Asperger-4-Life

Big Brother again

2011-10-04T23:19:00.000+01:00

Apologies for my non-UK readers, and the 99% of UK readers who don't watch Big Brother :)

There are two people who are interesting me this year. Well, three. I am finding Faye interesting as she is quite emotional and seems rather sensitive, but what interests me about her is that when someone does something she doesn't like, or says something that upsets her, she will spend a few minutes on her own and then go and talk to that person to explain what they said/did and how it upset/offended her. I'm the exact opposite; I'm a brooder. I wonder if things would be better and easier if that is how I behaved. I sometimes think that when someone does something to upset me I should say, but every time it does happen, all those thoughts go out the window and I retreat into myself and the shutters come down.

The flip side is that other people seem to be reacting badly to her and think she is too emotional. So is this a better way to behave, or not? Or is there a happy medium?

Aaron is also interesting. I see a lot of myself in him; we both seem to take things very personally and are "sensitive" and easily offended on very deep levels. Like me, he is also a brooder rather than a talker. Again this behaviour is also starting to annoy various other people, mainly with his withdrawn nature.

As well as being deeply offended maybe more easily than I should be, I also see myself as being the only one ever hurt in a situation, and that other people are indifferent and not feeling the hurt that I am. And that seems to deepen my despair. Further I find myself more likely to withdraw from a situation or circle in order to remove myself from the hurting presence, yet the other party never seems to feel the need. Again this piles more onto my misery as I feel that I have to suffer and stop doing things or going places whereas others just don't seem to care. I don't know if they do care and are also hurting but are better at hiding it, or not being affected by it, or if I'm just always being "too sensitive".

Regardless, it seems I always end up the "loser" in any given situation, the one who always has to adjust and suffer, and I see that in Aaron too.

The third thing to interest me is something that I've always suspected, but it is nice to see it played out in flesh and blood. No matter how big a dick you are, as long as you're attractive women will forgive you anything.

Transient Man

2011-09-22T18:16:00.000+01:00

My recent life upheaval is odd. Here I am, hating change but going through a change that is huge, and doing it voluntarily. At these times I always think back to my diagnosis when it was put to me that I had actually moved a few times, and for someone with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) that is unusual. I said that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do...and now is one of those times. Am I hating every second? Yes. Am I feeling incredibly anxious, worried and fearful? Yes. But, like going to the dentist, I know these are short-term concerns and within a month, two maximum, I'm sure I'll be over it and back to normal.

The strange thing is that when people hear what I'm doing they say things like "that's really brave", "what a big change", "I couldn't do that" and so on. I don't know if they're being polite saying these things, or if they mean them. When I think about it rationally...I'm in my late thirties having lived at a location for 6 years yet I can drop an entire life at the drop of a hat. Is that why people think I am being "brave"? Are they judging my life by their own standards? Are they thinking about what it must be like to leave all the friends and family behind? The upheaval of relocating with their partner, and children, to a new place?

The truth of the matter, of course, is that for me none of these things are an issue. I'm in my late thirties, I have been here 6 years yet have no friends, family or partner. I have nothing and no-one to miss. I am a totally transient human being. A bum with a car and a flat. The things I am stressing about are if I'll find a comic shop and a gym. My mother said to me that I'll have to "start over" and "make new friends". New friends?

I suppose, at a stretch, you could consider this a positive aspect of having AS.

Internet troll jailed

2011-09-15T00:07:00.001+01:00

This story has been doing the rounds;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-14894576

A man has been jailed for making offensive online comments about people who have died. It was only today that it has come out that the offender has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). The article above merely mentions it, but this article goes into a bit more detail;

http://www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk/Internet-troll-jailed-malicious-posts-dead/story-13321429-detail/story.html

It was argued that his AS meant he had no "theory of mind" so wouldn't have known how people would react to his postings. Thing is...does this come under lack of theory of mind? You might get confused about how people will react to things, I have experienced this myself numerous times....but I know that making jokes to a parent about their dead child is going to elicit a fairly bad reaction! Not always being able to understand what other people are feeling, or experiencing, doesn't mean you have no common sense. Also he must have known his actions would have been taken badly otherwise it wouldn't be trolling.

My favourite quote from the article is;

"Drinking alone he leads a very miserable existence"

Welcome to Asperger's :)

Big Brother

2011-09-13T00:01:00.001+01:00

In the UK there is a new series of Big Brother. Big Brother (BB) is one of my favourite shows as it plays to a lot of my interests...I enjoy studying "normal" people (which is a stretch when it comes to BB).

I have to admit I'm not a big fan of the early days/weeks as everyone is still wearing their masks and is very obviously fake. I find that kind of behaviour quite tedious and annoying. I much prefer a week or so in when everyone is being their true selves.

This series it is on a different channel and they've gone for a different type of housemate. When it was on the last channel, every year it went further and further in a set direction, and that direction was the gay/"bi sexual" (the type of "bi sexual" that labels themselves as such as they think it makes them more interesting, but in reality they are no such thing). It got to the stage where each housemate was camper than the last and it all gets quite dull. This year, on the new channel, the housemates are all young and attractive ("almost" in some cases).

Oh.....my....God.

That's not me, by the way...that's just one of the 10 things that are said constantly. Jesus how tedious are these people?

"Who do you fancy?"
"What type of guy/girl do you go for?"
"Who's the best looking guy/girl here?"
"Would you have sex in the house?"
Guy to girl [after doing nothing but talk about all the girls he's "banged"] "That talk is all an act...I'm actually a really sensitive guy, I've never cheated on a girl" (while the girl twirls with her hair and seemingly falls for it all)
"How many people have you slept with?"
[to a girl] "Have you ever been with a girl?"
"Guy A's the fittest, but he's not my type...then Guy B, then Guy C..."

Constantly. That is all these people talk about day in, day out. Seriously...is that the only thing that occupies your tiny mind? I'm wondering if these people are ever going to settle down and start talking about other things, or (more to the point) start arguing.

The sky at night

2011-09-11T12:19:00.002+01:00

One app I was looking forward to getting, if I ever got an appropriate phone, was the Google Sky Map. It uses the phone's location and the positioning sensors to detect exactly where it is being pointed, and it shows a map of objects in the sky that tally with where the phone is pointing.

In a way I see constellations and stars like classic literature...something I admit I am ignorant of but would like to know more of as I feel it is every intelligent person's duty to know such things. I'd love to be able to look at the sky and know what the constellations and planets are.

The problem is that since I have got my new phone, and installed the app, the sky has usually been fairly cloudy. The other interesting thing is the effect of light pollution. In the city, if you look up you can't really see anything; like looking into God's headlights.

This is where the beach really comes into its own. On the beach, the whole city is behind you, as is all the light. As you walk from the promenade onto the sand, and look to the sky...it unveils itself like a sliding door. The effect is immediate and the orange fades to be replaced with purest black and all of the stars step out for you to witness.

I'm so glad the place I am moving to is also on the coast, however I have no idea what the beach is going to be like, or if where I live will even be within walking distance.

My life v2.0

2011-09-10T16:13:00.001+01:00

Well I got the job. I've handed in my notice and I'm in the middle of all the palaver that this entails. I was filling out forms most of today and trying to get ID photocopied (unsuccessfully). I'm concentrating on the job aspect at the moment, but soon I'm going to have to contemplate the moving aspect also. In the middle of all this I have my boiler problems to deal with. Despite me having been busy all day, I now have to make a start on getting my flat in order. I suppose it has all coincided fairly well, as I would have to have done this anyway.

So that's it. I'm leaving everything behind to start completely fresh somewhere new. I'm constantly wavering between relief, anticipation and fear. I'm sure this is going to be a good thing for me overall; I just need to get over the initial trauma of it all and get settled at the other end.

Scary Times

2011-09-06T18:56:00.004+01:00

For the recent past I've been seeking to change my employment. The same industry and job, but I've been trying to move into freelancing, though without much success. I won't deny my lack of success is knocking my confidence, however many freelance positions require an immediate start and being fully employed at the moment I need to give a month's notice and I hope it's that that's putting people off. Anyway, a possible position has come up that doesn't start for a month so my notice period won't be a factor, and I have a telephone interview later on this week. Once I've started freelancing and I no longer have notice periods I hope the work will be easier to find.

Yeah I've changed jobs before, but this possible move into freelancing is scary for many reasons. Jobs will be short lived and dotted around so there is going to be a lot of changes...to location and routine. It is the gym that is worrying me most...how can I keep regular gym attendance? It's hard to find just one gym you like, never mind moving around. It is going to involve moving, renting houses, and basically running your own company so dealing with taxes and money yourself. Dealing with accounts and lots of "things". To be honest it is scaring the s**t out of me. I know someone who already does it so I am planning on leaning on him a lot. Right now my anxiety is sky high, I just want this interview to be over with and a decision made. I almost feel like my whole life is in limbo at the moment until I know.

If the answer is "no", I admit I'll be crushed as this is a rare opportunity and I'll feel despondent if I fail. Maybe after the interview I won't even want the job? But if the answer is "yes"? So much is going to change so drastically so quickly. I'll probably look to live close to the job temporarily then move there permanently within a month. I won't feel bad about giving up my flat, I hate it here.

Anyway...I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not very good in interview situations.

You might be wondering what I'm going to get out of this? Well the money is better - this particular job, even though not permanent, will more than double my salary. I don't spend the money I do earn, but I'm hoping extra money will maybe give me more options in life. Give me more reasons to take time off and maybe do something with it, even if it is just chilling out and learning new things for my career.

I'm thinking also that maybe I need this? With all my recent troubles maybe I just need a clean break? To move from this town and leave everything behind? Especially this flat, I see it more as a jail than a home.

Everybody hurts

2011-09-05T13:26:00.000+01:00

I know that people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) don't have a monopoly on feeling bad or upset after a break-up, that would be a fairly ridiculous thing to suggest. But I do sometimes wonder if AS affects us in different ways. I wonder if our general inability to handle or express our feelings makes things seem a little worse.

For myself, I get quite strong feelings of persecution. Like everyone is out to twist the knife. I wonder if I'm being too sensitive and maybe taking things people and seeing them in a worse light. I wonder if it is because everything is black or white, and at times likes these everything is just black. Every comment intended to be against me.

Maybe I'm just making excuses, trying to make myself feel better by using my AS as something to blame, when the reality is that this is how everyone feels. Maybe AS doesn't affect my feelings but I do wonder if it affects my actions, the results of how I choose to deal with these feelings.

My sense of persecution just grew and grew and eventually I did some stupid things, said some stupid things and burned a lot of bridges. A lot of them.

New brooms

2011-09-03T16:34:00.000+01:00

I'm not one for keeping with the Joneses, or with the Zeitgeists. I wait for things to break before I replace them, and mobile phones are no different. I had an old, "chunky" phone for years and years, but the sat nav on it finally stopped working. It was rubbish sat nav anyway, and I never used it as sat nav, but it was nice to have in an emergency. If I was on my own in the car somewhere new, and I couldn't find where I was going it was good as something to pull over and have a look at.

The other thing about old phones (and tech in general I guess) is that it is something that is socially acceptable to make fun out of people for. I guess you could even call it a minor form of bullying. Like when you get your hair cut a different way, people just can't stop themselves commenting when they see you - every time anyone saw my "untrendy" phone they had to mention it, as if I didn't know it was an old phone. It's something that gets fairly tedious, but I suppose people have to make themselves feel superior to other people wherever they can.

So I trotted off to the phone shop last week to ask if I could get an upgrade. The salesgirl took my phone and stared at it. It was probably older than she was. She tapped my details into the computer and asked rhetorically (I think) with some credulity, "How long have you had this?" She next brought up my "usage" and was similarly derisive that I was not in constant communication with the outside world.

Now that I have a new phone...like a new haircut people can't help themselves from commenting every time they see it. Some things I guess you just can't win.

When life gets in the way

2011-09-02T18:10:00.002+01:00

I'm a little worried and anxious right now. My boiler doesn't seem to be heating water as hot as it use to. It's above lukewarm, and just enough for a shower, but definitely not as hot as before. I think the element is on its way out, or it is all furred up. You might be thinking; "Get a plumber out, what's the big deal?" When you live in squalor like a tramp, these things are a big deal. I'm not equipped for emergencies, I can't have people over at the drop of a hat.

There is an element of serendipity here, as I have a week off work in a fortnight and I was planning on using it to give my flat a top-to-bottom clean up. If the water holds out until then, I'll continue with my plans and get a plumper out. If the heat degenerates quickly, or stops altogether, then I'm going to have to think of "something" to do until I have my week off work.

Update

Looks like it is almost terminal now. Showers aren't "cold" but they're not "warm" either. I might bring my cleaning efforts forward to next weekend instead, not sure how I can manage too long with no hot water. I can always shower at the gym (I need an excuse to start going every day) but there is doing dishes and things.

*sigh*

This is one of those times when I just need to buckle down, pull my socks up and take my finger out.

Starting next weekend....of course....

Shields recharging

2011-09-01T22:45:00.003+01:00

You know when you're playing a game like Halo (or most any similar game that came after it) and you get hit so often that your shields are gone and you have to hide somewhere safe to let them recharge, as any more hits will have serious consequences for you? That's how I'm feeling right now.

Within the not-too-distant past I had reached quite a stable, and fairly high, level of contentment. I had really come to accept a lot of things and I was actually quite happy within myself. I was in as good as place as someone like me could ever be in.

My recent relationship, and subsequent events I don't want to immortalise as I couldn't bare to look, has scattered everything to the winds. I am now in total disarray, questioning everything. I have once again seem a glimpse of how other people live and once again I am cowering in fear and despair. I have taken a step back from a lot of things in my life for now, some quite important things. But I feel I need to hide. I need to wait until those shields recharge. I need to get back in a place when I am once more happy inside myself, with myself, but it is going to be an empty happiness. The happiness of a recluse, shut off from everything.

Will the truth set us free?

2011-08-01T01:18:00.001+01:00

I engineered a game of pool with a friend so that I could discuss my recent relationship issues. I value his input as he's not the sort to just tell me what I want to hear, he'll tell me what he really thinks. He is my link to the normal world, the normal way of thinking. He lets me know when my thinking is just out of kilter with everyone else.

Maybe the most telling moment was when he stopped me mid-flow over something in particular, and injected; "AS4L...you're using your logic again, not everything is black and white." People seem to be telling me that with increasing frequency throughout my life.

I suspected he wouldn't be "on my side" over everything, but sometimes I was left a bit surprised...things that I thought I was definitely in the right about, or thought my thinking was sound on, he was keen to correct me.

Ah well. It was enlightening in some ways, depressing in some ways too. I always say that making mistakes is ok as long as you learn from them, but I'm not sure if these things are things I can work on and look to maybe act differently with in the future. Only time will tell.

The bottom of the spiral

2011-07-24T20:08:00.000+01:00

Long time, no blog. The last few weeks of my life have been a bit of a train wreck. I haven't gone to the gym for three weeks, haven't been sober one night in the last two weeks. I'm not sure I can sink any further so it's time to think about getting back on track.

The girl I talked about in a previous blog...yeah we kind of got back together. I'm weak, sue me. Only things have come to an end again, and once more I am feeling completely unlovable and that I should just resign myself to being alone forever. Going out with her made me feel even more isolated than I felt before, but I've felt that before, only not as strongly.

Even though I know she is no good for me, I am still having problems dealing with it. It's like I'll put up with anything just to not be alone and that's a terrible thing to admit...but I suppose it's true. On a similar theme, it seems I just can't formally criticise someone or point out their faults even when they point out mine. It's almost as if I'll accept being walked all over rather than risk the chance of burning bridges. I'll also back to some other familiar ground, of wondering how much of this is "my fault" and how much "her fault".

For teh lulz

2011-06-27T02:59:00.000+01:00

I've written a few times about Gary McKinnon who is fighting extradition to the US over accusations of hacking. Well there is a group of hackers who have been gaining notoriety over the last month or so, and police in the UK have arrested someone in connection with those activities.

And guess what?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13916090

Yep, he has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Now what is interesting is that it is only since his arrest that he has been diagnosed. I'm already uneasy about Gary McKinnon using his AS as a form of excuse, or tool to evade justice or lesson his punishment, but this is something else altogether. How can you get a diagnosis that quick? Is this a new form of "ambulance chasing"? If you are accused of a "nerd" crime, does your solicitor immediately get you diagnosed as having AS as a get-out-of-jail-free card? McKinnon's case is on-going and long, but this will be an interesting one to keep an eye on.

Autism File

2011-04-24T23:48:00.000+01:00

I saw a programme called Autism File on a minority access channel so thought it was worth a watch. Oh dear. I really don't know where to begin. I'm not sure if every episode is like this, or if this was a themed special, but it seems female (mother) centric, and I always despair at anything that is mother-centric as you can guarantee it is merely playing on common guilt.

The segments were almost all diet-focused, with various mothers giving anecdotal evidence about how putting their child on various gluten-free, sugar-free, lactate-free, blah-free diets have improved things. It was basically saying that your child's issues are your fault because you are not buying the right things, you are not consuming the right things, you are not doing the right things. Needless to say there was no scientific evidence or explanation about anything that was said...but some things were very worrying indeed. Things like a mother saying their child was diagnosed as "severe Autistic", and since cutting gluten from his diet he as been reclassified as "mild Autistic". What is being implied here? That autism is caused by diet? Can be cured by diet? That if your child is not "getting better" it is because you aren't restricting their diet enough? Terrible, absolutely terrible.

Why can't people just accept that some things are how they are and not to do with consumption? Nothing to do with diet? That some things just can't be fixed?

Nerd Olympics

2011-04-17T11:40:00.004+01:00

There was a documentary that followed the UK entrants to the International Mathematical Olympiad (IMO). It followed their preparations, their lives and what it meant to them. That's what it was billed as anyway...it turned out to be a documentary about Asperger's Syndrome (AS). It's a shame this wasn't reflected in the promotional material as a few people might have watched it where they otherwise didn't.

I'm sure this isn’t how it was intended, but of the key players some had AS diagnosis, some were undergoing diagnosis during the documentary, and for the rest AS wasn't even mentioned but they showed strong signs of it. The star of the show was a lad called Jos, who was so emotionally stunted that he functioned like a robot. Analysing family relationships on terms of material need. He said he was a rare thing; someone who was intelligent but not arrogant, yet he was the most arrogant person you've probably ever seen. However what I found quite interesting, was that he was also often wrong. His abilities didn't seem to match up to his boasts which isn't something I've ever associated with AS.

Another bit that amused me was the guy who was in the process of getting a diagnosis. For anyone who has done this you'll know that it's fairly drawn out, and sometimes almost impossible. Not when you're being filmed for a documentary though! The doctor doing the diagnosis was none other than Simon Baron-Cohen himself. After some scenes of discussion the Doctor then announces that the guy "clearly has Asperger's". It trivialised the whole process and made it look the easiest thing in the world to get a diagnosis. Anyone watching this documentary who then wishes to get a diagnosis themselves are going to be in for a shock.

The IMO is obviously open to many countries, with some doing better than others. China always puts in a strong team and always does exceptionally well. The question is, however, is this because their education system is much better than ours? Can the UK only compete in these things if we "use" people with Autism to bolster the ranks? Why can't we simply have intelligent, well-educated students like China does?

The Joy of Nothing

2011-04-15T19:03:00.002+01:00

One thing that the analysis of my life has revealed is that I get pleasure from nothing. I simply exist. My life goes on from day to day. Today at work was a big company meeting that everyone laughed their way through and I sat there stony-faced. After work everyone hurried down to the pub, and I went and stood there stony-faced, on the peripheral. People must enjoy this stuff. They must get pleasure from the basic interaction they have with other people. It certainly can't be the conversation as that is functional and bland. Boring.

I can watch a mediocre show on Television and stay the distance, why can't I stand mediocre social gatherings? I guess it is because it is a constant slap in the face for me. A constant reminder of the normality that I will never know. The joys people get in such simple things that will forever elude me, making my life ultimately meaningless.

I stay for one drink (a "social" one...ha!) then head home. I stop by the alcohol shop on the way back because, truth be known, I don't even enjoy my own company. I hate being with other people and I hate being on my own, so drunken oblivion is my only realistic option.

Nothing to fear

2011-04-12T23:03:00.002+01:00

I called it off with that girl I was seeing, so I am once more single and once more not getting any younger.

