years, but the sat nav on it finally stopped working. It was rubbish sat nav anyway, and I never used it as sat nav, but it was nice to have in an emergency. If I was on my own in the car somewhere new, and I couldn't find where I was going it was good as something to pull over and have a look at.
The other thing about old phones (and tech in general I guess) is that it is something that is socially acceptable to make fun out of people for. I guess you could even call it a minor form of bullying. Like when you get your hair cut a different way, people just can't stop themselves commenting when they see you - every time anyone saw my "untrendy" phone they had to mention it, as if I didn't know it was an old phone. It's something that gets fairly tedious, but I suppose people have to make themselves feel superior to other people wherever they can.
So I trotted off to the phone shop last week to ask if I could get an upgrade. The salesgirl took my phone and stared at it. It was probably older than she was. She tapped my details into the computer and asked rhetorically (I think) with some credulity, "How long have you had this?" She next brought up my "usage" and was similarly derisive that I was not in constant communication with the outside world.
Now that I have a new phone...like a new haircut people can't help themselves from commenting every time they see it. Some things I guess you just can't win.
The other thing about old phones (and tech in general I guess) is that it is something that is socially acceptable to make fun out of people for. I guess you could even call it a minor form of bullying. Like when you get your hair cut a different way, people just can't stop themselves commenting when they see you - every time anyone saw my "untrendy" phone they had to mention it, as if I didn't know it was an old phone. It's something that gets fairly tedious, but I suppose people have to make themselves feel superior to other people wherever they can.
So I trotted off to the phone shop last week to ask if I could get an upgrade. The salesgirl took my phone and stared at it. It was probably older than she was. She tapped my details into the computer and asked rhetorically (I think) with some credulity, "How long have you had this?" She next brought up my "usage" and was similarly derisive that I was not in constant communication with the outside world.
Now that I have a new phone...like a new haircut people can't help themselves from commenting every time they see it. Some things I guess you just can't win.
Friday, 2 September 2011
When life gets in the way
I'm a little worried and anxious right now. My boiler doesn't seem to be heating water as hot as it use to. It's above lukewarm, and just enough for a shower, but definitely not as hot as before. I think the element is on its way out, or it is all furred up. You might be thinking; "Get a plumber out, what's the big deal?" When you live in squalor like a tramp, these things are a big deal. I'm not equipped for emergencies, I can't have people over at the drop of a hat.
There is an element of serendipity here, as I have a week off work in a fortnight and I was planning on using it to give my flat a top-to-bottom clean up. If the water holds out until then, I'll continue with my plans and get a plumper out. If the heat degenerates quickly, or stops altogether, then I'm going to have to think of "something" to do until I have my week off work.
Update
Looks like it is almost terminal now. Showers aren't "cold" but they're not "warm" either. I might bring my cleaning efforts forward to next weekend instead, not sure how I can manage too long with no hot water. I can always shower at the gym (I need an excuse to start going every day) but there is doing dishes and things.
*sigh*
This is one of those times when I just need to buckle down, pull my socks up and take my finger out.
Starting next weekend....of course....
There is an element of serendipity here, as I have a week off work in a fortnight and I was planning on using it to give my flat a top-to-bottom clean up. If the water holds out until then, I'll continue with my plans and get a plumper out. If the heat degenerates quickly, or stops altogether, then I'm going to have to think of "something" to do until I have my week off work.
Update
Looks like it is almost terminal now. Showers aren't "cold" but they're not "warm" either. I might bring my cleaning efforts forward to next weekend instead, not sure how I can manage too long with no hot water. I can always shower at the gym (I need an excuse to start going every day) but there is doing dishes and things.
*sigh*
This is one of those times when I just need to buckle down, pull my socks up and take my finger out.
Starting next weekend....of course....
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