I think this is the first time I've ever really called off a relationship. I know I had only been seeing her about 4 months, but what is significant is that I didn't let the fear of being alone stop me. I looked at the relationship with honest eyes, and asked myself questions like "Are you happy?" "Does this person behave in a way you can tolerate?" I didn't go as far as making a "pro" and "con" list like they do on TV, but I weighed things up nonetheless and came to my decision.

Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Do I feel bad? Yes? Lonely? Yes. Do I have regrets? Sometimes...yes. Does part of me still wish I was in a relationship? Yes. Do I see hard times ahead? Yes. Do I think that maybe this was my last chance at having a relationship? Yes. Am I scared I will now be single forever? Yes. Am I happy now? No. Time heals all wounds though...and the most important thing in all of this is that for the first time I didn't let fear control me.

So where did this strength come from? I think it came from the fact that I am now finally comfortable with myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. And that has all come from my diagnosis.

Coming clean

2011-04-08T13:47:00.001+01:00

One thing that I've always wondered about are the cleaning habits of other people. I've stated numerous times that I live in a pigsty, and visiting other people's homes always makes me feel self-conscious and a bit guilty.

There is a programme in the UK called "Who Does What?" that uses cameras in the home to analyse the division of labour in the household. After a few weeks the data is reported at quite a granular level of detail and the various inhabitants of the house are told what percentage of various tasks they do, and what percentage of tasks overall.

This show reported that the average person spends 30 minutes a day "cleaning and tidying" the house. Interesting. I do substantially less than that. I do essentials like laundry, but that's a fairly quick and easy job twice a week. I don't really do the "other half" though...the clothes come out of the machine and into the wash basket (or on a chair / door etc) and they get picked at and used as needed. I don't really put clothes away. I iron my work shirts too so that's maybe one or two shirts a day depending on what's on TV when I'm ironing (if I do two shirts I won't iron at all the next day). I do the dishes when there are no clean ones left, so maybe once a week, twice at most. Rubbish and recycling tends to lie where it falls and I gather it up once a week on the night before rubbish day, though sometimes I only do that every other week.

And that's about it really. It's no wonder I live in a pigsty.

Autistic brains "organised differently" say scientists

2011-04-06T02:53:00.002+01:00

"People with autism use their brains differently from other people, which may explain why some have extraordinary abilities to remember and draw objects in detail, according to new research."

Read full article

Next month scientists are going to release their findings regarding the defecating habits of bears.

Protein found in brain cells may be key to autism

2011-03-28T02:10:00.000+01:00

Scientists have shown how a single protein may trigger autistic spectrum disorders by stopping effective communication between brain cells.

Read full article

Rumbled

2011-02-28T22:28:00.000Z

I spent a few hours in the company of one of the friends of this girl I'm kind of seeing. She knows I have Asperger's Syndrome (AS), and at a later date she filled me in on what this person does for a living. I knew he was a teacher but it turns out he teaches "special needs" and he remarked to her that I either had OCD or was on the autistic spectrum as I displayed a lot of characteristics.

It was interesting I guess, almost validating in way. She didn't tell him I have AS as she knows it's not something I tell people.

Twirling round with this familiar parabol

2011-02-28T21:37:00.001Z

Everything is different now. I'm sort of seeing someone, kind of. It's early days and I'd long forgotten what these early stages are like. I'm suffering a lot from anxiety and worry. It's like I've turned into a needy child, craving reassurance like mother's milk. If hours go by without me hearing from her I start to wonder if she is going off me. She doesn't help in herself, as she isn't always the regular contact type person. When she does contact me it is always positive and seems to lift my anxiety, but that anxiety gradually returns.

It's not just my separation anxiety, but spending time with someone normal, bring around them and listening to them talk - it all reminds me of my inadequacies. My insular, lonely little life filled with unfulfilment. It's akin to learning to like yourself and then someone holding up a mirror, reminding you just how ugly you actually are. One step forward, two steps back.

I was drinking at the weekend too and I'm shocked at the effect it is having on my mental health. My anxiety today was through the roof. Off the chart. Depression too, thoughts of worthlessness and despair. Wondering just what the fucking point is. I don't know if it is affecting me this badly because I don't drink for long periods of time, or if I'm just changing as a person, rotting away.

I'm considering going to the doctor to see if I can get some kind of anti-anxiety medication.

Growing old fearfully

2011-01-24T03:23:00.001Z

I'm scared that one day I'll start to like classical music.
I'm scared that one day I'll dress up smart to travel.
I'm scared that one day I'll remember when this was all fields.
I'm scared that one day I'll wear three layers of clothing on a summer's day.
I'm scared that one day I'll despair about the youth.
I'm scared that one day I'll be frail.
I'm scared that one day I'll be a body undiscovered for over 6 months.

Passive aggressive

2010-12-07T18:37:00.000Z

Two people were talking about me like I wasn't there.

"AS4L isn't very open, he's quite protective."
"I disagree, he's likely to get into trouble as he often just tells it how it is."

I guess they’re both right...I don't speak much but when I do you'd better listen :)

Velocity

2010-12-04T02:29:00.005Z

It's that time of year again; it's not only coming but accelerating. In January I jumped off a very tall building and have been telling myself "so far so good, so far so good" but now the ground is in sight and it's coming up fast. I'm going to hit it hard.

There is an acquaintance I usually spend some of Christmas day with, or at least have lunch and maybe a drink with, it helps the day go by, helps me feel normal. I am standing still, though, and like everyone else he is moving and is now married and living with his wife and they are going away for Christmas this year. So for the first time in maybe 10 odd years I'll literally be on my own for Christmas. The longest day of the year.

I'm in training for it already, I'm regularly attending the gym and regularly not drinking. I'm back on the wagon so that the inevitable fall isn’t so bad. This year I firmly intend the entire day to drown in an alcoholic daze.

Although I suspect it's not just going to be Christmas itself that is the problem. I've kinda got involved-ish with a girl and I won't go into details but needless to say it's my usual modus operandi. It's another long-distance thing, another girl I've managed to woo with words. I've been to visit to her and mustered all of my efforts to fraudulently appear as normal as I can. To be honest I don't find it that hard to maintain normality for an evening with people I like and haven’t seen for a long time (I had a list of things to talk about pre-prepared on my phone's "To do" list that I referred to through the night so that I'd have something for when she stopped driving the conversation - there's a little tip for you).

For a week after meeting her I was in a pretty bad hole. Depression featuring heavily through my days and drinking through my nights. I felt like I was grieving for something but I don't know what. Meeting her made me feel normal I guess. Even if for just one night, and it was crushing me that I couldn't have that normality forever. In a way it was like I was playing a cruel joke on myself. A horrible bait and switch.

I've arranged to meet her again just before Christmas so I'll see if I can muster this sense of normality again or be faced with the fact that it was a fluke. I'll also see if I fall down a hole again afterward. I know it will be harder this time around, not only because my "To do" list was almost exhausted, but because I plan on telling her we can't really meet again. There are lots of reasons, not all of which I'll tell her...the main one is that there are reasons that will make any relationship between us too hard for both of us (she knows these reasons but it's something I can't really go into here, nothing related to my Aspergers). There is also the distance element. Plus the fact that I know she hasn't really seen the real me, and I think maybe I can quit while I'm ahead.

I also had to cancel my work's Christmas party to go and see her so that's that decided too. I just hope the meeting doesn't fall through due to the bad weather we're having at the moment.

I was telling a work colleague about this girl, the same one that gave me the previous ill-fated advice over my love life. He was frustrated about my negativity concerning this relationship, but he doesn't really understand. He asked me how old I was, and I told him. He asked me what I was doing, but I didn't understand so asked him to elaborate. "What are you doing with your life? You should be married with kids by now." No. He just doesn't understand.

You will not fix me

2010-11-22T18:34:00.001Z

The problem with non-visible disabilities like Asperger's Syndrome is that people seem disposed to forgetting about them, and dare I say even deny them. If I had no legs and I got into a relationship with someone they wouldn't think to themselves "Sure he has no legs now, and needs a wheelchair, but after going out with me for a few months he'll grow those legs back." "Sure he's blind now, but once he meets my friends he'll be seeing in no time."

Because no-one can see your disability they soon forget all about it, maybe even think it's an act, but the overall and lasting impression seems to be that you're just shy and just need to come out of your shell. That being dragged here and there and thrown into deep-ends will have you waving and not drowning. As the months drag on they begin to realise that it's not an act, that you'll never change, that this really is just how you are.

You really shouldn't laugh....

2010-11-20T17:48:00.001Z

'Cage' for autistic pupil removed

Social Reciprocation

2010-10-22T19:04:00.002+01:00

There is an aspect of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) around social reciprocation, and it is said that people with AS are less likely to share or to point out things of interest. I had quite a good example of this happen to me today. I had to walk into town at lunch as I had to buy a birthday card, and on the way to the card shop I witnessed quite an unusual and fairly serious accident. People from all over were rushing to help...people that were on the street anyway, people came out of nearby shops to help. Myself...I had a birthday card to buy and things seemed to be in hand so I just walked on. While inside the card store I heard ambulance sirens, and leaving the shop the press were in attendance also.

About half an hour after lunch ended I was back at work and someone sent around an e-mail saying there had been an accident in town. This person hadn't witnessed it but they were on the scene a short while after and had taken pictures, called an ambulance etc. Pictures were attached along with a description of the events. For a good 10 minutes after the e-mail went around the accident was quite the buzz of the office.

I had actually witnessed the accident and didn't even think to tell the people I sit next to, never mind construct an e-mail (with pictures) and send it around the whole office. The worst thing about it...I had a killer joke regarding an observation around the circumstances of the accident and I thought long and hard about replying to the global mail with my joke but in the end, what with the concern people were showing, I decided against it and I think that was the right decision.

I suppose it's one of the reasons we're so bad at conversations and small talk; we never really have anything we think is worth talking about whereas NTs seem to find all manner of minute absolutely enthralling.

Comedy Observations

2010-10-20T02:07:00.000+01:00

I'm a big fan of comedy and I enjoy watching stand-up on TV and also going to live comedy gigs. One of the things I like about TV comedy are the crowd shots. They always try and intersperse the comedy with shots of the audience and they try very hard to pick their subjects. The people who get the close-ups have to be attractive and also visibly enjoying themselves...that's not who I'm looking at though...I'm scanning the background audience. No matter how much a knot of people are enjoying themselves there is always one person no more than 4 seats away who is sat there stony-faced, arms folded, thinking "this isn't funny in the slightest."

The main thing I've noticed though, is that when people are laughing they almost always look toward their partner. There doesn't seem to be a hard and fast gender divide; sometimes the man looks toward the woman, sometimes the woman to the man. I'm not completely sure why this is. I think it is part of NT behaviour to share experience and ensure your companions are also enjoying themselves. Maybe the glance is in case the couple want to add any in-jokes of their own to the proceedings. When I go to see comedy and I find something funny I just laugh...I have never had the desire to look toward anyone I happen to be with.

It's good to think - but not too much

2010-10-17T20:00:00.002+01:00

As I was reading this news link I was thinking about it being related to autism before it was even mentioned.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-11340881

Secret house against the world

2010-10-15T20:38:00.001+01:00

There is an aspect of my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) that I still haven't come to terms with, or decided on how to handle. At work today there was a presentation at the end of the day at the local pub and when it was done everyone hung around and within moments the whole place was just like any other weekend view...everyone was chatting or waiting at the bar and smiling and mingling. There is a yearning in me to fit in, an aching almost. These opportunities don't come along often and I always tell myself to grasp them when they do. Here it was...and there was I...on the outside, not really knowing what to do with myself. Not really knowing how to inject myself anywhere, not knowing how to act or what to say. Not really wanting to either. As the chatting rose to white noise I did what I always do; I left to come home and be on my own.

I feel this constant jealousy and I'm not sure why. I don't enjoy socialising so why am I jealous? I don't really like talking to people so why do I care? It's like I'm a small child who only wants a certain toy because someone else is playing with it. I don't think it's the socialising I'm jealous of, I think I'm just grieving for normality. I see people be happy, I see people enjoy themselves and I think that's what I actually want. I don't really care what it is that they are doing that makes them happy, I just want to be happy too and this is how others seem to do it. Their lives all seem so full. My life is filled like darkness fills a room, like silence fills a forest.

I also know this girl I asked out is going to end up going out with someone else from work. They'll meet the way normal people meet, while socialising outside of work where hair is down and happiness high. That will just be another constant reminder of my failures.

This inability to handle group social situations is the last thread I'm hanging onto. I still keep trying it and I still keep failing. I don't know if one day I'll just officially give up and stop trying, I mean I might as well. But something inside me doesn't want to. It's almost like trying this is the last thing I have and turning my back on it means having turned my back on everything. There will be nothing left and I will have officially given up on life. Thrown in the towel. Admitted defeat.

Coming home today I resolved to not even attend this year's work Christmas Party... like the end is drawing near already. I know I still have some fight left, so I'm going to try and go to the Christmas Party and just hope it isn't the final nail in the coffin. I also mulled over my decision about not telling anyone about my AS. Sometimes I want to...but then I ask myself what good it will do and the answer is "probably none". I ask myself how I'll ever know unless I try? Ultimately though it always, always comes back to the same thing...information is one way - once you've told someone something you can't ever take that back. If I was to "come out" at work and there were downsides then I'm stuck with those downsides. It's just too important, this secret is something I can't afford to gamble with. Something people can just never know. I'll just continue to carry its crushing weight.

Call me Mr Somebody

2010-09-27T19:45:00.003+01:00

Months of pretentious work finally came of use at the weekend, culminating also in the vindication of an earlier post. I was eating out with an ex-colleague who had brought along a friend who is a painter/poet and is currently writing a book. The subject of books in general came up and as I've spent most of the year reading the classics I had them all covered. I was able to give opinions and analysis and bring other books into the discussion. Granted I probably sounded far better-read than I am, and I was obviously only relating other books that I'd also read, but I still pulled it off. This was exactly the situation I've been training for...when anyone literate discusses books I want to have read them, I want to have opinions and be knowledgeable. The ex-colleague drove the artist home and the feedback he received was that the artist found me "interesting" :) The ex-colleague also confessed that he was surprised at my spontaneous and thorough literary knowledge.

Pinocchio pt II

2010-09-23T23:28:00.004+01:00

She sent me an e-mail today (coward :) ) apologising for her reaction, explaining that I had taken her by surprise. She said it was lovely that I asked but she already had a boyfriend. Schoolboy error! I have to admit I did think about talking with her close work colleague as a preliminary. I considered ensuring through that colleague that she was actually single, but I decided against it as it smacks of schoolchildren asking friends if their friend would go out with them. I'm still glad I didn't and chose to take the action I took as I got valuable life experience from it and I'm a firm believer that you learn from your mistakes and that you get better at things the more you do them. There is bound to be some awkwardness going forward but nothing insurmountable. We were both in a meeting today for example, and we've been e-mailing each other on a professional basis too so things are already back to the way they were before.

So on the surface it's like it never even happened, but underneath there ebbs and swells a hidden secret....tide or undertow, only time will tell.

Pinocchio

2010-09-22T01:42:00.002+01:00

Sometimes the best place to start is the beginning. There's a girl at my work that I kind of like and I think she might like me, it's hard to tell. I deal with her through my job occasionally but not a whole lot. There is someone else at work that I used to work with in a previous job and he is sometimes my port in the storm and we play pool together a fair bit. Pool's a great activity as it fills the time but you can spend most of it in silence as the activity fills the space, and you just talk a little here and there. In one of these spaces between shots I confessed to him the situation I found myself in. "Oh she definitely likes you" he said. He would though, that's his job. It's what people do. I asked how he knew and he says he can see it in her face when she comes over to deal with me. It was one of those odd moments where I'm reminded that other people see things that I don't. But it also got me wondering if he was telling the truth or if he was just doing his job of dutiful companion, egging me on and boosting my confidence.

I've been sitting on the situation for a while and it's not going away. In fact it is occupying more and more of my thoughts. My concerns are many-fold. For a start I'm kind of happy in my life right now, mainly. Do I need change? Am I ready to be in another relationship? I am also worried that I don't really want to be in a relationship with this person, I just want to know that someone likes me. Also do I really want to get involved with someone I work with? If it goes wrong I don't think I'm robust enough to be around someone I've been in a past relationship with. I mentioned this concern to my colleague who told me it was no way to think. I'm also minded that I never get a chance to meet women apart from at work. My colleague was of the opinion that I should "go for it" but he would say that, it's his job.

I sat on the situation some more and it got to the stage where it simply had to stop. I had to do something to end how I was feeling. I was anxious a lot of the time so finally resolved to take steps. I was finding that confiding in my colleague was making things easier for me so made my plans known to him. I had made my mind up that I was going to try and push things onto "the next step".

But how? I'm never really alone with her, so over a game of pool I asked my colleague what he thought about asking her over an e-mail. He laughed solidly for about 3 minutes. When he had regained his composure he said, with a grin, "You can't do that" then continued to laugh again. The saddest part is that I'd already written the e-mail out, it was sat in my "Drafts" for want of a "Send". It was full of my literary style, my humour, rhythm and flow, my way of phrasing things. It was dynamite. The only women I have ever managed to seduce have always been through the written word. Is that bad? It's who I am after all. I know real men don't do those things; real men hitch their belts, grab their crotch and ask girls out on dates. Was it so bad that I didn't want to do that? It got me thinking...here was a rare chance of me doing something that normal people do. Asking a girl out...in the flesh. But I know I'd be rubbish at it, and the as-yet-unsent email was solid gold. What was more important to me? To pretend to be normal for 5 minutes even though I'm not normal, or to just be me? Half of me was excited and half felt like a traitor.

My plans were delayed slightly when she was off ill, but when she was back at work I knew I had to do this, I had to bring this thing to a conclusion one way or the other. While calm on the outside my insides were raging. My mind was racing, my heart was thumping, the adrenalin was surging. My stomach was in knots and at points felt like it was entangled in my throat. I did some dry runs, I paced the corridors, in my head I envisioned how it might all happen, and I realised something...the crashing fear was never going to go. The pure and utter dread was never going to end. This must be what it is like doing a bungee jump or a sky-dive. Standing on the precipice gripped by utter fear and nothing you can say to yourself will calm or sooth you. Nothing is going to take away the fear. In those situations you can either back down, or do it with the fear. You either take a step back from the edge and retreat, or you grab the fear with both hands, bear hug it and take it with you. I knew I couldn't back down, I knew this had to end...I knew I had to do this despite the fear. I had to do it fear and all.

I approached her desk "Can I have a word?" It was nothing out of the ordinary and she thought nothing of it, as I said we do occasionally deal with each other. She stood to follow me and I pointed to the hallway and as I opened the office door and stepped out I heard her side to a colleague "...it's an outside word?" I was petrified. I had stepped off the precipice and now I was free-falling. Inertia gone, momentum carrying me on a journey that I now could not stop even if I wanted to. The pavement was coming up fast. I was praying the corridor would be empty and for once my prayer was answered.

Sometimes the best way to say something is to just come out and say it. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come out for a drink some time?" I think that's what I said. To be honest my memory of the whole experience is somewhat vague. "What?" In a previous failed attempt to steady my nerves I had gone over the various ways I thought this conversation could go, but "What?" wasn't one of them. "You know...a drink..." "What? Sorry?" Words were failing me now so a "how about it" shrug had to suffice. "Sorry, I didn't quite get you for a while there, I'm still recovering from being unwell" was her response. At that point the Earth opened up ready to swallow me whole. Well...not Earth exactly but the elevator that I had the foresight to summon when we first entered the corridor. "Are you going out?" she said, spying my escape route. "To the shop across the road" I said. "Ok...we'll talk about this later" were her parting words as the cold metal doors slid between us and took me down to Hell.

At lunch I relayed the debacle to my colleague over pool who was upbeat about it and keen to point out the positives. But he had to...that's his job. He said that she was probably just a little shocked and didn't know how to react right away. She was too shocked to say "yes" but not shocked enough to enunciate "We'll talk about this later"? My colleague paused, then said that maybe today wasn't the best day to ask. He said that she had just come back to work from not feeling well and you could tell she was still down and not feeling herself. I asked him to elaborate and he explained that she wasn't wearing any make-up so probably wasn't feeling that great about herself so wanted to go and talk it over with her friends first. Who spots these things? Who realises that a woman isn't wearing make-up? Again I'm half wondering if this is my lack of social observation or him just trying to make me feel better.

I may be a social retard but I've learned enough through the years to know that "We'll talk about this later" is just a polite way of saying "No." The thing is though...at least now it's over. Now it's done with. Now I can get on with things and I'm feeling quite relieved. I don't think we'll ever have the "later" talk, she'll probably never speak to me again. If my colleague was maybe encouraging me a little too much I'm not overly concerned. Because I did it. I actually did it. Maybe I chose the wrong day, wrong time, wrong location and the wrong method...maybe I was a bit full on...but I took a girl to one side and asked if she would like to go for a drink. I completely exposed myself and made myself vulnerable. I made my intentions perfectly clear, I put myself out there and I said "here I am, this is how I feel now take me or leave me." I did it...I'm a real boy now.

Butterflies and rocks

2010-09-17T17:38:00.001+01:00

In my head I see the conversation we have in situations I lack the courage to engineer. I wait like a coward instead. Wait for the situation to occur naturally, of its own will as I lose mine and remain silent like a coward instead. You walk off to your life, I walk back to mine.

New brain scan to diagnose autism

2010-09-14T23:35:00.000+01:00

A brain scan that detects autism in adults could mean much more straightforward diagnosis of the condition, scientists say.

Link to full article

Clue to getting a good night's sleep discovered

2010-09-12T23:19:00.004+01:00

The following article was on the BBC's website;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-10915402

A process in the brain plays a key role in blocking out sound during sleep, they say, and it appears to be more effective in certain individuals.

I'm wondering if this is the root of the issue of insomnia in people with Asperger's. One common symptom is the inability of the autistic brain to filter out unwanted noise and unwanted stimulus. If the key to a good night's sleep is how well your brain can filter out sound during sleep, and our brains have problems filtering out sound during the day, then is there a correlation here?

The article mentions that it might be possible to enhance the functioning of this process through medication so maybe a new brand of sleeping pills might be available soon? Further more, maybe this new form of medication will help autistic people during the normal day as well as an aid to sleep? Maybe it will help give us more focus, especially in noisy environments?

My job the prophet; I can see the future and make money off it

2010-08-12T01:42:00.000+01:00

I've already mentioned my terrible procrastination when it comes to most things, and my terrible handling of all things financial. So as you can imagine my credit card bill has been the bane of my life. I used to get quite a lot of "late payment" fees…not because I didn't have the money to pay it, but because every month when the bill came in I never really got around to paying it.

The solution to that was to set up an automatic monthly payment, but you only have two options; pay the full amount each month or pay the minimum amount each month. I didn't want to pay the full amount in case I want to split payments of something over a few months, so I set a payment up for the minimum payment so that at least I wouldn't get any late payment fees. Thing is…when the bill comes in even though I have the minimum covered I still never got around to paying more on top, so only ever paid the minimum and that's the interest for that month plus a few shekels. If you only ever paid the minimum amount then it would take forever to pay off the full bill, but I suppose that's what the credit card company want, they want you to never be free of their debt. It's not so bad for me as it's purely my own fault I'm only paying the minimum, but if you could only afford to pay the minimum you'll be saddled with that outgoing forever as the debt will never be cleared. Such an immoral way of running a business.

The craziest thing about all this is that I do actually have the money to pay my bill in full, I'm just such an awful procrastinator that I never get around to dealing with it. I don't know why, it's just that when it comes to these things everything else suddenly seems a more important use of my time. So I decided that when my bill next came in I was going to pay it off in full. Well…that was last month :) This month I made the same decision and this morning the bill was on my doormat so I went to work as normal, went to the gym as normal, and getting back from the gym all full of vigour I tore that bill open, grabbed my phone and I paid it in full. Finally! In debt to you robbing bastards no more!

Now that they're making nothing a month from me I wonder what their following gambit is going to be. I suspect next month I'll get a letter from them telling me what a marvellous customer I am, how they value me, so they have generously decided to increase my credit limit along with some suggestions about what I could use it for. New car? Dream holiday? Well no luck because I'm on holiday already; from your charges.

Call me Mr Nobody

2010-07-25T21:18:00.001+01:00

It seems to me that conversations have different levels that are obtained in sequential order. When people initially meet, they grab the first rung of the ladder which is social chat; chit chat and the like. Nothing of any depth, just conversing about whatever. Like two boxers eyeing each other up in the ring…circling and throwing the odd, testing jab to see their opponent's form, style and reach. During this stage of conversation two people get a gauge for if they like each other and how much they enjoyed each other's conversation and general countenance.

If people are driven to spend enough time with each other, or if they just connect strongly enough, they move up to the next level of conversation where things are more meaningful. They may discuss on their opinions and views of things, now safe that their companion is sympathetic to their views. They may be more candid about their life situations, or they may discuss in detail about the things that interest them now they know their companion is reciprocal. As people tend to like people with similar interests there is more range of things they can talk about in a more in-depth manner. If sense of humour is similar then they can add a humorous angle to their experiences, or bring something into conversation purely down to the fact that they found it amusing. It is from these types of conversation that lasting friendship can spawn.

The thing about me, and I guess most people with Asperger's Syndrome, is that I am actually a socially boring person. I'm not a boring person, I can converse in-depth and with articulation and knowledge on many, many topics. I also have a pretty good sense of humour and can throw the odd joke or humorous observation into most topics. When it comes to the upper-rungs of the conversation ladder I can hold my own along with the best of them, I just can't handle that first step. If a stranger were to come up to me and attempt to spark up a conversation they'd soon find themselves frustrated and bored, as general meaningless chit-chat isn't something in my vocabulary.

As you can well imagine this is quite frustrating. I know I'm a fairly decent guy with a lot to offer, but no-one else does. Not through any fault of their own, but mine. I have things to say and discuss and talk about but no-one to really share my thoughts with. I realise I give off an impression to people that I'm curt and uninteresting and I suppose in these initial moments of meeting they're right…I am a socially uninteresting person.

Even though I can converse at those upper rungs of the ladder, I myself still can't instantly jump there. I can't approach a stranger, or have a stranger approach me, and converse on higher subjects right away; I too need that initial phase where you get comfortable with people, but for me that stage involves much less conversation :) So how do we get past that first rung of the ladder? How do we convince people to persevere with us? How can we drag them to our heights? If I had the answer I'd bottle it.

For me anyway, two things do help. First is working with people via your job. That way you're forced to be around each other and spend time with each other. In this captive situation you can conduct the "getting to know you" stage at your own pace. On-line situations also help where people tend to be in the same community due to a shared interest, and again you can get involved in a level you're comfortable with.

I mentioned the frustration before; having all these things inside you that you feel are going to waste. But the other aspect of frustration is when other people insist that you "just need to come out of your shell" and "stop being shy". I have no shell and I'm not shy. Yet again it is just that our worlds don't align, that I'm a square peg trying to fit your round hole because your round hole is what is considered to be correct.

Health and Fitness Myths

2010-07-08T02:12:00.009+01:00

In the interests of that classic Asperger's Syndrome trait of honesty, I thought I put together some bits of information regarding health and fitness. I'm not the first person to ever say these things, but no-one wants to listen to the truth as well-packaged lies are always more alluring. These basic truths just get lost in a sea of disinformation, so if you're looking to lose a few pounds then read on and do with this what you will.

1 Why am I fat?

You eat more calories than you use.

When you take in calories that you don't expend, those calories are stored as fat. When you use more calories than you eat your body makes up the calorie shortfall by converting previously stored fat back into energy.

2 Spot Reduction

Spot reduction is the theory that working a body part makes that body part slimmer. Spot reduction is a myth, it doesn't exist.

Will sit-ups give me a flat stomach? No.
Even if I do 1,000 a day? Even if you did 1,000,000.
Will squats give me thin legs? No.
Will thigh/leg/bum exercises give me thin legs? No.

Think about what spot reduction is implying...if working an area reduced the fat in that area it is implying that your muscles somehow absorb the energy it needs from fat in the surrounding tissue. If that is how muscles work (which they don't) then how do you move your jaw to talk all day? How do your fingers work all day? How do your toes work? There is almost no fat in the surrounding area of those body parts so where do they get their energy?

Compare it with your car...chances are the engine is in the front, but you put petrol in the back however the car still moves. That is because your engine doesn't absorb petrol from the surround area through its structure...it is fed petrol via fuel lines that come from your tank in the rear. In the same way your muscles are fed oxygen etc from the blood pumping around your veins. Your muscles get their energy supplied via your body's distribution system, not the surrounding tissues.

Fat is just excess energy that has been stored, and you lose fat when that fat is turned into energy for your body to use. So how do you get a flat stomach, thin legs etc? The bad news is that you cannot control where you body stores or loses fat. Think of your body like a balloon. As you blow into it do you get to control the shape it takes? When you let air out do you control the shape as it deflates? Can you make it inflate or deflate more in one place than another? No...and your body is the same. When you gain weight your body decides where that fat is stored, and when you lose weight your body decides where the fat comes off. Rather than trying to target an area for weight loss, you have to aim for general weight loss and you lose it where you lose it.

Something else to think about...when women gain weight they tend to put it on the chest and hips, and when men gain weight it tends to go around the belly. These are also the areas the weight is lost from too. If where weight was lost from was a factor of what kinds of exercise you do then why do women gain/lose from the same areas and men gain/lose from the same areas? The reason is that where you gain and lose fat is not a factor of what exercise you do, it is dictated by your body and genes and you have no control over it.

3 Endless leg exercises

This is mainly one for the women and carries on from spot reduction. Observe most overweight women in the gym and they go from one leg machine to another, lifting very light weights on each. What good is this doing you? None. You now know that spot reduction is a myth and you're not losing fat on your legs, so what are you doing? If you are lifting a lot of weight and pushing your muscles then you're just building muscles underneath your fat which is going to make your legs bigger, not smaller. If you're not pushing your muscles by using sufficient weight then you're not building muscle, so what good are you doing? Honestly? None. You're spending the calories it takes to move your legs, you might as well just go for a walk.

If you're overweight and want to lose weight then resistance exercises (where you use weights) won't really help you much, you have to do cardio vascular work; you have to cycle on bikes, or row, or do anything that gets your heart beating. That is the best way to burn a lot of calories (see point 1). What happens to people doing pointless resistance work is that they never see any results so just give up going to the gym, and instead lament to their friends "oh I've tried everything, even the gym didn't work."

Why do women want slim legs anyway? Let's imagine for a second that spot reduction does work and isn't a myth...do you really want slim, slender legs but a bloated torso? Wouldn't that just look odd and imbalanced? So forget the endless leg exercises, get on your bike instead.

4 SlenderTone etc

These devices simply cause muscle contractions which use minute amounts of calories. Nowhere near enough to make a difference to your weight (see point 1) and the working of the muscles does nothing for the surrounding area (see point 2). Save your money. This also goes for anything that vibrates, shakes etc.

5 Toning exercises

Toning exercises don't exist, there is no such thing as toning. Being "toned" is a term given to the dual conditions of having muscle mass combined with having low amounts of body fat. Think about huge, husky men...they can have a lot of muscle but it is under a lot of fat so they just look fat. Think about lanky, skinny men...they have low body fat but look scrawny because there is no muscle under their skin. Being "toned" is the middle ground of lowish body fat over some muscle mass which gives your body an athletic shape. There are two things at play here...gaining the muscle and losing the body fat; they are two separate processes, no exercise both increases muscle mass in that area and also reduces body fat in that area (see point 2). If you want to be toned you need to work on gaining muscle and losing body fat as two separate tasks.

6 Excuses

I have a slow metabolism. No you don't.

Here's something that'll probably shock you...if you're fat you will have a faster metabolism, not a slower one. Fat is a living thing, it needs blood and maintenance just like everything else in your body. As well as your fat needing a blood supply, your skin is the largest organ in your body and it needs life too. When you have so much mass, so much area and so much weight your body is working overtime trying to keep it all alive. My resting heart rate is 60 - if you are overweight then take your resting pulse and I'll eat my hat if it is under 90.

Your biology is no different from anyone else's on the planet. You are not unique, you are not special. If you are fat, see point 1. Those women you see on chat shows saying "I've tried everything and nothing works...every diet, even the gym" are lying. Mainly to themselves.

7 Low-fat food

Eating low-fat food will help me lose weight. No it won't.
If something is low-fat it will help me stop putting weight on. No it won't.

Ever heard of a beer belly? It's well known that alcohol makes you gain weight and is very fattening. How much fat is there in alcohol? None. Zero. Zilch.

Your stomach is like a giant blender. It doesn't matter what form calories come into your stomach, they all come out in the same form...energy that is either used or stored. In terms of weight loss it doesn't matter if those calories have come from fats, saturated fats, non-saturated fats, trans fats, sugar, carbs, protein, alcohol...it really doesn't matter. They all go in your stomach and come out as calories, their original form is irrelevant. It is excess calories that make you fat regardless of where they came from. See point 1.

Have you seen foods advertised as low-fat? Have you seen foods advertised as low-sugar? Ever seen foods advertised as both? Things that are high in calories taste good (it is your body's way of tricking you into getting it fuel). Things that are high in fat taste good and things that are high in sugar taste good as sugar and fat are both high in calories. If something is "low-fat" then it will be high in sugar to maintain the taste, and if it is "low-sugar" then it will be high in fat to maintain the taste. Either way it is high in calories and that is what counts.

8 Should I do any resistance training?

I've mentioned above that resistance training with low weights is useless, and resistance with high weights just builds muscle under the fat you already have. However if you're looking to lose weight then a little bit of resistance work is still a good idea. First of all it gives you some variety...no-one wants to just huff and puff on a bike at the gym all day. It also helps your body maintain a good structure and posture, keeps things in place and a bit of strength is always good, and it can also help bone density etc.

The crucial thing that might well tip it for you is that muscle takes more effort for your body to maintain than fat. Just having muscle makes your body burn calories at a greater rate, even at rest and while sleeping etc. It helps raise your general metabolism too.

I don't want to do weight training, I'll get big and gross. No you won't.

If you're a man then it will take a lot of very hard effort over years to look like a "beefcake". You're not going to turn into Arnie with moderate weight training. If you're a woman you're more likely to use this as an excuse not to use weights, but here's another secret...see those butch women you see on TV shows with gross muscles? They’re injecting massive amounts of male hormones, steroids and all sorts of things. You will not ever look like that, ever. Not even remotely. If you're a man the same thing goes. Those guys on body-building shows...steroids. Stay off the gear and you'll never look anything like that.

9 Spending hours weight lifting

Let's say you're hitting the weights pretty hard, how much muscle do you think you build after one hour of weights? None. After two hours? None. Three hours? None.

You don't build muscle in the gym, what you do in the gym is stimulate muscle growth and that growth actually occurs when you are resting. Hitting the same muscles over and over and over in the gym is pointless. Work them then move on.

10 Big effort but little reward

You might kill yourself for half an hour on the bike or the rower and the calorie counter on the equipment is telling you you've burned off two bags of crisps, then wonder what the point is. Well for a start at least it's two bags of crisps, however exercising at the gym doesn't end when you leave. Exercise kicks your body up a gear and increases your metabolism for the hour or so after, so you're burning more calories in the hours after than you would have done normally. If you're building some muscle too then that's also helping on an ongoing basis (see point 8), and if you're pushing your heart and getting fitter then some time in the future you'll be burning three or four bags worth of crisps in the same half hour.

11 I hate running and jogging

Good. If you're training for a marathon then I'm afraid you have to run to get your body used to it. If you're not training for a run then don't run in the gym and don't jog either. Every step you land is a big impact on your ankles, knees and hips. Just imagine your whole weight banging down on your knees over and over and over. That is why those exercises are called "high impact" exercises.

Instead do "low impact" ones, ones with no big or sudden jolts. Try using the exercise bikes, the hand bikes, the rower or even just go swimming. There is no point in hurting your joints if you don't have to.

12 Getting on the scales

Don't use the scales, use the mirror. There is one saying that actually isn't a myth, and that is that muscle weighs more than fat. If you're working on your cardio to lose weight and also doing some resistance training for the reasons in point 8 then you're losing some fat and gaining some muscle. Your weight might go down, stay the same, or go up. Your weight is just a number though, go by what you see in the mirror. Do you look better? Yes? Isn't that all that really matters?

Don't obsess over the scales, especially when you start an exercise regime. If you do want to weigh yourself then weigh yourself when you get to the gym, not when you leave. Your arrival weight is your true weight. That weight will lower as you sweat (a litre of sweat is 1kg or 2.2lbs) and go up as you drink water. By the end of your routine it will either be artificially low from fluid loss (the weight will go right back on when you drink) or artificially high if you drank more than you sweated but that will also go when you go to the toilet. For similar reasons as point 9 you don't lose any fat when at the gym. Yes, you heard that right…none. What you do is use up the chemical energy that is floating around your body for instant use, and that energy is replaced by depleting your fat stores when you're at rest and that is when your fat goes. Just to reiterate…any weight difference between you arriving at the gym and leaving is down to fluids, not fat.

13 What is fat?

Here's something you might not know...you neither gain nor lose fat. You have fat cells around your body (mostly under the skin) and those cells enlarge and deflate as fat is stored in them, or taken to be converted back to energy. So the cells themselves get bigger and smaller, but you don't ever gain fat cells or lose them.

So what happens when you have liposuction? When you have lipo those fat cells are physically removed...you lose them forever. The areas where you have lost those cells now do not grow and shrink like the areas where you haven't had lipo. So if you have lipo then put on a lot of weight you're going to look pretty odd indeed as you'll have patches and areas where you lack fat, and the surrounding area will be bloated like normal.

This is also why you can't just keep getting fat then having lipo. Fat isn't something that is introduced via your mouth (see point 7) and shoved under your skin for a surgeon to just come along and remove, then be replaced and removed again. Your fat cells remain consistent in number; it is their size that changes, so lipo should only be done in certain areas under certain circumstances.

It's not the panacea you might think it is.

14 Wait a minute...

So what you're saying is that diets are a waste of time? Yes.
Those exercise programmes I see in magazines to tone up for Summer are a waste of time? Yes.
Those products I see advertised are a waste of time? Yes.
So the entire health and fitness industry has been lying to me? Yes.

Think about it...if diets actually worked then the health and fitness industry would be over. What industry wants to bring about its own destruction? When that diet fails you go back to them to buy the next diet, and the one after that, and the one after that. When your SlenderTone doesn't work you go back for the Roller Ball, then back for the Twister Stepper and so on.

Have you also noticed how these days it is almost as if losing weight requires a PhD in nutrition? People talking about all of these chemical processes and scientific terms, and dictating that it's not how much you eat but what you eat, when you eat it, what it's chemical make-up is and yadda yadda. When you hear all of this mumbo jumbo science just remember one single thing...point 1. It’s not rocket science, trust me. Eat less, move more...that's all.

They want weight loss to sound complicated so that you think you're too stupid to be slim. They want your diet/exercise regime to fail so that you keep going back to them for the next solution that this time might work.

But why do people keep going back? Simple...by selling you a product and that product failing, it is the product you blame, so the answer might be a different product. However, what if the problem wasn’t the product, what if it was you? If you finally woke up and realised that, you'd also realise that no product they sell will ever be the answer as it’s you that is the problem.

See point 1.

It's 2am on a Saturday

2010-07-05T01:48:00.002+01:00

The streets are filled with energy and anger. Mostly anger. In nooks and crannies men are trying to bring their women around from some situation or other, or people are shouting on the phone to people they've become separated from probably by design rather than accident.

I see striped shirts are out now and checked shirts are in. The streets are a sea of check over blue denim and men loiter in gangs whilst shouting. Spatial context is gone and they roam and wander with no regard for anyone else and you're constantly dodging some zigzagging 80s arm chair in a world of his own, oblivious to everyone else. Women strut down the street in defensive stances, their arms crossed and tucked squarely, only breaking form to occasionally pull their skirt down from 1 inch below their ass to the maximum extent of 2 inches. Packs of men hunt down the solo females and posture in a contest to devour them as the females strut on, eyes fixed forward and praying inside. Being the biggest, loudest fucking asshole you can be is obviously appealing to women.

Homeless men sit on benches and call out to you as you pass. I don't hear them as I'm listening to music through my earphones but I know they're calling out as they always do. Homeless females prefer to sit in doorways looking downtrodden, luring men into their lair. Men always want to save women when they're drunk…not because they want to free them but because they want to own them. Men kneel down in their check shirts to offer trite words of advice about giving up drink and drugs, which the homeless women toss away, and money which they keep, ready to be saved by the next man too.

Outside the popular pubs are schools of men in check shirts, and women of all sizes in short skirts. Fake tan and pink Stetsons cause a feeding frenzy that I have to carefully pick my way through as I know the slightest knock or nudge could alert the sharks to my presence. Voices are raised everywhere as men either pick out victims or look down at illuminated faces of phones, women flirt with doormen while they pull their skirts down, some sit on the pavement with kebabs in their laps and their knickers on show while the pavements around them are a collaboration of streams coming from doorways where men are pissing like animals.

I get to my destination; a small shop just beyond where the pubs thin out. "No alcohol" the angry man barks as I come in, the same as he does to everyone. I take a diet coke to the counter which he rings up in silence. I look at the price on the till display and pay, then he hands me my change in silence. I think "no alcohol" is the only English he knows and as I leave a gang of men dressed as marathon runners pour in to a chorus of "No alcohol".

Walking back the way I have come I once more walk through the chaos and anger, the fear and the desperation, and the further I walk the more the women thin out having all but been picked off. The city seems to work as one; a predatory eco-system with everyone hunter of some and victim of other. Men have returned home with their trophies, or their hangovers, and I have returned home with my diet coke.

I don't even need diet coke…I just have an urge to be among people that are, like it or not, my peers. I need to prey on them, I want to experience them even if it is at a distance. I hate them but it is the jealous hatred of a child who can't have what he so desperately wants.

Study identifies 'many more' autism genes

2010-06-10T22:32:00.000+01:00

"The largest ever genetic study into autism has identified many more new genes involved in the disorder."

Read the full story

Autistic Superstars

2010-06-07T12:59:00.001+01:00

The BBC are doing a series of programmes about people with autism and on the whole they've been very good (such is the advantage of license-funded television :) ) and one such show was Autistic Superstars. The show aims to show-case the savant-like talents that some people with autism can exhibit, although it was concentrating mainly on those with musical talents.

One such chap I want to concentrate on is Derek Paravicini, who is a blind pianist. One of the party tricks he did on the show was for people to shout out songs and he would play them as an example of his incredible memory for songs. The thing is…is he a musical genius? Or just someone with an incredible memory for songs? For him is a song just a series of notes, like a computer program is just a series of ones and zeros for me? It is also known that autistic people can have a talent for patterns so this all that Derek is actually demonstrating? Not music per se, but patterns.

When he was playing his songs there was an incredible lack of warmth in his playing, the songs were mechanical and cold. I know it's a hard thing to put into words, but his songs just don't "sound right", they don't sound like music. This was best shown when someone shouted for him to play "Poker Face" by Lady Ga Ga. I assume you're aware of the piece :) It's not quite Beethoven, and it has some rather repetitive elements with a certain note in particular being repeated, and when he came to the repetitive bits he just literally hit the exact same note in time with the song. Ok…it might have been technically correct…but it wasn't music. What song has a pianist just hitting the same note, twice a second for 5 seconds and nothing else? It was like he knew the notes and the order and the timing but he was unable to interpret and produce what we consider to be music. He wasn't able to inject warmth or emotion.

There was another girl called Carly Ryan who could sing, however there were incredible similarities with Derek. Was she really singing, or just replying those ones and zeros in the right order with the right timing? When she spoke she would often use lines from movies and songs as sentences and she would recite them in the same style as they were uttered at the source…almost like an imitation, so she would seemingly break into an American accent while reciting what seems to be a sentence but is actually a line from a movie. Were her songs just imitations too? If she was given a new song to sing could she sing it? Did she know what notes were and how to hit them?

Obviously I don't want to knock these people for their extraordinary talents and abilities; I just thought it was quite a fascinating insight into what is maybe going on under the covers with these savant-type skills.

My telephone poles, my dark trenches, my broken windows, my park benches

2010-06-06T20:35:00.002+01:00

Well my holiday is almost all but over and it's been a journey of mixed emotions. I really enjoyed by trip back to my home city, however it only reminded me how much I'd love to live in a big city again, a thriving city full of things to do and places to go. It is a city of options and opportunities. A place one could truly get lost. I did have one "AS moment" though when my companion and I tried to get into a particular bar one evening. I did what I normally do…head down and no eye contact as my companion satisfied the social requirements of entering the premises. I could hear the usual pawns being exchanged such as "Y'all right?" and I stood, fixed on the door waiting for the bouncer to open it. Then an unusual move, "Y'all right?" I know enough that "Y'all right" is rhetorical and never repeated so I looked at the bouncer who was staring right at me with incredible intent. "Y'all right?" "Yeah" I said and tried for a moment to be "normal", I looked him in the eye and answered "yeah mate". He stared suspiciously then said to my companion "Not tonight…yeah?" and with that we left. I'm guessing he took my lack of eye contact to be a deliberate attempt to conceal some form of narcotics use and my detachment from the world as being the smoking gun. The irony was that I was stone cold sober, I was just being me.

That aside, during my long-weekend back home I really felt that I had re-gained something that I'd lost since my diagnosis. I spent a long time in the company of others and of course there were lots of silences…I doubt I'm ever going to be a social butterfly and unless it is a topic I'm interested in conversation will always dry. But I pretty much pulled it off. If I ever revealed my dirty secret I doubt they'd be surprised, I don't think "but you seem so normal" would be the first thing they'd say. I did re-discover some confidence though and I came back feeling quite happy and pleased.

Though naturally I was still delighted to get back, back to my current home, my current town. By the end of the week I was even actually enjoying my time off. I was enjoying just pottering around and not doing a lot. Enjoying not having the stress of work. That didn't last though…come Saturday I started feeling a lot of anxiety, and today was no different. I've been anxious all day, pacing up and down, every second feeling like an hour. This is all too familiar to me…that wait for Monday when I can recommence my routine of work and gym. Only then will my happiness return. It's not just the anxiety though…everything has fallen apart. In the week since my holiday started everything has broken…my flat is a tip, clothes are everywhere, nothing has been done, dishes are piling up, rubbish is piling up. I'm just watching the clock, for tomorrow will be truly magical.

Hands upon my back again

2010-05-26T23:51:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow is my last day at work for just over a week as I've taken some time off. It's a good time for me to take a break as the job is definitely more stressful than my last job and it's been 8 months with no break for me now. Plus I really need to use the holiday up before the end of the year.

It's just that I've been here before. So many times. I hate taking time off, I hate breaking the routine. Most people would be joyous and excited, whereas I am fretful and nervous. It's not just the break in routine but once more I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and travelling back to the place of my birth (only for the long weekend, the rest I'll spend back here). Further more I'll be staying with someone rather than staying in a hotel, and I don't do well in the constant company of others. What I'm wondering is if this "comfort zone" stuff is actually worth it. None of this stuff gets any easier the more I do it, so if it never gets any easier, and makes you feel uncomfortable, then is it worth it? Am I actually making things better for myself in the long-term, or just worse for myself in the short-term?

I just hope that when I get back I'll be blogging that I don't know what I was so worried about and that it was great and that I had a great time. We'll see.

A life half lived

2010-05-12T01:44:00.001+01:00

When I was younger we had a board game called The Game of Life. Despite its facetious name I suppose it was fairly accurate. You went to school and got a degree, got a job, married, bought a house, had kids then retired. In a way that's what life is to most people. Now that I'm getting on in years I see that people around me are all in long-term relationships, or getting married, or having kids, or buying houses, or planning retirement…playing The Game.

When I was a kid we spent our days pulling pigtails and playing computer games. Now that I'm an adult it's kinda weird how everyone else is playing The Game but I'm still pulling pigtails and playing computer games. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes I think about all of the normal things I've never known, and probably never will know. Time is marching on relentlessly but I'm staying the same, getting more and more distant from my peers, never being able to advance beyond those first few squares. They're developing their lives while I'm treading water. Next they'll all be dying, just to make me jealous.

I suppose in a way my current abstinence from alcohol is simply a subconscious furtherance of this retraction from life. I was never the social butterfly, but when I was drinking I did at least have a reason to leave my house at the weekend when the sun was down. I wasn't socialising as such, but at least I was out among people. I wasn't diving from the high board, but at least I had my toes in the water. At least I was rolling the dice.

Every day when I go into work and hear about the lives of others it's dawning on me what "life" is supposed to be and the pleasure people get from it. If they knew the truth, my life to them would seem like the plot from some futuristic horror movie. They don't know the truth though, so instead each Monday they ask "What did you do at the weekend?"; faces aglow with fresh memories and enthusiasm.

"Nothing."

Lazy Journalism

2010-05-09T18:44:00.001+01:00

For the last few weekends the supplements in the papers have carried articles on the "cougar" phenomenon. There are a few issues at play here... First of all the "cougar" thing isn't entirely new, it's been around in the world of pornography for some time, but what's interesting is the media's new-found fascination with it. Why now all of a sudden are the weeklies carrying articles focussed on "older" women who seek out younger men? Interviewing them, and lauding their way of life? What was the trigger? Television.

Is it a coincidence that the media have latched onto this only after an American sit-com on the subject staring Courtney Cox was aired in the UK? Now I can barely flick through a glossy without Trumpesque housewives pictured under headlines such as "I love younger men, so what?" with articles peppered with ubiquitous cliché such as "they're not exploiting me, I'm exploiting them". Are journalists really just sitting there as popular culture passes them buy, doing nothing but watching TV and when TV introduces them to something new they think they might look into it? I don't doubt for a second that they are.

Lazy journalism aside, the other issue at play here is the age-old one of the double standards that pervades most studies of the sexes. Aren't old men who chase young girls disgusting perverts and paedophiles? People to be hounded by the press, not celebrated by them?

There are even TV shows that do nothing but re-broadcast things they have found on YouTube. And other comedy-based shows are increasingly turning to YouTube clips to pad-out their running time.

Even looking at the output of respected journalists such as those who feature on the BBC's website, you can see reams of articles that are nothing more than passing on what people are saying on Twitter, or Facebook. Or "the blogsphere"…what a self-congratulatory term that is. Am I a journalist? Hell, no. But looking at what journalism seems to be becoming it probably wouldn't be hard to give it a go.

Fay Ripley wants me destroyed

2010-05-02T17:16:00.002+01:00

I caught a re-run of Room 101 that had Fay Ripley as a guest and one thing she wanted to put into Room 101 was shy people. She was of the opinion that being shy was akin to being rude. She lamented diner parties and the like where people struggle to return conversation, exclaiming it was just a drain on her energies. It seems that we shy people were only put on earth to spoil her social occasions and act as a bar to the furthering of her pleasures, to such an extent that she would rather we just don't exist at all.

Luckily Paul Merton recalled his own childhood experiences, and so refused to consign us all to Room 101 saying that some people can't really help being shy and it doesn't make us bad people. If I ever appear on Room 101 I'll put 40-something women with breasts like Spaniel's ears wearing push-up bras into Room 101.

:)

Update on godliness

2010-04-23T16:53:00.000+01:00

I'm still an atheist.

Update on cleanliness

2010-04-22T15:24:00.001+01:00

I had the pleasure of my landlord coming around recently so I had the usual panic of cleaning up and making my flat suitable for human habitation. In the past I've always told myself I'll keep the cleaning up but I never do so I've stopped promising myself. Thing is, having a clean flat is more than just being able to have people over with less than a week's notice. It genuinely does bring your whole mental state down when you live in a tip. When you have to say goodnight to a pig sty, then wave it goodbye as you leave for work in the morning only for it to still be there when you get back, it's just depressing.

So this time I've promised myself I'm going to keep my flat clean from now on :)

Update on literature

2010-04-21T18:21:00.002+01:00

My quest to be better read is jogging along nicely. After finishing "The Picture of Dorian Gray" I went straight onto Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment" and now I'm reading Joseph Heller's "Catch 22". In the wings I already have "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "Frankenstein" waiting. Personally I think "Frankenstein" is bending the rules slightly so I'll be careful with what I choose to follow that up with.

So far though…what can I say? If this is the best literature in the world I'm glad they invented movies :)

"Catch 22" isn't that great for people with Asperger's. I have social blindness so I find it hard to build and maintain profiles of characters in books (and movies too sometimes) and Catch 22 throws lots and lots of characters around and things happen between characters that are revisited over the twisting chronology, but for me every chapter is almost like reading about these characters again for the first time. Crime and Punishment was easier as there were only a handful of main characters and it stuck to a standard time-line. There was some difficulty with the names as the characters all have at least three ways they can be named and there is little rhyme or reason as to which name is used at any time so it takes a while to realise who is being referenced. Dorian Gray was the easiest of them all as there were very few characters, a basic timeline and people only had one name :)

Update on work

2010-04-20T17:23:00.001+01:00

I've been at my job for over 6 months now and I've pretty much settled in…as have others settled with me. The person I sit beside has already remarked that I eat the same thing for lunch every day. Winter's gone so at least I'm not getting comments about never wearing a jacket any more. It also turns out an ex-colleague went to university with someone at my work. I know their name but I'm not too familiar with them as a person. I had met up with this ex-colleague and he asked me if I know such-and-such and I said "not really." Someone else who was there asked "does he know AS4L?" to which the ex-colleague replied with a smile "oh, everyone knows AS4L". I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm hoping it is in reference to my legendary comedy skills :)

As for my colleagues in general…it really is same s**t different day. The things that annoyed me in my old place are just annoying me slightly less in my new place. It seems that other people's flaws are universal. Again I am finding myself frustrated at other people's lack of attention to detail and inability to come up with decent solutions to things. I know that the detail thing is maybe just me being too focussed on detail, but I don't know if it isn't also that they're just slack or don't care. Maybe it's a bit of both.

On a related note I can see myself doing some things that, in hindsight, maybe weren't the best ideas I've ever had. One colleague brought me to his computer for me to look at something they had finished but I didn't like the way they had done it. I didn't like it at all. I advised them of a better way that was in keeping with good principles and practices and would be more flexible for the client and less prone to errors but they didn't seem to care, in their mind the job was done. So when I got back to my own computer I completely re-wrote everything they had done. When my way was finished I showed the colleague my method and explained why it was better. It was only in the following days it dawned on me that it would probably piss me off if I showed something to someone and they went and re-wrote it. I suppose it could be considered disrespectful…but he should have taken my advice and implemented my method himself so I didn't have to do it for him :)

Similarly I went over reams and reams of another colleagues work and noted down every error. I fixed most of them but left the more complicated issues for them to fix. When I was done I sent them this big list of things I had fixed and a list for them still to fix. My intention of telling him the things I had fixed was so he was aware that he had done them wrong so he could look at the updated version and learn from it…but again it was only in the following days that I realised he probably just thinks I'm a prick :)

Medicated Kids

2010-04-19T23:34:00.001+01:00

I saw an interesting documentary from Louis Theroux about America's habit of medicating children for mental illnesses. The great thing about Louis is that he is so skilful at bringing out from people themselves the very essence of what he wants from them. He always lets the subject show their true colours and it is for you to spot…there is never a voice-over to make obvious the significance of what the person has just said; you have to register it yourself.

It revolved around about three children in all, some featured more than others. One child he spent a lot of time with had Asperger's Syndrome (AS), as well as bi-polar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. He was on medication for all of these (apart from AS, of course) and it really came as no surprise to find that his whole family were on medication too. Even the dog was on anti-anxiety medication. No…that wasn't a joke.

Now I have to admit I did see some signs of AS in him but who knows, he could have just been a typical surly 10 year old boy. Louis also saw these signs and I was impressed with the research he must have done for the show. Not only was he able to spot the signs of AS, he knew instantly every type of medication these kids were on and what the active processes in them were. At one point he talked to the parents to find out where this stuff all began, and they said it started with his bi-polar (there is some doubt if bi-polar even exists in young children) that they discovered via his suicidal thoughts. These thoughts came out when he was punished for something and threatened to throw himself under a car when they chastised him. When Louis managed to spend some time alone with the child he asked him about the incident and the boy was very straightforward and nonchalant about it, saying it was only a threat and he didn't mean it. He certainly showed no signs of having suicidal thoughts at the time; he came across as a typical boy of his age. So if he didn't really have suicidal thoughts are his parents just too quick to see things that aren't there and then turn to medication? If he isn't bi-polar, is he any of the other things he is being medicated for?

The coupe de grace came in his final talk with the parents where he said that he could see signs of AS in him, but not much else. Their reply was that that proved the medication was working. They can't medicate for AS so the fact that only that is showing is proof the other issues are being controlled. I immediately thought of The Simpsons where Homer claims that the "bear patrol" (paid for by a new "bear tax") is working as he sees no bears.

Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?

Another child (around 6) also had the same issues (minus AS) and his main problem was that he was a bad loser. Ummm….ok. If he lost at something he would throw a tantrum, or hide under the desk, and these were the issues they were working on. When Louis visited them at home he brought out a simple game to play with the child, and he beat him at the game. So the kid throws a tantrum and goes screaming behind the sofa…but it was obvious to any observer that he was just playing, it was just an extension of the game. He was smiling and laughing at the camera as he was screaming behind the sofa.

Another family (same thing….OCD, ADHD, you get the picture) and the kids of this family claimed they actually felt better off the medication they'd been given.

I've always been of the opinion that people are medicated too much these days, mainly on the whim of the patient. It makes sense that these same types of people are also keen to cash in on the labelling craze and medicate their children too. I think a part of them has bought into the idea of perfect children that TV and movies preaches to us and they're neither prepared for, or happy with, the reality that children are actually difficult. Subconsciously are these parents really just hibernating their children? Turning them into zombies through the early years so they can start being real parents when the kids start being "fun"?

I also see it as an extension of the "mini-me" phenomenon where pushy parents try and stamp their own identity onto their kids. Forcing them to look like they do, to do the hobbies they do etc. Now they want them diagnosed and medicated like they are too. Having experienced many different takes on AS around the internet one thing that has struck me quite solidly is that a massive percentage of "people with AS" on the internet are not only self-diagnosed, but have diagnosed most people in their life with AS too. Or if not AS then some other "condition". There are genuinely people out there who, for some reason I don't understand, seem to revel in being diagnosed with something or diagnosing others. Almost like it is a game…like it's "fun" to be "special". Which brings me back to another poignant moment in the documentary where Louis asked the boy with AS how he feels about all of his diagnoses. "I like it." "Do you like being special?" "Yeah…it's fun".

Bonfire of the Vanities

2010-04-05T02:42:00.000+01:00

I'd always thought that vanity was a negative thing, something to shy away from or be embarrassed about. I always thought that vanity was an insult you would hurl at people. Maybe it's the "Beckham" effect, maybe it’s the feminisation of men, maybe it's the stigmatisation of masculinity and the media's attempt to destroy all things male…but it now seems that vanity is passé. You can walk into any public bathroom and the man grooming and preening every hair and angle in the mirror rather than jumping at the shame of being caught, will instead continue his activities as if you weren't even there.

Eating in the fast lane

2010-04-04T01:34:00.001+01:00

I made a fairly recent discovery of an eating establishment not too far from where I live. It's a bit "tea and scones", with the clientele's average age around 70. Sprinkled about the place are also some 40-something ladies-who-lunch. Despite not being in their target demographic, they do a damn fine burger and nice coffee so I like to pop in, even if the tables are a little cramped.

Last weekend I tried to sneak in a cheeky burger on Saturday afternoon but to my dismay there was a queue about three deep already waiting to be seated. It's not a huge place, but there are still about 10 tables. I decided that the quality of the food was worth hanging around at least a short time to see if a seat would become available. As I was waiting I cast my gaze over the grazers and you know what I discovered? No-one was eating!!! People were just sat there chatting. Elbows on table, stilts for their heads over empty plates hovering around post-lunch conversation. What annoyed me more than anything was, yet again, people's complete and utter disregard for anyone but themselves. I'd be lying if I said I've never over-stayed a welcome at a table, scooping the froth from a dead cappuccino into my mouth while I finish off the funnies in the paper. But not if there is a queue three deep waiting!

Restaurants need some form of special, express-style seating section. Now this is quite novel so bear with me…but it would be a special area in a restaurant for people who want to eat. Radical concept, I know, but I think it might just work.

I'm "that guy"

2010-03-23T20:52:00.004Z

Today at work I had a triumph and an "AS" moment all in one. We have a mailing distribution list for "off topic" emails such as jokes, funny videos etc. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a comic and if I can blow my own trumpet a little I think my contribution to the list is rather well received. Of course I don't post many e-mails, I find no humour in just "passing on" something I've found, but my responses to other e-mails and the like have not gone without note.

For background information, there is someone at work who seems rather well liked by the ladies and if I put my "AS" hat on, I'd say it is a combination of him being flirtatious, as well as him being engaged. I think women respond favourably to men who are attached as they can indulge in "harmless" flirtation themselves. Maybe it gives them an even greater boost to know that they can still turn the head of someone who is engaged to be married, to flirt and cause them to flirt back. He is also very keen (scarily keen) to share his flaws with others and I think that's something women might be responding to; someone "in touch" with themselves rather than just touching themselves. Whatever it is, it's certainly not his looks and I'd love to drink a bottle of it.

Well there is a girl in particular at work that I've noticed he has a bit of a relationship with that a man who is engaged should not really be having. Nothing is "going on", but I can tell the flirting is just something more than flirting. Well today was most unfortunate for this woman, as she responded to an email he had sent to this "off topic" list obviously intending it to go directly to him, but she had sent it by mistake to the distribution list instead. The mail wasn't "terrible", but for a man who prefers to read between lines more than on them, the language used betrayed this hidden relationship of theirs that I think they have. More so I feel that maybe they are verbally acknowledging this relationship to each other in secret. Feeding off it.

Now a man has an option of simply ignoring the mistaken email to hide the embarrassment of all involved. He also has an option of responding to the distribution list highlighting the mistake in a cleverly worded fashion for comic effect… I'm not completely without a conscience and my finger did hover over the "Send" button for a moment while I told myself, internally, that if I didn't have Asperger's I probably wouldn't be sending the e-mail I was about to send. But on the other hand it was f**king hilarious. So I sent it.

The reaction was fairly instant with stifled laughter being heard around the office, I could even hear in some corners my very name being mentioned; "Did you read AS4L's email?" Responses came to me direct with all manner of grandiose exclamations of how funny it was and how much they had enjoyed it. Yet not a single, solitary person sent to the distribution list that they thought it was funny…the replies all came directly to me. Directly in a way that said "I've always thought there was something up between those two, I'm just glad someone came out and said it, and I'm glad it wasn't me who was that guy."

Turning off

2010-03-04T22:01:00.003Z

Since I've started my new job I've been almost over-stimulated mentally and I'm finding it hard to switch off when I leave. It's not just when I leave either; I often work through a bit of my lunch too. It's like I'm so focussed on what I'm doing and what the next step is, that I just want to get to that step. Usually I'm lifting my feet up for the cleaners while everyone else has gone home, just wanting to do that little bit more. When I finally leave I just can't turn off and what I need to do the next day just goes around and around my head.

In the evening I usually send an e-mail from my home account to my work account detailing what I have to do the next day and in it I make any notes about things I need to check, things I need to make sure other people are doing and so on. It seems to help me and I do go down a gear after I've sent the email, almost like it's the full stop to the working day. It can be worse on Friday as I have the whole weekend to mull things over before I can get back to it!

I'm sure it's partially just the novelty factor and it'll wear off, but I've obviously had jobs before and don't remember ever being like this. It's good in a way as it shows I am focussed…but it's bad because no-one wants to come home and be plagued with thoughts of work - you want to relax.

Something else I'm having to deal with is the meeting culture. I'm rubbish at multi-tasking and switching tasks. I like to do one thing and see it through, but when there are meetings set up left right and centre you just have to stop what you're doing to attend. It isn't just you but other people have all resolved to get together at that time and you need to attend there and then.

Killing time

2010-02-28T20:20:00.003Z

Sunday, 6pm. I haven't left the house all day. I got up late and did French toast for lunch, started playing my xbox and here I still am. Not only a stranger to the outside, but also to clothes. I put the controller down, get dressed, gather up The Picture of Dorian Gray and head to my local by way of the newsagent. I haven't showered or washed since Friday night.

It is bitterly cold outside but the pub is warm, if loud, and fairly busy although there is a table free so I stay. I order a diet coke and sit at the free table and place my paper down. I lament at the growing redundancy of newspapers as the last sections are "sport" (in the UK sport is a euphemism for "football") that I have no interest in so never read. It seems to me that there are two kinds of men…one who reads a newspaper from the back to the front, and me. Leaving the professional lives of footballers to face the table, I turn over the first, second, third, fourth and fifth pages of the front of the paper as they are adorned with the personal lives of footballers that I have no interest in.

My paper spent, and me no more educated, I sit still for a while and listen to the music that, for once, is quite pleasant, if a little loud. It feels like that special effect you see on TV where the protagonist stays still while the world flurries past in a stop-motion blur. To my left are a group of musicians that are killing time waiting for their gig to start at the venue next door. To the right of me are a group of men, standing up in the glow of the television that broadcasts sport. Having lost the power of speech, everything the say must be shouted and enforced with fists on tables and unreasonably loud and raucous fake laughter. If they can address someone at the other end of the room rather than one beside them it is all the better as they can scream and shout all the louder.

At the bar is sat an off-duty barmaid. It seems that when you work at a bar it becomes your life. You're there when you're working and socialising when you're not. She is an attractive girl with a good body that she refuses to show off. Queen bee in human form, everywhere she goes there is a swarm of men buzzing around her and she flits her attention between them all, flirtatiously running her fingers through her honey-blonde hair.

The time I used to kill with alcohol is now left to me to spend in regret. I wonder if I actually don't want to be social, or if I've just given up. A part of me envies these people and their circle of friends, spending time instead of killing it. Filling their moments with joy and happiness while I fritter mine away. A part of me remembers the two unanswered text messages on my phone and remembers who I am.

Leaving the room to themselves, I open my book and continue to read while I try my best to block out the environment. When I'm done reading I'll go home to my xbox. I'll have something to eat. I'll watch a movie. I'll wait for the day to end.

How to get what you want

2010-02-21T14:12:00.002Z

There is a series of TV programs running in the UK at the moment that is pseudo-science titillation dressed up as informational programming. It is called "How to get what you want" and features a team of people who can show you tips and tricks on how to be successful. Each show covers a different topic and not being very well equipped for life I thought it was the kind of thing that someone with Asperger's Syndrome should watch.

I recently caught the one on how to be successful with the opposite sex. Something I certainly need help with. The panel consisted of (and I quote) "a brain scientist" as well as your usual "relationship expert" and an expert on body language. The show comprised of information about how people's minds work and what behaviours they exhibit that they might not be aware of. They also ran a series of experiments to demonstrate various hypothesis.

What it didn't really do was tell you how to get what you want. It showed how people flirt what why they flirt and there was some explanation of what men look for in women and what women look for in men. The experiments involved a group of young, attractive 20-somethings in bar scenarios. However none of these people were being told what to do...everything they did was natural behaviour. So if we do these things naturally…what exactly is this show all about? I am guessing it is implying that if you're not successful with the opposite sex that maybe you are not doing these things so you should start doing them. In other words, be fake.

Other things that were revealed were how men concentrate on physical appearance when they first see a girl, but girls tend to draw conclusions about a man's personality from how he appears. They also demonstrated that first impressions can actually be changed so it is possible to turn someone around with conversation.

Regarding what a man wants, they want someone who looks young and healthy. So tips for women were to wear flattering clothes and make-up to enhance good features and cover bad ones. Wow, really? I'm sure that was a revelation for many. Regarding what a woman wants, they want a man to be masculine, broad-shouldered and have the appearance of someone who can protect and provide and is healthy. When it came to tips for men they fell short of saying you should hit the gym, they simply said that if your strengths are health, or youth you should show them. If you have wealth you should show that too.

Now my problem here is that I despise outward displays of personal attributes. I can't stand seeing guys in tight tops and vests showing off muscles. I can't stand people with flash jewellery and designer clothes. I think it is vulgar and shallow to behave that way. So is that why I'm not too successful with the ladies? Should I be spending my money on Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, an Armani suit and a Rolex watch? Yet again an advice show is telling me to attract women I'd have a better chance if I pretended I was someone I'm not. Is this how normal people behave?

Then in a display of serendipity I was watching another show where I gleam psychological knowledge of the workings of the woman's inner mind. It's called Take Me Out and comprises a line of about 30 girls each with a light to demonstrate they are still interested in the current male contestant. As each guy is introduced they have to endure a few rounds that include their introduction, a display of talent, sometimes their own VT or that from their family or friends. With each round the women turn off their lights if they are not interested. At the end if the guy still has girls with lights still on they can choose one to go on a date with.

On an episode I saw today a guy came out in his twenties I guess, not ugly but not the most attractive person on the planet either. He was dressed the way most contestants are, in jeans and a clean white cotton shirt. His hair was styled the same way most contestants have their hair styled. He was your common or garden guy…looks the same as every other guy. After the introduction a few girls turned their lights off. For the second round his "trick" or "talent" was simply to reveal that he was worth £10m. From that point on only two girls maybe turned their light off and similarly in subsequent rounds almost no-one turned their light off. Also from that point all he did was talk about money or his yacht or his lifestyle and how he has a lot of gold-diggers, how he wants to avoid gold-diggers blah blah blah. If you want to avoid gold-diggers why not just not tell people about your money?

Long story short, by the end of his rounds he had more lights still on than any other contestant I've ever seen. Yet if you asked women I'm sure they'd express utter revulsion at the idea that they'd date a man because he was rich. Yet here it was…spelled out in black and white. No matter what women say about how they're not shallow, and how money doesn't matter, here they were throwing themselves at a man who has done nothing but reveal he was rich.

I wonder if the Rolex shop is still open.

Better dead than red

2010-02-15T23:45:00.003Z

When I was younger I used to read a lot but my reading habits were maybe typical of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. Almost exclusively, I read non-fiction. The rare times I did read fiction it was something that was about whatever I was interested in at the time. I used to think that reading a fiction book was a waste of time. Why invest all that time in something purely for pleasure when you could be educating yourself and learning instead?

Now that I'm older I have to admit I've all but stopped reading books, and even the rare books that I do read are fiction. Oh, the irony. I'm not sure what caused this change. I think maybe I realised that when you read a non-fictional book about something you're only really getting one person's view of the facts with selective evidence to back it up. I think also when I was younger I didn't appreciate that the language that makes up the book can be art itself, the art was not just the finished product.

It's been a while since I read any books so I recently made a decision to make myself better read. I'm not sure if I'll find anything that will change my life, or even anything I'd want to read more than once (the concept of reading a book more than once is something I don't think I'll ever understand). On the other hand I do expect to read a lot of crap that I have to struggle through then curse that I ever wasted the time.

One of the reasons I want to be better read is because I want "in". I want to see what it is about these books that everyone talks about. I want to experience something that is an important piece of people's lives, and an important artifact of our collective culture. If I'm honest, though, a little piece of me wants to read these books because I'm a snob and I think reading books will make me a "better" person.

I want to concentrate on "classics" and have few books in mind already and I know some people who know some people who read some books so I'll seek to get recommendations too. I'm currently reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. It's a bit of a cheat first book and I know I'm easing myself into this exercise as I know the story very well (I've read Will Self's "Dorian" and I've seen the movies too) and it is something that piques my interest. Couple to that Wilde's famous wit, of which I have enjoyed and admired many of his quips, and I think it's a good book to start with.

Big spaces and small spaces

2010-02-08T18:43:00.001Z

After my initial introduction to my new company I have been moved into the general population…namely the main open-plan office. I know many people with Asperger's Syndrome have problems with open-plan offices and such but I'm not that bothered by it. I'm missing the reduction in screen privacy, and I guess I am occasionally annoyed by the idiotic discussions that go on around me, both technical (someone didn't understand why when updating something using jQuery the html in view->source did not also change (sorry if you don't understand that)) and non-technical (someone telling an anecdote about someone they knew who worked at a bank and programmed the computers to siphon off spare money…I swear this actually took place, I couldn't bite my lip and had to inform him that wasn't an anecdote, it was the plot for Superman III).

Stranger than the open-plan office is the lift that I need to take each morning, and each evening. It's only a few floors but when you’re in a confined space with someone you're constantly thinking in your head "please no-one start a conversation"…but they always do. We're in there for 20 seconds or less…how can you have a conversation? Gah! This morning I had to actually go the wrong way out of the office so I didn't cut my co-converser off mid anecdote (he was telling me about his friend who got bitten by a radioactive spider). Then on the way home rather than go to the car park I had to walk half way down the road so I didn't cut off someone else mid-anecdote.

Impatience

2010-02-06T18:00:00.000Z

While walking around among other people it seems that I am the most impatient person in the world. I am the only one who appears to ever have an agenda or somewhere to go or some place to be. Apart from me, everyone just seems to not care. They all dawdle and crawl and clump together causing nothing but blockages and nuisance.

It's not only when on the move, but everywhere. They can't use an ATM in under 10 minutes, they can't have their money ready when getting to the counter or the ticket machine. They can't have already decided what they want to eat when coming to order.

I think the phenomenon at work is that other people enjoy the journey, where I am just looking to reach the destination. I always have somewhere in mind that I am going to, and I just want to get there. Other people seem to enjoy ambling so that they can use the time to talk and socialise.

That explains the walking around…but why can't people use an ATM in an expedient manner or show efficiency when their actions affect others? I suppose people are just selfish.

I am Jack's lonely liver

2010-02-04T02:49:00.001Z

Last year when I had that time off between jobs and went on a tour of the country, I entered into that state where you drink so much it just has no effect on you any more and you're drinking purely for the 2 seconds it wastes lifting up your arm then putting it back down again. When I returned I vowed to dry up a little. I mainly had my new job in mind as I wanted to stay acute and focussed, not obtuse and hung-over.

My problem is that "moderation" isn’t in my vocabulary. I've tried cutting back, I've desperately tried not drinking on Sundays so I am fine for work the next day but all I end up doing is breaking promises. I guess I'm just an all-or-nothing kinda guy, so I decided to just stop drinking altogether. I was off the wagon for Christmas and New Year as I knew I couldn't possibly handle the stress and anxiety without it, but that's been my only blip so far in four months now.

In terms of the health benefits I've already lost over half a stone which isn't bad seeing as I haven't changed what I eat or how much I exercise. My sleep is a lot better too. During the week I still don't get much sleep, but I haven't had to go to work with a hangover for a long time so I'm always fresh and alert in the mornings. At the weekend I usually turn my phone off when I go to bed and just sleep right through to the morning, waking up naturally. Usually when you're drinking you don't get a particularly restful sleep…but now I sleep for a good 7 or 8 hours and when I wake up I actually feel like I've had a good, solid sleep too. I feel really rested and rejuvenated, not all dehydrated and restless.

It's not all good though…obviously I do miss it and things just don't "feel right" at the weekend when you're not drinking. I still go out to see local bands and things but it's not quite the same when you're drinking coke at £3 a pint. When you're sat at home of a weekend watching TV, movies or playing games it's just not as relaxing without a few drinks. Having Asperger's Syndrome (AS) my mind is always racing and I miss the down time that being drunk gives me. In terms of work nights out and things, it's never fun being around drunk people when you're sober. So I'm not saying I'm teetotal now or anything, I'm just trying this out for now to see where it goes. Recovered alcoholics must have a terrible time; at least people who have never drunk don't know what they're missing.

Maybe my AS is actually helping me here. I'm always telling people who are "trying" to give up smoking; "why don't you just not smoke?" "You don't understand…" they bleat. Maybe as I'm so centred around routines I've just made this my new routine? "Not drinking" is now what I do.

Damn you, cruel fate!

2010-01-18T01:16:00.001Z

There's a terrible twist to having Asperger's Syndrome that leads me to believe it was either designed by the devil, or I have been a very bad person in a former life. It goes without saying that I'm not the best face-to-face communicator which makes it all the harder for starting relationships. I can only really meet women in quite controlled circumstances… pubs and clubs are out of the question, as are overly noisy places or places where there are lots of distractions. Hopefully also a place the same woman habituates to allow me to gradually get to know her and work what little charms I have. Now let's throw into the mix the fact that all of my pastimes are either solitary or male-dominated, and it'd be easier finding a bacon sandwich in a mosque than a suitable partner.

My quiver is not entirely devoid of arrows though. Via a focused and controllable medium like e-mail where it is just me, the canvas, and time, I can be quite eloquent. When the social barrier that stops me taking part in the world is not a factor I can let my real self come out, I can express myself and engage with people. I imagine that the way I communicate through e-mail is the way normal people communicate face to face. These keys…these fingers…this is my face.

So at a certain level I am able to stir interest in a member of the opposite sex…but why do we e-mail people in the first place? Because we have no physical access to them, usually because they live far away. And that's the sand in the Vaseline. The one social skill I do have rendered completely useless.

Ben X

2010-01-02T01:15:00.002Z

Tonight I watched "Ben X" which is a movie dealing with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). To say a few things, it is foreign language with English subtitles, and also that it is about someone who really does have AS, this isn't another "Big Bang Theory" where the "aspie" community have outed someone as having AS when they don't. Ben is a teenager who is relentlessly bullied at school, but seeks solace at night in the virtual worlds of on-line computer games. He teams up with a girl who plays the same game as him, his only real friend, and together they hatch a plan for revenge.

The movie shows an excellent knowledge of the subject matter, and as well as the scripted dialogue there are many unspoken, and sometimes fleeting, "moments" that people without an in-depth knowledge of AS would probably miss. Dialogue between Ben and other characters is cleverly filmed to highlight the way someone with AS perceives the world. I was really impressed with the way that not all of the symptoms were verbally rammed down your throat and explained in simple language…much of the film is exceptionally well underplayed.

Ignoring the AS elements for a while, this film has some of the short-comings of Mozart and the Whale in that for those not interested in the subject matter it's really just an "ok" movie. Perhaps even slightly sub-par.

It's also very intense; frequently harrowing, with very dark and desaturated visuals to hammer home the bleakness which never really lets up. The story is also incredibly bleak…don't expect to see an AS sufferer as "geeky and goofy but loveable nonetheless". Also don't expect to see a science genius who just has a few problems getting a girlfriend. No positive spin is ever given to Ben's AS - this movie focuses squarely on depression, loneliness, fear and anxiety.

If you have an interest in AS I'd say this is definitely worth watching. It's distressing but very well made and there are some really beautiful pieces of dialogue and moments that are so incredibly insightful you'll think the film maker has been reading the diary you only wish you could keep.

Ho, ho, horrible

2009-12-30T00:56:00.001Z

My anxiety levels have been through the roof today, all day. My flat looks like the only gift I got this year was squatters. I honestly can't remember the last time I did the dishes, and the only thing with more dust than the cans and bottles on my floor is the vacuum cleaner. I'm living off takeaways and alcohol as each day is as without structure as the last. Getting up later and later each day, starting to drink earlier and earlier each evening. My deep depression has now turned into absolute anxiety.

I'm back at work for two days which is a strain to be honest, and then it all starts again until the New Year when I'll have a whole new batch of people to lie to about how great my Christmas was.

Let's get the party started

2009-12-24T12:47:00.001Z

It was my new company's Christmas party last week, and I thought I'd better go along. I had an idea I wouldn't like it as it takes me a while to relax around new people. I had a get-together with my old work colleagues and it was great. People I'd known for years and I felt relaxed and able to talk, or just listen and not feel bad. We talked about people we knew and events we had all shared in.

My new work colleagues are all still a mystery to me, and I still haven't met 90% of the company. I turned up to the venue in my usual non-work attire of jeans and a t-shirt. Luckily I saw others arrive as I approached and my attire was somewhat "off point" so I had to go home to change into something more suit orientated. I returned to the venue and walked into a massive room where everyone was mingling and I was probably the last to turn up. Even in my new clothes I was underdressed with most men wearing morning suits or tuxedos and the females all wore glamorous ball gowns and dresses.

And I first turned up in jeans and a T-shirt.

I felt quite embarrassed and humiliated to be honest. How could I have gotten it so wrong? Two hundred people seemed to instinctively know the dress code was ubersmart; they had all managed to tap into this subconscious stream of social awareness that runs through all human beings with the exception of myself. At least I was in a position to go home and change - otherwise it would have been like that dream where you're naked, only more embarrassing.

The format of the evening was a mingle followed by us sitting for a meal in pre-arranged tables, and then more mingling after the meal. Needless to say my pre-drink mingling was awkward and mainly involved me hovering in the background of people who were probably internally debating on whether to acknowledge my existence or not.

The meal wasn't too bad as I kinda knew a few people on my table so made sure I arranged to sit next to them. In order to do so I had to swap places with someone so I swapped our name cards to complete the subterfuge. After 10 minutes or so in my seat its rightful owner approached and picked her wine glass up from in front of me, saying "sorry, I left my drink at your seat" with an amazingly subtle amount of sarcasm.

After the meal people started to talk and drift and people came and went and the whole seating structure of the room broke down and people floated like nebulous particles waiting to dock. The noise got louder and louder and I started to shut down, waiting for an opportunity to leave under the cloak of other people's social activity.

And then it happened…the pity talk. Someone who themselves seemed to have no-one to talk to, not because they were autistic but because they were boring, came over and flatly announced "I thought I'd come and talk to you". By now I had already shut down, I could barely hear anything, I tried to read their lips as best I could but ended up leaning in for far too many "eh?"s. I conversed the best I could but there was no way out of this. It was a war of attrition where neither of us had anyone to come to the rescue, and my mobile phone was off so I couldn't simulate a "silent call" with some deft manipulation so I was stuck. In one of the many lulls in our conversation I excused myself to see if "someone I'm giving a lift to" had left yet and they got the message and allowed me to scan the room with full neck motion until they got the message and left. I left shortly after.

It would have been better for me if I had never gone in the first place. I'm sure I came across as pretty rude to a few people *shrug* I just need more time to feel comfortable around these people, but I think I've put myself one step forward and two steps back. My probation is coming to an end in a few weeks too.

Christmas

2009-12-23T14:45:00.001Z

This Christmas will be maybe my purest yet. It's just me and my flat this year. I think the thing that people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) hate the most about Christmas is dealing with the expectations and needs of other people. People tend to be quite clandestine about their wants and desires and this is normally alright as normal people can pick up their hints and signals and successfully decode them. Unfortunately us with AS lack this ability.

It means that Christmas spent around friends and families is usually bound to end in an accumulation of interpretation, worry and ultimately disappointment. The only Christmas gift people really want is for you to show them that you understand them. It's a gift I can never give.

Thinking outside the box

2009-12-15T18:53:00.002Z

I had an interesting day at work today. One of the main differences between my new job and my old one is that at my current job everyone is quite competent at what they do, and I'm also the "middle" developer with one developer more senior than me. So I don't spend as much time helping other people with their problems as I did in my old job.

However today we were dealing with a problem that no-one could solve or even much understand. Lots of people had had a hand in solving it to no avail. Now in these situations, what often happens is an unofficial coding free-for-all where everyone works on the problem at the same time with the aim that the person who solves it first gets the kudos.

So we were all pretty much focussed on solving this tricky problem and to paraphrase the situation, imagine a chain of events from step 1 to step 5, and step 5 is failing quite spectacularly. My colleagues were all spending their efforts looking at the ins and outs of step 5 and really tearing it apart and pouring over every line, trying to understand why it was failing. However I was the only one who seemed to contemplate the issue as a whole, and despite the obvious failure at step 5 I didn't want to make assumptions about where the fault was. So I took some time to analyse not how step 5 failed, but why it failed. After spending a few minutes on that I made some discoveries that all of my colleagues had missed. Mainly because they were looking at something else. Using my findings I back-tracked to step 4 to see the problem emerging, then back to step 3 to see the problem starting. It was step 3 that had the problem, and like dominos it was step 5 that exhibited the failure.

I'm now no more than 15 minutes into my attempt to solve the problem and I'm investigating an area none of my colleagues are. I am now confident that none of my colleagues has a chance of solving this problem as they are looking in the wrong place, so I soldier on and after half an hour I had finally solved the problem that no-one else could.

Now I'm not just blowing my own trumpet here :) the whole incident really taught me a few things. What struck me most was that my colleagues were acting in exactly the same way that my colleagues at my old job did. I was always frustrated as I felt people wasted too much energy looking for solutions in the wrong places after making too many assumptions. Not only that, but at my old job I'd often get annoyed at my colleagues' constant dialogue about what they thought was wrong, as to me that was just a distraction to my own train of thought. I'd feel like saying "stop wasting your time and stop speaking to me…you're looking into the wrong thing, you'll never solve this problem". Again today the same thing…I had to put up with a constant dialogue from my colleagues about this step 5 and I just tried to "yeah" and "uh-huh" the talk away and not let it distract me from looking at step 3.

This is a very clear-cut example of what people mean by out of the box thinking, and how the way my brain is wired gives me an advantage in problem solving over my non-autistic colleagues. When presented with a step that fails they get polarised by that step and can't see outside of its confines to contemplate that the real problem might be elsewhere. Whereas my first thought isn't "I wonder what is wrong with step 5", but "I wonder if step 5 is the problem". It's such a simple thing, such a simple concept yet other people don't seem to get it. Now that my new, rather competent, colleagues are exhibiting an identical problem solving approach to my old colleagues I can only assume that their way of thinking is just "normal".

So the sun does indeed shine on a dog's arse some days :)

Falling Down

2009-12-14T18:40:00.003Z

I went to my usual café at the weekend to get my usual breakfast, as I have done every weekend for a few months. Only this time the waitress didn't ask if I was having my "usual", instead she told me that they weren't doing breakfast at this time anymore. At this time? It was 2pm…who doesn't have breakfast at 2pm? With a glance over her shoulder she informed me they were trying to push the lunchtime specials now. I asked if I could have a breakfast anyway and she said she'd ask the chef. The chef said no.

I relented and went for the Sunday lunch instead. It was really nice if I'm honest, as all of their food is, and I guess I was glad I'd been forced to change from what I always have. But I'm like that…with no outside influence I'll just chart the same course until I fall off the end of the world…I need a kick up the backside to try something new.

My mum's Christmas card and "parcel" came at the weekend. It'll be the only Christmas card I get this year. When she phoned me up she talked as if I had opened them, so I interrupted and said that I hadn't opened them yet. "Are you waiting for Christmas day then?" "Yeah". The reality is that the parcel and card and both languishing in my flat somewhere and I haven't opened them as I don't want Christmas to spill out and invade my flat; my only sanctuary from the grotesque masquerade going on but a pane of glass away. If I thought my mum would never enquire further I'd probably deposit the whole lot at the nearest homeless shelter forthwith…banish this event from my life completely.

Still, not long yet.

Hello darkness my old friend

2009-12-11T01:27:00.001Z

"When you meet one person with Asperger's you've met one person with Asperger's" so the saying goes. We all suffer different symptoms to different degrees, but a symptom I never really identified with was one where people get single-mindedly focused on a task to the detriment of everything else. Mainly because at work I do often have to switch active tasks, and it's something I've been aware I'm not 100% happy with doing but like many things I just get on and do it.

Last night I had a few tasks that I needed to do, and I've also started on a new personal project. I started off doing a bit of my project until I was too hungry to concentrate much, so broke for diner, then got back to my project. I was always keen to do just a bit more, then just a bit more. I knew I had other tasks to do but wanted to keep doing just a bit more. By the time 2am came I had not done any of my other tasks. I still had to finish a document I was writing for work, finish an e-mail to someone, have a shower, prepare lunch for the next day and also iron a shirt. It was 2am! I had been on my project for 5 hours.

So the e-mail just had to wait, the document was half-arsed but I knew I could finish it when I got to work, and I had to soldier with the other tasks. I didn't get to bed until just past 3am and I still couldn't shake this project from my mind and what plans I had to enhance it, what the next stages should be etc. So my mind was racing and I just couldn't switch off or get to sleep.

Then it dawned on me that this situation wasn't unique, it wasn't the first time I've done this…start a project and got so engrossed in it I just can't pull myself away and can barely sleep for thinking about it. Then thinking about it all day at work, just waiting to get back home to repeat the cycle. Yet whenever I hear about people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) getting so focused and set on a single task that you can't break them free from I always thought "that's nothing like me." It's everything like me.

This is one of those times when knowing what is wrong with you really helps you understand yourself and your behaviours and recognise when your behaviour is the result of AS. If I didn't know I had AS I'd never stop to look at the trees instead of the wood.

Alcohol-free beer, decaf coffee and vegetarian burgers

2009-11-30T18:26:00.001Z

I ventured out to watch some bands at the weekend at the venue I usually go to. Since moving from the previous venue (that closed down) it's never been the same and the nights are usually dead. This weekend it was different. There were three bands on and the venue was jumping. It was full of people to the extent that I hadn't ever seen before. I guess live music is really coming back into fashion and people are getting out and supporting it.

On a completely unrelated note and nothing at all to do with audience numbers, this weekend instead of the usual DJ between bands they had burlesque dancers instead. The art of burlesque is having a resurgence of late, helped along by the usual media conspiracy. Those clever people on TV have once again worked out that if you want to popularise something you have to target women. But…how do you target women to like something that seems to be inherently male? Quite easy…you tell them to like it. You drag the issue out on Loose Women where you have performers explain that it is about empowering women, about women taking control of their sexuality. Then you bring out the big guns…"it's not women being exploited at all, if anything it is the women who are exploiting the men".

I've never really seen a burlesque show before so it was a first for me, and if you've never seen one I think the best way it could be described is; it's strippers who don't take off their clothes. Mmm. Quite. I actually found it quite mundane and rather tedious, not at all entertaining and not even erotic despite me being firmly heterosexual. Individually they were dull, but the fact that all that changed were the costumes - the routine and moves were all identical, just made it worse. The constant backdrop of the girls stood behind me hollering didn't help. Not only was the noise annoying, but I could practically see the strings attached to them as they urged the girl on stage to affirm her freedom, take control of her sexuality and exploit the men of the audience. Or something.

It's a symptom of our watered-down society, where something male-dominated is taken and weakened and women are told that it empowers them just so they'll buy into it. The result is something useless. It isn't pornographic enough to interest men, and it doesn't really interest women either, they just don't want to admit that the emperor has no clothes.

Unlike the woman on stage.

This rabid desire to equalise the sexes is just diluting everything. Making everything bland. Putting these issues aside, it was a bit of an insult to the bands also. When they were playing, people milled around the edges of the room, drinking beer and chatting with their friends. Then when the bands left the stage and the burlesque girls came on everyone rushed and pushed and cajoled to the front so that the men (who I assume have no internet access) can leer and the women can jeer, desperate to demonstrate their equality with men.

It just bored me. I was glad when the corsets finally came off as it meant the girls were leaving and the next band was starting.

Taking care of business

2009-11-29T13:28:00.003Z

One thing about having Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is that I suffer from really bad procrastination. I'm terrible at "doing" things, be it housework, dealing with bills, or doing things I've promised people I'd do. I don't know why, but to me doing nothing just seems to be a better use of my time. I think it might be because people with AS don't seem to get the pleasure from things that other people do, so find it harder to get motivated to do them. I also never really seem to get the point of doing a lot of things. Why should I be doing this? Why can't I wear the same clothes all week? Why do I need to shower every day? Why can't I leave the dishes in the sink until I need them again? Why do I have to introduce myself to people? Why do I need to change my bedsheets? Why do I have to ask people how they are? Then there are other barriers to "doing things"…do I need to interact with other people? I hate dealing with people over the phone, in fact I hate the phone in general. I have a landline for internet use but I don't actually have a physical phone. I have a mobile but what I love about that is that I can turn it off when I don't feel like communicating.

These issues bring me onto a few lingering jobs that I haven't got around to sorting after about 2 or so years. I had a few services at my last house but one. In other words not where I used to live before I lived here but the place before that. And I never really got around to cancelling them, but I've still been paying for them. I know it probably sounds strange to you, but I'd rather bury my head in the sand than actually "deal" with things, even if it is costing me money. Especially if it means having to use the phone.

While I consider myself to be quite high functioning, it does show me how hard it would be for people with more extreme AS than I have to live alone. To be honest, if it wasn't for direct debits I'd have a much harder time living alone and I'd probably be sat here in the dark with no heating, thinking that one day I guess I should get around to opening those letters. Not only does it remind he how hard it must be for some people with AS to live alone, but also how frustrating and annoying we must all be to share a house with as partners.

Anyway, these un-cancelled services have been on my mind more and more these months and I finally said to myself that I was going to sort it once and for all. I also find I get like that with most things…the motivation to do them builds over time rather than me seeing that something needs to be done so getting on and doing it.

So in the morning I did my usual routine of turning on the TV to watch Mythbusters, fired up the laptop to deal with my e-mail, and I also hunted down some phone numbers and dug out my old address in case I needed it. So I phoned up the one I thought would be easier to deal with as I had the number for the actual branch I needed to deal with. I was on hold for ages which never helps, but I finally got through, chose to leave out some details such as the two year gap in the middle, and luckily their computer systems were good enough that everything went smoothly; they knew who I was, what service I had and they were able to cancel it with no fuss and said they'd even terminate the direct debit their end too (which was good, but I'll still have to check that myself in a few weeks).

So that was a big relief. So big that I was on too much of a high to want to deal with the other service :) I know I promised I'd deal with both, but this is better than nothing and I'll get the other one sorted next weekend…you have to walk before you can run after all. I did make up for it though by also booking a physio/sports injury appointment for next week to get a niggling injury I've had for years finally looked at. So I ended up sorting two things that were years over due, just not the two I had planned on. Roll on next week and I'll get right back on the horse.

Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same

2009-11-28T02:41:00.001Z

I live in a town big enough to have a lot of bars and clubs, but not big enough to have bars and clubs that cater to any niche groups. There was one that suited me but it closed down. Now the bars and clubs are only for the middle of the road people. They all play the same dance music and admit all the same people all dressed the same.

They come and go, these pubs. Some are really busy and are seen as "hot" nightspots, but some are dead. When the old pubs die they don't die a Christian death…they are reincarnated instead. They shut down and open up two weeks later but with a new lick of paint, some new furniture and a new trendy name. They're still the same pub though…same location, same drinks, same music…the only difference is that now they are full to bursting with people. So full that the queue just to get in passes three pubs in itself. In a few months the novelty has gone, the queues have gone and the pub goes through its next reincarnation.

It seems that while us with Asperger's Syndrome like things to be the same…NT's like things just because they have changed.

Everything is dying

2009-11-20T23:02:00.001Z

I've given up drinking for now so my weekends are dying. The year is being suffocated by the fallen leaves. As the end approaches, day by day, "Christmas time" becomes more pervasive. Unavoidable. Peace and quiet dies a little each day, your right to not be a part of society dies a little each day. Everywhere you go Christmas songs and "cheer" surround you, tug at you. Invade you.

Just die already. Die and be born again.

Oh, oobee doo, I wanna be like you

2009-11-15T20:19:00.000Z

There is a current fashion and I'm not sure if it is the same across the UK or just localised where I am; but lots of females are wearing these leggings that look like a faux denim. What I don't understand is how these fashions grow and how organic a process it is. It could be that women all subscribe to the same magazine and one edition they told everyone to buy these leggings. It could be that most women all enjoy shopping in the same store and they buy whatever the "latest line" is. Or it could be that a few women wear them and other women look at these women and think "they look good, I'll get some" or maybe "lots of women are wearing these so I want to wear them also".

Whatever the reasons, whatever the origins, at some point these women are making a conscious decision to look the same as everyone else. It's one of those NT traits that I just don't get, I don't understand the thought process that makes people aspire to mediocrity.

It's not just these leggings, of course, it is most months (especially the Summer ones) in every year that eventually women largely walk around wearing the same thing. As always it was Oscar Wilde who coined it best; "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

Losing the plot

2009-11-13T23:38:00.001Z

I'm a big fan of movies and I tend to enjoy all sorts…or most sorts. Even if a movie isn't that great I always like to think I at least got something out of it. I'm also a collector of movies and I like to see my collection grow. There is one thing I sometimes have problems with, and I'm beginning to wonder of it's something relating to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS).

With some movies I tend to have problems following character-related plot elements. Not always, but there are just some movie plots that revolve around a lot of characters and their interactions and relationships with each other. Invariably these change at some pivotal point in the movie and it is then that I tend to lose track of what is happening. When the defining moments come I often can't remember that particular character's past story and motivations, and their relationships to the other characters. I can tell something meaningful is happening but as I don't remember the "old" I can't compare it to the "new" so the point of the change passes over me. Often I don't even recognise people as being the same character when their role changes - I don't connect that this is the same person who has just changed and not a new actor in the movie It's especially bad in foreign language movies that are subtitled, and for some reason movies that involve the same actor playing multiple characters.

A possible reason for this is that my AS is stopping me fully connecting with, or relating with people. Stopping me engaging with their motives, desires and feelings. Maybe I'm failing to record in my mind their past deeds as it's not something I'm used to doing, so when the plot twist forces me to recall their emotional journey I just draw a blank? The dual-character issue could just be a doubling up of my problems as to me they are the same person. Maybe it's too much of a stretch to remember two sets of past motives for what is the same person given I have problems remembering just one. With subtitled movies I find it very had to relate the voice to the character and it's almost like everything is just swimming around in one big soup. All mixed together as any character could be relaying what is being related along the bottom of the screen.

Of course it could also just be that I'm not intelligent enough to be watching anything that isn't laden with special effects.

Transmogrification

2009-11-07T18:13:00.004Z

It's dawning on me that my concept of friendship isn't quite what I thought it was. I think I've been under the influence of friendship-by-proximity. I've changed jobs a few times and I know the drill…everyone says they want to keep in touch but you all drift apart anyway. Lots of people I know are still friends with people from old jobs so I know it's just me…or more accurately people with Asperger's Syndrome.

I've always liked the people I worked with in my previous job and liked spending time with them. Or so I thought. Now that I've changed jobs and don't have to spend time with them and will only have to go to things I'm invited to…I have a strange feeling coming over me. Almost like a weight off my shoulder. Not a big weight, not a boulder…more like a few handfuls of sand. I'm subconsciously coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever see any of them ever again and it's actually a strange relief of sorts.

So does part of my brain force me to believe I am friends with these people because I have to be? Because I work with them? Or do I do my best to be friends but I don't recognise the mental effort it takes, so now I don't have to be friends with them I can avoid having to make that effort? Sure I lose the friends, but my life is easier.

The other aspect to this is one of paranoia I guess. Not being able to read people's motives or genuine feelings very well I don't know if they also are only friends-by-proximity too. Do they only pretend to be friends with me because they have to? Because they work with me? I don't know to be honest, and I'm not sure I want to contact these people to say "hey you want to go for a drink tonight?" only to be met with ums and ahs and excuses.

I just feel like as the days drift on I'm getting more and more used to the fact that that part of my life is now over and I'll probably never return to it. And not only that, but for the rest of my life I might never really find a genuine, stay-with-me friend. For many reasons - not just because I find it hard to know what is involved in maintaining a friendship, but now I also realise I have a fear of committing myself to something that is not reciprocated. A fear that as I don't know who is a genuine friend I could end up feeling humiliated.

Coming into the 21st Century

2009-10-30T18:23:00.001Z

XBOX 360 + HD TV = OH MY GOD!!!

Been a while

2009-10-29T23:25:00.001Z

I haven't blogged recently and I admit that starting this new job has pretty much dominated my life for the last month with no room for anything else. Every day seems to throw up so many new challenges and situations. I am living in a constant state of wishing my comfort zone was at least in the same galaxy.

I'm doing "ok" but I don't think they've quite seem all of what I can offer. My major skills are in practical programming, but it seems a lot of my time is being spent on the areas of development I'm not as good at, or at least haven't had as much formal experience in, such as formal planning/time scales etc. I think with a lot of these things I'm just wary of their expectations of me. I'm not being asked to do anything I haven't done in my previous job…it's just that I still feel like an outsider, and that people are second-guessing everything I do. In my old job I had risen to the top naturally and I *felt* like top dog. Here I just feel like a cuckoo. Waiting to be found out.

Their systems are also much, much more complicated and bigger than what I've been doing in my old job which adds to my worry. I've been there a month and almost every day I'm asked to look into something big and new without quite getting to grips with what I was just looking at. And I'm being asked to come up with project ideas and solutions based on projects I still don't fully understand and that makes me nervous as I know I can easily make bad decisions as I don't know all the facts yet.

I know it sounds like I'm doubting myself but in a way the opposite is true. I know that given time I'll really settle in and hit top gear. I know this as I've worked in a big company before. I'm just worried that maybe I'm expected to get an understanding of things quicker than is reasonable to expect…though maybe that's partially down to my early performances, maybe they're expecting more from me as I've exceeded previous expectations?

I dunno. I just know that right here, right now I'm not in a particularly comfortable place, but hoping to grow into it. I know I will…I know my abilities, I'm just being impatient. I want it all and I want it now. I'd been invaluable to my last company after three years and I want to be invaluable now after just three weeks.

You win some, you lose some

2009-10-19T17:46:00.001+01:00

I went to the new place I've been going to for the last month for my weekend breakfast, only this time they asked me if I wanted my "usual". It's a transition I go through at all places of business. Eventually they get used to me ordering the same thing all the time and after frequenting a particular business it always gets to the stage where I barely need to communicate at all…just "nod" at the "usual?"

So that was good news. I also got a hair cut as I haven't had one for a few months. I hate going to the barber in the warmer months as I react badly to the heat. I can feel ok once I get there, but any time I go inside a premises it takes me a while for my body to re-adjust to the temperate and this results in me sweating like a pig. Not nice when someone is trying to cut your hair. The summer months are fading fast, though, and the temperate is dropping so I am sweating less when I go inside.

Alas the barber shop has employed a new person and, lucky me, I got them. Now all the other barbers know I'm a "no conversation" customer but this new one didn't. Cue a very uncomfortable haircut while they fired question after question at me, all batted away with one-word answers until they realised that I'm not much of a conversationalist and gave up. Still…given time they'll get there in the end.

Karma realignment

2009-10-10T21:42:00.001+01:00

I started this Saturday the same way I do every Saturday…buying a paper at the local shop to read when I'm having my breakfast. The paper was 60p and I gave the teller £1 and he gave me 60p change. I noticed the error before leaving the shop and went back to tell him he had given me 20p too much and he corrected the change. But then that's us I guess…moral to a fault.

First day of school

2009-10-09T21:31:00.002+01:00

I started my new job yesterday and today (Friday) was the end of my first week…so to speak. The day before I started I was just pacing up and down the house, not knowing what to do with myself. How to kill the time.

So the job is going ok so far, but they're obviously not expecting me to be running the whole company for them yet, I'm just on light duties at the moment but that's par for the course in this industry. Helping resolve minor problems in existing systems is the best way of learning your way around how things work and how they're put together. I'm quite sure I've surprised them with how quickly I've picked things up…but I'm like that; I just look at code and I understand it, it's how my brain works. I've already played a good part of getting something finished on time which isn't bad going seeing as this is a massive computer application that I spent the morning of my first day looking at and was fixing issues with from lunch-time onward. I just hope I can rise to the real challenge which is when they start to expect more of a leadership role from me.

The people I work with are nice, quite agreeable and easy to get along with. They're quite juvenile but that's fine with me as I'm hardly Mr Mature myself so I quite like the low level of the banter and humour in the office. I far prefer it to people who are more serious and grown-up.

Alas they're also really, really social. It's a big company and the whole company seems social but our little group in our little office are very social among each other too. Naturally they expect me to just slip into this fast-lane of uber mixing but it's all too soon for me. It's too soon with these people I've just met, and socialising the way they want to in noisy clubs is just too much for me period. But what can you do? You can go along and hope to cope, or politely decline and look like the office outsider. I liked going out with my old workmates but I had time to get to know them all. With my new colleagues it's like I've been pushed into a busy road.

As well as the weekend activities I have avoided, there is an unofficial "networking" event happening at a local pub next Wednesday that apparently lots of local companies in our industry go to. They were telling me about it with glee at lunch, how great it is and what a laugh it is…drinking and meeting lots of new people. Great for you maybe…hell for me. Again I can either not go and have it look like I'm not a team-player, not fitting in, not mixing, not caring about my career…or I can go and look like a deer caught in headlights and be all awkward and drop the ball whenever someone tries to talk to me. I mean…I can't "network", and I don't want to either. There is also the risk I'll want to stick with my own colleagues and end up looking like a lost puppy following them around. On top of all of that Wednesday is a gym night. I'll either have to just get out of it, or go but say I can't stay long.

Being suddenly dropped in this world of hyper-sociality has made me feel quite disorientated and inadequate. It reminds me how different everyone else is, how much social interaction really drives their whole lives. How much joy interacting with people brings them.

Normally with smaller firms this stuff isn't an issue, but with these big firms how you "fit in" is a big thing for them, as important as your actual work. This is where them knowing I have Asperger's Syndrome would probably help as it might give me some leeway and let them know I can't help drowning in their lifestyle. I mean I know I get better given time…I just need that time to slowly adjust and integrate, and to get to know people. I can't just instantly morph into a social animal.

Which leads me onto the next thing. My line manager's wife is a teacher at an autistic school. Great. When he brought it up someone in the office said that the kids would be great to take to a casino (in reference to "Rain Man") and he corrected them on the difference between autism and being a savant. So he obviously knows a little about it all and there may be trouble ahead there. Though on the other side, if it comes down to it and my lack of "fitting in" is causing me problems I guess I'll have an ally there if I do decide to tell them. Though I can't see it getting that far. I've long suspected through my whole career that my technical abilities have helped negate the downsides of my personality and helped carry me when normally I'd have been dropped.

Interesting times ahead so batten down the hatches.

I kissed a girl and I liked it

2009-10-06T19:22:00.000+01:00

There has been a status quo in the media for quite some time where women are grouped into a neat little stereotype; they like fashion, make-up, shoes, gossip and twee career and relationship advice. So the "woman's magazine" was born. The limited interests of every woman were crammed into a single magazine for them to digest. The idea that massive groups of people can be pigeon-holed is quite crass and patronising. Usually the media loves nothing more than to tell women they should be fighting for this and fighting for that…but they're quite quiet when it comes to the fact that women are being simplified and dumbed down. I wonder why….of yes, because the media are making money from this by the women buying the magazines they sell so they won't bite the hand that feeds them. On a similar note pick up your average women's magazine and count how many articles and editorials urge women to be themselves and love themselves for who they are. Now go to the back and count the adverts for cosmetic surgery clinics. If the media was really as passionate about educating women to love themselves as they appear to be, they'd put their money where their mouth is and refuse to accept advertising revenue from people saying how you're not a proper woman without a boob job.

I was always somewhat proud that there was no equivalent for the male population. I saw it as proof that males were more diverse and had a range of interests too broad to be contained in a single "man's magazine" (well, one that can be placed lower than the top shelf anyway). Maybe one day I'll learn to stop underestimating the media and their desire to make money. In the last few years it seems that men are also being pigeon-holed in their interests and reduced to a lowest common denominator and given a whole range of "men's magazines".

Obviously I don't buy these magazines as I'm not your average male, however knowing that I'd be spending a lot of time hanging around in hotel rooms I bought some of these "lad's mags" (as they've been coined) as a solution to boredom that was "better than nothing".

First up was "Nuts" which I guess is your "downmarket" entry to the genre. What The Sun is to The Times. In broad strokes this magazine seems to be a re-balanced version of Playboy where the girls are dressed in nothing but articles. Only with Nuts the girls show less meat and the articles contain more meat. While Playboy works as men like naked women, Nuts just doesn't. The girls fall too short of pornography to be of any real interest, and the articles are the shallowest form of awful journalism.

For the articles we have a feature on cars which is just page after page of pictures of expensive cars taken at the same car show with a little box saying what size the engine is, how fast it is and the cost. Wow. Fascinating…but you know us men, we just love cars! There is a feature on a video game that, again, is mostly pictures with very little text that really tells you nothing about the game. Following the trend we have a section on gadgets that contains too little information about any of the featured gadgets to help you decide if you want to buy them. There is a load of stuff about football I didn't read. There was something about footballer's cars that I didn't read. Mopping up the remains were some vaguely interesting interviews with "people on TV" and pages where people send in pictures of themselves standing next to suggestive town name signs - nothing you haven't seen a lot better of on the internet. For free.

In terms of what Nuts offers for titillation there is a comparison of three girl's calendars. You know those calendars you see on the wall when taking your car in for its MOT, or in the bedrooms of 12 year old boys. The article is again mainly pictures with a breakdown of how many of the calendar's months pages are nude or semi nude. Seriously, it was just pathetic. Most of Nuts seemed to focus on "real girls" and I'm sure the intention is to make the reader think they could actually meet girls like this on a night out. They are supplying some kind of vicarious rendezvous. In this vein we had pictures of one such "real girl" stripping to her underwear and in the accompanying interview she gave saucy sound-bites that suggested she was fun and vivacious but short of being a slut. The interview answers were so well sculpted to the target audience I find it hard to believe the words were really hers. They probably said "we'll fill in the interview back at the office, but don't worry, you won't come across like a slut. Now take your clothes off…." Her interview talked of her flashing her boobs and liking women's bodies but nothing worse than that.

One of the main features was about a girl called Vikki Blows. I've done some subsequent research and can't actually find out anything about why she is of interest. I think taking her clothes off in "lad's mags" is what she does. The accompanying interview follows the usual trend of making her seem accessible, down to earth, one of the guys, but not a slut. She also reveals that she has flashed her boobs. The other main feature is on Gemma Atkinson (she used to be on a soap opera called Hollyoaks) who is a favourite in these magazines, though doesn't do any topless shots so it's a testament to her that she still has these magazines interested in her. Not having anything interesting to say the accompanying interview is quite a bit duller than the others and as her trademark is her not doing anything rude they fail to ask any questions that could have "I flashed my boobs" as the answer, though she does have to mention that she finds women attractive.

Returning to the watered-down porn roots there is a "Reader's Wives" section (only renamed "Bedroom Babes" but let's call a spade a spade). Girls send in their pictures and the winner gets to have a proper photo-shoot. Again it is "girl next door" types and the winner tells us all that she loves the pub and curry, and finds women sexy. The entrants for next edition's winner are probably one of the more depressing aspects of the magazine. Plain girls with awful make-up, awful dyed hair, awful fake tans who spent the 30 seconds they had between sticking their fingers down their throats to pose for a skanky picture. Yuk. The sound-bites that accompany the pictures are all of a stock nature revealing them to be accessible girls who just like the pub and a good time.

The next "real girl" who has a whole feature is also "fun loving", loves her boobs, loves bouncing and has a dancing pole in her bedroom. God when does this end?

Getting up to full-speed watered-down porn the next section is where girls write in with their "sexy stories" about when the builder came around. Being watered-down porn it lacks any of the explicit nature that you'd see in a "proper" porn mag, but the rough idea is there. It's brief though as we're back to Reader's Wives and the final girl finds women attractive (no, really?) and the song that best describes her is "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry. She even names the fore-mentioned Vikki Blows as someone she would like to meet. I'm sure Ghandi is second on her list.

I could sum this magazine up in a single word…pointless. The articles carry no journalistic merit at all; if you want to know about cars get a car mag, for games get a games mag. As for the girls, if you want to see naked girls buy a porn mag. The consistent way that the girls are presented leads me to believe it can't possibly be pure coincidence. All of the girls had a similar look, similar "I just like the pub and a movie" attitude, similar "I think girls bodies are sexy" titillation and similar "I once flashed my boobs…he he…" levels of promiscuity. The magazine is going out of its way to portray these women as being sexy but still obtainable, they are selling you this vicarious chatting-up experience. Maybe the most worrying thing is that women are still being shown with "I'd shag them but I wouldn't want to go out with them" misogyny.

Next up was "Loaded" which is one of the broadsheets of the "lad's mags". I won't go into this in any detail, but it's a lot thicker than Nuts and there are more articles and some of them were genuinely interesting and carried a bit of depth. When they reviewed video games again they at least tried to transmit something about the game, but I fear I could never take their advice seriously. A game they raved about ("Wet") has had a mediocre reception in proper games mags, but could their rave reviews be because the game has a busty female lead and not because it's a good game?

As for the girls, well Loaded had…Gemma Atkinson (again) and Gemma Atkinson's calendar. They didn't stop there, though, they also had the Hollyoaks calendar and small interviews with each Hollyoaks girl. The interviews followed the standard, mundane formula that amounted to nothing more than text on a page where you learned nothing from someone with nothing to say. One question many were asked was "Katy Perry once sang that she kissed a girl and liked it. Have you ever kissed a girl?"

They shied away from Reader's Wives but did spot-interview girls on the street about their "Sex CV" (they were allowed to keep their clothes on for the photograph) and again were asked if they had ever "had girl-on-girl action".

One of the articles/titillation pieces was about a book that is just pictures of girl's kissing. The title of the article was, unashamedly, "She Kissed a Girl and She Liked It".

So to sum up Loaded it was a bit more "grown up" than Nuts and had better articles, but it still had the same consistent fascination with girls liking other girls however Loaded's constant use of the "I kissed a girl and I liked it" motif was almost absurd in its excess. Do these magazines not have editors that read the mag and think they've maybe over-used the phrase?

Both magazines were similar in a lot of ways; mainly around how they manipulated women to match the perception they have manipulated their readership into desiring. I certainly won't patronise either magazine and I think that only a very shallow man too afraid to buy proper pornography would find these magazines of any interest. I also hope that any man that does read these magazines appreciates the manipulation that is going on and doesn't buy into it. I won't hold my breath though. Now pass me that "MAD Magazine"…

Home

2009-10-04T23:33:00.000+01:00

Driving down my street, parking in my drive and going inside my flat all seemed quite surreal. I could hardly believe it was all happening. I took my bags in, hooked up my laptop then went for a walk around town. Bought some DVDs, had some of my favourite take-away, went to my music club. Wrapped myself up in as much familiarity as possible.

So what have I learned? Well I know that I hate holidays, I hate the break in routine but I knew that anyway. I learned that just because I push myself far outside of my comfort zone doesn't mean that I wont end up enjoying myself. I learned some other, non-AS related things, but I'm keeping those private :)

Most of all, I'm just glad to be back home.

Just a soldier on a road to nowhere

2009-10-02T15:15:00.000+01:00

It's the final day of my "holiday" and I spent some time visiting my home town. I hated it though. It's just a ghost town to me. I recognise the streets but it's full of old ghosts and bad memories. I don't think I'll ever go back to that town as long as I live. I only spent about an hour driving around and then I came back to the hotel.

It's 3pm so I have a lot of time to kill until I leave for home tomorrow. Hotel check out is 11 am and I'll probably be at my next hotel around 4pm maybe. Kill some time until the next day when I finally drive back home. I wish I hadn't arranged this day though. I wish I was driving home right now. I hate holidays, I hate the change, I hate the constant sense of anxiety. I need my usual things around me, my usual places. I can't wait to get back, to sit in my house, on my sofa, watching my TV. Then I'll get a paper from my local shop, I'll go to my local for a drink then my café for my breakfast. I miss my gym, my xbox, my dvd player. I hate this loneliness. I miss my loneliness.

Arrived

2009-09-28T15:52:00.001+01:00

I have finally arrived and I'm at my parent's house. Now the real exercise in killing time begins. I've been here less than an hour and I hate it already. The complete silence. My parents just sat around reading newspapers. I hope that if I get to that age I don't choose to fill my days with absolutely nothing at all.

Getting there

2009-09-27T15:48:00.000+01:00

Last night I hit the town to try and find some nice bars. First bar I stumbled across looked up my alley…small, dark and dingy. It was only when I went in that I realised it was some kind of "Rasta" bar. It was playing reggae music, the bar staff and two customers were all of the African persuasion too. So I stayed for a single beer, pretty much counting down the time, though it did make me laugh when Customer #3 walked into be greeted my hand-signals and patois from the bar staff. They asked what he wanted and he said he'd like to start the night with a shot. "Shots for everyone?" the barman replied…a few moments later his hand rested just past my shoulder and made a sweep of the bar that included all but me and added "Well…shots for these people."

I wandered to find a bar that caught my eye while walking around earlier but it was closed. I found another nice quiet bar up a back-street that seemed my scene so I went in for a beer. What struck me was that for a Saturday evening the whole town was dead. I can only imagine that maybe people don't come out til later, or that there is a street or region unknown to me that is jumping with trendy bars. Where I live every pub is packed on weekend evenings. Anyway…I sat at the bar on the nice comfy stool and supped my beer and people kinda came and went, but it was quiet overall. It only dawned on me about three quarters of the way through my drink that this particular bar was a gay bar LOL. Again this wouldn't happen where I live as all gay bars have this unofficial system of identifying themselves as gay bars so that people know. Not that it bothers me, of course, I don't care if people are gay and I have to admit it's the first time I've been in a gay bar. It might have been more interesting if it was busier I guess. What overcame me the most was the "Homer Simpson" element of it and I had to chuckle to myself at the Simpsons episode where he is looking for a new bar to hang out in and comes across a gay bar.

In the daylight I returned to the scene of the crime and the pub's logo outside was bright pink and in the window a sticker proclaiming that the "FitBoys" magazine was available to buy on the premises!

After checking out of my hotel I went to visit fellow Asperger's Syndrome (AS) blogger Matt. I left too much time getting there as I didn't know how long it would take, so I was at the pub about 5 minutes early. I had a hunch that Matt would walk in bang on the time we had agreed to meet, and this he did indeed :) One thing about people with AS is that they're sticklers for being exactly on time. I spent about two hours with Matt and it was good to talk with a fellow AS sufferer who was roughly my age and we traded notes and stories and never once mentioned the weather. I would dearly have liked to stay longer but alas I had to start the next leg of my journey. I am currently in the next hotel of my trip (again I will post this when I next get internet access) after a fairly uneventful journey here, but a hellish time finding this hotel as it was night and down dark country roads. I really had no idea where I was so had to get directions. I'm here now, and will just stay in the hotel's bar, however I see they want me out by 10am which will be a job! I'll have to make sure I'm up in time and showering might have to wait until I am finally at my parent's. At least hitting the road sooner will get me to where I'm going sooner, though I suspect I'll use some of the extra time to just stop off more often.

I did stop on the way here for something to eat and the service station only had a Wimpy so I was not familiar with the menu, however mustering my life skills I still managed to order in a time quick enough to ensure those waiting behind me were not contemplating murder/suicide. "Do you want to go large on that?" the till assistant asked me to which I replied "yes" however I got regular size anyway. At least it was the food that I asked for this time, but so far service station fast food joints are 0 for 2.

The CD I had on was one I hadn't listened to in a long, long time and it turned out to be not so great a choice as it brought back a lot of memories of back home and people and things I was going through when this music was a part of my life. It's funny how songs get permanently linked to what was happening in your life when you first hear them.

Leaving

2009-09-26T15:46:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was my last day of work after three years. It's an awkward time as I hate being the centre of attention but you have to go through the card ceremony and people want to go for a drink after work, and insist you keep in touch and blah blah. I live my life so disconnected from other people it's strange when you come to realise that it isn't reciprocal and that other people seem to have a genuine like for you or desire for you to be involved in their life in some way. I doubt I will stay in touch though. I'd like to stay in touch with some of them, but I know what it’s like. I've been here before. I just don't know the rules to the "stay in touch" game and I can never maintain friends when I leave a workplace. Besides, I'll have a new job in a new company with new pretend friends.

My boss game me an exit interview too which I used to really lay into some people that I work with. People who want to be my friend and want me to keep in touch. I'm sure part of my ability to shake someone's hand then stab them in the back is related to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Not that I'm nasty, or bitchy or anything, but I felt the boss had a right to know the good points as well as the flaws in some of his staff. Again as I am disconnected from people I can be quite cold and serious when I need to. If the boss needs to know things about people, I'll let him know. To me it is just being professional, but to others it is probably being a traitor.

Anyway, that was yesterday. Today I have taken the first step in my week-long journey into the past. Back to my place of birth, back to my parents. I'm even meeting an old friend (the girl who contacted me a while back) which is especially unusual as I've lost contact with everyone, and to be honest I have no real desire to re-establish contact with them.

I'm currently in a hotel writing this (I'll post it when I next get internet access). Hotels are great. They're all clean and everything is nice, and you don't have to worry about making a mess. I always feel bad when I visit other people's houses and see how clean people are…hotel clean. Where I live in comparable squalor. I'd love to be hotel clean too. I'd love to not worry about people coming over, but I've tried to be clean and I always slowly slip into my old ways. The view from the hotel is great too. I'm on the fifth floor in an anonymous window, looking out over the whole city.

On the drive up I had a typically British experience when I stopped at some services for something to eat. I went to Burger King and there was only one person on the till. The guy in front was seemingly attempting to set the world record for the longest time taken to order food. It's Burger King…surely you knew the menu already? So I have to wait while he ums and ahs, and he had a child with him who was probably 5 or 6 (I'm terrible at telling ages) who seemed to lose the power of speech when asked what he wanted. Instead he'd point at the menu while the dad played an irritating game of "The burger? The burger? Is it the burger you want? The burger? Yeah? The burger?" The child would move his finger slightly "The chicken bits? You want the chicken bits? Yeah? The chicken? You want the chicken?".

Eventually it was my turn to order, a feat I was proud to complete in mere seconds. "Large Whopper Meal please". What's so f**king hard about that! Eh! However as is typical in this country, the person serving was foreign and didn't understand me. *sigh* So I repeat. She can barely speak English herself. After finally getting what I want she asked if I wanted it "large". *sigh* When she told me the cost I realised she'd charged me wrong so probably got my order wrong *sigh* When she put the drinks out they were not large *sigh*. Luckily someone came to help her and spotted that the drinks she'd put out for the two waiting orders (one mine) were wrong as both were supposed to be large. So he managed to fix that, correcting my wrong order. Had he not have been there she would have not only got the order wrong but given me the wrong size too. What a completely useless human being. When my order was ready it indeed was not what I ordered but I was too tired to say anything, I just took it. I guess we get the service in this country that we deserve. I suppose I should have told her she took my order wrong, and also reminded her that she didn't originally "large" it either.

Anyway. I've had a look at the hotel's restaurant to see what they have and the only two things I'd eat (the chicken or the steak) both come with a cheese sauce. What's with that? I checked their bar out too but it was quite small and intimate and really busy. So I'll probably take a wander into town and get something to eat there, maybe find a pub too before coming back here to sample the hotel bar with Dutch courage.

Travelling is just a game of killing time. Only there is no satellite TV, no XBOX, no DVD, no internet. Just me and 5 TV channels. It's 8pm here and now I just need to kill some time until I can go to bed and tomorrow will be another day. Another journey. Another wrong BK order.

What I did during the war

2009-09-20T14:15:00.001+01:00

My parents sent me a copy of my full birth certificate, and with it they sent me my old school reports. I don't remember too much from my early school days so it's an interesting glimpse into the past and how I was as a child. Obviously I was interested to see if it gave any signs of Asperger's Syndrome.

Year 1 - 5 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory

Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent
Writing: Has difficulty (note: with care and effort written work should improve)

General note: AS4L is rather immature, but he can cope with the work of the class

Year 2 - 6 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Satisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written English would improve if he put more care and effort into it)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory

Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent

General note: AS4L's work should improve with maturity

Year 3 - 7 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: AS4L finds it hard to concentrate)
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: AS4L's written work is both careless and badly presented)
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Numbers: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory

Ability to express ideas;
Drawing: Competent
Movement: Competent
Speech: Competent

General note: Progress is satisfactory

Year 6 - 10 years old

Listening: Easily distracted. Effort: Unsatisfactory
Spoken English: Satisfactory. Effort: Satisfactory
Reading: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Written English: Competent. Effort: Unsatisfactory
(note: Presentation very poor due to lack of effort)

Mathematical skills;
Practical problems: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
Computation: Competent. Effort: Satisfactory
(note: Presentation again poor)

Centres of interest;

Social Studies: Interested
Science: Interested

Interests and aptitudes;
Creative arts: Interested
Dramatic activities: Interested
Recreative reading: Interested
Creative writing: Interested
Musical activities: Interested
Physical education: Interested

So I was pretty average across the board. Not excelling or showing promise at anything, immature with poor written work and easily distracted.

What's in a name?

2009-09-18T00:43:00.000+01:00

Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is a…well…a syndrome. But have you ever thought what a syndrome actually is and what qualifies something as being a syndrome?

A syndrome is something that is indicated by a group of symptoms for which the actual cause is not known. So imagine we didn't know about the influenza virus, but people would be seen to suffer the symptoms of fever, sore throat and muscle pains at the same time; we can class these as a group of symptoms. If the root cause of what causes this group of symptoms wasn't known (ie the influenza virus) then we'd class this phenomenon as a "syndrome" as we recognise that the group of symptoms must mean something is wrong, but we don't know what that "something" is.

We do know about the influenza virus, though, so flu is not a syndrome at all but a disease. However look at AIDS. AIDS is "Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome"…yep, a syndrome. When AIDS first came out we recognised the symptoms (a greatly reduced immune system giving rise to numerous conditions rarely seen in healthy people) but no-one knew the actual cause so it was classed as a syndrome. After much research the cause of AIDS was found…the HIV virus. So AIDS is no-longer officially a syndrome. This leads us nicely to another point…when a syndrome's name is very well known and wide-spread and the cause is eventually found we tend to just leave the name as it is even if it is no longer a syndrome.

Getting back to Asperger's Syndrome, if someone has the symptoms of impaired social interaction, impairment of non-verbal behaviour, failure to develop appropriate peer relationships, lack of desire to share enjoyment and lack of emotional reciprocity we recognise that group of symptoms as meaning that person has Asperger's Syndrome; however we don't know the actual cause of the impairments - remember that no-one knows the cause of autism yet. When the cause of AS is finally discovered we can be quite sure the name won't change though, it will always be called Asperger's Syndrome even if one day it ceases to be one.

Planes, trains and automobiles

2009-09-14T01:12:00.001+01:00

Well the garage couldn't find anything wrong with my car so I'm just going to have to "wait and see" if it goes wrong again. *sigh* Not really want I wanted to hear but such is my life.

While the car was in the garage I was relegated to using the bus to get around. Luckily there was a bus shelter right outside the garage. Unluckily it stank of urine. Luckily it wasn't raining so I was able to comfortably stand outside and upwind. The bus came after 10 minutes of waiting and getting on was going from the frying pan into the fire as the bus stank of cigarettes. I can only imagine a million tarred exhales from 40-a-day hoi polloi all boxed in with nowhere to go.

I know that when driving a car you are at a greater risk of being involved in a traffic accident…however you have to balance that against the fact that when you ride the bus you're at a greater risk of being stabbed to death by a nutter. You see, normal people don't use the bus. Every person getting onto the bus is dishevelled, jumpy, smelly, talkative, you name it. I know enough about busses that to avoid the nutters sitting next to you, you sit on the aisle seat, but that's a bit selfish as you're blocking an empty window seat. Luckily the busses I was on have a few single-seats at the front of the bus to make the entrance a bit wider for people with prams etc. So I would occupy these front seats for guilt-free, nutter-free transportation.

As dead as dead can be

2009-09-07T21:02:00.000+01:00

This morning my car was an ex-car. Not even the central-locking worked. Great.

So I took the bus to work and called the breakdown people when I got home. They fired it up and everything is fine, but after running some tests on various things there is something drawing a charge from the battery when it's left off which is why it went flat. Admittedly I hadn't driven it since coming back from work on Friday so I'm not quite sure how long it took to go flat. So the only thing I can do is to start it up each day to hopefully stop it from not starting and get it looked at. I'll phone the garage tomorrow morning when they open and hopefully they can see it quick, or at least take it off my hands and it can sit with them until they look at it as I can do without the paranoia that it'll go flat again on my driveway.

This is just what I need a few weeks before I'm supposed to be driving it back home to see my folks. Needless to say my anxiety levels are through the roof. Work's not helping either by expecting me to work still when I have almost no motivation. And I'm worried about starting my new job. I really don't need this on my plate right now. Add to the fact that it's still a total unknown as to what the problem actually is and it could take minutes or hours to diagnose. It's 9pm and I haven't eaten a single thing all day and I don't even feel hungry. I did nothing at work, I just can't get this car thing off my mind.

So best case scenario is that I call them tomorrow, they say to bring it in, they look at it for a while and fix it. Worst case is that it's dead again tomorrow or they can't see it tomorrow and it dies before they can and I have to get the breakdown people out again. I hate having to "do" things, I hate having to phone people and organise and arrange things. In a way it brings me back to my diagnosis when the psych talked me through a few periods in my life (to address the "people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) don't like change" issue) and commented that I've gone through some big changes in my life such as changing jobs, moving around the country. My answer to that was "Well…sometimes you just have to." Does having AS mean I have to stay with my parents and never get a job? This is one of those times…I hate having to deal with these things, it makes me anxious as hell, but sometimes you just have to do it. Like those job forms that took me about two weeks to get through…sometimes you just have to get down to it.

Anyway. I'm self-medicating tonight and I'll see what tomorrow brings.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

2009-09-01T14:45:00.001+01:00

When I was going through school one thing made me really stand out from my peers and I suspect that it was related to my Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Basically I hated sport and wasn't competitive in any way. I've always been rubbish at anything physical (I know I go to the gym but any idiot can lift something up then put it back down again) or anything that requires co-ordination and teamwork. My non-competitive edge was, I think, partially my AS and partially my desire to avoid the embarrassment of failure.

Sport was mandatory at my school and the sport of choice that was forced on you was almost always football. When forced to play I would simply stand on the pitch making no attempt to go for the ball or even move. If the ball came anywhere close to me I'd still stand there and let it roll by. When they thought they'd be clever and put me in goal they'd soon change their mind when I'd just stand in goal also. If the ball was anywhere near me I'd actually get out of its way.

The school didn't seem to mind, but you can't really force someone to participate, and I think they also knew that my actual punishment would come not from them but from my peers. And of course they were right. Where I grew up football wasn't a matter of life and death…it was more important than that. Football was people's "way out". There was no real employment where I grew up and I went to a school in a disadvantaged area with people whose parents didn't work, were single parents and on benefits. Becoming a professional footballer was their way out of poverty. I always knew that university would be my way out, but by interfering with their precious game I was interfering with their future so it didn't do anything to improve my popularity.

The lack of competitive spirit is something that has stayed with me; however I have found that I can be quite competitive with myself. Getting back to the gym as an example, one thing that drives you on month after month is that you want to beat yourself. You want to lift more this week than you did last week, or lift it better, or lift it more times. It's a gradual process where week by week you improve in increments. When I use the bikes I am constantly trying to burn more calories than I did the week before, keep a higher average RPM, go further. I have all manner of statistics and figures going around in my head and I attempt to better them.

The only thing I've done that comes close to being competitive with others is racing my car. Not on track with other cars…I'm not made of money :) but special timed events where it is just one car on track at a time and your lap times are recorded. It's a good compromise as no-one really wants to race on-track with other cars in their daily driver, but trackdays don't offer any real comparison or competition as they are not timed and you don't "race". This way the only damage you'll do is if you fall off track, but you're still timed so can compare your results to others. Without wanting to blow my own trumpet I was pretty good, usually finishing at the top end of the table, however it was only myself I was really racing. Every lap I just wanted to go faster than my last one. I didn't want to beat others, I went out to beat myself. If I did well compared to others of course that's a good feeling but it's not what I did it for. Alas one of the reasons I stopped racing was the attitude of other drivers. I hated the competitive spirit of others and how it made them behave and act. I hate being around competitive people, I just wanted to get on and do my own thing but it just got harder and harder so ultimately I stopped.

If these things are AS related then if you have AS and want to try sport, or have children with AS and want them to try sport, maybe pick things where you are mainly competing against yourself. Things like golf or snooker come to mind. While they are still against a single opponent, they are mainly against yourself. You can practice both on your own and with golf you aim to get your handicap down and your course score down. With snooker you're trying to improve your break scores, your frame scores, your pots per visit etc. Compare those with something like boxing where it is only ever a competition between you and your opponent and everything is quite subjective.

Are you a terrorist?

2009-08-31T20:47:00.001+01:00

The company I have got a new job with sent me a raft of instructions, documents and forms to fill in and I have to admit I've been putting off dealing with it. Not only is my natural procrastination kicking in, but flicking through it there is so much information they want me to supply that I knew it wouldn't just be ticking some boxes and signing my name. It is things like this that cause my Asperger's Syndrome (AS) to really raise my anxiety levels.

First task was to see all the documents I had to send them as proof of my identity. Ideally they wanted a passport but mine has expired, but they would also accept a copy of my birth certificate plus a signed photo. I already had some spare passport photos from when I last needed them so that wasn't a problem. So on Saturday I took my birth certificate plus a bank statement plus my phone bill somewhere I could get them photocopied.

Second task was filling in all of the various forms which I did tonight. They wanted to know all of the address I had stayed at for the last five years and my dates of residence. Do people actually know this stuff? Is this something that normal people keep track of? I suddenly felt like a very incompetent librarian. To find my old address I enlisted the help of Amazon. I've been using it forever and it keeps its own address book of places you have had items dispatched to. So from that I could find out my old addresses. But the dates? I don't even know the date I moved into my current address…however again the internet came to my aid. Whenever I move into a new place I like to take pictures of anything that is damaged or worn so they can't claim I did it. I take these pictures digitally but have them printed off and sent to me on-line, so I logged in to the site I use (PhotoBox) and viewed by past transactions and from that found a rough date that I moved in. For the rest I just made up dates :)

They also wanted to know about my past employment and references for three years but luckily I have been at my current job for three years so that was easier than it might have been.

As the company does some work for the government I needed to complete a government security questionnaire which needed details of my parents. Details that any normal son really should know…but alas I had to phone my parents to find out information such as their middle names, towns of birth, dates of birth etc. Thankfully they were in so I could get this thing done and dusted, and thankfully it was my dad who answered. He is quite pragmatic about these things and understands the importance of measuring twice but cutting once. Had my mother answered she would just lecture me on the fact that I don't know her middle name or her birthday. She would then have given me the wrong birth date so she could continue the lie about her real age and knowing my luck her name and fake date of birth would correspond to Osama bin Laden's sister.

As well as those things there were the usual questions where they wanted explicit assurance that I had never tried to overthrow a government and did not associate with saboteurs. I also lied a few times too but when it comes to job forms people with AS always have a decision to make about how honest they should be. I know…in theory everyone should be 100% honest at all times, but I feel that as my AS doesn't too adversely affect me at work that it isn't too bad that I don't admit to having it. I say "don't admit to having it" but I really mean "lie about not having a disability".

Anyway, it's all done now so I'll get it sent off tomorrow and hopefully I haven't missed anything out or messed anything up. To give you an idea how inefficient these forms are here is a summary of the number of times I had to supply each piece of information;

Name x 7
Signature x 4
Date of Birth x 5
Place of birth x 3
Current Address x 4
Old Addresses x 2

Five, six, pick up chicks

2009-08-27T02:42:00.002+01:00

I've been watching a series on yoof television called "The Pickup Artist" which is a show where experts from the "seduction community" (can you believe they've actually given what they do a name?) tutor life's losers in the art of picking up women. Tools of their trade include a raft of TLAs, hyperbolic terminology, pseudo-philosophy and armchair psychology.

The gist is that you lie and pretend you're someone you're not in order to get girls interested in you. Now I'm not sure if the seduction community have gotten as far as solving the mysteries of what happens when she finds out you're just a lying user, but it's fascinating television nonetheless.

Fascinating as there are elements of truth in it. Truth in as much as some of it is common sense, and some does seem to work some of the time. But also some truths I've always wondered about myself. One element of how attracted a woman is to you, and receptive to being "picked up", is a concept they call your "social value". This is a term for your value to others as a social entity. For example if a certain quality of people are seen to be your friends, and you're seen to be at the centre of the group you obviously have a high social value, so if you are of value to others there is a chance you will also be of value to the girl. This perception of social value is something that assures a woman that you are worthy of her time and company, and that your social value may even rub off onto her.

Tricks used to give you a sense of social value were to make sure you were always with a group of male friends, preferably with a "wing man" whose job it is to make you look better and give the impression that you have an elevated position in the group. Other tricks were when approaching a group of girls you say something like "I can only stay for a few minutes as I have to get back to my friends." Again this demonstrates that you are a valuable member of your group so are desirable social companion. The concept of high social value also encompasses dressing well and being well groomed.

Reflecting on my own life where I never keep up with what is trendy and go everywhere and do everything alone my social value is probably transparent. Maybe this is a reason people with Asperger's can be in a room full of people yet feel like they just don't exist. A reason why my plate is empty.

The future's bright

2009-08-15T23:53:00.001+01:00

On the way to the pub I remembered that when I was young the streetlights were orange as it was better for cutting through the fog. This gave everything a surreal, monochrome look. The orange glow painted everything, coating all surfaces. Nowadays streetlights are a more natural white and the pub I was heading for is a long way and out of town, but it is by the coast and has a balcony that overlooks the beach. It is the only pub I know of where you can be surrounded by people, but stood on that balcony, looking out across the sea, it's like you're completely alone.

I get to the pub and ascend into the sea of people. Their combined heat making the room feel like a sauna, their lungs working together to rob it of oxygen. Grasping a beer I fight through the crowd like a diver fighting to surface…through the double doors I stand on the balcony and the cool air brushes my face, oxygen fills my lungs. Down on the beach some teenagers amass and play, the orange light from their mobile phones, a prerequisite to the flash, dances across the sand as I close my eyes and truly, truly, smile.

Moving down

2009-08-14T01:00:00.001+01:00

All routine has gone. Every day is now different in some way. Recently I've been really good and I've been using positivity to stitch my routine together. Monday to Friday is drink free and at the gym. A few drinks at the weekend and then my usual weekend routine. Sober on Sunday ready for Monday. Cleaning, tidying up, shopping, cooking…it all fell into place.

Now I've realised that I wasn't using positivity to stitch my routine together. The positivity came from my routine. My routine harboured and fostered it, teased it to grow and flourish. Now I don't know what the days will bring. Interrogation from co-workers? From my boss about why I'm leaving? Being asked to interview my replacements at the last second? That's for starters…imagine all the new thoughts going on in my head?

Nothing is the same now and I'm yearning to get back to stability but now that routine has rent my positivity asunder I have no motivation for work, I'm not going to the gym, I'm drinking all the time. I know this is just a temporary blip, but I still don't like it.

Anyway.

I successfully negotiated almost two weeks off at the end of my current job with my boss. Now that he has my replacement in the bag I think he's feeling more relaxed about me leaving. Again I'm planning on what to do with my time off, and again I really would like to spend some time touring the country. Maybe spending a few days making my way back to my town of birth. See my parents along the way. Maybe catch up with some other people along the way. Maybe catch up with my "fling" that e-mailed me recently ;) Maybe hook up with all sorts of people on some whirlwind "you can only realistically deal with me for a day anyway" tour.

Moving on

2009-08-06T22:04:00.001+01:00

I had my first job interview today, and got offered the job. The company was my second choice as my first one hadn't got back to me yet. Tonight I discovered that my first option had e-mailed me two days ago but it was in my spam folder. To be honest after speaking with the company that interviewed me today I was more interested in the job than I was before so I'm hoping that maybe God is trying to tell me something. At least I can always try the other firm if this one doesn't work out.

The interview itself was gruelling though, I felt like I'd done ten rounds with Mike Tyson by the time it was over. Before I even went for the interview I had to do an on-line test (I got in the 80th percentile). Before the interview started I had to do a written test. When the interviewers turned up I had even more questions to answer, code samples to diagnose and analyse and it was relentless. An hour and a half in total.

The people interviewing me were the lead developer and the HR manager. Now I'm not sure if this was part of the "test", but the HR manager (female) had quite a low-cut top so I had to be on my best behaviour with eyes at 12 O'Clock at all times. We were both sat at a massive desk with me at one side and her at the other. The jug of water was in the middle, some four feet from where either of us were sat. "Do you mind?" she said, gesturing toward the water. With that she leant right over toward me to reach for the jug of water while jugs of flesh fell and, for what seemed an eon, she poured a glass as I looked at the clock on the wall, the watch on my wrist, my shoes, the door, out of the window, at the pen on the desk…all the time screaming in my head "DON'T LOOK AT HER BREASTS!!!".

I think I got away with it.

It's at times like this people with Asperger's can feel their loneliest. I'm about to embark on a daunting new chapter in my life…but who do I tell? Who is there to congratulate me? To have a drink with me? No-one. I had a quiet drink by myself in my local while drunken old men played pool. Then I had another pint in another pub while pretty young things chatted around me. Then I got some takeaway food. Then I came home.

Go me.